Fun:Jesus
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Tired of laughing? RationalWiki has a slightly more serious article about Jesus Christ. |
Jesus Manuel Pantéra (likely local spelling: Yeshua bar Yosef) (Actually spelled Jesús, pronounced Hay-SOOS) (ca. 4 BCE - 29 CE) (often known as Mr. Christ in more formal situations) was a carpenter in the early Mission school[1] and one of the first recorded victims of Jerusalem syndrome.
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[edit] Life history
This rambunctious boy, because he believed himself to be the Son of God, was understandably put on Ritalin and various anti-psychotics early in life. This led to him being a pill and subsequently there was no reason to write about him until he had his mid-life crisis. He had trained under his "father", Joseph, and was making a fair living hacking out tables, chairs, and oaken chests, when the bottom fell out of the Palestinian furniture market, forcing him, at age 30, to seek other forms of sustenance.
He decided to run with his natural charisma, telepathic connection to God (YHWH), and basic exposure to Aristotelian (and possibly Confucian and Buddhist[2]) ethics, and formed a small ministry. He and his band of camp followers (including this broad, whom he was probably hittin') would travel around the local countryside, providing entertainment and, sometimes, salvation or magical cures, in exchange for simple meals, wine, and shelter. This group was the predecessor of modern day gypsies and travelling circuses.
His brief career as a soothsayer met an abrupt and violent end when he ran afoul of the local conservative fundamentalist religious leaders, who succeeded in getting the Romans to crucify him. But not before the Romans granted his last wish which was to be whipped by sweaty, military men; not an uncommon request in the gay S&M community (or so we're told). His miraculous reappearance as a Zombie three days after his death to some of his followers permanently ensured that some people's claims of his divinity would be taken seriously. This is why some of his followers to this day favor capital punishment.
[edit] Vile distortions
Around 30 years later, a confirmed bachelor from Tarsus, known as Saul, was on a long journey to Damascus with insufficient water to keep hallucinations at bay, and went through a "conversion" experience. He adopted the name Paul, and, by writing many letters to people he had met during his travels, totally screwed up Jesus' (arguably) reasonable, humanistic vision of how to live by injecting it with his closeted homophobic and misogynist paranoia.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
[edit] Bibliography
Chilton, Bruce (2002) "Rabbi Jesus: An Intimate Biography" Random House, ISBN: 978-0-385-49793-0 (0-385-49793-8)
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ Thank you Clio for the appropriate design school!
- ↑ To those who say we can't get those ideas from all the way over at Asia, creationists has came up with the necessary model and framework.