Book of Ezekiel

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Light iron-age reading

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Thus says the Lord God: “Woe to the women who sew magic charms on their sleeves.... Behold, I am against your magic charms.
Ezekiel 13:18-20

The Book of Ezekiel is a schizophrenic fever dream masquerading as a book of prophecy. It features UFOs, a really dubious bread recipe, a famous old gospel song-slash-anatomy lesson, a rather bizarre passage about God hating pillows, kerchiefs, and a wall; and Chapter 23[1], the Bible's very own Rule 34, to which every Christian boy has spanked it at least once. God orders Ezekiel to bake bread using his own poop in front of other people, and lie on one side for 390 days, then on the other for 40. At one point Ezekiel eats a scroll, and finds it tasty. His recipe for bibliophagy however would be lost, as later on in the Bible John eats a book, and while tasty, it gives him a stomach ache.

When King Nebuchadnezzar was laying siege to the city of Tyre and its destruction seemed a sure thing, Ezekiel boldly prophecied that the king would destroy the city completely, with Yahweh himself assuring that Tyre would not be rebuilt (26:7-14). Already Ezekiel himself also has to quote Yahweh to the effect that Nebuchadnezzar's armies actually failed to conquer Tyre (29:18), but as a consolation the deity would let him plunder Egypt instead (29:19). History however shows that Nebuchadnezzar failed to invade Egypt as well. Centuries later, Alexander the Great finally did destroy Tyre, and believers have been known to claim this as some kind of belated fulfillment of Ezekiel's original prophecy, conveniently overlooking the fact that he also said Nebuchadnezzar would do the job. Also, Tyre was rebuilt, being mentioned repeatedly already in the New Testament and still existing today. As a prophet, Ezekiel was one big failure.

Like Revelation, Ezekiel is an example of why, these days, we have social workers.

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