Carlos “Chuck" Norris is a washed-up "actor," infomercial star, an unpopular pretend Texas Ranger, mediocre martial artist, and a pro-deficit contributor at WorldNetDaily.
Stop the presses! Chuck Norris is running for President...of Texas.
 The adventures of the brain-dead
Through his columns, Norris has been an outspoken critic of the theory of evolution, the teaching of which he holds makes him act like a monkey (this in spite of the fact that he has access to mirrors). He has also worked to uncover a vast atheist conspiracy to outlaw Christianity in the United States, the first step of which is the acceptance of atheists in our government:
|Though the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered 45 percent of us would support an atheist for president. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of society is alive and well.|
To thwart this menace of secularization, Norris has menacingly promised that if elected President (as if) he would "tattoo an American flag on the forehead of every atheist," an obvious form of flag desecration (see photo).
Norris is active in many fundamentalist causes, including the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. He and his wife are the spokespersons for the National Council on Bible Curriculum, which seeks to bring state certified Bible courses to public high schools nationwide. Godspeed!
 Obligatory flogging of a dead meme
As pretty much everyone with an internet connection knows the "Chuck Norris Facts", here are a few lesser known ones.
- Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked gay marriage, and fell flat on his ass.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He's worrying about gay marriage.
- Chuck Norris’ tears cure gay marriage. Too bad for him he never cries.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only the quivering fear of gay marriage.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t do pushups — he might accidentally get gay-married.
- When Chuck Norris goes to sleep every night, he would check his closet for gay marriage, if he had a closet.
- Chuck Norris does not go opposing gay marriage, because the word “opposing” implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris already failed to stop gay marriage.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil to stop gay marriage. When the deal had been done, the devil gay-married him.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. Tell him how fabulous gay marriage is.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice. But couldn't stop thinking about gay marriage while doing so.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Clint Eastwood in the face, because Clint Eastwood supports gay marriage.
 But does Chuck believe the "Chuck Norris Facts" bullshit?
Watch this clip from a movie written by two Walker, Texas Ranger staff writers and directed by Norris' baby brother and decide for yourself.