“”There are no atheists in the 85th minute.
Football is a strong spectator sport with many ancient and honoured traditions. Most of these involve the consumption of considerable amounts of beer, screaming incoherently, and/or causing significant physical harm to supporters of the opposing team.
Referred to as "soccer" by nations which practice "dental hygiene." Ha, fucking ha!
Low scores. Ties.
Christiano Ronaldo Italians with three hundred dollar haircuts rolling around like they've been shot whenever someone so much as touches them. And Latin American sportscasters yelling "¡¡¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!" at the top of their lungs for 30 seconds whenever someone scores. What's not to love?
The French International Fascist association, the international governing body of soccer is so corrupt they make COBRA look like Doctors Without Borders. Their general modus operandi is to offer hugely lucrative deals to the wealthiest people in poor countries, then demand sweeping changes of the law to ensure Sepp "Skeletor" Blatter makes his paper, while everyone else suffers. Almost every world cup in the past 3 decades has been met with massive protests, which invariably result in brutality and bloodshed. Oh. This was supposed to be funny.
FIFA HAS TOTALLY HILARIOUS MASCOTS!
 American "football"
At one point, the Americans started playing rugby. Then they changed the rules a bit, made the ball a bit pointier, added lots of armour and decided to call the game "football," completely ignoring the fact that the players spend most of the time carrying or throwing the ball around (when they aren't crashing into each other). American "football" can easily be distinguished from real football due to
being totally boring its lack of use of the foot.
Dem silly Murkins.
American football is made almost tolerable by cheerleaders, fabulous halftime shows, hilarious Superbowl ads, lots of beer and high-caloric food, punctuated by (yawn) football.
 See also
- George Best. Just plug his name into YouTube. A few hours later you might need to get some sleep before work.