Australia

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[[File:Dameandyeverage.jpg|thumb|right|150px|One of Australia's <s>most</s> least popular exports.]]
 
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Revision as of 19:08, 27 April 2009

Australia is a strange nation located in the Indian and Pacific Oceans. To this day, mapmakers can't decide whether the land mass is the world's smallest continent or if it's the world's biggest island. The nation is sometimes grouped together in the "continent" Oceania with East Timor, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Vanuatu, New Caledonia, Fiji, parts of Indonesia, and New Zealand. Whichever anybody decides, it's still there.

Contents

History

Originally populated by various indigenous tribes, most notably the Aborigines, Australia was "discovered" by the British and was incorporated into its grand empire. However, nobody could really decide what to do with it, as they couldn't find a use for it within the Empire (due to the lack of usable materials and the harsh terrain for agriculture) until someone had the bright idea of turning it into a penal colony for all of the Empire's convicts. They dumped them there and, after they served their sentence, they were left to their own devices. The favourite hobby of ex-cons included terrorising the natives (also known as genocide).

After gold was discovered there in the 1850s, people finally had a legitimate reason to live in Australia. The freed convicts were joined by the fresh settlers drawn to the gold rush. Until World War I, nothing of interest, note, or fascination occurred. Not even the Cabal took any interest in Australia. World War I saw Australian troops join the battle lines of the war, an action that was repeated during the second World War. Sydney Harbour was the site of a minor naval engagement (not a marriage, a battle!) which was won in part due to a rapid response by the Yankees. Australia became an independent nation in 1986, when it cut ties to rule by the UK and became its own country. They neglected to tell Elizabeth the Second, however, who remains Queen of Australia (seriously).

Politics

The man who rules Australia

Australia has been a good friend to the United States of America since World War II, when they made them an ally and protector, They were somewhat concerned with the growing military power of Asia, hence their reason for getting on the U.S.'s good books. That, and the fact that not many people in Australia speak Chinese, Japanese, Korean, or Vietnamese. Since then the two nations have been quite cozy -- for instance, when Australia refused to sign the Kyoto Protocol and became heavily involved in the invasion of Iraq.

Australian politics is dominated by two parties, the centre-right Australian Labor Party (who can't spell) and the centre-right Liberal Party of Australia (who can spell but don't own a dictionary). As a result of having two such closely aligned parties Australian elections are decided by a game of two-up. There are some minor parties who fare well, compared to US minor parties, but not as well as those in Europe.

Australian minor parties can end up holding the "balance of power" in the Senate-where a party wanting to pass a bill must negotiate with minor parties in order for the bill to pass. This can give minor parties a large amount of power - compared to the number of votes they won. When the new Senate came in July 2008 Nick Xenophon essentially become the balance of power in the Senate, as he is the only non-aligned senator. Whilst the Prime Minister holds the executive power, no legislation can pass without either the opposition, or failing that, Senator Xenophon's vote, thereby making him the de facto most powerful man in Australian politics.

Geography

Australia is hot, red, and dry. In fact, the only way an Australian can tell if they've died and gone to hell is that the beer is colder.

Wildlife

Australia is a land full of unique, venomous and otherwise deadly animals with big, sharp, pointy teeth. There are however not many venomous snakes; they were all killed by the spiders. Some of the sheep are harmless. Examples of Australian wildlife include:

  • Kangaroo, a single pair of which walked hopped all the way from Noah's Ark and spread across Australia.
  • Platypus (plural: Platyπ), mammals which lay eggs, are venomous and have a bill like a duck. Rejected by the Intelligent Design QA Committee.
  • Tasmanian Devil, often seen whirring about in a whirlwind of dust while growling viciously.
  • Redback Spider, often found on toilet seats, waiting for fresh victims to bite.
  • Dingo, rabid dog who steals babies.
  • Koala, small grey and white tree-dwelling creature that spends 23 hours a day sleeping; it spends the remaining hour of the day - usually around 2 in the morning - sitting in trees outside people's windows making a noise similar to a motorbike starting up but louder. It is illegal to throw things at them.
  • Drop bear, closet relative to the koala. It is carnivorous; kills its prey by jumping out of trees onto smaller creatures.
  • Hoop snake, a venomous snake that has the unique form of movement; it places the end of its tail in its mouth and rolls itself down hills like a wheel. They have been know to reach speeds of over 60 km/h.

Entertainment

In the cities, many more civilized pursuits such as opera, sporting contests, theatre, and gay Mardi Gras may be found to keep the populace occupied. In the rural areas, the inhabitants must make their own fun in a manner slyly alluded to by the famous Australian song Tie me kangaroo down, sport.

As showcased by popular Australian exports such as Priscilla and Dame Edna Everage, some Australian men are known to entertain themselves by dressing in women's clothing. Many of the men who enjoy this activity gather annually in Sydney for the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, the largest LGBT pride festival in the world.

Boat racing is also popular and the Henley-on-Todd Regatta is considered Australia's premier river race event.

Exports

One of Australia's most least popular exports.
  • Lager
  • Mel Gibson, Rolf Harris
  • Lager
  • Kylie
  • Lager
  • INXS, Midnight Oil, Men at Work
  • Lager
  • Dame Edna
  • Lager

Imports

  • Huge floating rafts of vegetation
  • Wikileaks
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