Bronze-level articleAlcohol

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(Misconceptions: Mes apologies for ridiculousness. And no, do not pardon my french.)
(Misconceptions)
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Alcohol does ''not'' warm the body up; the old image of St. Bernard rescue dogs with brandy barrels around their necks is a myth as strong alcohol is the last thing you'd want to consume if stranded in the snow. When cold, the body closes off numerous arteriole sphincters that shut off blood supply from the extremities; fingers, arms legs and so on, conserving body heat to the head and torso where it's needed. While this generates the feeling of being cold, it is actually saving your life. Alcohol prevents this mechanism from working, opening up the arteriole sphincters and allowing blood to flow to all parts of the body. This may generate a ''feeling'' of being warm, but is actually indicative of losing substantial amounts of body heat. Thus the "beer jacket" is actually quite a bad thing.
 
Alcohol does ''not'' warm the body up; the old image of St. Bernard rescue dogs with brandy barrels around their necks is a myth as strong alcohol is the last thing you'd want to consume if stranded in the snow. When cold, the body closes off numerous arteriole sphincters that shut off blood supply from the extremities; fingers, arms legs and so on, conserving body heat to the head and torso where it's needed. While this generates the feeling of being cold, it is actually saving your life. Alcohol prevents this mechanism from working, opening up the arteriole sphincters and allowing blood to flow to all parts of the body. This may generate a ''feeling'' of being warm, but is actually indicative of losing substantial amounts of body heat. Thus the "beer jacket" is actually quite a bad thing.
  
Sexual performance is another thing associated with alcohol consumption but it is a complete myth that it improves performance. While alcohol loosens inhibitions dramatically it's effect on all measures of sexual performance is ''anything but'' positive, in fact it only creates an ''illusion'' of better performance. So while you may be thinking you were totally awesome, your more sober partner would likely disagree--unless, of course, you're so blitzed that "more sober" is not a particularly relevant term. In which case, kudos--not on your sexual prowess, mind you, but rather your tolerance. You still suck in bed while drunk (not that way).
+
Sexual performance is another thing associated with alcohol consumption but it is a complete myth that it improves performance. While alcohol loosens inhibitions dramatically it's effect on all measures of sexual performance is ''anything but'' positive, in fact it only creates an ''illusion'' of better performance. So while you may be thinking you were totally awesome, your more sober partner would likely disagree--unless, of course, you're so blitzed that "more sober" is not a particularly relevant term. In which case, kudos--not on your sexual prowess, mind you, but rather your tolerance. You still suck in bed while drunk, and not in the good way.
  
 
==Prohibition==
 
==Prohibition==

Revision as of 06:48, 27 June 2012

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Alcohol[1] is a substance found in many of the drinks that many editors of RationalWiki imbibe in order to stimulate their creativity. It must, however, be used with care as overindulgence may well result in overstimulation. Such intemperance may also create unpleasant consequences.

Contents

Chemistry

An ethanol molecule

"Alcohol" is just a generic term for any organic compound featuring the functional group -OH. Specifically, only ethanol (CH3CH2OH) is drunk by (sane) people. Methanol (also known as wood alcohol)(CH3OH) can cause death in small-ish quantities[2] but will make you blind first and can be found in cheap, and very, very illegal booze.[3] Unlike ethanol, methanol can be absorbed through the skin and is just plain dangerous. Other alcohols can create the effects of drunkenness, often even more so than ethanol: ingesting propanol, isopropanol (rubbing alcohol) and butanol will intoxicate someone very readily. These compounds, however, are several times more lethal, so they are not recommended as intoxicants.[4] A related compound, ethan-diol ((HO-CH2CH2-OH) is found in antifreeze, and is also delightfully poisonous. Ethanol is relatively safe, and is only dangerous in very large amounts (see below).

Ethanol is made either by the hydrolysis of ethane in large chemical plants, slowly fermented by adding yeast (this is the stuff you drink), other biomass processes (fuel ethanol is produced from corn, for example), or it can be homologated from methanol in an interesting reaction that means you can produce it entirely from syngas (carbon monoxide and hydrogen).[5]

EtOHrotate.gif
Fruit flavorings are mostly made of compounds called esters, which form alcohols (sometimes ethanol) when broken down by acids. Therefore it is possible (just) to fail a breathalyzer test by eating too many pear drops. Although no, it doesn't work as an excuse for proper DUI, it has be used successfully to overturn some false positive breathalyzer readings.[6]

Ethanol goes by several other names, including "ethyl alcohol", "drinking alcohol", "grain alcohol", or simply "alcohol".

Ethanol can be used as an alternative or supplement to gasoline as a fuel in vehicles. In these cases, it is typically made in the same way alcoholic beverages are made: fermentation. Small amounts of wood alcohol or gasoline are then added to make it toxic to escape liquor laws (if they didn't put it in, it would be the same thing as 200 proof). There is some controversy surrounding ethanol as fuel as it would mean land and crops would have to be used to make fuel when they could be used to grow food. However, technologies are being researched which would allow for ethanol to be made from indigestible cellulose and other organic waste.

Inside the body, ethanol is oxidized and decays into ethanal (also known as acetaldehyde to reduce confusion), which causes a hangover, and eventually to acetic acid, which is found in vinegar (and is why old wine tastes like vinegar).

Because the chemistry of ethanol is probably boring to most people, the rest of this article will concentrate on the stuff you drink.

Types of drinking alcohol

Alcohol in a delightful solution.

There are three major methods of producing alcoholic beverages: straight fermentation, brewing, and distillation. Fermented beverages tend to be made from fruit juices or things with high sugar contents, and are typically known as wines. Brewed beverages are also fermented, but because they are typically derived from grains, the starches need to be broken down into simpler sugars to allow the yeast a chance to go to work. These beverages are typically called beers. Finally, there is distillation, which can be any number of processes that remove alcohol from stuff that is mainly water. This is based on the principle that alcohol and water have different boiling (and for some processes freezing) points. It should be noted that distilled beverages intended for human consumption have enough water in them to make them safe. Of the above, fermentation and brewing are legal to perform at home (in the US at least). Distillation requires that you pay special taxes or the revenuers will come and take your stills. Distillation is the reason NASCAR exists.

Beer

See main article: beer, or the funspace article on beer.
Trappístes Rochefort 8, the best beer in the world.

There is naturally some debate about where the best beer in the world comes from.

A British perspective: Unsurprisingly, and like their claims about forms of government, legal systems, welfare systems, health systems, weapons, armies, accents, footballers (not), cars (not), motorbikes (not), the British claim their beer is the best in the world.[7][8] British drinkers would maintain that the only true beer is made in the United Kingdom where it is known as real ale. It has both body and flavour and it is not necessary to kill the flavour by excessive chilling.

Velkopopovický Kozel, the second best beer in the world. Fun fact: Kozel means goat!

In the rest of Europe and the US a chemical substitute for beer called Lager is often drunk. (Like some of the people.) This chemical substitute is so lacking in flavour (or has such a bad flavor) that the only way to make it drinkable is to supercharge it with carbon dioxide and then chill it in order to kill whatever taste it has - it being utterly undrinkable at room temperature.Spit.gif--Which of course explains why American Budweiser is one of the top beers imported into England.

An Irish perspective The Irish, of course, do not appreciate the typical arrogance of the British about their beer and calmly reiterate that Guinness is best. Sadly for them, as it has caused nothing but trouble, the Irish are unfortunately correct, as Guinness is incontrovertibly the greatest beer the world has ever seen drunk. Rich, dark, mysterious, intelligent, poetic, brooding, inestimable, indefatigable, in my belly, hallowed, spiritual, mighty, creamy, brilliant, feck, arse and bollocks are all words used in the eulogy of Guinness.

A Continental perspective: Others would claim that the best beer in the world is brewed in Belgium,[9] which is famous for its long tradition and immense diversity, with more than 1000 different brands. Many Belgian beers are designated "real ale" by CAMRA, being brewed from natural ingredients and served from the vessel in which they are conditioned. A number of "Trappist" beers are brewed in Belgium by, or under the supervision, of Trappist monks. These monks dedicate their lives to the service of the Lord and the brewing of beer, which is near enough the same thing (though it's worth noting that the existence of beer is very seldom called into question).

Czech beer comes in at a very close second.

Meanwhile, most continentals find the British practice of serving their beer at room temperature positively barbaric, and point out that good beer has always required chilling, with some breweries in pre-electricity times going so far as to store ice year-round for the purpose.

Another clear point of demerit for British beer is its general lack of carbon dioxide. "Why the British choose not to carbonize their beer" is a mystery to most Continentals. It is likely to remain a mystery until they realise that British beer is carbonated as much any fizzy lager. Carbonation is a natural effect of the conditioning (secondary fermentation) process. The lack of resemblance to fizzy soft drinks is not due to a refusal to put carbon dioxide in but the cellarman's skill and dedication in removing it before sale. Why they would go to such trouble only to practically ruin perfectly good beer is unfathomable... as is the case with so many other things the British do.

A Canadian perspective: Beer from pretty much anywhere but the US is a good bet, although La Fin Du Monde from Quebec is probably the best high-alcohol beer out there, bordering on barley wine. In recent years, smaller breweries and microbrews have become very popular in smaller cities and the home craft brewing industry has done very well.

An American perspective: As long as you avoid the big companies, American beer is JUST FINE, THANK YOU. Yes, we mass produce swill, but with the exorbitant taxes on all forms of alcohol, most of our people have to make do with what they can. The rest of us can then drink either one of our (multitudinous!) microbrews or one of your fancy (admittedly, AMAZING) Euro/Canadian beers. But of course the final verdict comes from the ultimate authority on almost everything: American beer is like making love in a canoe - fucking close to water.

A Russian perspective: What is beer doing on this page? Beer doesn't have any alcohol in it.

A Chinese perspective: Chinese beers are fairly light, but cheap tasty!

An Australian perspective: In Australia beer is called XXXX because it's easier to spell, and Fosters is a creature of legend passed down from parent to child to keep them in line.

An Egyptian perspective: We invented the stuff, sure it had a very low alcohol content, but that wasn't the point. Those slaves needed carbs to build our pyramids - and to be kept be drunk enough not to rebel.

A Mexican Perspective: Contrary to popular belief among Americans and Canadians, we don’t think Corona is the best beer in Mexico. Most of us actually hate it. Like our Mojado brothers who reside north of our border, we prefer Bud Light, not because of its generic, bitter taste, but because it’s just more popular and easier to get. Pass me a Bud Light, ese!

A German Perspective

Bier is a German word. Enough said.

Wine

Not just for sophisticated people. Wine is great to get you properly trolleyed

Wine is drunk by effete southern Europeans. It comes in various varieties (white, red, rose, sparkling, etc.) and is frequently served in a glass appropriate to the wine.

The antioxidants in red wine are claimed to do a body good. This, however, is mostly conjecture and utter bollocks which is rehashed by the media whenever it suits them, as Ben Goldacre likes to bring up whenever you're in the pub with him and order red wine "because it's good for you".

Spirits

"Mother's milk"

(Not the spooky kind, the libatable kind!)

There are many kinds of spirits, such as whisky, whiskey, gin, rum, baijiu, vodka, tequila, et cetera. Overconsumption is dangerous, and can cause RationalWiki editors to produce mildly abbreviated posts like the one below:..

Gloag's gin.

Nuff said!

Take a bottle of dry London Gin & a bowl of blackthorn berries (sloes); add the former to the latter and stir; pour into two bottles & cap; leave for two to four weeks; filter and decant liquor; (make trifle with berry mush?) drink liquor; sleep.
—Susan Garlick

Overindulgence followed by editing binges can also result in the necessity of profuse apologies to other editors, whether one likes them or not, for the swill left on their talk pages and pet articles.

  • Ardbeg Ten (Islay) single malt whisky is announced World Whisky of the Year on October 30 2007.[10]

Mead

See main article: mead.

Mead is made from honey or, if you're lucky you can get it from the goat Heidrun. Alternatively you can make your own following RationalWiki's instructions.

Cider

See main article: Cider.

Cider is made from apples and is popular with teenagers. In pre-prohibition United States, cider was the most popular beverage. Once alcoholic beverages were banned, the term cider was re-purposed to refer to certain types of non-alcoholic apple juice. In order to convert modern American "cider" into what the rest of the world calls "cyder", you need to follow these instructions.

Scrumpy is a stronger, rougher variant of cider.

Despite what advertising companies would have you believe, there is no such thing as "Pear Cider". Fermented pear juice is called Perry[11].

Alcohol and health

A couple of units of beer a day is good enough for you that it could medically be considered a vitamin. A doctor said this, so it's true. We were down the pub and several drinks down by this time, but that hardly refutes unimpeachable medical science.

The view of alcohol being particularly good for you is based on cohort studies of drinkers and non-drinkers and found that drinkers were, on average, in healthier condition. This has been attributed to things like red wine containing anti-oxidants, but that is mostly bullshit. Science writer and columnist Ben Goldacre argues that such studies between non-drinkers and drinkers don't constitute a properly controlled test as he describes teetotalers as, frankly, abnormal. People who avoid drinking entirely are non-normative, and usually do so for particular reasons, particularly medical reasons, or by virtue of being recovering alcoholics. As a result, those in the cohort inclined to not drink tend to be plagued by underlying medical conditions - such as obesity due to years of alcoholism - and this would skew the results in favor of making it appear that drinking makes you healthier.

Drinking too much can be bad for your driving and for your health in general. It can also make you act like a real dickhead.

Misconceptions

There are a few misconceptions regarding alcohol consumption and how it affects people. One of the major ones is that mixing types of drinks - or even just the type of drink - changes how drunk someone becomes. This applies to both mixing over time and mixing in cocktails, indeed this is often referred to as the "cocktail effect". However, none of this is true; with all other factors being equal (body mass, tolerance, food consumption) the only factor in drunkeness is the amount of alcohol consumed. Also of particular importance is the rate that it is consumed - as the body can only oxidise and break it down at a set rate. In addition to the obvious placebo effect of adding a sparkler or mini-umbrella to a glass, "mixing" drinks often means mixing shorter spirits with longer drunks like beer. Obviously short shots are consumed rapidly and often in addition to an otherwise steady stream of beer. In this case, it is not the mixing that has done anything, but the fact that the amount of alcohol in a particular time has increased dramatically. People will often underestimate their consumption when mixing like this, seeing the small quantity of a shot glass as unequal to their much larger pint glasses.

It's also not true that alcohol dehydrates the body. While alcohol is a diuretic, the additional water lost through the effect is compensated for by the water in the drink - in all but the strongest of spirits, at least. The same is true of caffeine containing drinks such as coffee and tea. There are other mechanisms of water loss; vomiting, sweating while dancing and so on, and these often contribute greatly to the dehydration effect, so consuming water in between drinks is still advisable. However, the only sure-fire way of becoming dangerously dehydrated is by drinking salt water.

Alcohol does not warm the body up; the old image of St. Bernard rescue dogs with brandy barrels around their necks is a myth as strong alcohol is the last thing you'd want to consume if stranded in the snow. When cold, the body closes off numerous arteriole sphincters that shut off blood supply from the extremities; fingers, arms legs and so on, conserving body heat to the head and torso where it's needed. While this generates the feeling of being cold, it is actually saving your life. Alcohol prevents this mechanism from working, opening up the arteriole sphincters and allowing blood to flow to all parts of the body. This may generate a feeling of being warm, but is actually indicative of losing substantial amounts of body heat. Thus the "beer jacket" is actually quite a bad thing.

Sexual performance is another thing associated with alcohol consumption but it is a complete myth that it improves performance. While alcohol loosens inhibitions dramatically it's effect on all measures of sexual performance is anything but positive, in fact it only creates an illusion of better performance. So while you may be thinking you were totally awesome, your more sober partner would likely disagree--unless, of course, you're so blitzed that "more sober" is not a particularly relevant term. In which case, kudos--not on your sexual prowess, mind you, but rather your tolerance. You still suck in bed while drunk, and not in the good way.

Prohibition

The alleged evils of alcohol led to its being prohibited in the United States from 1920 to 1933. This authoritarian law resulted in a substantial increase in crime and led to the creation of criminal gangs which may still be in existence today. Interestingly there are other drugs no more or less damaging which you go to jail for owning - but life's like that.

The substance remains prohibited in a number of authoritarian Islamic states for religious reasons. Contrary to popular belief, however, most Muslim countries do not place an outright ban on alcohol, and even in those that do, the stuff is rather like marijuana in the West: despite being illegal, somebody always seems to have some (to paraphrase Earth: The Book).

Quotes

Alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
—Homer Simpson
Alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of drunkenness
—Oscar Wilde [12]
I'm not as think as you drunk I am
—a random drunk
One evening in October, when I was one-third sober,

An' taking home a ‘load' with manly pride;
My poor feet began to stutter, so I lay down in the gutter,
And a pig came up an' lay down by my side;
Then we sang ‘It's all fair weather when good fellows get together,'
Till a lady passing by was heard to say:
‘You can tell a man who "boozes" by the company he chooses'

And the pig got up and slowly walked away.
—"The Pig Got Up and Slowly Walked Away", 1933 song by Benjamin Hapgood Burt
You can't seriously want to ban alcohol, it tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually impervious to criticism.
—Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby.
Trillian did a little research in the ship's copy of THHGTTG. It had some advice to offer on drunkenness. "Go to it," it said, "and good luck."
—Douglas Adams
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy.
—Tom Waits

See also

Footnotes

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