Chickenhawk/NHG/Politicians Platoon

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Originally published on the New Hampshire Gazette website. Used with the express permission and encouragement of Steven Fowle, editorius. Formatting has been altered in the transition to the wiki.

Note to well-meaning copyeditors: The text below is a faithful reproduction of previously published material. Any misteaks, tyops, and other errors are from the original document, and should be left unchanged.
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Chickenhawks: Politicians Platoon

[edit] George W. Bush (R-TX)

George W Bush.jpg
  • Born: 1946
  • Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: You know when a guy walks away from a National Guard obligation during wartime and gets away with it, he must come from "a good family." Not that his daddy had anything to do with his getting a Guard slot in the first place - oh, no ...

[edit] Richard "Dick" Cheney (R-WY)

Cheney scowl.jpg
  • Born: 1942
  • Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: Says he had "other priorities." You bet he had other priorities. Imagine how early in life you must begin scheming to get away with what this guy has. He was too busy thinking about Halliburton to go fight Charlie.

[edit] Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD)

Bartlett roscoe.jpg
  • Born: June 3, 1926
  • Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
  • Conflict Avoided: WWII
  • Notes: Nominated as a chickenhawk by a constituent, Roscoe Bartlett brings to his job on the House Armed Services committee a mind that’s unbiased and unprejudiced — though he had turned 18 by D-Day, when there was still plenty of opportunity to become a bona fide member of the Greatest Generation©, Roscoe let the war go by without putting on a uniform. We don’t know why; perhaps you could ask him.

[edit] Rep. Charlie Bass (R-NH)

Bass charlie.jpg
  • Born: January 8, 1952
  • Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: When your old man's U.S. Representative Perkins Bass (2nd District, NH, 1955–1962), and your grandfather's Governor Robert T. Bass (NH, 1911–1913), chances are slim you'll ever get called "Private Bass," even if you are born in 1952.

[edit] Rep. Roy Blunt (R-MO)

Blunt roy.jpg
  • Born: January 10, 1950
  • Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: The Congressman from Missouri and House Majority Whip who’s so concerned about defending America that offered an amendment to the law creating the Homeland Security department that would have made it tougher to sell cigarettes over the ‘Net. It wouldn’t have helped the whole country, but the part of it that belongs to Phillip Morris would have benefited. Born just about the right time for Vietnam, somehow Blunt was at Southwest Baptist University when he could have been keeping the ‘Cong out of Chillicothe, MO.

[edit] Gov. Jeb Bush (R-FL)

Bush jeb.jpg
  • Born: 1953
  • Employer: Florida Taxpayers
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: When Jeb was younger he managed to avoid fighting for democracy in Vietnam. When his older brother's future job was on the line, though, he had no trouble fighting democracy.

[edit] Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA)

Chambliss saxby.jpg
  • Born: 1943
  • Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: There are chickenhawks, and then there are chickenhawks. Saxby Chambliss is a chickenhawk supreme. He got himself elected to the Senate by casting aspersions on the patriotism of the incumbent, Democrat Max Cleland. Cleland lost three limbs serving his country in Vietnam. Saxby Chambliss was unable to serve because of his bad knees, but somehow is able to totter along as a recreational runner.

[edit] Rep. Tom "The Exterminator" DeLay (R-TX)

Delay tom.jpg
  • Born: April 8, 1947
  • Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: One of our most-nominated chickenhawks, Mr. DeLay has said he wanted to serve in Vietnam, but was unable to since all the positions had been taken by blacks and hispanics. We suspect there might be someone in Iraq today who would be willing to trade places with Mr. DeLay ...

[edit] Rep. Charles Gwynne Douglas, III (R-NH)

Douglas chuck.gif
  • Born: Dec. 2, 1942
  • Employer: Was U.S. Taxpayer
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: Not so notable for bellicosity, but he makes up for it with fervid Republican zeal. Graduated from UNH in 1965, when the draft was pretty strong, but went straight to BU Law. Got out of there in 1968, when it was even stronger. No problem - Ol’ Chuck was “admitted to the bar in 1968 and commenced practice in Manchester, N.H., 1970-1974,” according to an unimpeachable source. How’s he manage to avoid Vietnam? According to that same source, http://bioguide.congress.gov, the future Congressman (NH, 2nd District, 1989–1991) was a “[C]olonel, New Hampshire Army National Guard, 1968 to present.”

[edit] Rep. Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (R-GA)

Gingrich newt.jpg
  • Born: June 17, 1943
  • Employer: Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: A virtuoso in the art of hypocrisy, the former Speaker of the House now claims the Vietnam War was a splendid idea, but at the time he opposed going himself. Newtie also speaks highly of morality, but as a serial adulterer he doesn’t want to get too close to it himself.

[edit] Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH)

Gregg judd.jpg
  • Born: February 14, 1947
  • Employer: The U.S. Taxpayeer
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: Another member of New Hampshire’s hereditary political aristocracy (see also: Charlie Bass and John Sununu) Judd’s daddy was Governor of New Hampshire from 1953 to 1955. Young Judd graduated from Columbia in ‘69 and apparently went straight to BU Law until the coast was clear. For good measure, he got written up for bad knees. They weren’t so bad he couldn’t spend half his term as Governor on the ski slopes.

[edit] Rep. Dennis Hastert (R-IL)

Hastert dennis.jpg
  • Born: January 2, 1942
  • Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: Dennis wasn't able to serve in the Army in Vietnam because his knees weren't up to it. He did OK as a wrestler in college, though.

[edit] Sen. Chester Trent Lott (R-MS)

Lott trent.jpg
  • Born: October 9, 1941
  • Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: We're not sure why Trent didn't serve. Maybe he didn't think he'd look good in Army green. He was a cheerleader in college instead. Wonder how he looked in a cheerleader's uniform?

[edit] Sen. Don Nickles (R-OK)

Nickles don.jpg
  • Born: December 6, 1948
  • Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: Another National Guard-type Republican. It must be noted that service in the Guard these days is vastly different from what it was in the Vietnam era. When Don went in in 1970, it was a safe slot. Thanks to guys like Don, that's no longer true.

[edit] Sen. J. Danforth "Dan" Quayle (R-IN)

Quayle dan.jpg
  • Born: February 4, 1947
  • Employer: "investment firm in Phoenix" - Dan Quayle Museum
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: The Indiana National Guard was a nice safe place for young Dan during the Vietnam era. Good thing he was from "a good family" - too good to waste their boy in a war.

[edit] Gov. Marc Racicot (R-MT)

Racicot marc.jpg
  • Born: July 24, 1948
  • Employer: The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy
  • Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
  • Notes: Marc got a BA in 1970, and immediately took the grad school route. Once the war was safely over he went in the service as an Army lawyer. After his gig as governor was up, he got the top spot at the RNC, likely as a reward for helping W. grab Florida.

[edit] Rep. Joseph "Joe" Scarborough (R-FL)

Scarborough joe.jpg
  • Born: April 9, 1963
  • Employer: MSNBC
  • Conflict Avoided: Desert Storm
  • Notes: A former Republican congressman (1995–2002) turned MSNBC motormouth, Joe qualifies as a politician and a barking head. Where were you during Desert Storm, pal?

[edit] Gov. Meldrim "Mel" Thomson (R-Orford)

Thomson mel.gif
  • Born: March 8, 1929
  • Employer: His Daddy's Publishing Co, Inc.
  • Conflict Avoided: Korea
  • Notes: Meldrim Thomson, New Hampshire’s quintessential Goofy Governor, once sought to arm the state’s National Guard with nuclear weapons. Some thought he wanted nukes to blast the Clamshell Alliance out of the way, so his pals at PSNH could build the Seabrook nuclear power plant. You might think that such a notoriously bellicose individual, twenty-one years old when the Reds crossed the line in Korea, might have managed to get into the fight - but you would be wrong.

[edit] See also

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