Fun:New York

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This little light of mine.

New York, dubbed the "Empire State,"[1] extends from the Atlantic coast of the United States at the mouth of the Hudson River[2] an infinite distance to the west and north.

New York is perhaps the bluest of the blue states, in spite of the Adirondack Mountains, the Allegheny Mountains, Central New York, parts of Hudson Valley and Staten Island being as red as Alabama.

Living in an upstate world[edit]

The Bills are fucking terrible, and their terrible-ness is supposedly exacerbated by life IN Buffalo, which has all the warmth and prosperity of an Antarctic whaling outpost.
—Drew Magary

The second largest city in the state is Buffalo, which is apparently the source of all wings in the US. Buffalo is also the home of the "Buffalo Dialect", which is the "Standard" accent for the US. There’s no hope for Buffalo in its current manifestation. (It burned down once already.) Have you seen the infrastructure on Google Maps? It’s Dark City.

The rest of it is just called "upstate" New York; everyone there refers to NYC/Long Island as "downstate". The "Southern Tier" of NY is actually north of anywhere within commuting distance of NYC, which confuses people. Contained in the "Southern Tier" is Elmira, which during the Civil War had the worst death camp the US has ever seen absolutely nothing happened there.

Upstate is a very, very strange place. Culturally, it's a combination of New England, Appalachia, and Canada. So... Vermont, which Upstate wishes it had joined when it had the chance. The American side (the part no one ever visits) of Niagara Falls is located here, though the waterfall gets turned off (and turned into electricity) when the tourists leave; this has the odd effect of discouraging extra baseload powerplants in the area, but since tourist season happens to also be when everyone has their AC cranked up to max, summer electric prices tend to be a tad high. The Erie Canal is also here, and while it's the entire reason Detroit and Chicago exist, nobody seems to give a crap. It has an Ivy League school in Ithaca (Cornell), which is technically in Appalachia. Also that means New York is the only state with two Ivy League schools; up yours, massholes!

Albany is the capitol, but most of the country and even some of the downstaters seem to be unaware of its existence. This enables all the NY tax money to disappear unnoticed. Uncle Sam was from Albany, or really the neighboring city of Troy, but screw Troy, that's all they have. There's a racetrack nearby, which is one of the races a horse must win to avoid being turned into glue and/or steak.

Upstate New York has a lot of farms, with plenty of sunshine and the occasional goat to chase, which make it a perfect place for your parents to leave your old pets. Also, Appalachia is where all Trump voters are spawned. They spring from the mining shafts fully formed, like the Uruk-hai.

Gotham[edit]

Of course, the real reason you came here. New York is home to the eponymous (and largest city in the USA) New Amsterdam York City, whereof it is said "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere."

New York has a century-long history of crony politics. Though Tammany HallWikipedia's W.svg no longer exists (the party made the mistake of snubbing Eleanor Roosevelt's son), New York City remains a temple of corruption. Albany, which lies up the aforementioned Hudson River[3], is named after Scotland. It is an abyss from which no tax dollars can escape. The massive amounts of corruption in Albany is practically a source of pride in the region. There are about 5 competing garbage companies for some reason. The largest local drunk tank university had half of its dorms built in a neighboring city specifically to rig the electorate with Democratic voters, which might've worked if young people actually voted. (Speaking of the university, Harvey Milk went there, so his face is plastered everywhere.)

Traditionally the Senate in NY has been controlled by a more upstate, right-wing majority. The Assembly was controlled by a more left-wing, Manhattan-centered majority. People were quite content as long as much of upstate NY, and NYC's suburbs, were pretty Republican. In recent times, however, New York has gone increasingly deep blue as local politics are becoming more 'nationalized'. In 2008, the Democrats won a majority of the Senate for the first time, but at the first session of this allegedly Democratic Senate, four "Democrats" split off from the main caucus. Though various machinations, these Democrats teamed upWikipedia's W.svg with the GOP to control the senate, making the Republicans (technically) the majority party, even though they hold a minority of the seats. This was a sore point for years.

Governor Cuomo's role in this has been to quietly enjoy it. After all, Cuomo is essentially a Clinton-style Democrat, and he's very hesitant to mess with Wall Street or the property players in New York. The reality of a Republican majority in the Senate means that any progressive bills, such as Bernie Sanders' tuition plan, or universal health coverage, are basically no-hopers that he doesn't need to kill, because the Republican senate will do it for him. The goodfellas independent Democrats will largely do his bidding, so he'll keep them within the party's fold, and call in his favors. He is, essentially, not only Governor but also the power broker in the state Senate.

Cuomo, however, had a tough time getting re-elected last time, so he cut a deal with left-wing groups like the Working Families Party. Crucial to the deal was that Cuomo would whip those independents into shape, meaning that the Democrats would have full control over the state. Cuomo then promptly broke his promise and played a crucial role in ensuring that the Republicans retained control of the Senate. At the time it seemed like a safe bet for him, but with the looming threat of Preet Bahara's investigations into corruption, the insurgency within the Democratic Party, and the fact that Clinton lost the election, it's left him exposed; a centrist Democrat in an increasingly left-wing state, who betrayed the left in the last election.

Anyone riding a bike in NYC will, within about 2 hours, become convinced that some drivers are trying to kill them; anyone driving in NYC will within 2 hours wish to kill all the bicyclists.

New York in stuff[edit]

  • New York Cheesecake
  • New York pizza, in many ways the polar opposite of Chicago pizza
  • New York Mets, although that's the city, not the state
  • New York (again, the city) was the site of two out of four of the "9/11", a/k/a "11/9" terrorist jetliner crashes.
  • The New York Giants are going to beat the Beantown boys! Twice! People the world over still don't care.[4]
  • New York Subway System, one of the busiest in the world.

New Yorkers in stuff[edit]

  • John JayWikipedia's W.svg was governor of New York, before becoming the first Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court.
  • Martin Van Buren was governor of New York, later president and a pretty swell dude.
  • Franklin Delano Roosevelt was also governor, before becoming President for life!.
  • As was his uncle-cousin Teddy Roosevelt.
  • Grover Cleveland, yet another governor turned President.
  • Thomas Dewey was another governor, but failed to make it the White House.
  • Nelson Rockefeller, yet another important governor.
  • Andrew Cuomo, incumbent governor, has some high standards to live up to.
  • John A Dix. Only on this list because of the name. Teehee! Also there were two John A Dix, because New Yorkers love their Dix.
  • Rudy Giuliani, ferret-hater in chief.
  • Pamela GellerAHHHH! AFTER 10,000 YEARS I'M FREE! In 2012, she had to scratch, bite, and claw to get a spot at CPAC, presumably because she had become an embarrassment.
  • Peter King — Old Irish/Italian-Americans are basically calling for a race war, completely ignoring the fact that they were the Mexicans once.
  • 2016 has been a big year for New York...
  • Millionahs!
  • and Billionahs! — No matter how many buildings he puts his name on, daddy will never love him.
  • Live from New York, it's Saturday Night with Lorne Michaels.

See also[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. In New Yoooork, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing you can't do...
  2. Which, strangely enough, does not connect to Hudson Bay.
  3. With a paddle, it must be noted!
  4. This is true - the not caring bit at least. But what do they know? People the world over are also irrational and probably all Commies.