Divine retribution

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'''Divine retribution''' is [[God]]'s <s>hate</s> <s>love</s> [[punishment]] for wickedness, frequently, but not exclusively, [[Gay Rights|gayness]].
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== Targets of Divine retribution ==
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Historically God's wrath was pretty specifically targeted at individuals who irritated Him in some way, as can be seen from the many biblical [[examples of God personally killing people]]. In modern times however, divine retribution generally strikes something or somebody linked in some way to the perpetrator of the [[abomination]] that made God angry, though rarely the actual perpetrator. Examples are:
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*In 1984, God, furious with the blasphemous pronouncements of the Bishop of Durham, sent down a thunderbolt upon York Minster in York, which is a city that looks a bit like Durham.<ref>[http://tinyurl.com/22gknb York Press - Bolt from the blackness]</ref>
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* Also in the 1980s, God, furious at all the gayness going on since the 60s, created a [[AIDS|disease]] that claimed [[gay]] men, heterosexuals of both sexes, the wives of cheating husbands, and many recipients of blood transfusions. AIDS more or less ignored [[lesbian]]s, who had received favor in His sight for being "Just so frickin' hot, [[King James Only|thou knowest]]?".
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*In 2000 [[Pat Robertson]], prophesied that Orlando, ''[[Florida]]'' would be destroyed by the wrath of God as retribution for Disney World allowing homosexuals to attend on "Gay Day". Later that year, numerous wildfires broke out in a ring completely (and pointedly) ''around'' Orange County, ''[[California]]'' where Orlando lies.
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**Not only that, but the first hurricane of the 1998 Atlantic hurricane season, Hurricane Bonnie, ''actually turned away from Florida '''and hit the area where Robertson's television show is broadcast'''.'' Everyone agrees this was a hilarious "Fuck you" from God to Pat Robertson.
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*In 2001, God [[9/11|exacted vengeance upon a building full of people from all over the world]] to punish [[America]] for allowing itself to become [[secular]] and gay.<ref>[http://www.actupny.org/YELL/falwell.html Jerry Falwell and Pat Robinson blame the ACLU apparently]</ref>
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*In 2005, furious that his unequivocal message had not been heeded, God sent [[Hurricane Katrina]] to flood the whole of New Orleans apart from the decadent bit.<ref>[http://www.beliefnet.com/story/174/story_17439_1.html Belief Net - Katrina: God's Judgment on America]</ref>
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*In 2007, God, furious at all the gay weddings that were suddenly going on in Britain, submerged the not particularly gay city of Sheffield.<ref>[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/07/01/nflood201.xml The Telegraph - Floods are judgment on society]</ref>
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*In 2008, God, who really likes hurricanes and windiness in general, sent Hurricane Ike to punish the Internet Tubes for the establishment of [[RationalWiki]].<ref>Okay, we made this one up. But it'd be sort of cool to be considered big enough and important enough to require Divine retribution.</ref>
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== Things that are not targets of Divine retribution ==
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* Despite the fact that [[Jesus Christ|Christ]] forbade the accumulation of wealth more ''often'' and more ''unambiguously'' than he forbade anything else (never once mentioning homosexuality at ''all''), he - or at least God [[Trinity|although they're supposed to be the same, sort of]] - clearly wasn't that serious about it, since America is rarely bothered by God for making too much money. (However, note that England, having a much more liberal clergy, ''is'' punished by God for this, up to and including random members of the public drowning when their feet get stuck in drains, as atonement for the sins of the World Bank.<ref>[http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6236348.stm BBC News - Three dead following flood chaos]</ref>)
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* The Anglo-Saxon nations grew rich in the early nineteenth century through child labour and [[Slavery in the Bible|slavery]] - since neither is as bad as gayness, and this was an otherwise pious and churchgoing age, they were relatively untroubled by Divine Retribution, to the extent that anyone remembers.
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* The European heatwave of 2003, although killing tens of thousands, was not Divine Retribution, since it took all summer and God usually does a better job of hitting the headlines.
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== How to invoke Divine retribution ==
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This leaves the question - if I want God to lay waste to some particularly irksome locality, what should I do?
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The first thing to bear in mind is that Divine retribution is generally on a per-country basis, and [[Examples of God personally killing people|only occasionally]] more specific than that.
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The second thing to remember is that God is perfectly in tune with his creation - he will not destroy through natural disaster anything that wasn't likely to cop it sooner or later anyway. For example, cities with decaying flood defenses will get flooded, and federal agencies headed by inexperienced buffoons will screw up the response - ''Praise Be'' that God works so in harmony with his creation!
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(Bear in mind that especially wicked nations such as [[Marijuana|The Netherlands]] have not been spared simply because they have well-organized government and technologically advanced solutions to flood defense - no, places like this are ''so'' gay and liberal that their punishment is too awful for this life and will have to wait for the next.)
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And, most importantly, '''only sexual transgressions are bad'''.
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So, if you wish God to destroy Raleigh, [[North Carolina|NC]],  for example, your best bet is to be very, very gay somewhere in [[Florida]]. If you miss at first, adjust the location of your gayness until God hits the target.
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== See also ==
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* [[Actions which demand the death penalty in the Old Testament]]
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* [[Examples of God personally killing people|Biblical examples of God personally killing people]]
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* [[European witch-hunts]]
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* Foot-and-mouth disease
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* [[Fun:Hangover|Hangover]]
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* [[Types of people that go to Hell]]
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* [[Smallpox]]
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* [[Ad hoc]]
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* [[Excommunication]]
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==Footnotes==
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<references/>
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[[category:Religion]]
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Revision as of 19:31, 8 July 2010

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