Fun:Jesusland
Jesusland is Jesus's Own Country. Y'all come back now, y'hear?
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[edit] Geography
Jesusland is flat, except where it is bumpy with mountains, with a climate that has never changed since its creation in 4004 BCE (see below). Its main life forms are corn, cattle, and hogs. The capital city is Crawford, Texas - the birthplace of George W. Bush. The country is sometimes referred to as "Dumbfuckistan", but not by its residents.
The cities of Sodom and Gomorrah have incorporated themselves into a single larger city: Las Vegas, Nevada.
[edit] Climate
(Except for Alaska)
In his short story collection Knockemstiff, Donald Ray Pollack described a typical summer evening in his hometown east of Cincinnati as being "as hot as a fat woman's box."
God sends lots of tornadoes and hurricanes in Jesusland to test the faith of believers or to smite sinners.
Seriously, with all the wrath-of-God weather in Jesusland, you'd think that the God-fearin' people there would ask themselves which sins they are committing to piss off The Big Guy.
[edit] People
God gave Jesusland to the whites, who adopted the Bible as their constitution. Then they grew lots of cotton and corn. In order to keep themselves pure in the sight of God, they are only allowed to marry their own relatives. Jesuslanders have a varied diet, including corn pone, corn grits, corn on the cob, corn dogs, and cornburgers, all washed down with high-fructose corn syrup soda and corn squeezin's (or moonshine).
[edit] Economy
Jesusland has a diverse economy, based on the Reaganomic principle. Its main exports are corn, religious zealots, and holy crusaders to go pacify the infidel states. One of Jesusland's main natural resources is rich white men in cowboy hats.
[edit] Religion
The main religion in Jesusland is Reaganism, unsurprisingly.
[edit] Literature
Jesusland is home to a unique breed of American literature. Read enough Jesusland literature and you will think that . . .
- most attics have at least one crazy aunt locked within;
- most people have been raped at least once before their thirteenth birthday;
- most boys play football and go hunting;
(And if he doesn't, everybody thinks "there's something wrong with that boy.") - every girl is either a cheerleader or a beauty pageant contestant;
(And if she doesn't, everybody thinks "there's something wrong with that girl.") - every football player, hunter, cheerleader and beauty pageant contestant is actually in the closet;
- when not in church, Jesuslanders are stealing their neighbor's livestock, committing arson for fun, and racing along rural roads in overpowered hot rods.
If art wasn't imitating life, Jesuslanders might have a real complaint about how they are portrayed in books, movies, TV, etc.
[edit] Literary figures
Among those who have contributed to the image of Jesusland are:
- William Faulkner
- Carson McCullers
- Eudora Welty
[edit] Not-quite-so-literary literary figures
More pop culture than pure literature. However, they too have had their influence:
- Dave Berry
- John Grisham
- Carl Hiaasen
- The creators of The Dukes of Hazzard
- The creators of Dallas
[edit] History
It is now!
[edit] Culture
- NASCAR racin'
- Cock fightin'
- Pit bull fightin'
- Bug zappin'
- Pitch forkin'
- Not givin' a dang 'bout those dang science fiction shows
- Science bashin'
- Old Glory wavin'
- Muzlims shootin'
- Tuhrist killin'
- Queer chasin'
- Queer beatin'
- Pro lifin'
- Ferners hatin' — fancypants college boys call it "zee-no-foebya."
- Lynchin' uppity negroids
- Human rights abusin'
- Jesus lovin'
- Keepin' nutty ole Cousin Zeke locked in the basement, only cuz there ain't no room for him and
AuntieGramma Tizzie in the attic. - Endangered species exterminatin'
- Polictically incorrect joke tellin'
- Stoppin' durn minor'ties from votin'
- Fightin' to win when doin'
Civil WarWar of Northern Aggression reenactments. - Football, and not that wimpy You're-a-peen' kind.
- Incest-ing
[edit] Neighboring countries
Mexico lies to the south, and the United States of Logic and Reason to the west, north and northeast.
[edit] Global warming
Despite the political coloration of the map on this page, as global warming continues, many of the so-called red states on the Jesusland Map will become blue one way or another.