Fun:California

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We have seasons. We just skip the ones that suck.
—Daniel Tosh

California consists of three states on the "Left" Coast of the United States: Southern California, Northern California, and Los Angeles (which incorporates the fictional location of "Hollywood").

Since a portion of its territory lies on the "wrong" side of the San Andreas Fault, technically part of California is on the Pacific plate.

Most of California was settled by Hispanic peoples long before the fabled East Coast settlements of Plymouth and Jamestown.

It had legalized gay marriage for a few months in 2008 until the infamous Proposition 8 struck this down; however, Jerry Brown, of "California Über Alles" fame, is right on the job, and he figures that any gay couples who did get married during that time are still married.

In August 2010, Proposition 8 was declared unconstitutional by a federal judge, but the decision was stayed pending appeals to the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, where it was struck down again, then stayed again pending appeal to the Supreme Court. The justices in their wisdom ruled that the backers of Prop 8 did not have legal standing, and on June 28, 2013 same-sex marriages resumed, to general rejoicing.

Contents

[edit] California in popular culture

[edit] Other principal exports

[edit] Indigenous creatures

  • Moonbeam. (His father was governor as well.)
  • Der Governator. (Technically imported from Austria, now former Governator.)
  • Water
  • Drought
  • Ronald Reagan. (Technically imported from Illinois. Turned President and allegedly reached sainthood.)
  • Richard Nixon. (Not imported, to California's everlasting shame.)
  • Drought
  • Barbara Streisand's famous shorefront home
  • Big burly lumberjacks, in the far northern third of the state, among the redwoods.
  • Lots of guys in San Francisco who wish they could meet some of those lumberjacks.
  • Drought
  • Silly-Cone Valley
    • Techies
    • Nerds
  • Berserkeley
  • Drought
  • Hollyweirdwood
  • Drought
  • If you have to ask how much it costs to buy a home in San Diego or Marin County, you probably can't afford it... (Whatever. It's not like everyone in SoCal can afford to buy any home.)
  • One of Stephen Curry's houses
  • Even more drought
  • Tons of drought
  • Areas where no hablo inglés is common

[edit] Weather

California's once mighty middle class has been decimated or sent packing and the state is now populated by a feudal elite lording over the poor, its very landscape cursed and forsaken by the gods, who smite it with fire, earthquake and drought, not to mention more mysterious afflictions.
Christopher Loring Knowles

The four California seasons are Drought, Fire, Quake, and Flood. These represent the classic elements Air, Fire, Earth, and Water respectively, proving all the New Age Healers in California right [citation NOT needed].

[edit] Drought (Summer)

It never almost never rains in southern California. It's really not that bad though the state hasn't had a real winter in years. This causes confusion among people who are not from California and a lot of trash talk about how their state is better because it has "real seasons". To a Californian, though, it just sounds like something akin to penis envy. In recent years it hasn't rained in like, at all. Which would be totally awesome if it were not for like crops and stuff that wither and die if they don't get their like, H2O, I mean water, you know?

The water wars in California's central and southern valley are making headlines. It's mostly farming interests who want to rape California's groundwater—with long-term damages that will effect the surrounding regions for thousands of years—for their own profit while claiming the feds are overstepping their boundaries by preventing that from happening.[1] Most farmers are converting anything they can to Almonds due to global demand.[2] Almonds are so profitable these days that even housing developers are planting them rather than building houses. It's a gold rush.[3]

Given the circumstances, it looks like changes to agriculture will be slow and painful, so they're focusing on residential water use which people can actually change. Agriculture is a golden goose. They can't kill it. Golf courses, water parks, lawns, fountains, are easier targets. It's pissing in the wind, but that's the reality.

[edit] Fire (Fall)

Hot, dry summers create tinderbox conditions in woodland areas where, despite dire official warnings every Fall, someone invariably drops a cigarette or a match, touching off a "wildfire season" that lasts roughly from late August through October. Powerful "Santa Ana winds" blow in from the East. During these windstorms, sustained wind speeds of more than 60 mph (96 km/h) are common in the mountain passes. When this happens, any spark can quickly grow into a massive, seemingly unstoppable wildfire. TV news promptly goes into DRAMA mode: intrepid reporters in station-monogrammed fleece jackets file breathless LIVE reports from "the fire ground" while helicopter aerial shots reveal huge walls of flame approaching suburban communities as homeowners desperately water their roofs with pitifully dribbling garden hoses.

[edit] Quake (Winter)

Ignoring statistics and geology, many natives swear that periods of cooler temperatures typically found between November and March bring on "earthquake weather". During this period, stores often promote quake safety items such as straps made of nylon web that anchor tall bookcases and other furniture to walls and "childproof" kitchen cabinet latches that prevent dishware from being hurled to the floor. Also popular are backpacks stocked with first aid kits, flashlights, water, and freeze dried food. See also earthquake prediction and survivalism.

[edit] Flood (Spring)

It's not actually Spring, but more like January when flooding generally occurs, usually as a result of excessive rainfall due to subtropical storms, excessive snow melt, excessive runoff, or levee failure. In addition to homes and roads suddenly underwater, there are massive landslides to contend with. In LA, several people either drown or are rescued from the Los Angeles River after straying too close to its concrete-lined channels.

[edit] Customs (The Grapes of Wrath)

California is the only lower 48 U.S. state that stops you at the state line to ask whether you have any produce. (Hawaii does the same.) They have enough fruits and nuts already and don't want any more.[citation NOT needed] This practice started during the Great Depression, when going through California customs was to keep out Okies and Arkies fleeing the dust bowl, but the ACLU sued and California wound up with a bunch of Okies and Arkies anyway. They had to settle on keeping fruits and nuts out of the state, but they wound up with a bunch of fruits and nuts anyway.

[edit] Pedestrians

When people say nobody walks in California, they usually mean Los Angeles, which is a special case when it comes to pedestrian traffic (and a lot of other things). It's rare to see a skater, jogger, or a bicyclist on the street in LA since everybody knows that public parks and beaches are the only place you should do such things (and always when dressed in fashionable lycra "activewear" bearing a Nike or Reebok logo). Even more rare is seeing a pedestrian outside of a crosswalk since it's common practice for police to stop and question anyone seen walking more than two blocks, especially in an upscale neighborhood. (The exceptions are Compton, LAX, and the areas around them, surprisingly.) That being said, Northern California (which in many regards is so different, it could be its own state) does actually contain insane people who walk more then two blocks and are neither too poor for a car nor out to steal one. Crazy, isn't it?

[edit] Common misconceptions

LIBERALS RAN CALIFORNIA INTO THE GROUND!
  • California consists entirely of beaches.
  • Earthquakes, on average, are much more terrifying and destructive than tornadoes, hurricanes, or any other sort of giant swirly formation of air and clouds.
  • All Californians (not just San Franciscans) are liberal socialist Democrat bleeding-heart dope-smoking homosexuals with AIDS. Have you ever been to the Central Valley?
  • All of California is Los Angeles and the Bay Area.
  • It never rains in Southern California. (The next line in the song is actually "But it pours. Man, it pours!")
  • The only way around is by car. (The most patronized Amtrak routes outside of the Northeast Corridor are in CA, and LA to San Francisco is the busiest air route in the country. Not to mention the growing ridership of BART and other similar systems throughout the state.)
  • Every girl in California has nicely tanned skin.

[edit] Subway

[edit] SoCal

Like, what in the hell is a subway? Like an underground car? Wait--are you talking about the restaurant?

[edit] NorCal

Up here in the SF Bay Area we have the loudest, and filthiest subway in the whole country, and quite possibly the world the Bay Area Rapid Transit or BART for short. The first thing you'll notice when riding BART is the extreme noise that the incoming train produces. One could be forgiven if they believed there was a tornado inside the station. Also unlike N.Y people are allowed to set up stands and shops inside the stations. With the Downtown Berkeley station having a few small coffee shops inside it. Also of note are the many stands run by Jehovah's Witnesses, especially on Fruitvale Station who take pride in distributing magazines like Awake! to the heathen masses. If they try to bother you, just say you're shinto and they'll leave you alone, this is Oakland after all.

[edit] Religion

California, being a heathen state, is less religious than the rest of the U.S.[4] They willnot go to helldespite what fundamentalists say ! Its Bay Area is a cesspool of atheism and homosexuality!

[edit] Footnotes


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