Biofield flower therapy

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Not to be confused with Bach flower remedies, which are silly, but not as silly as this.
Against allopathy

Alternative medicine

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Alternative articles

Biofield flower therapy[1] is based on homeopathy but is actually dumber. It was supposedly first perpetrated by the late Professor Dr Helmut Meyl from the Institute of Biophysical Naturopathic Programming in Düsseldorf, Germany.[2]

Contents

[edit] Theory

The therapy seeks to use vibrational[3] patterns inherent within flowering plants to restore biological information transfer within human systems. The modern theory is based on the knowledge[4] that scalar waves[5] within cells can suffer quantum interference from toxins.[6] The practitioner maps the human biofield[7] and matches the frequency of vibration in the biofield[8] and corrects irregularities by application of a suitable combination of biofield flower remedies.

To prepare the remedies:

  1. Harvest the plants[9] at night, so that their vibrations are not exaggerated by thermal electromagnetic disturbances.[10]
  2. Soak the petals in schnapps for six months.
  3. Strain the schnapps through silk.
  4. Swallow the schnapps whilst holding a vial of distilled water.[11] This only works for a trained practitioner!
  5. Drip the water onto lactose pills, which the patient then consumes.

Alternately, the practitioner may put one drop of the schnapps under the patient's tongue and one on their brow.

Practitioners hold that biophotons[12] are captured by the sugar pills, and may[13] transmit the essential photonic vibrational patterns[14] to the light-emitting DNA receptors[15] in damaged cells.

At this point you have filled every square on your alternative medicine bingo card.

[edit] Effectiveness

Researches into the effectiveness of biofield flower therapy are in their "infancy",[2] apparently even by alternative medicine standards.

It was probably useful in giving Professor Doctor Meyl an excuse to drink more schnapps.

[edit] Actual source

It was a parody of alt-med written by Quackometer and posted to Wiki4Cam in 2008,[16] under the name of "Dr Pankaj Chalwa, Certified Biofield Flower Therapy Practitioner Reg No. 1004563 Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala, India".[17] Nobody picked up on it ... including RationalWiki editors. Dammit.

[edit] Footnotes

  1. Not "Blofeld," though that would be much cooler.
  2. 2.0 2.1 Biofield Flower Therapyimg (wiki4cam). There is no evidence on the Web other than this for the existence of Prof Dr Meyl, nor the Institute.
  3. What is vibrating is not made clear.
  4. Evidently an obscure definition of the word that you were previously unaware of.
  5. "Scalar wave" is the new "quantum".
  6. Jana Dixon 2006. "Time." Biology of Kundalini.
  7. Speakers (Quantum Energy Medicine Conference, 2008)
  8. Whatever that actually is.
  9. Naturally growing, of course.
  10. Whatever they actually are.
  11. You read that right. Go back and read it again.
  12. Bischof, Marco 1995. Biophotonen: Das Licht in unseren Zellen. English summary. There is actually such a thing as a biophoton, but its magical powers are another matter. The Wikipedia article is such a woo-riddled disaster that even the skeptics threw up their hands and abandoned it.
  13. I say "may."
  14. Whatever they actually are.
  15. A sensory receptor hitherto unknown to human anatomy, let alone biology.
  16. https://www.facebook.com/quackometer/posts/176254972517390
  17. User:Pankajimg; contributionsimg
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