2008 U.S. presidential election

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=== Dennis Kucinich ===
 
=== Dennis Kucinich ===
Has a really cute wife.  Also, he is actually a "liberal", so he has been marginalized. (Well, that and he was staunchly pro-life until a week before announcing his 2004 candidacy.) Breaking news: His liberal bona fides may be in question, as he has announced that he would ask [[Ron Paul]], the rather staunch [[paleocon]] to be his running mate.<ref>[http://www.cleveland.com/news/plaindealer/index.ssf?/base/news/119606963456620.xml&coll=2]</ref>
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Has a really cute wife.  Also, he is actually a "liberal", so he has been marginalized. (Well, that and he was staunchly pro-life until a week before announcing his 2004 candidacy.) Breaking news: His liberal bona fides may be in question, as he has announced that he would ask [[Ron Paul]], the rather staunch [[paleocon]] to be his running mate.<ref>[http://www.cleveland.com/news/plaindealer/index.ssf?/base/news/119606963456620.xml&coll=2|Kucinich suggests a Republican running mate]</ref>
  
 
=== [[Barack Obama|Barack H. Obama]] ===
 
=== [[Barack Obama|Barack H. Obama]] ===

Revision as of 05:27, 29 November 2007

The 2008 U.S. Presidential Election will take place on 4 November 2008. It will be the first election since 1952 in which neither a sitting president nor sitting vice-president will be errrr... standing.

Contents

The candidates.

As America has two right wing parties, any white[1], Christian male[2] millionaire associated with the Democratic or Republican party has a chance of winning. The candidate for whom most people vote sometimes wins the election and sometimes not. You need to have been born in the USA to understand why this is democratic.

Main Democratic Candidates

Joseph R. "Joe" Biden, Jr.

After plagiarism charges knocked him out of the 1988 (?) campaign, he claimed in his book that it was a decision to concentrate on blocking the nomination of Robert Bork to the Supreme Court.

Hillary R. Clinton

Critical of Bush tax cuts, supports Kyoto ratification, opposes arctic drilling, somewhat protectionist, wants to improve health care, supporter of Israel, supports increased border control, leaves all options open on Iran, voted for war in Iraq which she does not regret, tightened gun control, personally opposed to abortion but would not make it illegal. Regarded as the Antichrist by Conservatives, whose media machines have been villifying her nonstop since 1991.

Christopher J. "Chris" Dodd

Long time Senator, graduated from the University of Louisville in Kentucky, despite being from Connecticut. Serious policy wonk, but with little star power. He is also staunchly pro-habeus corpus. That such a stance bears mentioning is a sad testament to the current state of the USA.

John R. "Breck Girl" Edwards

Former unsuccessful candidate for vice president in 2004. Had an expensive haircut once, which apparently, renders him unfit for the Presidency in the eyes of some Conservatives.

Maurice "Mike" Gravel

Pronounced "Gra-vell", not "Grav-l".

Dennis Kucinich

Has a really cute wife. Also, he is actually a "liberal", so he has been marginalized. (Well, that and he was staunchly pro-life until a week before announcing his 2004 candidacy.) Breaking news: His liberal bona fides may be in question, as he has announced that he would ask Ron Paul, the rather staunch paleocon to be his running mate.[3]

Barack H. Obama

John F. Kennedy reincarnated, according to some. Of the three front-runners (see Clinton, H.R., and Edwards, Breck), he's the only one that did not start with national name recognition.

William B. "Bill" Richardson

Governor of New Mexico, former Secretary of Energy, former ambassador to the UN, has really bad case of foot in mouth syndrome.

Main Republican Candidates

Rudolph W. "Rudy" Giuliani, "The Red-nosed candidate."

Pro-choice crossdressing multiple divorcee. But 9/11 changed everything!

Mike Huckabee

Profile: A former Baptist minister, firmly anti-abortion, regards the Bible as literal truth and does not believe in evolution.[4]

Duncan Hunter

Profile: A Republican Representative from California since 1980, Hunter has the following views: anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, anti-federalism (since he wants to amend the Constitution to outlaw both, no matter what an individual state might want to do), pro-gun, anti-tax, anti-First Amendment, pro-Israel, anti-globalization, anti-"sui solis", and anti-China. [5]

Alan Keyes

Seriously.

John S. McCain, III

Profile: Former Viet Nam POW. Has been a Senator since God was a teenager. Would be older than Ronald Reagan was upon inauguration, if elected. Gives good guest on the Daily Show.

Ronald E. "Ron" Paul

Profile: Against abortion, abolish the IRS and the income tax, reintroduce prayer in schools, slash most federal spending, reintroduce the gold standard, keep the gays from marrying, and abolish the Federal Reserve. End the War on Drugs and get the U.S. out of the Iraq.

Possible Dominionist.

Mitt "Mitt" Romney

Profile: Now firmly pro-life. Pro death penalty. Mormon. Pro abstinence education. Anti same sex marriage. Ran for governor of Massachusetts by, um, "hiding" most of these positions. Saved the Salt Lake City Olympics. Became a multi-millionaire running Bain Capital.


Tom Tancredo

Hates all Mexicans, and will do anything to keep them out. Also, hates China vehemently, as they are godless Communists.

Fred "Law & Order" Thompson

Known to all Americans as the gruff but fair district attorney Arthur Branch. Yes, we're seriously considering ANOTHER actor president. Because the last one did SUCH a bang up job!

"Third" party candidates

Libertarian Party

Green Party?

Constitution Party? (See this fellow)

American Communist Party?

See also

References

  1. Though this streak may finally be broken
  2. Also a chance for this one to be broken
  3. suggests a Republican running mate
  4. Guardian on Huckabee
  5. This is a short condensation of his platform, from his website www.gohunter08.com
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