Flying Spaghetti Monster
|One of many articles on|
|The main players|
The Flying Spaghetti Monster (also known as the Ancient of Noodles, the FSM for those too lazy to type out His whole name), is the obvious source of all Order, Logic, and Morality in the Universe, the above being easily apparent to those who have been Touched by His
nudely noodly appendage. Followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster previously called themselves "Pirates", but as the term and piracy were picked on by outsiders, His followers have opted for "Pastafarians".
Some atheist pinko commie scientists think that the glorious Gravitation of the Earth can be explained without the Pastafarian doctrine of Intelligent falling. But people like us know they're wrong, right? Right?! The Universe would surely fall apart unless the FSM used his appendages to lovingly hold everything together! It says so in the Gospel of the FSM, so it must be true. We are proud to say that We have been Touched by the Monster, and as an encyclopedia we urge you to tell others about your Touchedness.
 Pastafarian doctrine
“”Are other [beliefs] wrong? No[,] they are just misguided.
|—The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster|
The Pastafarians doctrine is called the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the infallible word of the FSM.
 Creation of the universe
“”On the seventh day of floating around infinite nothingness, after six days of rest, the FSM said, 'Let there be a Universe, or something!' And there was a Universe, or something not terribly far off. And the FSM saw that it was pretty damn good, especially the bits with a light sauce.
|—the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster|
 Beginnings of Pastafarianism
The official beginnings of Pastafarianism start many years ago with a young lad named Mosey, who was short on cash. Mosey managed to get a job as a short-order cook for a horrible man named Phil, claiming to be able to cook "the best papyrus this side of the Euphrates". True to his words, he did, and Mosey gave his occupation his all. But after many months of backbreaking work and tired of mistreatment, he marched into Phil's office, threw down his apron, and said, "I'm tired of the nine to five, I'm quitting to be a pirate!"
This courageous deed captured the FSM's attention and He carefully kept track of Mosey. After a few years had passed, with Phil remaining his terrible self, He had grown tired of Phil's continued mistreatment of the other cooks. The FSM found Mosey, camping in the desert with plans for a massive pirate ship, and appeared to him in a burnt roasted marshmallow. The Floating Spaghetti Monster, in His wisdom, commanded Mosey to return to his restaurant and free the other cooks from their toil. With His guidance, Mosey succeeded in freeing Phil's entire staff and giving his restaurant a scathing review, after which here was much rejoicing. Although not the first to see Him, it was with that vision Mosey, soon to be pirate, became the first true Pastafarian.
From then on Mosey became the Great Prophet Mosey.
The wonderous can opener is said to be "revealation" (which is actually the correct spelling of "revelation")[citation NOT needed] after it released His Great Noodliness from imprisonment inside a sturdy tin-can. At first it was a challenge to take flight, but with all the cats hanging around and licking their chops (because they heard the sound of a tin can opening) the Flying Spaghetti Monster was keenly motivated to persevere and take flight in less time than it takes to say "Invisible Pink Unicorn."
- 888 (The number of the pasta. Some scholars think that this is a mystical reference to the coveted gold pieces-of-eight sought by saintly pirates. Other scholars think something else)
- The colander is optionally worn as a symbol of His Great Noodliness.
 End times
The FSM will conquer The Anti-Pasta in the Battle of Alfredo and cast him and his followers into the Eternal Fetid Dempsey-Dumpster out behind the stripper factory where there will be weeping and frequent raccoon raids.
Being pirates, Pastafarians obviously cannot stop partying. That said, Pastafarians celebrate more than usual on these occasions:
- Every Friday, especially Friday the 13th Unlike the deceitful Christian God, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was honest and admitted to resting for 3 days after popping out the universe in just 4. As such, His Noodliness decided that Friday, Saturday, and Sunday should be days of rest, especially Friday, which is for drinking alcohol and engaging in delights of the flesh.
- 19 September: International Talk Like a Pirate Day On this day, the Flying Spaghetti Monster blesses everyone that talks piratical, whether Pastafarians or not. Obviously, to fail to talk like a pirate incurs terrifying horrors, the worst of which involve wet fish and a -888 penalty to all fortitude saving throws.
- 25 December: Holiday, also known as FSMas.
There are many different versions of the Our Pasta prayer. Through dark magic, we've managed to make the specific parts of this prayer randomly cycle through these variations.
Who art on our plates,
Swallowed be thy meatballs.
Thy noodle come,
Thy sauce be yum,
In restaurants, as it is in kitchens.
Give us this day our daily pasta,
And forgive our messes,
As we forgive those who mess against us.
And lead us not into low-carb diets,
But deliver us some pizza,
For thine is the meatball, the noodle, and the sauce
For ever and ever.
The FSM has two destinations for people after death, sending the reasonably good to the Great Pasta Bowl and the kitteh huffers and masturbtrz to Hell.
Heaven the Great Pasta Bowl
The Great Pasta Bowl for Pastafarians is generally accepted to be a wild land containing beer volcanoes and a stripper factory. In His wisdom, the FSM allowed the beer volcano to serve other beverages, should you wish. Some, doubting the FSM, wonder just how "heavenly" this is for the poor strippers, doomed to grind their way to eternity. One possible solution is that the strippers are, actually, utterly realistic animatrons of both sexes and a very extensive range of sexual orientations. This has been, in turn, seen as a way to increase the appeal to Pastafarians of both sexes and a very extensive range of sexual orientations. Another solution (and far more traditional) is that they are whatever you wish them to be and not actually real people. This has the plus side that you don't accidentally see the stripper guy's balls in the booth next to yours. The FSM has yet to speak conclusively on this intriguing matter.
It is generally accepted that the Flying Spaghetti Monster provides each believer whatever afterlife would please that person most.
Hell the Freezer of Doom
Those who, through either ingnorance or stupidity, neglect and forsake the Flying Spaghetti Monster, go to Hell. There are many different opinions as to what Pastafarian hell is like. Some believe it is a giant freezer where people are doomed to suffer freeze burns and frostbite for all eternity. Others believe it looks similar to Pastafarian heaven, but with instruments of torture. However, the prevailing and traditional view of Hell as defined by the gospel of the FSM is that it, like Heaven, has a beer volcano and stripper factory. The difference being that the beer is warm and stale, the strippers have STD's, and there are penguins everywhere.
 Eight Commandments ("I'd really rather you didn't"s)
Pastafarians believe that the Great Captain Mosey was given ten stone tablets with various commandments on them, called the Ten "I'd really rather you didn't"s. Captain Mosey brought them down from Mount Salsa, however, due to him having one (or five) too many swigs of grog, he accidentally dropped two of them. The following was what was on the other eight tablets.
1. I’d Really rather you didn’t act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don’t believe in me, that’s okay. Really, I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject.
2. I’d Really rather you didn’t use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don’t require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I’d Really rather you didn’t judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this through you thick heads: woman=person, man=person. Samey-samey. One is not better than the other, unless we’re talking about fashion and I’m sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I’d Really rather you didn’t indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age and mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go fuck yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I’d Really rather you didn’t challenge the bigoted, misogynist, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bullshit.
6. I’d Really rather you didn’t build multi-million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick): a. Ending poverty b. Curing diseases c. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable. I might be a complex carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I am the creator.
7. I’d Really rather you didn’t go around telling people I talk to you. You’re not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?
8. I’d Really rather you didn’t do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubrication/las vegas. If the other person is into it however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures. And for the love of me, wear a condom! Honestly it’s a piece of rubber, if I didn’t want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
After Mosey became the first noble pirate, pirates were seen as revered and respected holy men. However, people began to dislike and even kill pirates, nearly wiping them off the planet. What started this hatred is unknown, as the original buccaneers were a peaceful group, often seen distributing candy and cookies to children. Thereafter, however, the pirates were (falsely) branded as murderers, thieves, and drunks, of which only the last applied.
As all Pastafarians and rational thinkers know, as the number of pirates decreases, the average temperature of the ocean increases. This is obvious fact. Somalia, as a leader in the community of nations, is nobly attempting to reduce global warming by increasing the number of pirates, though this is met with unfounded ire from other nations. On a city-by-city basis, Pittsburgh, PA, with their Pirates, Tampa, FL, with their Buccaneers, and various other colleges and high schools are also attempting to reduce global warming. As well, the city of Seattle, WA aids the cause with an entire "Seafair" festival, whereby the notable Seafair Pirates gallivant throughout the city (though mostly near bodies of water) distributing candy to children, in a throwback to the golden early years of pirates. By contrast, a despicable Lincolnshire council in the UK seeks to raise world temperatures by preventing even pirate flags from being displayed.  Furthermore, a student in North Carolina suffered discrimination when suspended for wearing a pirate costume in accordance with his Pastafarian religious obligation. 
The Pastafarian gesture, though mainly ritualistic, remains the most powerful yet passive means by which the faithful may deflect the evil influence of science and logic. When confronted by a challenger to the faith, a correctly-executed genuflection will weaken the attacker's resolve to the point that they are obliged to give up their side of the argument and run away.
Pastafarian genuflection has four steps:
- Bow thy head
- Close thy eyes
- Place thy hands firmly over thy ears.
- Sing "Lalalalala!" until thy throat is hoarse.
 Sacred alcoholic-consumption ritual
The Flying Spaghetti Monster demands a sacred ritual be performed whenever his holy spirits (beer, wine, rum) are consumed. This ritual has three steps:
- Raise your glass in the air
- Touch your glass with the glasses of your fellows
- Heartily praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster with a resounding "ARRRRRR" (or variant)
 Notable people
- Bobby Henderson
- (silence) (his name is literally nothing)
- Edward Teach (Blackbeard)
- Ishmali Camuwundra (considered by some to be a saint, however it is debatable)
- Society of Vegetarian Alternatives (An order of men called the Vegetists who take a strict vow of vegetarianism and live simple pious lives devoid of meatballs and reside in the Priory of Pesto somewhere in remote Italy.)
- The Anti-Pasta (not to be confused with antipasti, which is what Italians call appetizers, which of course is the stuff you eat before you eat pasta)
- Russian religious zealots and cops, apparently
- The terminally humorless, especially if they belong to a state school board 
“”“I have my own church - I am the greatest religious figure, even greater than Jesus Christ!
|—Tamia on the Church of Tamia|
The "Flying SpaghettiO's Monster is a parody of the true Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Flying SpaghettiO's Monster has a monstrously deformed body, with no noodly appendages, which makes it entirely impossible for the Flying SpaghettiO's monster to fulfill the requirements of Intelligent Falling, which, in turn, makes it entirely impossible for the Flying SpaghettiO's monster to exist. The Flying SpaghettiO's Monster is promoted by singer-songwriter "Tamia[wp]", who seeks to destroy the Holy Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.[citation NOT needed]
 See also
- Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster website:
- Additional information and reasearch about Pastafarianism and the Flying Spaghetti Monster
- Holy Spaghetti Sauce What's spaghetti without sauce?
- Lumber Cartel - Glossary entry on The Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM)
- The Flying Spaghetti Monster's Wikia
- ↑  Austrian Wins Right To Wear Pasta Strainer In Driver’s License
- ↑  Texas Pastafarian Wins Battle At DMV, Becomes First In U.S. To Wear Colander In License Photo
- ↑  Pastafarian politician takes oath of office wearing colander on his head
- ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://www.venganza.org/2014/12/happy-holidays/
- ↑ http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html
- ↑ Putting Spaghetti back in the Holidays
- ↑ Stripper factory: necessary for FSM to make its point?
- ↑ Council apologises to Tattershall boy over pirate flag
- ↑ Student punished for spaghetti beliefs
- ↑ First they began gunning for The Gays, now religious Russian zealots are attacking … Pastafarians. The Freethinker
- ↑ i.e., one K*th* M*rt*n on Kansas School Board Responses to the Open Letter, FSM web site
- ↑ 12.0 12.1 Uncyclopedia on the Church of Tamia