Fun:Michigan

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This image is a thumb. Get it?
The thumb is the part that really looks like a thumb, the Upper Peninsula is the other part that looks like one.

Michigan is an oven mitt with a spare thumb. The spare thumb is called "UP", which is pronounced "da Yoo Pee" or "da Yoop" by its residents. These two landmasses, which are separated by the Straits of Mackinac, where Lake Michigan and Lake Huron meet, form a state that is a signatory member of the United States.

Michigan builds a lot of cars. Michigan builds a lot of cars so people can get the fuck out of Michigan.

The Mitten[edit]

The "Mitten" is officially known as the Lower Peninsula. Many years ago, somebody saw a map of Michigan and said, "Hey, that looks like a mitten." As a result, when ever you ask somebody from the Mitten where they live, they'll hold up the palm of their right hand (or the back of their left hand) and point to the corresponding spot. A non-Michigander's typical response to this is usually "No wonder Toyota is kicking GM's ass."

The Thumb[edit]

The "Thumb" is a small appendage on the eastern side of the Mitten. The largest town is Caro. That's about all there is to say about the Thumb.

Da Yoop[edit]

"Da Yoop" is officially known as the Upper Peninsula. It's bigger than New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, and every New England state except Maine. But its population is smaller than every other state. The largest "city" is Marquette (about 21,000).

Denizens of the UP are known as Yoopers. Most of them speak in a dialect reminiscent of the MacKenzie Brothers[1] on SCTV. The dialect is thought to be so unusual for United States residents that it has earned its own Wikipedia page.

The UP is especially isolated because very few roads go there. As a result, the UP is a place people go to hoping to get lost—it's like Alaska, but for people who don't want to be that isolated. The UP is so isolated that the central and western counties are the only places in the country where Finns are the dominant ethnic group.

Typical activities in the UP include drinking beer (especially Leinenkugel's from Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin), watching the Green Bay Packers (Detroit Lions fans stay away), and hunting bucks.[2] The last is so popular that on opening day (15 November) the news directors of the central UP's three local TV stations[3] will sometimes jettison coverage of the NFL, NBA, NHL and other pro sports. Instead, they will cover the first bucks shot that season.[4] Actor and Michigan native Jeff Daniels wrote Escanaba in da Moonlight,[5] a play and movie about these typical activities. Don't mention this title to any Yoopers unless you know they have a good sense of humor.[6]

Some Yoopers also partake in "polar bear" activities, like the Heikenpaiva dive in Hancock. Sometimes even little kids join in.

Indigenous tunage[edit]

The greatest musical group in the world, Da Yoopers, are from the UP. They operate a store called Da Tourist Trap in Ishpeming.[7][8] They sing about fishing, hunting,[9] digging rusty Chevrolets out of snow banks,[10] farting like their dads[11] and cheap beer, mostly.

Higher edumacations in Da Yoop[edit]

Oddly, for all its isolation and backwoods traditions, the UP has three public four-year colleges—Northern Michigan University (NMU) in Marquette, Michigan Technological University (MTU) in Houghton, and Lake Superior State University (LSSU)[12] in Sault Ste. Marie. This means that the UP has more per capita access to public higher education than many states. Go figure.

The UP is also the home of Finlandia University, the last private university founded by Finnish immigrants in the late 19th and early 20th century. It was originally named Suomi College -- "Suomi" being the Finnish word for "Finland" and "Finnish." It is affiliated with the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) and is the only private college in the UP. Founded in 1896, it is also the oldest college in the UP.

There are also two community colleges in the UP: Bay College in Escanaba and Gogebic Community College in Ironwood.

Statehood?[edit]

Yoopers have never really seen themselves as Michiganders like the rest of the state, Superior, as they call it (ego much?) and have tried many times to become a state. Of course, they would be worse than West Virginia without the Lower Peninsula.

In fact, a) Michigan only claimed the eastern quarter of today's Upper Peninsula (which was already undisputedly inside its borders), and b) they only became Michiganders as a result the Toledo WarWikipedia's W.svg, a conflict between Ohio and the then Territory of Michigan, because each one believed the city of Toledo and the 468-square-mile strip it was on were theirs to keep and the other butthead should make it like a tree and disappear (Toledo being economically important and all, especially way back when it was at the mouth of a canal, and canals were the main means of long-distance transportation back then). After pressure from Congress and President Andrew Jackson (since Michigan was fighting to become a state), as well as a dire financial crisis due to funding the militia that was fighting the war, Michiganders forsook the Strip for Ohio, took the Upper Peninsula - the quarter that was already theirs and the other three quarters that were 'till then Wisconsin's -, and Wisconsin, being a territory that was only to become a state some years later, got squat. They were unhappy about the deal because they believed the Peninsula to be barren, remote and wild - until of course they discovered copper and iron there, resources which more than offset Toledo's loss, which made Michigan really happy and Wisconsin really angry!

(This border dispute was not completely settled - again in favor of damn Ohio! - until 1973, when both Michigan and Ohio became saner and went before the Supreme Court. The dispute was the beginning of the Michigan-Ohio rivalry which lasts 'till today.)

Rust never sleeps[edit]

They used to make a lot of cars in Michigan. Ask Michael Moore - he made a movie about how they had to start killing rabbits in Michigan once they stopped making cars.

Upton Sinclair once wrote a novel about Michigan's auto industry, The Flivver King, which is to the Great Depression what Michael Moore's film is to the 1980s. The more things change, the more they stay the same, sadly.

But, never fear! Laid-off automobile workers can always give Michigan's own Amway a try.

Water crisis[edit]

It was never about the lead in the first place. The lead is a byproduct of the pipes disintegrating all the way done to the joints (which are made of lead). The mains are almost all steel pipes, and they have been seriously damaged by running (essentially) an acid through them for over a year. Every single water pipe in Flint now needs to be replaced.

The chemicals needed to keep the Flint water from eating the pipes would have cost $1000 a year. But the Emergency Managers ignored the science people and decided to do it on the cheap. If Snyder had dumped all that money that he seems so eager to spend on legal fees into modernizing Flint's infrastructure, this wouldn't have even been an issue.

Demographics[edit]

In Flint, the most populous city in the United States with a single-syllable name, the rat population is higher than the human population.

Halls of learning[edit]

It has the University of Michigan - a bastion of radical socialists that ranks among the best public universities in the United States and the UoM medical school is commonly seen in top 10 lists for best medical schools. There's also Michigan State University, which also has some top-notch grad programs.

Western Michigan University in Kalamazoo hosts the annual International Congress in Medieval Studies, the largest conference in the field. Why they would want to hold the conference in a field is . . . anyone's guess.

Other colleges include Andrews University (Run by the Seventh Day Adventist Church), Spring Arbor University (Run by the Methodist Church), Baker College (A trade school and not a very good one, many graduates never seem to get jobs) and Mott Community College (which is one of the highest rated community colleges in the country).

Besides the host of the medieval conference (obviously the most important edumacational institution on the mitt), Michigan plays host to two universities. The University of Michigan is, despite its somewhat snobbish population, all in all a good institution, but of late its football team has sucked balls (but don't leave yet). Michigan State University's worst academic programs are worse than those at the University of Michigan, yet oddly its best programs are better than the former's best, much to the annoyance of its intelligent students, the jubilation of its stupid ones, and the confusion of its mediocre ones (of course, none of these students feel any of this when they are not soaked in some form of alcohol, i.e. drunk, which is often).

Toledo War[edit]

Yeah, that's it. Sad, right?

The Ohio-Michigan Hissy Fit Toledo "War" started back when Michigan applied for statehood. Both Michigan and Ohio threw a hissy fit because both of them claimed sovereignty over the "Toledo Strip" (technically, Michigan was right). They nearly went to war, and it stalled Michigan's statehood. Both sides added up to only 1,600 people, and the "war" ended with one Michigander injury and no casualties. Stuff happened, and in the end, Ohio gained the Toledo Strip, and Michigan gained the Upper Peninsula, which Michigan thought was a bad deal at the time, but turned out to have massive copper and iron deposits and plentiful timber, more than compensating for the loss of the Toledo Strip. None if this is correlated to the Ohio-Michigan "football" rivalry.

Some reasons Michigan is better than your state[edit]

  • On 18 May 1846, Michigan became the first government entity anywhere to permanently ban the death penalty. (Well, except for treason until 1964. But nobody ever committed treason against Michigan--if you can figure out how that works. Not capital treason anyway, although some Michiganders have elected to attend Ohio State University.)
  • Michigan is bordered by four of the five great lakes, more than any other state.
  • The shoreline around the two peninsulas measures 3,288 miles (5,326 km). Only Alaska has a longer shoreline - most of which you can't get to anyway.[13]
  • Michiganders love winter because snow keeps undesirables like Floridians, Texans and Arizonans away. Thinking of relocating to Michigan? Check out this satellite photo.
  • All other college rivalries pale in comparison to this.
  • Michigan's no-fault car insurance coverage not only covers accident-related repairs to Michiganders' vehicles, it also covers all accident-related medical expenses. FOR LIFE! [14] Update: Maybe not. Fucking Republicans.
  • Aaliyah
  • Alice Cooper
  • Aretha Franklin
  • Bob Seger
  • Eminem
  • Grand Funk!!!
  • Iggy Pop
  • Marvin Gaye
  • The Miracles
  • Stevie Wonder
  • The Temptations
  • Over 150 200 breweries, including Bell's, Founders, and recent Hitler Ancient Aliens History Channel superstars Dark Horse Brewery. Check out some of Michigan's best breweries. Map It
  • A common nickname (sorta) for a Michigander is wolverine. Seriously, Michigan is outright obsessed with wolverines. Despite the fact that only one has ever been seen in the whole of Michigan's history.
  • It has the largest Christmas store in the world. And it is open all year round.Wikipedia's W.svg

...and some reasons Michigan may not be better than your state...[edit]

  • Amway (Scamway) is headquartered in Ada.
  • Libertarians successfully lobbied to stop requiring motorcyclists to wear helmets. Sure injuries went up, but Freedomz™ also went up.[15] (But see this is actually the government's fault because the government made helmets optional so the best way to reduce accidents is by getting rid of government.)
  • Michigan is a major stronghold of the militia movement.[16]
  • Mark Koernke, who called himself "Mark from Michigan," started the "black helicopters" myth.
  • Devil's Night in Detroit.[17]
  • Detroit also is a city where raccoon hunting[18] is a viable lifestyle. (And no, that's not a racial slur. Can we just A-bomb it and start again on the ruins, already!?)
  • Detroit literally has packs of feral dogs roaming the worse off areas[19].
  • Detroit in general.
  • Rick Snyder.
  • Flint has been drinking poisonous water from the Flint river since 2014.
  • Ted Nugent is from Michigan.
  • So is Jack Van Impe.
  • Has the fourth highest unemployment rate in the nation
    • Until very recently, Michigan did have the worst unemployment rate in the nation.
  • The Emergency Manager Laws effectively eliminate democracy in cities and municipalities that are placed under the law's influence
  • Michael Moore is from here
  • Two of the Top Five most dangerous cities in America are located in Michigan. (Flint is number 3, and Detroit, of course, is number 1)
  • It has the largest Christmas store in the world. And it is open all year round.Wikipedia's W.svg

Some of the better known Michiganders include[edit]

  • Gerald Ford
  • Edmund Fitzgerald
  • W. Mitt Romney - Former Massachusetts governor, son of George W. RomneyWikipedia's W.svg former Michigan governor (1963–69) and American Motors Corporation CEO.
  • Tim Allen -- More power!!!
  • Jeff Daniels
  • Kid Rock
  • Chris van Allsburg (writer and illustrator of Jumanji and The Polar Express, both of which became feature films)
  • Gillian Anderson (actress who gained fame from starring in The X Files)
  • Ted Nugent, Jack White, Bill Haley, Kevin Saunderson, Madonna and Eminem, purveyors of alleged "music."
  • Thomas Edison, until he moved to New Jersey, and his buddy, Henry Ford.
  • Larry Page (co-founder of Google), at least until he went to Stanford.
  • Sam Raimi, director of the Evil Dead movies
  • Bruce Campbell, B-movie actor best known for playing Ash Williams in the Evil Dead movies
  • Aretha Franklin and a large number of Motown acts. (Aretha even makes a Vernors Christmas ham. If you understand what that is, you're from Michigan.)
  • James Earl Jones. Yes, Darth Vader grew up here.
  • Henry Ford

External links[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Eh? You hosers don't remember da MacKenzie Brothers?
  2. For you hopeless city folk, bucks are male deer.
  3. Until the 1990s, the UP had one local TV station. The rest rebroadcast programming from stations in Traverse City, Cadillac and Green Bay. That's how isolated the UP is.
  4. November 15th might as well be a paid holiday in the UP.
  5. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escanaba_in_da_Moonlight
  6. Remember, Finns are the dominant ethnic group. And Germans are the UP's second largest ethnic group.
  7. Yes, that's a real town. So are Escanaba and Negaunee. And Menominee, too, which is not to be confused with the wrongly spelled Wisconsin towns of Menomonie and Menomonee Falls. (Those damn Badgers can't even agree on how to misspell Menominee!)
  8. My f***ed-up spell-checker says dat "Menomonee" is correct and "Menominee" is wrong. F***ed-up, Badger-loving spell checker! Dat's why ya can't trust dem spell checkers, eh?
  9. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kb9yhhflmvY
  10. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50IgzksUqpQ
  11. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2AJ8aiE4a4
  12. Most famous for the Banished Words List
  13. Note for pedants: This does, of course, ignore that bloody fractal problem where coastlines actually have infinite length.
  14. Michigan Catastrophic Claims Association website
  15. MacDonald, Sean, "Michigan Stopped Requiring Motorcycle Helmets And Injuries Went Way Up, Duh", Lanesplitter (1/21/16 4:30pm). This is where "YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO" runs head-on with consequences. And walls.
  16. Jacobs, Samuel P. "Why Militias Love Michigan", Daily Beast website, 31 March 2010, accessed 1 April 2010.
  17. See the Wikipedia article on Devil's Night.
  18. http://detnews.com/article/20090402/METRO08/904020395/To-urban-hunter--next-meal-is-scampering-by
  19. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-08-21/abandoned-dogs-roam-detroit-in-packs-as-humans-dwindle.html