Ghost Hunters
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The investigators then <s>strap on their proton packs</s> pile up a bunch of random electronic hardware in their vans, and go <s>blow the crap out of some ghosts</s> interview the deluded people who are convinced that they see dead people, and are desperate to have their superstitious ideas confirmed by fully qualified plumbers. | The investigators then <s>strap on their proton packs</s> pile up a bunch of random electronic hardware in their vans, and go <s>blow the crap out of some ghosts</s> interview the deluded people who are convinced that they see dead people, and are desperate to have their superstitious ideas confirmed by fully qualified plumbers. | ||
| − | The plumbers then proceed to make the Nixon White House plumbers look brilliant, as they generally set up gear to record whatever noise, wow, and flutter they can. Cameras are set up in the dark, and sound recorders in silent rooms. They let the equipment run unattended for a few hours, while wandering around misusing other equipment, such as the magical "EMF detector". | + | The plumbers then proceed to make the Nixon White House plumbers look brilliant, as they generally set up gear to record whatever noise, wow, and flutter they can. Cameras are set up in the dark, and sound recorders in silent rooms. They let the equipment run unattended for a few hours, while wandering around misusing other equipment, such as the magical "EMF detector", which is not a simple instrument used in zoning and to help isolate lab equipment. Really! It's a GHOST HUNTING TOOL! |
They then go home to some dump in Jersey, pore over the blank tapes and get really excited about what white noise sounds and looks like when the gain is turned up all the way. | They then go home to some dump in Jersey, pore over the blank tapes and get really excited about what white noise sounds and looks like when the gain is turned up all the way. | ||
Revision as of 22:07, 30 November 2010
| Can such things be? |
| The Twilight Zone |
Ghost Hunters, is a comedy television show featuring the exploits of a group of mildly challenged plumbers paranormal investigators as they misuse a bunch of consumer electronics from their local Circuit City Best Buy in an effort to find "evidence" of paranormal activity. The core team is comprised of members of The Atlantic Paranormal Society (TAPS). When not appearing in episodes of this series, the crew enjoy posing for photos for the Ghost Hunters website, in which they aim to appear thoughtful, skeptical, or mysterious, but in most cases the overall impression is one of puzzlement and constipation.
To the skeptic, the only reason to watch is to play the "lowest IQ in this segment" competition; that and some of the team are reasonably attractive in a confused kind of way.
Contents |
An episode in a nutshell
The typical American segment consists of a situation in which someone is under the impression that they're witnessing paranormal activity. They call Ghostbusters TAPS, whose principals quickly slide down the fire pole remove their arms from the s-bends of whatever toilets they were unplugging in order to rush to investigate the alleged haunting.
The investigators then strap on their proton packs pile up a bunch of random electronic hardware in their vans, and go blow the crap out of some ghosts interview the deluded people who are convinced that they see dead people, and are desperate to have their superstitious ideas confirmed by fully qualified plumbers.
The plumbers then proceed to make the Nixon White House plumbers look brilliant, as they generally set up gear to record whatever noise, wow, and flutter they can. Cameras are set up in the dark, and sound recorders in silent rooms. They let the equipment run unattended for a few hours, while wandering around misusing other equipment, such as the magical "EMF detector", which is not a simple instrument used in zoning and to help isolate lab equipment. Really! It's a GHOST HUNTING TOOL!
They then go home to some dump in Jersey, pore over the blank tapes and get really excited about what white noise sounds and looks like when the gain is turned up all the way.
The last step is to return to the scene of the slime and tell the morons, in most cases, that there really is something going on there!!! Once in a while they act "skeptical" and say there might be a haunting, but that they didn't couldn't find strong evidence for it. They also occasionally unclog the mark's haunting victim's toilet- evidently for free!
Suggested equipment
The Ghost Hunters team is kind enough to provide Steve's list of equipment for budding paranormal investigators.[1]. If you follow the references and read the Ghost Hunters descriptions of these devices, you'll notice a distinct lack of evidence. Claims for the effectiveness of a device or will typically be backed by claims beginning with the phrase "many paranormal investigators believe…". As you review the list, consider playing a drinking game. Take a shot each time you see the words "many" or "some" used to support the efficacy of a device.
At the time of writing, the list is as follows:
Digital recorder
A digital recorder, such as a portable device for recording voice memos, is perfect for observing electronic voice phenomenon (EVP). Steve has the following to say about the digital recorder (our emphasis to highlight vagueness, uncertainty and anecdotal evidence):
"It's the contention of many paranormal experts, and my own personal experience, that voices from the other side can manifest as EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomena). EVPs are generally inaudible to the human ear, but can sometimes be picked up on electronic recording devices. At TAPS, we use digital and analog recorders to attempt to capture EVPs."[2]
It's also the contention of many paranormal experts that underpants are best worn on the outside, or on the head. As is the case with EVP, we await evidence in support of the outside-underpants contention. The practice of using a digital recorder to capture EVP is the modern version of leaving a cassette recorder running in a darkened room, and then turning up the volume on playback to try to make sense of static and naturally occurring background noise.
Based on the progression from analog tape to digital recorders, one can only assume that ghosts in the future will learn to encode their wails as MP3s, conveniently emailing them directly to paranormal investigators.
Electromagnetic field (EMF) detector
This device is a lot of fun, particularly if one lacks sufficient knowledge to understand the origin of EMF. There are many different sources of electromagnetic radiation, and it's pure guess-work that ghosts have some kind of EMF signature. EMF activity is likely to always be detected to some extent, barring measurements conducted for people who live in Faraday cages. A good analogy would be to compare an EMF detector to an AM radio receiver. The radio will still pick-up background noise, even if it's not tuned to a frequency being used for broadcasting. One could cite this static as proof of the existence of ghosts, and that's pretty much what Ghost Hunters are doing, albeit in a more expensive and complicated way. Benjamin Radford of the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, on Ghost Hunter's nonsensical usage of measuring devices, commented "Just as using a calculator doesn't make you a mathematician, using a scientific instrument doesn't make you a scientist."[3]
Mini-Digital Video Camera
Steve's explanation of this device is particularly telling (our emphasis):
"If you’re a serious paranormal investigator, the mini-digital video camera is an indispensable part of your arsenal. Not only will it provide a visual and audio record of your investigation, it will give you unrestricted access to locations and allow you to see your own reactions to paranormal activity, when it occurs, in real time"[4]
The emphasized text shows the most important use for such cameras: To get spooky-looking footage. The ideal approach is stand in a creepy room, pointing the camera at your face, and babble incoherently about how eerie things feel. For added effect, avoid editing out footage containing rapid camera angle changes. These jerky shots enhance the feeling of trepidation. The only drawback to this type of camera is that pictures of the investigators and their clients don't look freaky enough. What could be done to enhance the "otherworldly" feeling?
Thermal imaging camera
Hooray, this is exactly what we need! A thermal imaging camera will complement the mini-digital video camera by providing the Paris Hilton sex-tape look so highly prized by paranormal investigators.[5] It's far easier to convey a sense of fear when people are dimly lit and green. This technology can also identify cold spots in a house that can be attributed to a ghostly visitation or a poorly insulated window-frame.
Paranormal investigation is best conducted in a dark and creepy location. A cynic might suggest that the rationale here is to afford the investigators and their clients subjects more freedom to confabulate ghosts out of shadows and noises heard from the darkness. That may be unfair, since many theorists could claim that ghosts won't appear unless the scene is suitably creepy - in the same way that psychotic voices prefer to appear in the heads of the mentally ill.
White noise generator
Steve says that this is no-longer used by TAPS, indicating that their credulity has some limits. A skeptic may suggest that their main reason for retiring this device is because white noise is very irritating to listen to. According to "some" theorists, these devices can generate noise that is subsequently manipulated by ghosts in order to communicate with the living. This could be like modulating a carrier wave, except there is actually evidence that carrier waves can be modulated.
See also
- Woo
- Gullibility
- Roto-Rooter
Footnotes
- ↑ Ghost Hunters: Random electronic gadgets you can wave around in a dark room while going "OoooOOOooOOOooo"
- ↑ How to use a digital recorder to find naturally occurring noises.
- ↑ Ben Radford's article on the "ghost hunting" phenomenon In this he is strongly critical of those who use scientific instruments, badly, or based on the unfounded assumption that ghosts generate activity that can be measured by scientific instruments.
- ↑ How to use a digital video camera
- ↑ This is the green effect seen when using night-vision goggles (such as those that observe the infra-red spectrum). Wikipedia has an article on this technology: Night vision device. Curiously no-one knows why such devices should be any more useful in spotting ghosts than they would goblins, invisible dragons, or a cloaked Klingon Bird of Prey.