The weird states are those states in the United States that are often singled out as being particularly strange or undesirable.
- Alabama: If Florida is America's wang, Alabama and Mississippi are the fundamentalism-bestunk, intentionally-retarded taint. That's really all you need to know about either one.
- Alaska: summed up by the adage taught to all women who move to the area: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
- Arizona: a vast sprawling playground masquerading as a state; just be sure you like 120 degree weather first. It's a "dry" heat.
- Arkansas: So far, Arkansas has had two governors attempt to flee the state to seek asylum in Washington, DC. The first succeeded and is now living safely in New York after eight years of government protection. The second is scary as hell and luckily won't.
- California: Earthquakes, wine, and epidemic cluelessness, punctuated with the odd race riot. The northern half of the state used to be a haven for Deadheads, hippie communes, and unemployed ex-loggers who discovered a new, ahem, cash crop, and the southern half a haven for valley girls and surfer dudes...but that was all in the past. Today it's [THIS SECTION CENSORED IN THE INTEREST OF DIVERSITY AND POLITICAL CORRECTNESS]
- Colorado: formerly, full of cattle and prospectors. Later, crunchy granola-land for hippies. Then the televangelists moved in.
- Connecticut: New England's largest concentration of Yankees fans and unfinished highways.
- Delaware: the mainland US answer to the Caymans; the state's biggest industry appears to be mail drops and, recently, vice presidents.
- Florida: corrupt government, unending humidity, a lightning rod for strange people. America's wang.
- Georgia: East Alabama with swatches of civilization around Atlanta and Savannah. A banjo in a business suit.
- Hawaii: Don Ho, Magnum PI, Hawaii Five-O, Mele Kelikimaka, and other bad tourist schlock. And poi. And wind. Lots and lots and lots of wind.
- Idaho: where we know how to spell p-o-t-a-t-o-e. The Panhandle is where those too weird'n'whacky for even Washington or Montana wind up. Voted for Pedro.
- Illinois: Chicago, and the rest of the state. A little like Louisiana with snow.
- Indiana: Illinois' redneck cousin.
- Iowa: Corn and politics, gay marriage is legal there.
- Kansas: Because we needed our own Saskatchewan.
- Kentucky: Bourbon. Horses. Lack of any clear identification with any surrounding areas. In other words, Kentucky.
- Louisiana: Not so much a state as a sweaty, corrupt train wreck with good food.
- Maine: nine months of snow, three months of road repair.
- Maryland: Despite its east coast location and D.C. suburbs, has a terminal affliction of rednecks who are still ticked off that the Union put their state under martial law and didn't let them secede with the rest of the Confederacy. Baltimore offers crab cakes and free bullets.
- Massachusetts: All those darn gays and libruls, not to mention the Kennedys, an endless stream of Presidential wannabes, and the world's most ridiculous universal health care system. What's up with that?
- Michigan: The rummage sale of the Great Lakes. Rednecks, urban violence, scrubby jackpine forest, Amway, and the second largest university in the country. They claim they're making better cars than they were 20 years ago, but nobody trusts them anymore. The Detroit Craigslist is probably the best place in the country to find an Arabic translator. Also the home of uninspiring losers Ted Nugent and Bob Seger.
- Minnesota: Not actually all that weird; just afflicted with that annoying Winnepeg-goes-to-Stockholm accent. Also home to "Minnesota Nice", which is the sort of polite reception where you need to check for knives in your back.
- Mississippi: Do we need to remind you to see Alabama?
- Missouri: Misery. Branson. (Redundant?)
- Montana: The nation's largest refuge for isolationist psychos. Call before visiting so they know not to shoot out your tires.
- Nebraska: because driving across Iowa isn't misery enough
- Nevada: Lost wages, D-I-V-O-R-C-E, Area 51, and legitimate businesses with names like the Chicken Ranch.
- New Hampshire: North Boston and E I E I O. Ayup.
- New Jersey: Pollution, beaches, tollbooths, and Springsteen. The state where one describes where one lives by which Turnpike exit they use. Home of teh Schlafly!
- New Mexico: 44.3% more American than old Mexico. Has a resort town called Truth or Consequences. Does not have UFOs.
- New York: two different things: that little island that still pretends they're the center of the known universe, and the rest of the state which might as well be part of Canada.
- North Carolina: beaches in the east, moonshiners in the west
- North Dakota: nine months of snow, three months of road repair. And wheat.
- Ohio: Often singled out for being strange and undesirable on account of its hypernormality, a symbol of all things middle-American. Also Devo is from Ohio.
- Oklahoma: In running competition with Colorado for how many televangelists can be based there.
- Oregon: The part of the west coast between California and Washington. Has some good Pinot Noir. But see also Vermont for the demographics.
- Pennsylvania: Acceleration ramps? What're those? Civil engineers? Who needs 'em? Has scrapple.
- Rhode Island: Strip clubs, quasi-legalized prostitution, unusual vocabulary even by New England standards, some of the weirdest politicians in the country.
- South Carolina: Still fighting the Civil War. Let 'em be.
- South Dakota: Still less north than North Dakota. More wheat.
- Tennessee: moonshiners in the east, Elvis in the west, no scratch that, Elvis has been spotted across the state. Pigeon Forge is the Baptists' answer to Las Vegas.
- Texas: Massively overinflated self-importance masking a painful case of Alaska envy.
- Utah: Mormons. Jello. The Osmonds. Prozac.
- Vermont: Grouchy rednecks and perma-stoned hippies. And
- Virginia: Formerly known for being the home of far too many televangelists, but thank God for Colorado and Oklahoma! It's also the moonshine capitol of the world. Also has the worlds' most pathetically stereotypical suburbs in Fairfax County and the country's most uptight beach city in Virginia Beach.
- Washington: Rain and boredom. Also Microsoft and oceans of coffee. Bigfoot lurks in the woods, as does the next Ted Bundy or Green River Killer. And don't forget Mt. St. Helens and Mt. Rainier...KA-BOOM!!!! Hahahahaha...
- West Virginia: Similar to Vermont, but in this case the grouchy rednecks and perma-stoned hippies are often one and the same, and the state is full of them plus they all carry shotguns. Those who aren't, are hard at work underground so you ungrateful
fucksfolks can power up your computers.
- Wisconsin: Cheese, beer, and
widespread denial about Brett Favre's defection to Minnesotafootball. Also beer and cheese.
- Wyoming: full of phony cowboys, real oil roughnecks, millionaires, and geysers. Also home to the world's largest volcano, which powers said geysers and will probably blow sky high some day and plunge half the world into a month of night.
 Not states
Note: not colonies.
- American Samoa
- Diego Garcia
- Guam: Pacific island with a funny name.
- Guantanamo Bay
- Puerto Rico: ¿Como se dice "shit or get off the pot" en español?
- Saipan: Third world labor practices on American soil. What a bargain!
- U.S. Virgin Islands: Are we still in the US? They drive on the wrong side here...
- Wake Island: A speck of coral in the middle of a Pacific Ocean. Easily mistaken for an aircraft carrier by virtue of having the Airstrip In The Middle Of Nowhere.
- Washington, D.C.: Disputed territory between MD and VA -- neither one wants it. In that regard, sort of like the island of Moosylvania, with more stray bullets. Apparently some sort of governing activity goes on there as well.
- Iraq: Well we took it, so we pwned it! Could be three more states!
These fall under the category of United States Territories and should be written posthaste!
 Legally Not USA
- Airstrip One
- America's Hat: The USA is Canada's trousers.
- America's Cold War Relic
- America's rubbish dump: Feel free to dump any unwanted space stations here.
- Guantanamo Bay: definitely not part of the USA.