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 Andrew Schlafly, Fresh Prince of Conservapedia
Now this is a story all about how
The tubes got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how started Conservapedia, bane of liberals everywhere.
In West Illinois, born and raised
At my homeschool was where I spent most of my days
Indoctrinatin', proselytisin', evangelisin' all cool
And generally actin a bit of a tool
When a couple of liberals they were up to no good
Started opposin' prayer in my neighborhood
When my brother went gay, my mom said don't let him lead ya
"You're movin' out with ED and TK to start Conservapedia!"
I whistled for some help and when it came near
It was a damn huge cruiser with Karajou sittin there
I knew the ship was trustworthy, he wouldn't deceive ya
So I yelled out, "Yo Kara welcome home to Conservapedia!"
I'd picked all my admins by about 7 or 8
And I yelled to Wikipedi 'yo holmes smell ya later'
Looked at my kingdom, you know I'll never leave ya
I'll sit on my throne, the king of Conservapedia.
- In the year of His Lord
- two thousand and six
- Andy chose wikis
- over other men's dicks
- He furiously typed
- and groom-ed his flock
- one hand on the keyboard
- the other, his
- And as he descended
- into madness and fear
- his delusions of grandeur
- kept his enemies near
- For enemies near
- are enemies known
- though socks are a bother
- he feels not alone
- but alone he is
- in his tin-foil hat world
- his libido tied down
- his freak flag still furled.
- till the end of his days
- he'll remain wound up tight
- his blog long forgotten
- obscurity his plight.
The Haly Sysop's Prayer (Scots-English Dictionary)
- O ye that in CP dis dwall,
- That, as it pleases best yersel,
- Maks ane a Sysop an sends ten tae hell
- Aw for Thy glory,
- An no for onie guid or ill
- They've duin afore ye!
- A bliss an ruise yer matchless micht,
- Whan thoosands ye shut oot at nicht,
- That A am here afore yer sicht,
- For gifts an grace
- A get tae write an lat licht
- Tae aw this place.
- What wis A, or ma generation,
- That A shoud get sic exaltation?
- A, that deserved maist juist damnation
- For brakken laws
- Sax thoosand year ere ma creation,
- Throu Aidam's cause!
- Whan frae Wikipedia A fell,
- Ye micht hae plunged me deep in hell
- Tae gnash my goums, an weep, an wail
- Acause o blocks,
- Whaur damned leeberals roars an yells,
- Chyned tae their socks.
- Yet A am here, a waled sample,
- Tae shaw yer grace is great an ample:
- A'm here a pillar o yer temple,
- Strang as a rock,
- A guide, a buckler, an example
- Tae aw yer flock!
- But yet O Laird confess I maun:
- At times A'm fashed wi mense fou grawn;
- An whiles, an aw, it gets me gaun,
- Vile leeb'ral thochts gets in;
- But ye mynd we are but brawn,
- Defiled wi sin.
- O Laird! yestreen, Ye ken, bi fegs! --
- Yer pardon A sincerely begs --
- A fund an edit tae be made
- Tae ma dishonour!
- An a finger A'll lift ne'er
- Tae dae a keybuird sair.
- Asides, A faurer maun avou --
- Wrate Leeb'ral airticles, three times, A trew --
- But, Laird, that Friday A wis fou,
- Whan A did dite anew,
- Or ense, Ye ken, yer servand true
- Wad niver duin't athoot the brew.
- Aiblins ye'll lat this fleshly thorn
- Buffet yer servand e'en an morn,
- Lest he ower prood an heich shoud turn
- That he's sae giftit:
- If sae, yer haund maun e'en be borne
- Tae see he's blockit.
- Laird, bliss yer chuisen in this place,
- For here ye hae a chuisen race!
- But Laird confoond their stubborn face
- An blast their name,
- That brings yer sysops tae disgrace
- An open shame!
- Laird, mynd Ice Wedge's deserts:
- He drinks, an sweirs, an plays at cairts,
- Yet haes sae monie takkin airts
- Wi great an smaw,
- Frae God's ain Priest the fowk's herts
- He stowes awa.
- An whan we chastent him therefore,
- Ye ken hou he bred sic a splore,
- An set CP in sic a roar
- O lauchin at us:
- Curse ye his basket an his store,
- O antrin proxies!
- Laird, hear ma earnest cry an prayer
- Again that Presbyt'ry o het air!
- Thon Rationalwiki, Laird, mak it bare
- Upo their heids!
- Laird, veesit them, an dinna spare,
- For their misdeeds!
- O Laird, ma God! that glib-tongued taiken,
- Ma vera hert an flesh is quakin
- Tae think hou we stuid sweitin, shakin,
- An pished wi dreid,
- While he, wi socks a-snakin,
- Held up his heid.
- Laird, in yer day o vengeance try him!
- Laird, veesit him that did employ him!
- An passna in yer mercy by them,
- Nor hear their prayer,
- But for yer sysops' sake destroy them,
- An dinna spare!
- But, Laird, mynd auld me an mine
- Wi mercies temporal an divine,
- That A for grace an gear micht shine
- Excelled by nane;
- An aw the glory shall be yer ain --
- Amen, Amen!
- There once was a pervert named Schlafly
- Who treated his gerbil most roughly
- It chewed through the string
- He had tied to his thing
- And now he sings soprano less gruffly
ħuman 19:50, 22 February 2009 (EST)
 The Schlafly's Prayer
- Our Schlafly, which art insane.
- Valid be thy Username.
- Thy admins come,
- Thy will be done, in mainspace as it is in talk pages.
- Give us this day our infinite block,
- And forgive us our talk talk talk, as we forgive those who violate 90/10.
- And lead us not into liberal deceit,
- But deliver us from experts.
- For thine is the Conservapedia, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.