Flying Spaghetti Monster
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The Flying Spaghetti Monster, or the FSM for those too lazy to type out His whole name, is the obvious source of all Order, Logic, and Morality in the universe, the above being easily apparent to those who have been touched by His noodly and nudely appendage.
Followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster previously called themselves "Pirates", but as the term and piracy were picked on by outsiders, followers have opted for "Pastafarians".
 Creation of the universe
"On the seventh day of floating around infinite nothingness, after six days of rest, the FSM said, 'Let there be a Universe, or something!' And there was a Universe, or something not terribly far off. And the FSM saw that it was pretty damn good, especially the bits with a light sauce."
 Beginnings of Pastafarianism
The official beginnings of Pastafarianism start many years ago with a young lad named Mosey, who was short on cash. Mosey managed to get a job as a short-order cook for a horrible man named Phil, claiming to be able to cook "the best papyrus this side of the Euphrates". True to his words, he did, and Mosey gave his occupation his all. But after many months of backbreaking work and tired of mistreatment, he marched into Phil's office, thew down his apron, and said, "I'm tired of the nine to five, I'm qitting to be a pirate!"
This courageous deed captured the FSM's attention and He carefully kept track of Mosey. After a few years had passed, with Phil remaining his terrible self, He had grown tired of Phil's continued mistreatment of the other cooks. The FSM found Mosey, camping in the desert with plans for a massive pirate ship, and appeared to him in a burnt roasted marshmallow. The Floating Spaghetti Monster, in His wisdom, commanded Mosey to return to his restaurant and free the other cooks from their toil. With His guidance, Mosey succeeded in freeing Phil's entire staff and giving his restraunt a scathing review, after which here was much rejoicing. Although not the first to see Him, it was with that vision Mosey, soon to be pirate, became the first true Pastafarian.
The wonderous can opener is said to be "revealation" (which is actually the correct spelling of "revelation") after it released His Great Noodliness from imprisonment inside a sturdy tin-can. At first it was a challenge to take flight, but with all the cats hanging around and licking their chops (because they heard the sound of a tin can opening) the Flying Spaghetti Monster was keenly motivated to persevere and take flight in less time than it takes to say "Invisible Pink Unicorn."
After Mosey became the first noble pirate, pirates were seen as revered and respected holy men. However, people began to dislike and even kill pirates, nearly wiping them off the planet. What started this hatred is unknown, as the original buccaneers were a peaceful group, often seen distributing candy and cookies to children. Thereafter, however, the pirates were (falsely) branded as murderers, thieves, and drunks, of which only the last applied.
As all Pastafarians and rational thinkers know, as the number of pirates decreases, the average temperature of the ocean increases. This is obvious fact. Somalia, as a leader in the community of nations, is nobly attempting to reduce global warming by increasing the number of pirates, though this is met with unfounded ire from other nations. On a city-by-city basis, Pittsburgh, PA, with their Pirates, Tampa, FL, with their Buccaneers, and various other colleges and high schools are also attempting to reduce global warming. By contrast, a despicable Lincolnshire council in the UK seeks to raise world temperatures by preventing even pirate flags from being displayed.  Furthermore, a student in North Carolina suffered discrimination when suspended for wearing a pirate costume in accordance with his Pastafarian religious obligation. 
Heaven for Pastafarians is generally accepted to be a wild land containing beer volcanoes and a stripper factory. In His wisdom, the FSM allowed the beer volcano to serve other beverages, should you wish. Some, doubting the FSM, wonder just how "heavenly" this is for the poor strippers, doomed to grind their way to eternity. One possible solution is that the strippers are, actually, utterly realistic animatrons of both sexes and a very extensive range of sexual orientations. This has been, in turn, seen as a way to increase the appeal to Pastafarians of both sexes and a very extensive range of sexual orientations. Another solution (and far more tradtional) is that they are whatever you wish them to be and not actually real people. This has the plus side that you don't accidentally see the stripper guy's balls in the booth next to yours. The FSM has yet to speak conclusively on this intriguing matter.
Those who, through either ingnorance or stupidity, neglect and forsake the Flying Spaghetti Monster, go to Hell. There are many different opinions as to what Pastafarian hell is like. Some believe it is a giant freezer where people are doomed to suffer freeze burns and frostbite for all eternity. Others believe it looks similar to Pastafarian heaven, but with instruments of torture. However, the prevailing and traditional view of Hell as defined by the gospel of the FSM is that it, like Heaven, has a beer volcano and stripper factory. The difference being that the beer is warm and stale, the strippers have STD's, and there are penguins everywhere.
 Eight Commandments ("I'd really rather you didn't"s)
Pastafarians believe that the Great Captain Mosey was given ten stone tablets with various commandments on them, called the Ten "I'd really rather you didn't"s. Captain Mosey brought them down from Mount Salsa, however, due to him having one (or five) too many swigs of grog, he accidentally dropped two of them. The following was what was on the other eight tablets.
1. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Act Like A Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don’t Believe In Me, That’s Okay. Really, I’m Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn’t About Them So Don’t Change The Subject.
2. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don’t Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
3. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This Through You Thick Heads: Woman=Person, Man=Person. Samey-Samey. One is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We’re Talking About Fashion And I’m Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal And Fuchsia.
4. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go F*** Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off The TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
5. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.
6. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Build Multi-Million-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick): A. Ending Poverty B. Curing Diseases C. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable. I Might Be A Complex Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM The Creator.
7. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Go around Telling People I Talk To you. You’re Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can’t You Take A Hint?
8. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses Alot Of Leather/Lubrication/Las Vegas. If The Other Person Is Into It However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures. And For The Love Of Me, Wear A CONDOM! Honestly It’s A Piece Of Rubber, If I Didn’t Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.
- Bobby Henderson
- (silence) (his name is literally nothing)
- Edward Teach (Blackbeard)
- Ishmali Camuwundra (considered by some to be a saint, however it is debatable)
- Society of Vegetarian Alternatives (An order of men called the Vegetists who take a strict vow of vegetarianism and live simple pious lives devoid of meatballs and reside in the Priory of Pesto somewhere in remote Italy.)
- The Anti-Pasta (not to be confused with antipasti, which is what Italians call appetizers, which of course is the stuff you eat before you eat pasta)
- 888 (The number of the pasta. Some scholars think that this is a mystical reference to the coveted gold pieces-of-eight sought by saintly pirates. Other scholars think something else)
 End times
The FSM will conquer The Anti-Pasta in the Battle of Alfredo and cast him and his followers into the Eternal Fetid Dempsey-Dumpster out behind the stripper factory where there will be weeping and frequent raccoon raids.
 Pastafarian holidays
Pastafarians celebrate more than usual on these occasions:
- 19 September - International Talk Like a Pirate Day
- Every Friday, especially Friday the 13th
- 25 December - Holiday
 Pastafarian Doctrine
The Pastafarians doctrine is called the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the infallible word of the FSM.
Though there is no specific Pastafarian religious tradition, the prophet Ragu gave the following as a prayer:
Our Pasta, Who "Arghh" in the colander, Swallowed be thy sauce. Thy serving come, Thy food be yum, On forks as they are on spoons. Give us our daily sauce, And forgive our mess, As we forgive those who mess against us. And lead us not into Hell, But deliver us some pizza, For thine is the noodles, the sauce and the meatballs. R'Amen
 See also
- Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster website:
- Official website for Talk Like a Pirate Day
- Holy Spaghetti Sauce What's spaghetti without sauce?
- Lumber Cartel - Glossary entry on The Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM)