“”I don't know what I'd do without Republicans. They're guaranteed to give me a laugh or two.
“”Facts are stupid things.
The Republican Party is a right-wing political party in the United States of America. While the Republican Party was once the party of civil rights and Abraham Lincoln, and later became known as the party of personal responsibility and restricted government, in the latter half of the 20th century it became a party dominated primarily by people who can afford seven-figure bribes, the psychotically religious, and experts in framing issues to play to constituents' prejudices.
After 2000, the Bush-McCain wing of the party ballooned the national debt to its highest level in American history. Their successor, Barack Obama (not a Republican) seeks to clean up the mess by spending more money.
The Republican Party is also known as the "Grand Old Party" (GOP) although it is, in fact, younger than the Democratic Party and not that grand. Since the election of President Obama, the party has done everything in its powers to become known as the 'Party of No'.
For an as-yet-unknown reason, the Imperial March by John Williams begins playing out of thin air anytime more than ten Republicans gather in any one place, and wherever Dick Cheney happens to be.
Some people will argue that plenty of "old-style" Republicans still exist, and are just waiting for a suitable figure to lead them. If so, it is hard to tell them from the faux-rebels running around. Most commentators just assume they're either endangered, extinct or on acid.
- 1854 - The party is founded. Times are very different from today, and people look to the Republican Party for positive policies concerning slavery and trade as opposed to the Democratic Party, which, at the time, favored the interests of planter-slaveholders and the South.
- 1860 - Abraham Lincoln, possibly the greatest president ever, is elected. He is remarkably bipartisan and agreeable, acting on what he feels is best for America rather than what is best for his party. Unfortunately he was not bipartisan enough to escape the ire of a certain Confederate sympathizer, who assassinated him on April 14, 1865.
- 1901 - Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt becomes president following the assassination of William McKinley (George W. Bush in a previous life). He goes on to do many things that would be anathema to modern Republicans, including fighting big business and protecting the environment, and if he had his way in the next decade America would have had universal health care a century ago.
- 1912 - The Republicans are split between the conservative William H. Taft and the progressive Roosevelt. When the convention moves for Taft, TR leads an exodus, fracturing the Republican electorate. Roosevelt comes in second and the Democrats take the White House. From this point onwards, the Republicans were no longer the unequivocally "liberal" party.
- 1929 - The Great Depression starts. The Republican Party applies the "just watch the country go down the crapper" strategy. Contrary to what most people think, Herbert Hoover moves immediately into action, attempting a bailout and donating massive amounts of his own funds to charity to keep people out of poverty. To this day, Hoover is remembered as the man who started the Great Depression and is lumped in with the rest of the GOP.
- 1933 - Franklin Delano Roosevelt (also not a Republican), another candidate for greatest president ever, takes over. He greatly helps relieve unemployment during the Depression, and has the luck of being in office when the U.S. is drawn into, and helps win, World War II. He brought many years of prosperity to America, along with hitherto unknown levels of national debt.
- 1948-1968 - The segregationist Southern Democrats are abandoned by their increasingly tolerant party and gradually move to the increasingly conservative Republican Party. In 1964, the Deep South is the only region captured by Republican Barry Goldwater (aside from his home state). By the end of the decade, the once-solidly Democratic South has turned red (although Southerners Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton temporarily reverse the trend).
- 1961 - Dwight D. Eisenhower finishes his two-term presidency. While infamous for introducing the "Under God" part of the Pledge of Allegiance, as well as creating the "In God We Trust" motto, he was incredibly pragmatic, creating NASA, expanding Social Security, starting the desegregation process, and warning against a "military-industrial complex." Also one of the last Republican presidents to balance the federal budget.
- 1969-1974 - Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon is elected on a promise that he has a secret plan to end the Vietnam War. The plan is so secret, another 20,000 GIs die before Nixon runs for re-election on a promise to really, really end the war for sure this time. By that time, his "plumbers" have been arrested for trying to wire the DNC offices in the Watergate complex, resulting in a cover-up so disgusting, and abuses of power so scary, the country actually elects Jimmy Carter in 1976. Despite this, he is the last progressive Republican, establishing the EPA, affirmative action and made the treatment and rehabilitation of drug addicts a priority.
- 1981-1989 - Ronald Reagan gets into office. At this point the Republicans change from a center-right party to neoconservatism with the introduction of trickle down economics. Gets credit for delayed effects of a crappy Soviet economy, delayed effects of previous presidents, and for being rude to other world leaders. Illegally sells weapons to Iran, which are used several years later by present-day extremists. Spends 1/4 of all military defense money allotted during the Cold War when there was no point in doing so, and starts the 30-year trend of borrowing like a sailor without any regard for the consequences. Becomes principal deity to a new, cultish religion. Vetoes the 1987 highway bill because it included 121 earmarks and was $10 billion over the line he had drawn in the sand.
- 1994 - The Republican Party takes control of Congress as a result of complacency and corruption in the Democratic Party. Begins a fourteen-year era where the Republicans really screw things up and destroy any chance of power for dozens of years after a Democratic president and a new Democratic majority is elected in 2008. It took the Democratic Party 61 years to become fat and lazy, and it only took the Republicans 14.
- 2000 - The Republican Party elects a monkey, chiefly due to Al "Doom and Gloom" Gore stealing votes that should rightfully have gone to Buchanan and Nader, and voter fraud and suppression in Florida. Republicans ditch saner paleoconservative principals, and give way to big gub'ment ideas like defense spending, border control, and the exacerbation of the War on Drugs. Fiscal conservatism is put on the backburner.
- 2005 - Bush signs a $286.4 billion dollar highway bill passed by a GOP-controlled Congress, earmarking $24 billion for 6,376 pet projects. What line? What sand?
- 2007 - Bush presses for passage of John McCain's bill granting a path to citizenship for 20 million illegal immigrants. Only a grassroots effort by abandoned conservatives (who demand the border be locked down) dials back the GOP drive for amnesty.
- 2008 - As his presidency was winding down, Bush issued a series of executive orders with nasty environmental consequences.
- 2009 - People are counting down the days. 4... 3... 2... 1...
- 2010 - The Republicans begin their massive campaign of smears, fear-mongering and misinformation against the Democrats. The Teabaggers are spawned. The Republicans become the "Party of No" as they try everything they can to block important or useful legislation proposed by the
Democratssocialists. Dispirited and disinterested liberals stay home as angry conservatives turn out to elect enough scary people to Congress to take control of the House.
- 2011 - Control of the House achieved, congressional Republicans relax and enjoy being able to prevent Obama from making any progress, simply by not passing anything for him to sign. Nation largely ignores this as attention is drawn to the train wreck that is the presidential campaign.
- 2012 - Mitt Romney becomes the Republican Party's nominee for President of the United States in the 2012 election. He loses the election to the incumbent, President Barack Obama, with (in full irony) 47% of the vote.
- 2013 - In spite of humiliating losses in the 2012 elections (they only won the House of Representatives because the boundaries were rigged in their favor), the Republican Party is continuing to stake out far-right stances on the deficit, as well as social issues like abortion and gun control. No major attempt is being made to reconcile with Hispanics or African-Americans after the 2012 debacle, and it is increasingly doubtful if they can make any gains in Congress in 2014 or retake the presidency in 2016.
 Ties to Mammon
Despite their claims of being in the service of God, in recent times the Republican Party has shown a belief in Mammon, the personification or deity of greed in the Bible. Some within the GOP try to mask Jesus as one of them, altering his teachings to serve their political platform. A prime example of this would be one idiot and his "bible." Others are more open with their agendas, such as Sen. Jim Bunning. Even some right-wing ministers encourage deceit. The closest, thus far, of the GOP stating who they really pray to would be Glenn Beck encouraging his viewers to be greedy and leave their church if they talk about helping the poor (which he compared to Nazism). And these people believe they deserve a place in heaven.
 A very long list of Republicans
|Hail to the Chief?|
|Persons of interest|
- His Most Grand High Exaltedness, Slayer of the Dragon of Communism, and Defender of the Faith: Saint Ronald Wilson Reagan
- Abraham Lincoln: He was, however, a member of the National Union Party during the last year of his life.
- Alan Keyes: Responsible for the crazification factor.
- Alberto Gonzales: You thought Ashcroft was bad? This guy ensured, by any means he knew how, that the United States would use torture. Fired attorneys at the Justice Department for not prosecuting Democrats enough or being loyal enough to Bush's agenda.
- Allen West: "...I believe there's about 78 to 81 members of the Democrat Party who are members of the Communist Party. It's called the Congressional Progressive Caucus."
- Ann Coulter: A super-skinny, bulimic political commentator who can often be seen on Fox News. Wants to invade Canada.
- Antonin "Nino" Scalia: Supreme Court Justice. You have the right to bear rocket launchers!
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hasta la vista, Governator!
- Bill O'Reilly: Alleged "Independent."
- Piyush (Bobby) Jindal: Pro-eugenics.
- Carl Paladino: Teabagger-supported, unstable, bestiality porn addict.
- Carly Fiorina: Former candidate for the Senate from California and former business executive.
- Christine O'Donnell: Tea Party
witchcandidate who opposed masturbation.
- Clarence Thomas: Supreme Court Justice. Makes Scalia look moderate.
- Dick Armey: Former #2 Republican in the House, now leader of the AstroTurf group FreedomWorks, which organizes the Tea Party.
- Dick Cheney: 'Nuff said.
- Donald Rumsfeld: Former Defense Secretary and friend of Cheney who knew about Abu Ghraib and talks to us about what are "known knowns" and whatnot. Generals on the field wanted his resignation, proving who is pro-military after all.
- George W. Bush: Proved why Homo neanderthalensis died out.
- Glenn Beck: Hammy, weeping media personality who carries on the Religious Right's tradition of holding some revival rally that's supposed to be so important every year.
- Jack Abramoff: Busted felon.
- James Bopp: Seeks a "pure" GOP. Also likes to call people names.
- Jan Brewer: Governor of Arizona, fractal wrongness queen.
- Jesse Helms: The "Senator from South Africa."
- Jim DeMint: Demented would be more like it, am I right? Wants schools to be able to fire gay and "promiscuous" female teachers.
- James Inhofe: Al Gore's sworn enemy and head of the climate change denial brigade.
- Joe Lieberman: A Republican by any other name, no matter what he may call himself.
- Joe the Plumber: Not really named Joe and not really a plumber, but asked Barack Obama some question at one of his events.
- Joe Wilson: "YOU LIE!"
- John Ashcroft: Ultra-religious former Attorney General who covered a naked breast at the Justice Department, prosecuted Martha Stewart for things most get away with to distract from the GOP, sings, and harnessed the Patriot Act.
- John Boehner: The Speaker of the House, since January 2011. Cries openly more than any other politician in memory.
- John McCain: Jowly wanna-be president. The failed 2008 Republican Party candidate and still a US Senator.
- Karl Rove: Criminal who has avoided summons to appear before Congress.
- The Koch brothers: If you don't know, you haven't been paying attention.
- Larry Craig: Of "wide stance" fame.
- Lou Dobbs: Former CNN anchor who is anti-immigration.
- Marilyn Musgrave: Nutty Representative from Colorado.
- Mark Levin: Falsetto-voiced radio host.
- Mark Sanford: hiking the Appalachian trail... in Argentina.
- Meg Whitman: Former head of eBay and candidate for governor of California.
- Michael Savage aka. Michael Weiner: Bigoted lunatic.
- Michael Steele: Former president of the RNC. Upset a lot of old white people by suggesting the party should focus on younger, non-white people. Has also made a large number of brain-dead gaffes and brought the RNC to visit a bondage club.
- Michele Bachmann: Batshit insane Representative from Minnesota and a 2012 presidential candidate.
- Michelle Malkin: The token Coulter.
- Mike Huckabee: Wait, Tricky Dick's back from the dead?
- Mitch McConnell: The leader of the Senate Republicans. Reminds one of a turtle. Sees to it that defeating the President is the GOP's top priority, no matter if the economy crashes down in the process.
- Mitt Romney: Former governor of Massachusetts, ran for the Republican nomination in 2008 along with another dozen or so rich old white men. His Mormonism was a little too much for the American people. Or was it just that perfect hair? Failed again in 2012.
- Newt Gingrich: Former Speaker of the House and primary culture warrior who's been married three times and has a history with
getting his wife sickphilandering that makes Bill Clinton look like a choir boy in comparison.
- Pamela Geller: Islamaphobe-in-Chief.
- Paul Ryan: Randroid, Matthew Morrison's double and Romney's new best friend.
- Phyllis Schlafly: Andy's mom, has a history in right-wing activism going back to the '60s, and led the opposition to the Equal Rights Amendment.
- Rand Paul: Ron Paul's son, Tea Party animal.
- Reince Priebus: Current chairman of the RNC.
- Rick Parry: Texas Governor, secessionist, and candidate for 2012.
- Rick Santorum: Fundamentalist former Pennsylvania Senator and 2012 candidate.
- Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger: Convicted felon, former mayor of Springfield
- Roger Ailes: Former Nixon strategist, now the President of Fair and Balanced Fox News.
- Ron Paul: The guy nobody usually pays any attention to.
- Rudy Giuliani: A noun, a verb, and 9/11.
- Rush Limbaugh: Use birth control? You're a slut! And you shouldn't have the right to vote!
- Sarah Palin: Was scarily close to being an old guy's heartbeat away from the presidency.
- Sean Hannity: Used to be friends with this guy.
- Sharron Angle: Tea Party candidate against Harry Reid who endorsed what she called "Second Amendment remedies."
- Ted Bundy: Misogynist serial killer who spent his last days before the chair with James Dobson groaning on about how porn ruined his life.
- Todd Akin: Real rape doesn't cause pregnancies!
- Tom DeLay: Hehe, I'll kill them, just show me where they are!
- Virginia Foxx: She said Matthew Shepard was killed in a robbery, not because he was gay. She hasn't said why he was tortured and crucified.
 Former GOP Members
- Charles Barkley: Because as a child his grandmother had told him they weren't rich enough to be Republicans, he thought he had to be a Republican after making millions from basketball. He has since learned that the Republicans suck in general, and is thinking of running for office in his native Alabama as a Democrat or Independent.
- Former Secretary of State Colin Powell: Still claims to be a Republican as well, but was excommunicated by Dick Cheney and others for supporting Obama and opposing both the Iraq War and DADT.
- Former Senator Jim Jeffords (switched to Independent)
- Former Senator Lincoln Chafee
- Former Senator Arlen Specter: Switched parties in 2010 out of fear of losing the Republican primary, then lost the Democratic primary.
- Secretary of Defense Robert Gates: He hasn't renounced his party allegiance, but being the SecDef under Obama and pushing for an end to Don't Ask Don't Tell has pretty well sealed that deal.
- Gary Johnson: Former two-term Governor of New Mexico (leaving office due to term limits), ignored and vilified by the Republicans during his attempt at receiving the 2012 Republican nomination for President due to his progressive social views, fiscal conservatism, and use of polysyllabic words when speaking publicly. Was the candidate for... the Libertarian Party.
 See also
- Club for Growth, not to be confused with the Hair Club for Men.
- K Street project
- Log Cabin Republicans, a weird subgroup of Republicans who seem to believe the exact opposite of the Republican Party.
- Theocracy Watch
- A list of Hollywood Republicans
- Radical Republicans
- Vote Republican!
- All rise for the official GOP theme song.
- A sample speech from a Republican National Convention.
|United States 2008 Presidential election articles on RationalWiki|
| Topics: 2008 U.S. Presidential Election - Democratic Party - Debate:Religious beliefs and public office - Republican Party - Same-sex marriage - United States Electoral College
Candidates: Hillary Rodham Clinton - Rudolph Giuliani - Mike Huckabee - John McCain - Alan Keyes - Dennis Kucinich - Ron Paul - Mitt Romney
Running mates: Joe Biden - Sarah Palin
Winner: Barack Obama