Heaven
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Heaven is the reversed spelling of "Nevaeh", a common girls' name. The name is intended to promote a life of frustrated abstinence and a "holier than thou" attitude problem.
Due to the personalities of these women, modern Christians have appropriated the reversed spelling to name the palace they think they will live in after they die. In their religion, heaven is a place where nothing ever happens. It sits atop the giant, solid dome we call "the sky."[1]
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Why heaven would be worse than hell (if it existed)
According to Christianity, while one is in "heaven", one can do nothing but constantly and mindlessly worship the Christian god. It would appear that hell, with its complete lack of god, would be infinitely superior. Luckily for us, neither heaven nor hell are real, so we do not have to make the choice between these two.
To reverse this perception, Heaven has been building a waterpark. However, Heaven contracted out leprechaun laborers and the project has suffered severe logistical and budgetary roadblocks.
Further along these lines, heaven has been defined as:
- A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. [2]
As an additional note: Have you seen the people who claim to be securely destined for Heaven? Would you want to spend eternity with them?
Heaven, in reality
- Heaven... is a place... a place... where nothing... nothing ever happens.[3]
Paradise
Islam teaches that good Muslims go to Paradise or "Jannat" when they die. A common western misconception is that men get very pleasant sexual rewards in Paradise - in fact they get two wives and a hundred concubines,[4] (or more accurately Houri) which sounds a bit like hard work.
The hundred concubines may not be real women though, but "Houri", who are apparently designed for men's sexual pleasures. They are always virgins and their sexual relationship with men does not affect their virginity. Furthermore they do not get older than thirty-three years of age.[5] As with all passages from holy books there are some believers who take them more literally than others.
A conversation between a Guardian journalist and a failed female suicide bomber went as follows:
- Guardian: According to the Koran, male martyrs are welcomed to paradise by 72 beautiful virgins; and women martyrs?
- FFSB: A woman martyr will be the person in charge, the manager, the officer of the 72 virgins, the fairest of the fair.[6]
Other views see the Islamic paradise as a direct equivalent to the Sugar Mountain offered by most religions and understand that the 50 virgins thing is a myth.
See also
Footnotes
- ↑ Paul H. Seely, The Firmament and the Water Above Part I: The Meaning of raqiaà in Gen 1:6-8
- ↑ Bierce, Ambrose, The Devil's Dictionary, Castle Books, NY, 1967
- ↑ Talking Heads (David Byrne), Heaven, on Fear of Music
- ↑ Wives and concubines
- ↑ Houri
- ↑ Guardian interview with female suicide bomber