Fun:Montana

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Montana: "I see dead things."
Montana's got goat!
Movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a Dental Floss tycoon
—"Montana" by Frank Zappa, the most famous song about Montana

Montana is Inspired, some think, by Eagles album covers? unique among the states of the United States. While many states proudly display wildlife, farm animals, flowers or trees as part of their twenty five cent commemorative piece, Montana simply has a skull.

MT has a long-standing populist streak which transcends party affiliation. They are responsible for the Constitutional amendment calling for the direct election of Senators after Daniel Plainview W.A. Clark tried to buy the state government. And then they kept a Democrat in that "stolen" seat for 100 years. But it's also the state which backed Trump (a populist) by 30 points. But they also voted for Democratic farmer-turned-SenatorWikipedia's W.svg with 2 fingers on his hand due to a meat grinder accident who loves the Keystone Pipeline...and gay rights?

The official state nickname is "The Treasure State" (Oro y Plata) because it is rich in minerals.

By area, Montana is the fourth-largest state in the United States. It is also one of the most sparsely populated.In 2000, when the U.S. census showed a state population of 902,195, state officials were sure that the state's population would exceed one million by 2010. They were off by about two years, as the 2010 census placed the state's population at 989,415.

Awesome destinations[edit]

It should be noted that these destinations don't take long to get to, despite the size of the state; Montana is unique among the states by having no speed limit on interstate highways during the daytime.

Missoula[edit]

Missoula is the hippest little town between Seattle and Minneapolis, full of Grateful Dead fans, radical environmentalist wackos, Rockin' Rudy's, and the like. Missoula can be easily spotted from the sky by the big peace sign on the hill.

Glacier National Park[edit]

An absolutely stunning national park in the north-west of the state with the only glacier in the continental US. It is proof of global warming for anyone who has visited the park in five year intervals. A national park since 1910; it has only one major road, the Going to the Sun Road[1]

Not so awesome destinations[edit]

Whitefish[edit]

More like "White Powerfish", amirite? White flight has accelerated in the last few decades. Long-standing German towns from the 1800s was turned completely Hispanic in about 10 years.

And it's not just Whitefish; the whole Kalispell area is slowly being eaten away by white supremacists, perhaps due to their proximity to Hayden Lake (birthplace of the Aryan Nation).

Now they have a spokesman,[2] but Richard Spencer is not a Montanan. He was born in Massachusetts, went to school in Virginia. We're guessing that's where he picked up his particular brand of "Himmler Hipster".[3]

Butte[edit]

Butte is a rough and ready little mining hamlet famous for three things: child abuse, St. Patrick's Day, and the Berkeley Pit. The majority of Buttians are Catholic because they know Hell is a very real place. Butte has voted Democratic in every election since Montana attained statehood, but this is probably because of massive vote fraud by tommyknockers sabotaging the voting machines.

Havre[edit]

Two tumbleweeds rolling across the screen, from left to right.

(This is what you might actually see while driving down 1st Street (U.S. 2) on a windy day.)

The greatest Montanananans[edit]

  • The best thing to come out of Montana in recent years is Senator Jon TesterWikipedia's W.svg, who, when confronted by the Republican incumbent during a debate that he wanted to weaken the USA PATRIOT Act, replied "weaken hell, I want to repeal it!"
  • Some peopled think the worst thing to come out of Montana, as of late, is Max Baucus.
  • The single greatest Montana of all time was Joe Montana.
  • Norman MacLean had a spiffy movie made about him and his brother fly fishing. Reportedly fly fishing became a brief fad in 1992 because of it.
  • Rick JoreWikipedia's W.svg, a State Representative from Ronan was the only member of the Constitution Party to hold an elected office. Despite (or because of) his repeated bashing of public education he was made chair of the House Committee on Education by the state Republican party.
  • Brian SchweitzerWikipedia's W.svg was the governor from 2005 to 2013.

Power[edit]

In the years before World War I, the state government decided to bring electricity to all of the people of Montana by creating a statewide electric company. The new utility operated as a monopoly, albeit a heavily regulated one. Montana Power built a statewide network of power lines whose installation and maintenance ate up huge chunks of revenue. If it had not been a monopoly, Montana Power could never have broken even, let alone turned a profit. For decades, the people of the state were happy with their reasonably priced, reliable electric company.

Then, in 1997, the Republicans in the state legislature caught the deregulation bug and broke up the monopoly. (And, yes, Goldman Sachs was at the center of it.)[4] Now, many Montanans pay through the nose and the ass for their electricity. And if you're a rancher who lives in the middle of the middle of nowhere, and your power line breaks thanks to an ice storm, have fun waiting for the power company to send out a repair crew.

Cranks[edit]

Owing to their small, mostly rural, and mostly white populations spread out over vast tracts of rugged, mountainous wilderness, Montana and neighboring Idaho have become popular destinations for survivalists, sovereign citizens, Christian Patriots, white nationalists, and other assorted far right cranks with a particularly apocalyptic view of America's future. James Wesley Rawles, a popular survivalist blogger, pointed to the region as an "American Redoubt"Wikipedia's W.svg[5] that would weather the collapse of civilization better than any other part of the country.

  • The Montana Freemen were a group of sovereign citizens who thought they could get rid of all their debts by filing bogus liens at the county courthouse and then floating worthless checks against those liens. An attempted 1994 foreclosure on their property, followed by a 1996 standoff with the FBI, put an end to that silliness.
  • Stan Jones, Montana's perennial Libertarian candidate for U.S. Senate, is a notorious consumer of colloidal silver. No word yet on whether he will change his name to Papa Smurf.
  • Elizabeth Clare Prophet and the Church Universal and Triumphant prepared for a prophesied nuclear war by collecting weapons and armored vehicles, presumably to finish off the survivors.
  • Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, carried out his bombing campaign from a remote cabin in the Montana woods outside the town of Lincoln.
  • Chuck Baldwin, a fundamentalist pastor and anti-NWO crank, moved from Florida to Montana in 2010 and called on his fellow cranks True American Patriots™ to follow him west.

Not much to do with Montana[edit]

Vasily Borodin would have liked to have seen Montana.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Immortalized in the opening sequence of The Shining
  2. Gold, Hannah, "White Supremacists Threaten Jewish Community in Whitefish, Montana", Jezebel (12/18/16 4:21pm).
  3. "Hiptler and the Führy of Synth" would have been cooler, though.
  4. Kohn, David, and Steve Croft. "Who Killed Montana Power?" 60 Minutes-CBS News website, posted 10 August 2003.
  5. Rawles' call to move to the mountains.