Rapture

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==In urban legend==
 
==In urban legend==
  
*A related claim is that they won't allow a "True Christian" to fly with another, but instead require a non-Rapturable co-pilot. <ref>[http://www.snopes.com/religion/pilot.asp Snopes: Skyway to Heaven]</ref>
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An [[urban legend]] states that airlines won't allow a "True Christian" to fly with another, but instead require a non-Rapturable co-pilot. <ref>[http://www.snopes.com/religion/pilot.asp Snopes: Skyway to Heaven]</ref>
  
 
==Quotes==
 
==Quotes==

Revision as of 20:00, 20 May 2011

Who cares about roadkill when I'm with Jesus

The Rapture is an event in Protestant eschatology accompanying the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. First, all dead True Christians™ are to be resurrected. Then all living True Christians™ are transformed into immortal bodies, and both groups rise up into the air to meet Jesus and watch the fireworks which are about to happen on the Earth below. Non-Christians and Christians who aren't True Christians™ (such as Roman Catholics and liberal Methodists like Hillary Clinton) have to suffer the horrible plagues of the seven year Great Tribulation (described in Revelation) as punishment.

Contents

Variations

Most Evangelicals are "Pre-trib". That means they believe the Rapture is the very next event on the prophetic calendar, and they will be raptured out to miss the entire Tribulation. Some Evangelicals are "Pre-wrath" which means they have to suffer the first three and one-half years of the Tribulation, but all those plagues will be man-made (Democratic US President, worldwide economic downturn, gun control, socialist health care, taxes raised to 39% on top earners, etc.) and they are mild compared to the divine wrath of the last three and one-half years. A few Evangelicals are "Post-trib", but they aren't True Christians™ so they won't get beamed out.


Rapture

The Rapture is when the man from Mars stops eatin' cars and eatin' bars. Now he only eats guitars![1]

It also marked the time when white people started trying to pwn rap music for theyzown.

All rapt up

When the rapture comes, can I have your car?

Counterpoint

"When the Rapture comes, I'll make 'em wait!" -- Fragment, The Brag of the SubGenius.

Trusworthy

"I gotta rapture, that's why I gotta wear this truss. Does that make me trusworthy?"

Other religions

The Church of the SubGenius states that the Rapture actually occurred back in 1996, but the only person in the USA who made the cut was one old beet farmer in Iowa, and nobody even noticed he was missing for three months.

Seriously

Some fundamentalist Christians believe that the rapture will actually happen, literally, and all good Christians will be taken to Heaven while the heavens rejoice. The rest will be left behind to face the Devil and his tribulations. The bad people will remain on earth because only Christians are good and good Christians will be guess where, in Heaven. See Guide to Revelations for more religious fear tactics.

Rapture services

For the convenience of those who have been Raptured, the website You've Been Left Behind offers document storage and email sending services back on Earth after their disappearance to Heaven. ""Imagine how taken back [your friends and relatives] will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the Rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it". The friends and relatives who are left to cope with Beelzebub and the Fires of Hades will be even more taken aback to receive emails, good wishes and instructions for the distribution of estates, etc. from those Beyond. All this for the princely sum of $40 a year, which is a paltry price to pay for confirmation of one's Utter Stupidity.

Pets will not be retrieved by that Rapture either, and as such, confirmed atheists will need to handle your pets once the rapture comes. These services can be handled by Eternal Earthbound Pets in the US or Post Rapture Pet Care in the UK. Appplying for such care before the rapture occurs will ensure that you are less bound to earthly events and will make sure that you can be accepted into heaven more quickly. See, those pesky atheists do have a use!

An often overlooked consequence of the Rapture would be the instantaneous orphaning of possibly millions of babies, infants, and children. Despite what Christians believe about an 'age of accountability', the concept is not in the Bible. All babies are atheist, and there is now a service that promises to rescue these babies in the event of Rapture. Rapture-Orphan-Rescue Services offered include using whatever force necessary to rescue such children, prevent them from receiving any sort of Mark of the Beast, and of course ensuring their spiritual salvation too. This business is also run by pesky atheists.

In fiction

The Rapture features prominently in several works of fiction, including the Left Behind series, and films including the Russell Doughten production A Thief in the Night.

In urban legend

An urban legend states that airlines won't allow a "True Christian" to fly with another, but instead require a non-Rapturable co-pilot. [2]

Quotes

"Oh no, it's the Rapture! Quick, Marge, get Bart out of the house before God comes!" -- Homer Simpson

"...what I'm trying to say is who has time to go round picking people out and popping them in the air to sneer at the people dying of radiation sickness on the parched and burning earth below them? If that's your idea of a morally acceptable time, I might add." -- Aziraphale (An Angel, and part-time rare book dealer)[3]

And finally...

What is the fuckin' hold up? People have been talking about this on and off for nigh on two millennia. Let's go already.

Tumbleweed.gif


Those who absolutely cannot wait for the Rapture, and want to escape right now, are cordially invited to Go Galt. An alternative theory is that the rapture has already happened, but no one qualified.

See also

External links

  • Slacktivist's Left Behind Archive
  • An "Atheist" during the "Rapture" (WARNING--contains exceptionally mixed messages.)
  • FALL 2009 – THE END? This website originally expected the rapture in 2008, then revised their predictions when that didn't happen (to the 21st of September 2009), then revised their prediction again when the new date didn't pan out, then revised it a third time to September 2010, then a fourth to October 2010. They settled on December 2010 for a while, but now that that date has passed they've revised it yet again to the end of January 2011. Hey, say what you will about this guy, he's certainly determined. Oh, wait, now he's revised it yet another time - now it's supposedly going to be the end of Rosh Hashanah, 2011. Holy crap, man, why can't you just pick a date and stick with it? Somewhat humorously, he appears to be either too lazy to update the rest of the site or simply does not realize that he has not updated it, and virtually all of the site's arguments are still constructed around the original 2008 prediction, with several sections of the site still giving the original prediction in its entirety despite the fact that, by the original prediction, over half of the 'Tribulation' would already be over by now.

Footnotes

  1. Blondie, "Rapture".
  2. Snopes: Skyway to Heaven
  3. Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, for those who like humor with their apocalypses.
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