Florida
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The current governor is Rick Scott, a <s>shiny-headed [[teabagger]]</s> hard-working former CEO of a large hospital network and innovative governor of Florida.<ref>http://conservapedia.com/Essay:Politicians_Who_Had_a_Real_Career</ref> Rick Scott is notable for spending over seventy-three million dollars of his own money on his campaign. | The current governor is Rick Scott, a <s>shiny-headed [[teabagger]]</s> hard-working former CEO of a large hospital network and innovative governor of Florida.<ref>http://conservapedia.com/Essay:Politicians_Who_Had_a_Real_Career</ref> Rick Scott is notable for spending over seventy-three million dollars of his own money on his campaign. | ||
| − | The previous governor of Florida was Charlie <s>Christ</s> Crist. Charlie was a moderate republican, and as such his views seemed rather wishy-washy depending on who talked to him. Notably during his campaign as a republican for US senator, he was staunchly pro-life, though after becoming an independent he was pro- | + | The previous governor of Florida was Charlie <s>Christ</s> Crist. Charlie was a moderate republican, and as such his views seemed rather wishy-washy depending on who talked to him. Notably during his campaign as a republican for US senator, he was staunchly pro-life, though after becoming an independent he was pro-choice. To his credit, however, Crist did alot to help the Florida education system and the environment, particularly the Florida Everglades. |
Crist was at one point considered a possible running mate for John McCain during the '08 presidential election, and one must wonder how if the election would of turned out differently if he was vice-president instead of [[Sarah Palin|that crazy moose shooting hockey mom]]. | Crist was at one point considered a possible running mate for John McCain during the '08 presidential election, and one must wonder how if the election would of turned out differently if he was vice-president instead of [[Sarah Palin|that crazy moose shooting hockey mom]]. | ||
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===National Politics=== | ===National Politics=== | ||
With its large population and relatively balanced political demographics, it is a very important state for presidential candidates to woo. Or [[2000 U.S. Presidential Election|steal]]. | With its large population and relatively balanced political demographics, it is a very important state for presidential candidates to woo. Or [[2000 U.S. Presidential Election|steal]]. | ||
Revision as of 03:49, 15 August 2011
Florida is America's wang, and hangs proudly over the Caribbean from the United States' abdomen. It is also the least explicable of the weird states, being the only state so honored with its own tag by Fark.com.
Contents |
Demographics
Due to its geographic location, it is home to both large numbers of retired Americans from northerly climes, and (the descendants of) disenfranchised Cuban businessmen who were pwned by Fidel Castro in 1959. Also flying cockroaches large enough to need their own runways.
Retirees
Retirees in Florida are required to submit to the following provisions prior to being allowed past the Florida state line checkpoints:
- New Florida residents above the age of 64½ are required by Florida Statute to wear enormous sunglasses that cover their already enormous coke-bottle trifocals. While not in use and at night time, they are required to be displayed conspicuously on the front seat of their Crown Victoria (or other large vehicle as deemed appropriate by local law enforcement).
- Per the aforementioned article, all new Florida residents of the specified age are required to drive a vehicle no less than 20 feet in length and maintain speeds no more than 10 (ten) miles per hour below the posted speed limit. (This statute is temporarily lifted if the driver is en route to a bingo game and has proper bingo identification)
Foreign residents
As of FY2010, all resident aliens will be required to pay a state entry and exit tariff in the amount of 20% of their gross income. Conversely, all illegal aliens will receive a scholarship to the University of Florida, a (non-transferable) all-access pass to Café Risque (with multiple convenient locations along I-75), and a yearly stipend of no less than 20% of the average gross income of all legal citizens residing in the state.
Key West thinks they are a foreign country, the "Conch Republic". But they aren't.
Politics
State Politics
The current governor is Rick Scott, a shiny-headed teabagger hard-working former CEO of a large hospital network and innovative governor of Florida.[1] Rick Scott is notable for spending over seventy-three million dollars of his own money on his campaign.
The previous governor of Florida was Charlie Christ Crist. Charlie was a moderate republican, and as such his views seemed rather wishy-washy depending on who talked to him. Notably during his campaign as a republican for US senator, he was staunchly pro-life, though after becoming an independent he was pro-choice. To his credit, however, Crist did alot to help the Florida education system and the environment, particularly the Florida Everglades.
Crist was at one point considered a possible running mate for John McCain during the '08 presidential election, and one must wonder how if the election would of turned out differently if he was vice-president instead of that crazy moose shooting hockey mom.
National Politics
With its large population and relatively balanced political demographics, it is a very important state for presidential candidates to woo. Or steal.
Le sports
Florida is the only state to have 3 of its own NFL teams, one of which being the mighty NFL powerhouse, the Miami Dolphins. Florida is the only state to have outlawed bungee jumping, which is sort of moot because there's nothing high enough in Florida to bungee jump from.[2]
Climate
Without air conditioning, Florida would still be an uninhabitable swamp. Everyone has their backyards filled with huge pools, and it thunderstorms so much that Florida is widely known as the lightning strike capital of the world.
The panhandle of Florida with its white sand beaches (and even hills!) is tolerable due to a constant breeze blowing in from the Gulf of Mexico. But Pensacola is the very buckle of the Bible Belt.
Footnotes
- ↑ http://conservapedia.com/Essay:Politicians_Who_Had_a_Real_Career
- ↑ Except, one presume, cranes imported for the "sport".
| The Bible Belt | |
| Alabama - Arkansas - Florida - Georgia Kansas - Kentucky - Louisiana - Mississippi Missouri - North Carolina - Oklahoma - South Carolina Tennessee - Texas - Virginia - West Virginia - Jesusland | |