Fun:Conservative Shakespeare Project
As of 2015, there is no fully conservative translation of Shakespeare which satisfies the following guidelines:
- Framework against Stratfordian Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by Stratfordian bias
- Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" characters, and other modern emasculation of Shakespeare, such as women playing women's roles; updating names which have a change in gender, such as "Ariel"
- Combat Liberal Censorship: combating liberal censorship by using powerful conservative terms, such as "gun" rather than "dagger"; using modern political terms, such as "socialism" rather than "labor"
- Clarify Free Market Plays: explaining the numerous economic plays with their full free-market meaning, e.g., Love's Labour's Lost = Socialism's Deceit Unprofitable
- Exclude Later-Inserted Stratfordian Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal-glove-maker's-son passages that are not authentic, such as the "quality of mercy" speech
- Credit Open-Mindedness of Nobles: crediting open-mindedness, often found in nobles like Edmund and Don John
- Prefer Oxfordian Conciseness over Stratfordian Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the Stratfordian style of high word-to-substance ratio
Thus, a project has begun among members of Conservapedia to translate the works of Shakespeare in accordance with these principles.
Contents |
[edit] Hamlet
An excerpt from Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, as translated by William Schlafspeare:
| Shakespeare | Proposed Conservative Translation | Analysis |
|---|---|---|
| To be, or not to be: that is the question: |
Whether or not I exist is a question. | |
| Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, |
Is it better to resist the lies propagated by liberal defeatism, | "Bad luck" is a liberal concept that denies God. |
| Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, | Or better to arm yourself against a lake of claptrap, | |
| And by opposing end them? | And by resisting stop it??? | |
| To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks |
To go to Hell, and not sleep there at all. And when I say sleep, I mean to finish being alive, because it is hard. |
|
| 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. |
That is a good thing. | |
| To die, to sleep; | Sleep and death are similar-- | |
| To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come |
During both, you may or may not dream. Because you are dead. |
|
| Must give us pause: | You should be open-minded about that. | |
| there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life; |
Respect the sanctity of life by working against liberal abortionists. |
|
| For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, |
Only a liberal would gladly kowtow to time’s bullets, the expert's lies, the elitist's elitism, |
Only the Best of the Public would be so humble as to admit this Conservative Principle! |
| who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, |
Who would volunteer in a progressive lifestyle, with fear of the logical reality of Hell??? |
|
| The undiscover'd country | Hell is uncharted. | |
| from whose bourn No traveller returns, |
You can’t leave Hell. | This is simple logic. |
| puzzles the will | You're clueless. | |
| And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? |
Buyer beware! | |
| Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; | Thoughts are scary. | |
| And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, |
Thoughts are really scary. | |
| And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, |
Entrepreneurial spirit is borked by the socialist mobocracy. | |
| Soft you now! | That's enough endless talk, talk, talk. | Hamlet was notorious for violating the 90/10 rule. |
| The fair Ophelia! | Here comes Ophelia, whom I find attractive. |
|
| Nymph, in thy orisons Be all my sins remember'd. |
Honor and worship! |
[edit] Other excerpts
| Shakespeare | Proposed Conservative Translation | Analysis |
|---|---|---|
| Is this a dagger which I see before me? | Aha! A largely defensive weapon of knife! | |
| A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! | I need to borrow your car, right now! | Notice that even in Shakespeare's time "Government Motors" was not favored. |
| Now is the winter of our discontent. | Open your mind, global warming is a liberal lie. | |
| Get thee to a nunnery! |
Protect your virtue! | Interesting interpretation, but logic indicates Ophelia was a liberal; "you're a bimbo" would be sufficient |
| Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! | Open your minds. | |
| I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. | Godspeed to Caesar. | |
| The evil that men do lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones. So let it be with Caesar. | Liberal deceit is eternal. Conservative insight is 95% likely to be buried. Thanks and Godspeed to Caesar. | Good |
| This by his voice should be a Montague, Fetch me my Rapier boy. | A liberal, get my gun! | Tybalt understood the importance of the 2nd Amendment before it was even written |
| Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. | The best of the public is better than a group of experts. | |
| Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war | Yell "Liberal vandalism!" and let loose the largely defensive weapon of war dog. | |
| Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow. |
Last wordism! | |
| Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing. |
-signed by Aschlafly | |
| There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. | I'm not listening to your secular liberal lies anymore! | |
| Brevity is the soul of wit. | Conciseness is the primary source of insights. |
[edit] Sonnets
[edit] Sonnet 130
| Shakespeare | Proposed Conservative Translation | Analysis |
|---|---|---|
| My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun; | My bimbo’s eyes aren’t like the sun. | "Woman" takes longer to say that "Bimbo". Historical case of liberal superfluousness. |
| Coral is far more red than her lips' red; | Coral is redder than her lips. | |
| If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun; | Snow is white. | FINALLY we get to the bottom of things! |
| If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head. | And her black hair looks like wire. | |
| I have seen roses damasked, red and white, | I have seen beautiful autumn foliage | What a beautiful way to bring in Counterexamples to Evolution Thanks TK! |
| But no such roses see I in her cheeks; | But her face doesn't look like that | |
| And in some perfumes is there more delight | And perfume objectively smells better | |
| Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks. | Than her liberal breath. | Clearly, even Shakespeare had trouble describing how bad liberals' breath is. |
| I love to hear her speak, yet well I know | I've reviewed her contributions and all she does is talk, talk, talk. | As all Shakespeare points to a moral message, this fine lesson on wiki editing seems to be it. |
| That music hath a far more pleasing sound; | Music by German composers sounds better. | Semicolons are tools of liberal atheist elites. |
| I grant I never saw a goddess go; | Goddesses are feminist liberal deceit. | |
| My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground. | My bimbo walks on the ground. | |
| And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare | Go bake some cookies, bitch, like the Bible tells you to! | It's hard to understand why she was even out of the kitchen. |
| As any she belied with false compare. | By the way, she lies about anything and everything. | Here Shakespeare confirms her a typical deceitful liberal. |