Massage
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You should probably leave this to physical therapists. | You should probably leave this to physical therapists. | ||
===Structural bodywork/[[Rolfing]]=== | ===Structural bodywork/[[Rolfing]]=== | ||
| − | The principle behind is the lengthening of muscle fascia by | + | The principle behind is the lengthening of muscle fascia by {{wpa|thixotropy}} (melting- fascia is a colloid). This is supposed to get rid of "chronic holding patterns"- basically bad posture- by allowing for more range of motion. Structural bodyworkers and Rolfers believe most muscle pain is caused by these chronic holding patterns causing musles to overextend, over contract, whatever. This was devised by biologist Ida Pauline Rolf, but to date, there are no scientific studies to back it. And it hurts. |
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===Swedish Massage=== | ===Swedish Massage=== | ||
As devised by the Swede Per Henrik Ling, this is the most common and well-known form of massage. You'll find that this is quite relaxing, and may sooth some of your aches and pains. Improved circulation is also a benefit. This modality consists largely of variations on three strokes: ''effleurage'', ''petrissage'', and ''tapotement''. Don't be fooled into thinking this can provide anything more than temporary relief and benefits. | As devised by the Swede Per Henrik Ling, this is the most common and well-known form of massage. You'll find that this is quite relaxing, and may sooth some of your aches and pains. Improved circulation is also a benefit. This modality consists largely of variations on three strokes: ''effleurage'', ''petrissage'', and ''tapotement''. Don't be fooled into thinking this can provide anything more than temporary relief and benefits. | ||
Revision as of 18:27, 19 May 2011
A massage. It sounds great. You see on TV and movies massage therapists making people feel wonderful. So you decide to call one up. Hmm... Asian Angels Massage, inc. OH MY GOD THEY'RE HOOKERS I HAVE SYPHILIS NOW.
Three weeks and a lot of penicillin later, you decide to try again. You go to a place called Mind, Body, and Magic. You pray to your god that the "magic" isn't a euphemism for transsexual prostitution. You get there, and the guy starts talking to you about meridian lines and chi. You're confused, but you give it a try. He takes a half hour touching these "acupoints" with his fingers, and he charges you $200. After reporting this bastard to the Better Business Bureau, you decide to try one final time.
You go to Sports Massage Extreme. They tell you you have butt cancer, and that massage can cure it. Welcome to the world of massage therapy.
Contents |
What you need to know about massage
- It works best if you're naked.
- "Energy work" works best if you believe
- Sleeping with clients gives all massage therapists a bad reputation
- The American Massage Therapist Association is as credible as L. Ron Hubbard
Types of Massage
Massage is divided into a variety of "modalities" each rife with an unwarranted aura of self-importance. Some included are:
Acupressure
Acupuncture without the needles. Recalibrates your "chi," a mysterious undetectable energy which apparently violates the laws of thermodynamics. It must work, because it's thousands of years old, right?
Injury Massage
You should probably leave this to physical therapists.
Structural bodywork/Rolfing
The principle behind is the lengthening of muscle fascia by See the Wikipedia article on thixotropy. (melting- fascia is a colloid). This is supposed to get rid of "chronic holding patterns"- basically bad posture- by allowing for more range of motion. Structural bodyworkers and Rolfers believe most muscle pain is caused by these chronic holding patterns causing musles to overextend, over contract, whatever. This was devised by biologist Ida Pauline Rolf, but to date, there are no scientific studies to back it. And it hurts.
Swedish Massage
As devised by the Swede Per Henrik Ling, this is the most common and well-known form of massage. You'll find that this is quite relaxing, and may sooth some of your aches and pains. Improved circulation is also a benefit. This modality consists largely of variations on three strokes: effleurage, petrissage, and tapotement. Don't be fooled into thinking this can provide anything more than temporary relief and benefits.
Shiatsu
Like acupressure, but in spite of all the bullshit can amount to a massage that feels good. Still not worth more than 60 bucks.
Trigger Point Therapy
Trigger points are permanent localized muscle contractions caused by injury or strain. These are quite real, but treatment for serious occurrences should definitely not be left to massage therapists.
The Mind of a Massage Therapist
"I went to school for seven months and learned all about the human body! Doctors are evil because they don't chat with their patients enough and I know more than them because now I know holistic medicine!" —Something a massage therapist would say
While legally massage therapists are bound by a strict code of ethics concerning claims they can make and diagnosing diseases, in practice the limited pathology training required of them goes to their head. Pathology education for massage therapists is meant to flag any contra-indications, but the limited information also given on how certain massage techniques can aid the infirm quite often raise the habit of thinking that massage alone can heal. Also, on the matter of diagnosis, massage therapists may sometimes overstep their bounds and
Sources
- Structural Bodywork, Steiner Education Group, June 2008
- Travell, Janet G., and David G. Simons. Myofascial Pain and Dysfunction: the Trigger Point Manual. Baltimore: Williams & Wilkins, 1983. Print.
- http://www.quackwatch.org/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/massage.html