Chuck Norris is a washed-up "actor", infomercial star, an unpopular pretend Texas Ranger, mediocre martial artist, and a pro-deficit contributor at WorldNetDaily.
Stop the presses! Chuck Norris is running for President...of Texas.
Chuck Norris is a creationist! Stop saying nice things about him!
Through his columns, Norris has been an outspoken critic of the theory of evolution, the teaching of which he holds makes him act like a monkey (this in spite of the fact that he has access to mirrors). He has also worked to uncover a vast atheist conspiracy to outlaw Christianity in the United States, the first step of which is the acceptance of atheists in our government:
- "Though the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered 45 percent of us would support an atheist for president. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of society is alive and well."
To thwart this menace of secularization, Norris has menacingly promised that if elected President (as if) he would "tattoo an American flag on the forehead of every atheist", an obvious form of flag desecration (see photo).
Norris is active in many Christian causes, including the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. He and his wife are the spokespersons for the National Council on Bible Curriculum, which seeks to bring state certified Bible courses to public high schools nationwide. Godspeed!
Obligatory flogging of a dead meme
- Contrary to the mandates of liberal science, Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice. Just because.
- God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
- There is no theory of evolution. Only animals that Chuck Norris chose not to kill.
- A little-known fact is that Chuck Norris is Jesus' father.
- Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. And block the punch.
- Chuck Norris is the only known substance that can move at Awesomesonic speeds.
- Octopuses are not a species, but rather, the limbs and heads of people who have met Chuck Norris in a dark alley.
- When Chuck Norris wants butter, he roundhouse kicks the cow and butter comes straight out.
- When Chuck does push-ups, he isn't pushing himself up like a mere mortal human, he is actually pushing the earth down.
- Chuck Norris can eat a Rubik's Cube scrambled and shit it out solved.
- Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
- The eternal conundrum of what would happen when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object was solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face. The result was a strange quantum superposition in which Norris was simultaneously alive and dead.
- Mr. T once punched Chuck Norris in the face at the exact same time that Norris roundhouse kicked Mr. T in the chest. The resulting explosion was so great that it caused a rift in the fabric of space-time. This event was later known as the 1980s.
- Chuck Norris' tears have been known to cure cancer. Too bad he doesn't cry, ever.
- Chuck Norris can read Lady Gaga's poker face.
- Every night before he goes to sleep, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
- Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Obligatory evolution of a dead meme
- Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked gay marriage, and fell flat on his ass.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He's worrying about gay marriage.
- Chuck Norris’ tears cure gay marriage. Too bad for him he never cries.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only the quivering fear of gay marriage.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t do pushups — he might accidentally get gay-married.
- When Chuck Norris goes to sleep every night, he would check his closet for gay marriage, if he had a closet.
- Chuck Norris does not go opposing gay marriage, because the word “opposing” implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris already failed to stop gay marriage.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil to stop gay marriage. When the deal had been done, the devil gay-married him.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. Tell him how fabulous gay marriage is.