“”Therefore thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle.
|—2 Kings 21:12|
God is recorded in the Bible as having
personally killed fast-tracked to the afterlife a large number of people. While the majority of the divine assassinations certainly took place during God's time as the notoriously vengeful dick deity in the Old Testament a few instances are also recorded in the slightly more peaceful New.
This page lists people personally assassinated by His hand or by His non-human agents; it is not entirely complete, however. It also does not include the vastly greater number of people which the Bible maintains were killed at His instruction, or in His name throughout recorded history.
 Old Testament killings by God
The God of the Old Testament had a very simple approach to education and law. In Genesis 9:1, God asked that Noah and his kin be "be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth." Frenzied reproduction was certainly a good idea when trying to avoid extinction at the hands of an angry and unpredictable God, who saw death as a suitable chastisement for just about anything.
|Fatalities||Crime||Method used||Biblical reference|
|20 million (estimated).||People being evil.||Drowning (yes, even the Plesiosaurs).||Genesis 6:8|
|The cities of Sodom and Gomorrah (population of Sodom estimated to be 600-1200, Gomorrah presumably would be similar).|| According to Genesis: Being evil and wanting to rape angels. Though one might wonder how this particular fantasy might be carried out.
According to Ezekiel (depending on translation): Being prideful (arrogant), overfed and unconcerned (having an abundance of idleness); neglecting the poor and needy; being haughty and committing abominations before God. Basically, having fun.
No mention of homosexuality.
|Burnt to death by a rain of burning sulfur.|| Genesis 19:4-5 |
Ezekiel 16:46-47 (specifically Ezekiel 16:49-50)
|Lot’s wife.||Pausing to look back at the spectacle of God's fiery wrath.||Transformed in to a pillar of salt.||Genesis 19:26|
|Er, the firstborn of Judah.||Being "wicked in the sight of the Lord"||Not specified||Genesis 38:7|
|Onan (Er’s brother and apparent inventor of onanism)||Disobeying God's orders to impregnate his dead brother's wife (or “spilling his seed”).||Not specified||Genesis 38:9-10 (unlucky family)|
|The firstborn of Egypt.||Being firstborn when God decided to show his strength. God hardened Pharaoh's heart so he refused to let the Israelites go. Psychotic and incompetent. What a combination.||The Angel of Death.||Exodus 12:29 (Rather tough on the kids who really had nothing to do with it.)|
|The Egyptian army.||Refusing to disobey orders to pursue the Israelites fleeing through the Red Sea, which was parted with walls of water on both sides of the path.||Drowned when the seawater returned.||Exodus 14:28|
|Nadab and Abihu, sons of Aaron.||Offering strange fire before the Lord.||Burnt to death||Leviticus 10:1-3 (God, being a perfectionist, does not tolerate mistakes during rituals.)|
|Undisclosed number of Israelites.||Having low morale||Fire||Numbers 11:1-3 (Counselling evidently was not an option)|
|Undisclosed number of Israelites.||Eating quails||Plague||Numbers 11:31-35|
|Ten scouts sent to explore the promised land||Spreading bad reports about this land containing giants, and being too difficult to conquer.||Plague||Numbers 14:36-38|
|Korah, Dathan, Abiram and their respective families.||Claiming to be as holy as Moses and Aaron.||The earth opened up and swallowed them - burying them alive.||Numbers 16:27-32, which implies the children were killed, but Numbers 26:11 states Korah's children survived.|
|250 Israelites.||Followers of Korah (see above)||Burnt to death by fire from God.||Numbers 16:35|
|14,700 Israelites.||Complaining about the previous two loving assassinations concerning Korah.||Plague||Numbers 16:49 (The management thanks you for your feedback. Now die!)|
|Undisclosed number of Israelites.||Despairing, and complaining about the quality of bread.||Being bitten to death by divinely summoned fiery serpents, although casting an idol of a snake and looking upon it would prevent them from dying.||Numbers 21:4-9 (Honestly, wouldn't it be cool just to try this to see it happen? C'mon, I dare ya...)|
|24,000 Israelites||Sexual immorality with Moabite women and worshiping Baal.||Plague.||Numbers 25:9 (Proving once more that despite God being obviously real and very jealous, Israelites would worship a sandwich if Moses so much as popped out to buy a newspaper.)|
|Undisclosed number of Ammorites||Waging war against Israel, trying to protect themselves and their families from the holy slaughter that the Israelites regularly inflicted on their enemies||Sending hailstones from Heaven||Joshua 10:10-11|
|Either 70 or 50,070 Israelites (dependent on how the inerrant Bible is translated).||Looking into the Ark of the Covenant (Like the ending of Indiana Jones: Raiders of The Lost Ark).||Not specified||1 Samuel 6:19 (You would have thought the 50,070th Israelite would have more sense than to climb a mountain of 50,069 bodies and look into a box)|
|Nabal.||David refrained from murdering Nabal's servants or stealing from him. He expected his kindness to be repaid in the form of gifts from Nabal, but Nabal declined. God killed Nabal before David had the chance to go "avenging thyself with thine own hand."||Not specified||1 Samuel 25:38 (This was quite convenient as David, an avid collector of wives, got to marry Nabal's wife who was quite hot.)|
|Uzzah.||Touching the Ark while trying to prevent it from tipping over.||Not specified.||2 Samuel 6:6-7 (No good deed goes unpunished.)|
|David and Bathsheba's baby boy.||None. The baby was killed in order to punish David.||Not specified||2 Samuel 12:14-18 (The life of a baby is sacred, as explained by Christians, but it's worth squat when God is angry with the parents.)|
|70,000 assorted Israelites||Inspired by either God, or perhaps Satan - the Bible is a tad unclear - David took a census of his lands and people.||Plague||2 Samuel 24:13 , despite being told to by God in 2 Samuel 24:1. (Unless you read 1 Chronicles 21:1, where the devil did it)|
|An unnamed prophet||The prophet had been told by God to not eat bread, but another guy claimed he too was a prophet, and that God had commanded him to bring the prophet home for some food.||Eaten by lions||1 Kings 13:1-24 (That’s what happens when you follow the advice of self-proclaimed prophets.)|
|Jeroboam's son.||None. Child killed to punish Jeroboam, to save him from a massacre God was planning for the rest of Jeroboam's family, and possibly also as a sign used to confirm a prophecy.||Not specified. Died in his mother's arms.||1 Kings 14:10-18 (God euthanizes a child to save him from the terrors of...His own wrath?)|
|An unnamed man||Refusal to strike a prophet when ordered to do so by the prophet in question.||Killed by a lion (God really enjoys using Lions in Kings).||1 Kings 20:35-36 (Weird or what?)|
|King Ahaziah||Seeking medical advice from a rival god, and Baal worship.||Died in bed while recovering from an earlier fall.||1 Kings 22:51 and 2 Kings 1:16 (Baal must have been pretty good to compete with a Yahweh: the God who would incinerate your children on a whim.)|
|102 soldiers||Being impolite to Elijah and serving King Ahziah.||Burnt to death.||2 Kings 1:9-12 (This verse is worth reading, since it's almost comical the way in which the soldiers queue up to be incinerated.)|
|42 youths.||They mocked Elisha's bald head.||No kidding - God sends 2 she-bears to maul them to death.||2 Kings 2:23-24 (Evidently there weren't any lions to hand).|
|Some foreigners.||Not worshiping God||Killed by lions||2 Kings 17:25-26 ("Death by lion" crops up with suspicious frequency. Did the author of Kings have some kind of lion-phobia?)|
|185,000 soldiers.||Being at war with Israel||Killed by the angel of the Lord while they slept.||2 Kings 19:35|
|Jeroboam.||Rebelling against Abijah, the king of Israel based on dependence from David.||Not specified||2 Chronicles 13:20|
|Jehoram.||Doing evil in the sight of the Lord.||Stricken by a disease that caused his bowels to fall out.||2 Chronicles 21:14-19 (Nasty way to go.)|
Since large numbers of people often end up as meaningless statistics, consider the rough guide below:
- 20 million - In the global flood this figure is just over the maximum estimated human population before agriculture. Approximately the current population of Australia. It would take about a decade for this many Americans to die of natural causes. Actually, absolute terms aren't useful for this one as it was near-enough 100% of the population - imagine 7 billion people being killed should God decided to pull this one again.
- 185,000 - Assyrian soldiers killed while sleeping. This is greater than the entire multi-national coalition force at the peak of the Iraq War - so imagine losing that entire force in their sleep in one night. By comparison, the bloodiest battle (on a single day) in modern history would be the first day of the Battle of the Somme, where 20,000 BEF troops were killed. 185,000 is also the equivalent of 9/11 every single day for two months.
- 70,000 - Assorted Israelites, incidentally the same number of people who claimed to be Jedi in the 2001 Australian census. This is approximately the athletics capacity of Wembley Stadium.
- 50,070 - Assuming the higher figure, this is not far off the capacity of Yankee Stadium. Sports stadiums are useful comparisons because they're areas where we have photographs of that many people in close proximity and you can see how many it represents.
- 24,000 - Slightly higher than the capacity of Madison Square Garden for pro wrestling.
Of course, many of these numbers do pale next to what humans do to each other, and what the planet itself has thrown at us, but it is really the motives (or lack of) that should be truly shocking. Remember God loves you!
 New Testament killings by God
God of the New Testament appears to have had a rather drastic change in personality, resulting in far fewer deity-induced deaths than seen in the Old Testament. On the other hand, the New Testament is a smaller anthology covering a much shorter time period, and makes up for it with fucking Revelation.
|Fatalities||Crime||Method used||Biblical reference|
|Ananias and Sapphira||Lying (Offering the money they got from selling some land but secretly withholding some, in an attempt to save money while becoming well respected.)||First one and then the other fell dead at Peter's feet when he questioned them. Possibly a divine heart attack. Seems like god has been watching Death Note, or something.||Acts 5:1-10|
|Herod||Failure to praise God||Struck down by an angel and eaten by worms.||Acts 12:23 (Perhaps a potential concern for much of the human race.)|
|(Prophesied future killings) Indeterminate amount, at least all living non-Christians and "Not Good Enough" Christians||Not worshiping God, or following the Beast instead of God. Or simply being in the way.||Various||Detailed in the passages where God sends four horsemen (Revelation 6:1-7), commands the angels to sound seven trumpets (Revelation 8:7-11:15), commands the angels to unleash seven plagues (Revelation 16:2-17). Finally the Great Beast, his False Prophet and all non-saved are cast into a Lake of Fire.|
|(More Prophesied Future Killings) Indeterminate amount, stated as "Like the sand on the beach"||Being part of Satan's last Army||Fire from Heaven||Revelation 20:8-9|
 Mysterious ways
|For it is so written in|
Despite the obvious dickery above, it's quite easy for the usual theological excuse to be trotted out to explain it: God works in mysterious ways. It could be phrased slightly differently, but the general premise is that humans are inferior beings and have no right to question God's acts. This is often a satisfactory answer for the doublethink required when trying to meld God's stated actions with His stated Commandments, but remains intellectually problematic when carried out to its logical conclusions. Consider the following neatly laid out set of points that you must think to accept the "mysterious ways" argument:
- Morality comes from God and God alone.
- This seems obvious, but it is essential in order for God to be the source of morality. Otherwise morality is actually higher power than even God, and God is reduced to being a messenger. If reduced to being a messenger, God ceases to be a supreme authority and is effectively removed as a requirement to be moral, becoming a redundant entity in people's lives. Naturally, theism as it is doesn't want this idea, so God must be the source of morality. Any violation of this concept must be detrimental.
- God's actions are therefore a reflection of the preached morality.
- If this wasn't true we'd violate the first premise here. Ignoring, for a moment, the tautology of "God is Good, and Good is to be like God," if God's behaviour and character didn't reflect the preached moral standards then these standards must be external to God.
- Any violations of God's commandments by God are just Him working in his mysterious ways.
- I.e., an action (such as killing) is "immoral" if performed by man, but "moral" if performed by God. It challenges us to know the mind of God in explaining discrepancies in practising what the Almighty preaches. (The contradiction that people say this on the one hand and then, with absolute certainty, declare God to be good, loving and caring on the other hand shouldn't need pointed out.)
However, the problem lies in the fact that third point violates the second pretty obviously. The justification is just some sort of "appeal to audacity" if such a fallacy exists. If we can judge God to be inconsistent with and within his own morality then he is not a reflection of that morality (point 2, which follows neatly from the essential point 2) and so that morality must be external to him. With this the first point is thrown out of the window and we're back to a case where a morality derived from God is either a) non-existent or b) arbitrary and meaningless.
The obvious response to this is to say that God is allowed to do this, because within his morality God is simply allowed to violate it himself. This is perhaps worse, as it is effectively forming the tautology that "God is Good, and Good is to be like God" - including suitable escape hatches for God to do whatever he wants. This conveys no special information, it is like saying "<insert name here> is Good, and Good is to be like <insert name here>." It is useless, and it is arbitrary.
 How many people will die at the Battle of Armageddon?
“”The angel swung his sickle on the earth, gathered its grapes and threw them into the great winepress of God's wrath. They were trampled in the winepress outside the city, and blood flowed out of the press, rising as high as the horses' bridles for a distance of 1,600 stadia.
Let's assume that 1600 stadia (320 kilometres/320,000metres) is the diameter of the lake of blood. Therefore the radius is 800 stadia or 160km. Let's also assume assume that a horse's bridle is approximately 1.5 metres from the ground, giving us its depth.
We can then calculate the volume of blood using the formula: V = ∏r2.. Using biblical value of ∏ = 3 we get the formula:
1 cubic metre = 1000 litres
25600000000 × 1000 = 115200000000000
If we divide this number by the average amount of blood in a human body, 5.5 litres:
So we find that according to scripture, at a bare minimum according to one interpretation, God will kill approximately 20,945,454,545,500 people. That's in the trillions.
However, since it says flows and not pools, it wouldn't be unreasonable to think that a river was formed. Assuming they measured the the blood-flow using actual horses, and a horse is 1 metre across.
480,000 x 1000 = 480,000,000
480,000,000 / 5.5 = 87,272,727
So, in another interpretation, God will kill a minimum of 87,272,727 to produce a horse bridle high blood-flow.
 See also
- Actions which demand the death penalty in the Old Testament
- Examples of Satan personally killing people
- God's Love
- Divine retribution
- Problem of evil
- Friedrich Nietzsche - an example of a person personally killing God.
- Skeptic's Annotated Bible - the maker has a book devoted to this very subject
- ↑ No comment yet from the Angels, who are being reduced to the messengers of the messenger.