Massage

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(GOLD?!! GOLD IS FOR WIMPS, MOTHERFUCKER! THIS ARTICLE IS PLATINUM, AT LEAST! AND ONLY BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING CONSIDERED MORE PRECIOUS THAN PLATINUM)
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A '''massage'''.  It sounds great.  On TV and in movies we see massage therapists making people feel wonderful.  So you decide to call one up.  Hmm...  Asian Angels Massage, Inc.  Oops, they were hookers and you have syphilis now.  Three weeks and a dose of penicillin later, you decide to try again.  You go to a place called Mind, Body, and Magic. You pray to your [[god]] that the "magic" isn't a euphemism for prostitution.  You get there, and the guy starts talking to you about meridian lines and chi.  You're confused, but you give it a try.  He spends a half hour touching these "acupoints" with his fingers, and he charges you $200.  After reporting this bastard to the Better Business Bureau, you decide to try one final time.  You go to Sports Massage Extreme.  They tell you that you have some disease you've never heard of, and that massage can cure it. Welcome to the world of massage therapy.
 
A '''massage'''.  It sounds great.  On TV and in movies we see massage therapists making people feel wonderful.  So you decide to call one up.  Hmm...  Asian Angels Massage, Inc.  Oops, they were hookers and you have syphilis now.  Three weeks and a dose of penicillin later, you decide to try again.  You go to a place called Mind, Body, and Magic. You pray to your [[god]] that the "magic" isn't a euphemism for prostitution.  You get there, and the guy starts talking to you about meridian lines and chi.  You're confused, but you give it a try.  He spends a half hour touching these "acupoints" with his fingers, and he charges you $200.  After reporting this bastard to the Better Business Bureau, you decide to try one final time.  You go to Sports Massage Extreme.  They tell you that you have some disease you've never heard of, and that massage can cure it. Welcome to the world of massage therapy.
  

Revision as of 02:58, 17 September 2011

Against allopathy

Alternative medicine

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Alternative articles

A massage. It sounds great. On TV and in movies we see massage therapists making people feel wonderful. So you decide to call one up. Hmm... Asian Angels Massage, Inc. Oops, they were hookers and you have syphilis now. Three weeks and a dose of penicillin later, you decide to try again. You go to a place called Mind, Body, and Magic. You pray to your god that the "magic" isn't a euphemism for prostitution. You get there, and the guy starts talking to you about meridian lines and chi. You're confused, but you give it a try. He spends a half hour touching these "acupoints" with his fingers, and he charges you $200. After reporting this bastard to the Better Business Bureau, you decide to try one final time. You go to Sports Massage Extreme. They tell you that you have some disease you've never heard of, and that massage can cure it. Welcome to the world of massage therapy.

Contents

Types of massage

Massage is divided into a variety of "modalities", and each is rife with an unwarranted aura of self-importance.

Acupressure

See the main article on this topic: Acupressure

Acupressure is acupuncture without the needles. Recalibrates one's "chi," a mysterious undetectable energy which apparently violates the laws of thermodynamics. It must work, because it's thousands of years old, right?

Injury massage

You should probably leave this to physical therapists.

Shiatsu

This is like acupressure (though here you say ki instead of chi), but in spite of all the bullshit the session can amount to a massage that feels good. Still not worth more than 60 bucks.

Sports massage

One of the more effective forms of massage, it helps to prevent build up of lactic acid in muscles, helps prevent cramps, and done correctly, aids in keeping muscles and tendons flexible. But trust me, you can't afford the guys who know how to do it correctly, cause they generally have degrees in physiotherapy, anatomy, or sports rehabilitation, and do the massage as an added bonus, and they generally don't work by the hour.

Structural bodywork and Rolfing

See the main article on this topic: Rolfing

The principle behind this therapy is the lengthening of muscle fascia by thixotropy (melting-fascia is a colloid). This is supposed to get rid of "chronic holding patterns" - basically bad posture - by allowing for more range of motion. Structural bodyworkers and Rolfers believe most muscle pain is caused by these chronic holding patterns causing muscles to over-extend, over-contract, or whatever. This was devised by biologist Ida Pauline Rolf, but to date, there are no scientific studies to back it. And it hurts.

Swedish massage

As devised by the Swede Per Henrik Ling, this is the most common and well-known form of massage. You'll find that this is quite relaxing, and may sooth some of your aches and pains. Improved circulation is also a benefit. This modality consists largely of variations on three strokes: effleurage, petrissage, and tapotement. Don't be fooled into thinking this can provide anything more than temporary relief and benefits.

Trigger point therapy

Trigger points are permanent localized muscle contractions caused by injury or strain. These are quite real, but treatment for serious occurrences should definitely not be left to massage therapists.

Legal and medical issues

Unlike many other lines of alternative medicine, massage therapy is not all bad. It can do things like increase circulation, relax you, and provide pain relief. However, many massage therapists exaggerate their abilities and present their therapy as a cure-all.

Legally, massage therapists are bound by a strict code of ethics concerning claims they can make about their ability to diagnose diseases. Pathology education for massage therapists is meant to flag any contra-indications, but the limited information also given on how certain massage techniques can aid the infirm quite often raises the habit of thinking that massage alone can heal.

Also, on the matter of diagnosis, massage therapists may sometimes overstep their bounds and suggest to a client that they have a certain condition, even though their knowledge of whatever the condition is is limited to what they remember from a small entry in their pathology manual. Few therapists are taught with humility. With each class, their instructors reinforce the idea that massage is a powerful tool and that the students will become able to change lives.

Accreditation

With respect to massage therapy, like most alternative medicine, the government faces a dilemma: legitimize it by creating legal standards for it, or not recognize it at all and, e.g., let acupuncturists use dirty needles.

There are proven techniques in massage therapy which can really help people,[1] but there is also quite a bit of bullshit in the field. As an example, the National Certification Examination for Therapeutic Massage and Bodywork in the United States asks questions relating to Traditional Chinese Medicine and to Cranial-Sacral Therapy alongside questions concerning anatomy.

So, in order to become a nationally certified massage therapist, one must be familiar with a good deal of woo. Until real medical professionals step into the accreditation process and make a viable standard for all therapists to follow, the world of massage therapy will continue to be rife with pseudoscience.

Sources

  • Structural Bodywork, Steiner Education Group, June 2008
  • Travell, Janet G., and David G. Simons. Myofascial Pain and Dysfunction: the Trigger Point Manual. Baltimore: Williams & Wilkins, 1983. Print.

Footnotes

  1. http://www.quackwatch.org/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/massage.html
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