Fun:Star Wars

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*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-uQWNd540I&feature=player_embedded Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. I exist, and I find it nauseating.]
 
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-uQWNd540I&feature=player_embedded Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. I exist, and I find it nauseating.]
 
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDUrw7j0UA4 Patton Oswalt's Episode VII Filibuster]
 
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDUrw7j0UA4 Patton Oswalt's Episode VII Filibuster]
*[[Neil deGrasse Tyson]] and [[Brian Cox]] [https://twitter.com/ProfBrianCox/status/358270782478102528 have a nerdfight on the possibility of real-life lightsabers.]
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*[[Neil deGrasse Tyson]] and [[Brian Cox]] [https://twitter.com/ProfBrianCox/status/358301568463941634 have a nerdfight on the possibility of real-life lightsabers.]
 
*What if Episode [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgICnbC2-_Y I] and [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAbug3AhYmw II were good?] - See how simple that was, Oh Great Mansioned One?
 
*What if Episode [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgICnbC2-_Y I] and [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAbug3AhYmw II were good?] - See how simple that was, Oh Great Mansioned One?
 
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4hvUvBmoaA How ''The Phantom Menace'' Should Have Ended] and its [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sKRRY5tQz8 3D Trailer]
 
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4hvUvBmoaA How ''The Phantom Menace'' Should Have Ended] and its [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sKRRY5tQz8 3D Trailer]

Revision as of 21:23, 13 April 2014

Star Wars is a series of three science fiction movies (AND THERE ARE ONLY THREE OF THEM AND NO MORE) that took place [sic] a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Despite the fact that it took place a long time ago and really far away, almost everyone was humanoid and spoke perfect English.

After absolutely nothing happened whatsoever from 1999-2008, the creator of Star Wars[1] finally decided to sell off his studio to Walt Disney in 2012 so it could try to revive the franchise from certain death repeat the successes of the trilogy.

Contents

Characters

From the prequels ahem, "unpleasantness"

A forward thinking Dark Lord of the Sith
  • Anakin Skywalker - the main protagonist, Anakin was a snotty, unappreciative, narcissistic megalomaniac, and his actor won a bunch of Razzies.
  • Obi-Wan Kenobi - the sexually nonthreatening father figure, played by one of the sexiest Scotsmen around.
  • Darth Sidious (Supreme Chancellor Palpatine) - the main antagonist, preys on Anakin's daddy issues. The only one who looks like he's having a good time.
  • Master Yoda - the really sexually nonthreatening grandfather figure, he was.
  • Padmé Amidala - the love interest of Anakin, Padmé was also the love interest of every heterosexual teenage male who watched the series.[2] She dies because she gave birth to Leia and there's only allowed to be one woman in the Star Wars universe at any one time.
  • Darth Maul - a lobster/devil thing who was good at martial arts and was soon made irrelevant.
  • Jar Jar Binks - the greatest Star Wars character of all time.

From the original trilogy

Previously unseen childhood snap of Chewbacca
The influence of Princess Leia's hairstyling continues to haunt Ukrainian politics.
  • Darth Vader - the main antagonist, Vader enjoyed long walks on the beach, killing his generals, and editing Conservapedia. In a previous life he had been well-known to British viewers as the Green Cross Code Man,[wp] exorting children to 'stop, look and listen.' Actually played by three actors - one for the voice, another for the stunts, and a third for him dying. (Why?)
  • Luke Skywalker - the main protagonist and largest asshole in the galaxy, Luke would only have sexual relations with his sibling.
  • Obi-Wan Kenobi - still sexually nonthreatening; while waiting for young Luke to grow up, Obi-Wan spent his time meditating and surfing the galactic internet PMing Yoda.
  • Han Solo - a maverick (similar to John McCain[WTF?]), was always stroking his own Wookie
  • Princess Leia Organa - was a snotty, unappreciative, narcissistic megalomaniac with nice boosters. Her golden bikini scene in Return of the Jedi was a formative experience for many adolescent boys in the early 1980s.
  • Yoda - still the New Age-y green dwarf who had been Fozzie Bear[3] in a previous life. The giveaways were his voice, and enjoying swamp life. Offered more platitudes than Kermit though.
  • Chewie - a furry seven foot yeti/bigfoot thing named after chewing tobacco. Sort of like a giant superintelligent bipedal Yorkshire terrier. Used to yelp and gurgle a lot, and went through the Millenium Falcon's shampoo by the barrel.
  • C-3PO - a surprisingly camp golden robot, who had odd gestures and posture. R2-D2's soulmate.
  • R2-D2 - a short dumpy robot who made unintelligable bleepy noises which, bizarrely, everyone in the film (and the audience) could instantly understand. Either that, or he was continually swearing.
  • Jabba the Hutt - a fat, sluggish nightclub owner. Another character who didn't speak English.
  • Peter Cushing - I mean, Peter Cushing was in it! As a naval commander of some kind of grey planetary structure.
  • Admiral Ackbar - It's a frap Sorry, I just left Starbucks. It's a trap!
  • Ewoks - teddy bears who lived up trees and spoke Kalmyk (the language spoken by the Kalmyk people of Russia). Blatantly invented to sell toys. Probably the first sign that Star Wars was going horribly wrong.

It's worth watching Akira Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress, to see where the inspiration for several of these characters came from. Snotty princess - Check. Camp pair of retainers - Check. Evil emperor - Check. Samurai who gains in confidence - Check...

The RationalWiki angle

Redditor: Who shot first? Han Solo or Greedo?
Harrison Ford: I don't know and I don't care.
—on April 13, 2014[4]
  • Star Wars explores how a small determined cabal of neocons Sith Lords can use an invented "crisis" to manipulate a democracy through fear into acting against its own interest, thus becoming an Evil Empire.
  • Star Wars presents a distilled version of Zoroastrianism, Buddhism, Taoism, and Christianity under a generic religion called The Force which grants magic powers to its initiates.
  • Star Wars has one of the more hilariously self-contradictory ethics systems ever: Luke is fine with slaughtering legions of Imperial troops, henchmen, and everyone on the Death Star,[5] yet when he reaches the Emperor he won't kill him because this would be "giving in to the Dark Side." However, there is a crucial difference: the Death Star is not defenseless (and is about to destroy an inhabited planet), but the Emperor appears to be.[6][7]

Parodies

There are too many to count, but only one (in film format) has stood the test of time: Mel Brooks' Spaceballs.[8][9][10] Released seven years after Return of the Jedi and deemed pointless by critics, it is now recognized as the last good moment of Brooks' cinema career.

Video games

Battlefront, KOTOR and Rogue Squadron. Play them.

There's also an old MMORPG named Star Wars Galaxies, and a newer MMORPG named Star Wars: The Old Republic. As with all MMORPGs, you should only play them if you don't ever want to have any free time again.

The LEGO Star Wars series did a surprisingly good job of retelling the prequel trilogy. Turns out that the story becomes substantially more entertaining once all the dialogue has been removed, and the more worthless characters given useful abilities. Plus you can pummel Jar Jar Binks and Anakin Skywalker into dismemberment as much as you like with no penalty.[11]

External links

Footnotes

  1. We must not speak his name... (NSFL)
  2. Who doesn't fancy Natalie Portman?
  3. Or perhaps Grover
  4. THANK YOU.
  5. Stormtroopers 9/11
  6. This is never explored in the movies. AT ALL. The few Expanded Universe authors who have drawn attention to this issue (Matthew Stover, Karen Traviss) are alternately loved and flamed by ravenous rancors fanboys.
  7. Another possible difference is not ethical but psychological. Luke is tempted to kill the Emperor out of anger, rather than simply as part of a necessary war. Anger is apparently an emotion that leads Jedi to the Dark Side.
  8. Opening scene
  9. Comb the desert!
  10. Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
  11. Seriously! They explode into Lego pieces when killed.
  12. Okay, okay, here you go.
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