Divine retribution

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Revision as of 19:27, 2 October 2008

Divine retribution is God's love punishment for wickedness, usually, but not exclusively, gayness.

Contents

Targets of Divine retribution

Divine retribution generally strikes something or somebody linked in some way to the perpetrator of the abomination that made God angry, though rarely the actual perpetrator. Examples are:

  • In 1984, God, furious with the blasphemous pronouncements of the Bishop of Durham, sent down a thunderbolt upon York Minster in York, which is a city that looks a bit like Durham.[1]
  • Also in the 1980s, God, furious at all the gayness going on since the 60s, created a disease that claimed gay men and many recipients of blood transfusions, but more or less ignored lesbians.
  • In 2001, God exacted vengeance upon a building full of people from all over the world to punish America for allowing itself to become secular and gay. [2]
  • In 2005, furious that his unequivocal message had not been heeded, God flooded the whole of New Orleans apart from the decadent bit.[3]
  • In 2007, God, furious at all the gay weddings that were suddenly going on in Britain, submerged the not particularly gay city of Sheffield.[4]
  • In 2008, God, who really likes hurricanes and windiness in general, sent Hurricane Ike to punish the Internet Tubes for the establishment of Conservapedia.

Things that are not targets of Divine retribution

  • Despite the fact that Christ forbade the accumulation of wealth more often and more unambiguously than he forbade anything else, he clearly wasn't that serious about it, since America is rarely bothered by God for making too much money. (However, note that England, having a much more liberal clergy, is punished by God for this, up to and including random members of the public drowning when their feet get stuck in drains, as atonement for the sins of the World Bank[5][6]).
  • The Anglo-Saxon nations grew rich in the early nineteenth century through child labour and slavery - since neither is as bad as gayness, and this was an otherwise pious and churchgoing age, they were relatively untroubled by Divine Retribution, to the extent that anyone remembers.
  • The European heatwave of 2003, although killing tens of thousands, was not Divine Retribution, since it took all summer and God usually does a better job of hitting the headlines.

How to invoke Divine retribution

This leaves the question - if I want God to lay waste to some particularly irksome locality, what should I do?

The first thing to bear in mind is that Divine retribution is generally on a per-country basis, and only occasionally more specific than that.

The second thing to remember is that God is perfectly in tune with his creation - he will not destroy through natural disaster anything that wasn't likely to cop it sooner or later anyway. For example, cities with decaying flood defenses will get flooded, and federal agencies headed by inexperienced buffoons will screw up the response - Praise Be that God works so in harmony with his creation!

(Bear in mind that especially wicked nations such as The Netherlands have not been spared simply because they have well-organised government and technologically advanced solutions to flood defence - no, places like this are so gay and liberal that their punishment is too awful for this life and will have to wait for the next.)

And, most importantly, only sexual transgressions are bad.

So, if you wish God to destroy Raleigh, NC, for example, your best bet is to be very, very gay somewhere in Florida. If you miss at first, adjust the location of your gayness until God hits the target.

See also

Footnotes

  1. [1]
  2. [2]
  3. [3]
  4. [4]
  5. [5]
  6. [6]
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