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Since the unveiling of the Welfare State in post-WWII Britain, the traditional British method of making tea was seen as far too elitist for this new, more socialist era. The answer was Builder's tea which, with its more egalitarian flare, soon usurped the old tradition of British tea. It is made thusly:
 
Since the unveiling of the Welfare State in post-WWII Britain, the traditional British method of making tea was seen as far too elitist for this new, more socialist era. The answer was Builder's tea which, with its more egalitarian flare, soon usurped the old tradition of British tea. It is made thusly:
 
#Boil kettle (ensuring the element is sufficiently furred with limescale).
 
#Boil kettle (ensuring the element is sufficiently furred with limescale).
#Whilst kettle is boiling, place a teabag and sugar to taste into a ceramic mug. Please ensure it is a study, tea stained mug with some dodgy slogan on the side, eg. Worlds best Dad or I heart London. DO NOT use a delicate bone china teacup unless you are Hyacinth Bucket.
+
#Whilst kettle is boiling, place a teabag and sugar to taste into a ceramic mug. Please ensure it is a sturdy, tea stained mug with some dodgy slogan on the side, eg. Worlds best Dad or I heart London. DO NOT use a delicate bone china teacup unless you are Hyacinth Bucket.
 
#Eat a biscuit while waiting for kettle to boil.
 
#Eat a biscuit while waiting for kettle to boil.
 
#Once boiled, pour water into mug.
 
#Once boiled, pour water into mug.

Revision as of 03:46, 22 October 2010

A Rosy Lee.

Tea is, of course, the lifeblood of the gods, and soul of the British nation.

The Americans hated tea so much, that they dumped it into a river bay ocean harbour just to get rid of it. The king was so incensed at their lack of good taste that he sent an army to remind Americans [sic] all about tea drinking. The rebellious colonials won.

Contents

How to make a nice cup of tea

The Royal Society of Chemistry recently came up with a definitive recipe for the perfect cup of tea. Loose leaf Assam tea should be used (teabags don't allow the flavour to circulate properly). Soft water should be drawn into the kettle and boiled. Never re-boil old water as this drives out too much dissolved oxygen, essential for some of the chemical processes involved. While waiting for this, microwave a teapot, containing a quarter of a cup of water, on full power for a minute.

British tea for one

  1. Pour water into a kettle, then heat it over the stove in a nineteenth-century British house.
  2. While the kettle is boiling, add the preferred amounts of sugar to the cup using a standard British teaspoon. Make sure the sugar is added to the mug in which the tea is later to be poured into. The maximum recommended number of teaspoons of sugar to add to the cup is three. Three is the maximum number recommended, and the maximum recommended number of teaspoons of sugar for one cup of tea is three. Four teaspoons of sugar is right out - and this amount should not be added to the tea under any circumstances for risks to one's health. One or two teaspoons of sugar are acceptable, and if one was so inclined, one may proceed to add an extra teaspoon of sugar to the cup, to make the total number of teaspoons of sugar in the mug three. Sugar in tea is a vile abomination and all those who practice this should be hung by the ankles until they have had enough! In the wise words of Orwell, "To those misguided people I would say: Try drinking tea without sugar for, say, a fortnight and it is very unlikely that you will ever want to ruin your tea by sweetening it again."[1]
  3. Once the kettle has boiled, pour a small amount of water from the kettle into the teapot and use it to warm the pot.
  4. Throw the water in the teapot away and re-boil the kettle to ensure the water is boiling.
  5. Add a teabag to the teapot and pour the freshly-boiled water over it. Leave for at least two minutes.
  6. While the boiling water is mixing with the teabag, take up to three biscuits - digestives are acceptable while chocolate Hobnobs are preferable - and place them on a plate in a nice triangular pattern - ensure that this is done within the two minute gap as the tea mixes with the water.
  7. Pour the tea from the teapot gently into the mug. Make sure to not overfill the mug and to leave room for milk.
  8. Add the desired amount of milk to the cup from a freshly milked goat - make sure the milk is taken directly from the goat's udder and milked into the cup of tea. (What? What's wrong with that???)
  9. Make sure to change one's footwear to a nice pair of Burberry slippers, and then proceed to the living area and sit in a reclining armchair while reading The Telegraph or listening to anything by Liszt[2]. DO NOT EVER attempt reading The Telegraph and listening to anything by Liszt simultaneously, as doing so will cause a paradox, triggering a set of chain reactions which destroy the entire universe. Of course, that would be worst case scenario...

Teabagless tea

  1. Place one rounded teaspoon of tea per cup into pot.
  2. Take the pot to the kettle as it is boiling (George Orwell recommends that the kettle should still be on the gas flame while pouring), pour on to the leaves and stir, leaving the tea to brew for three minutes.
  3. Pour milk into a ceramic mug, followed by the tea, aiming to achieve a colour that is rich and attractive.
  4. Add sugar to taste. Orwell was against this, sarcastically noting that "it would be equally reasonable to put in pepper or salt". It is of note that the only proper way to consume tea is untainted.
  5. Drink at 60-65 ºC, to avoid any vulgar slurping which results from trying to drink it too hot.
  6. To gain optimum ambiance for enjoyment of tea aim to achieve a seated drinking position in a favoured home spot where quietness and calm will elevate the moment.

American tea for one

  1. Obtain several hundred crates of tea, preferably in a ship on a body of water
  2. Get as many of your buddies to dress up as Indians as possible
  3. Dump the tea into said body of water
  4. Go to the store
  5. Buy a fucking Snapple[3]

Builder's tea for one

Since the unveiling of the Welfare State in post-WWII Britain, the traditional British method of making tea was seen as far too elitist for this new, more socialist era. The answer was Builder's tea which, with its more egalitarian flare, soon usurped the old tradition of British tea. It is made thusly:

  1. Boil kettle (ensuring the element is sufficiently furred with limescale).
  2. Whilst kettle is boiling, place a teabag and sugar to taste into a ceramic mug. Please ensure it is a sturdy, tea stained mug with some dodgy slogan on the side, eg. Worlds best Dad or I heart London. DO NOT use a delicate bone china teacup unless you are Hyacinth Bucket.
  3. Eat a biscuit while waiting for kettle to boil.
  4. Once boiled, pour water into mug.
  5. Leave for a minute, squeeze and then deposit into sink the teabag, add milk and stir. Perfect builder's tea.

Step 5 may be replaced with "leave for ten minutes or until the spoon dissolves."

Tea for religious purposes

For a considerably less relaxing experience, make tea with crushed psilocybin mushrooms and squeegee your third fuckin' eye.

In popular culture/real life

  • Tea is sodding important in Britain, and is one of the cornerstones of British society. Ask any of the British editors here about tea and you will observe a love for it which borders on the erotic. (NOTE: there are exceptions)
  • In the popular Irish sitcom "Father Ted", the housemaid, Mrs Doyle, was a strong proponent of tea-drinking, and often asked the protagonists several times in one episode if they would like a cup of tea, and when refused, she would reply with "Ah, go on!" until they concurred. This was taken to the extreme in one episode, when a guest in the parochial house was playing music so loud that voices could not be heard, and Mrs Doyle showed the guest signs which said "Cup of Tea?" followed by several signs afterwards reading "Ah, go on!". She also insisted on making a cuppa for a delivery man who stated that he had a lethal allergy to tea. She also apparently believed that it should always be made by a person as, when she was given a tea-making machine as a Christmas present, she brutally murdered it with a screwdriver in the dead of night.
  • Tea in Britain is generally of the black variety. Drinking Green or White tea will cause others to question your sexual orientation. Worse yet, they may see the green tea and start talking woo at you.

Too long, didn't read

You may choose to watch the movie instead.

External links

Footnotes

  1. "The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George Orwell" Volume 3 (1943-45). Penguin. ISBN 0 1400 3153 7
  2. When performing actions that send you to Hell, it is best to have an accompaniment by Liszt
  3. They are located next to the regular Snapple in your favorite store.
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