Football is a manly sport for real men. Men who don't like football are panzies. Football is played by normal people who are too smart to play panzy-ball. Football lets you injure small people and get away with it. Especially if you're big.
 Why it is crappy
Football is like rugby, only with
body armor shoulder pads, helmets, press agents and a rest every 20 seconds. Pedicures are not uncommon.
 More reasons it sucks
Despite being called "football", the ball actually comes into contact with the feet of the players very rarely, mostly being carried or thrown. A professional American football "team" actually consists of at least two different teams (defensive and offensive - very offensive), as well as enough specialist players to make up a third team. These teams are switched out constantly throughout the game, creating considerable confusion amongst spectators. The ceaseless traffic of players on and off the field of play means the game proceeds in extremely staccato bursts, with micro-moments of action interspersed with minutes of extreme boredom for all involved. Commentators attempt to fill these minutes with obscure, heavily statistic-laden jabbering, while television fills them with expensive advertising.
 While it sucks, here's something worse
The boredom of this game is in stark contrast to the overwhelming explosiveness of that other pastime, which has thrilling nil-nil scores and, if one is lucky, can even end in the incredible, cardiac-arrest-inducing excitement of a possession-oriented draw.
 Even more stupid things about the game
Football players are referred to as "athletes", but very little athleticism is involved in the sport. Players stroll on the field, dressed in enough padding to ensure their survival in rare occasions where a tornado picks up the stadium, and transports it to Antarctica. This has happened only twice in the history of the sport. They then proceed to line up, and run two
metres yards down the pitch where they collide messily with a member of the opposite team. The process is then repeated after a five minute break. After half a dozen repetitions, the ball is handed to the opposite team and play proceeds in the opposite direction.
 Another reason it is stupid
Tactics play an important part in American football. Every team has a hundred or so coaches who are employed to come up with so-called "plays" which all amount to running two
metres yards up the field and colliding messily with a member of the opposite team. These coaches, together with the thousand or so players on a team contribute considerably towards full employment in the United States.
 Football is bad for football players
A disproportionately high number of NFL players who play for more than five seasons don't live to see their sixtieth birthdays. Many others develop mental problems like dementia and/or memory loss. Others develop neurological problems like Parkinson's disease. Concussions during games are common.
American football is one of the most injury-prone team sports. One of the most famous injuries occurred on 18 November 1985. Washington Redskins quarterback Joe Theismann received a career-ending compound fracture of the right tibia and fibula when New York Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor tackled Theismann from behind and rolled over the back of his lower leg.
 It also fucks up schools
For reasons it is difficult for rational people to fathom, high school football programs are very popular in America. This worship of the "sport" and its players creates some ugly scenes in U.S. high schools. Football-induced bullshit also occurs at the university level, where coaches can command seven figure salaries and one can grow to wonder whether the university has an affiliated football program or the football program has an affiliated university.
 See also
 References, notes, and random snark
- ↑ American football mimics war in this manner
- ↑ George Will once said that football combines the two worst aspects of American culture: It's violence punctuated by committee meetings.
- ↑ This ESPN video of Theismann's injury is not only NSFW, it is also NOT for the squeamish. At 0:54, you can clearly see his right leg bend almost 90 degrees about halfway between the knee and ankle.
- ↑ P.Z. has the goods.