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Fun:Hawaii

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Hai!
("Aloha", you mean!)
("Howzit", you both mean!)
Hawaii has always been [sic] a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. You can see the Pacific from Hawaii.
Dan Quayle[1]

Hawaii (in Hawaiian: Hawaiʻi) was the last state to join the United States (so far). It was once an independent country, but during the age of colonialism became a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Dole fruit empire after the fall of Queen Liliuokalani.[2] Subsequently, due to its proximate location, it became what made the most sense - an American state.

The word "wiki" comes from "wiki wiki," Hawaiian for "quickly."

Land and people of the islands of Hawaii[edit]

Historically, the original name of the Hawaiian islands was the Sandwich Islands, named for the Earl of Sandwich, sponsor of Captain Cook. Upon arrival, Captain Cook met Master Roshi Goku King Kamehameha I (pronounced Ka'may-ha'may-ha).[3] That night, the locals and the sailors had a luau where all the sailors got laid by the local women. In appreciation for the locals' hospitality, Captain Cook brought more white people, allowed the King to take a permanent leave of absence, impregnated the women, and introduced a new religion.

Hawaii is one of the handful of US States where white Americans are a minority, though ironically, Native Hawaiians themselves along with other Polynesians make up only about 10% of the total population. Many of the state's inhabitants are of Filipino and Japanese origin, descendants of early 20th century laborers and later immigrants, coincidentally making it a frequent tourist attraction for Japan and the Philippines.

Main islands[edit]

Hawai’i[edit]

Hawai’i (hereinafter known as the Big Island or BI) is the largest of the all the islands in the chain. It is largest enough to contain all the other islands combined. The BI is also the youngest of the islands. At 20 years old, the BI will be old enough to drink next August. The BI also contains the only active volcano in the chain, Kilauea, which vomits acres of new, useless land into the Pacific every month.[4]

Maui[edit]

Maui is BI's older brother. At 22 years old, Maui has perfected the herb, "Maui Wowi." Maui also contains a dormant volcano called, "Hale Akala" (House of the Sun). Maui was also gypped out of having one of the cool little apostrophe thingys in its name (an "’okina" for those of you unedumacated folks!).

Lana’i[edit]

Lanai (pronounced Lah na' ee or simply, "La-nai") is a boring island off of Maui. There's a golf course, a dead volcano, and not much more. Unless you have money to blow, skip it on yer tour of the Islands. If you have a lot of money to blow, you can rent the whole island for weddings, like Bill & Melinda Gates did one time.

Kaho’olawe[edit]

Kahoolawe (pronounced Kah-hoe' oh-lah-vey) is the red-headed step child of the islands. It was overrun by the United States Navy and is a no-man's-land because of the unexploded ordnance.

Moloka’i[edit]

Molokai (pronounced Mo-lo-kah' ee or simply Molo-kai) is known as the slipper of the islands and the most "Hawaiian" of the islands. It has the highest percentage of ethnic Hawaiians that haven't been inbred with the haoles (or Japanese or Samoans or Tongans or Filipinos). The whole island shuts down after 7:00 pm. There was also a leper colony here for a while.

O’ahu[edit]

Oahu (pronounced Oh' ah-hoo) is known as "the gathering place" and contains all the touristy goodies such as: Pearl Harbor, Waikiki, Diamond Head, and the famous North Shore. Waikiki good for tourists. Waianae (and everything west of Waimea) not so good. If you aren't careful, it's easy to get Lost on this island.

One time User:Xena was in a boat off the shore of Waikiki Beach looking at people's heads through binoculars, and as the boat came closer to shore she saw more and more of their bodies poking over a bulge of water, thus obtaining direct evidence that the earth is not flat.

Kaua’i[edit]

Kauai (pronounced Cow-ah' ee or simply Ka-wai) is north west of Oahu. It is the wettest spot on earth, receiving more rainfall annually than any other place. For a brief period in the early 1990s, it was overrun with man-eating dinosaurs and Jeff Goldblum.[5]

Ni’ihau[edit]

Niihau (pronounced Nee' ee-how or simply Neehow) is known as the "Forbidden Isle" and is privately pwned. There is a small contingent of natives that live on the island. All others must get permission or risk having their heads shrunk and eaten.

Hawai’i-Emperor Seamount Chain[edit]

All of the islands, as well as a trail of seamounts to the northwest of Hawai’i that either failed to break the surface or were submerged due to erosion or rising sea levels, were created by the same hotspot and are evidence of that pesky plate tectonics theory which cannot possibly be true.

Lo’ihi[edit]

This is the newest island of Hawaii, forming off the southeastern coast of BI. It is slowly being built, currently 975m from sea level, and is currently classified as a seamount, much like the rest of the Hawaii-Emperor Seamount chain. It will become an island sometime in the next 100,000 years, assuming ocean levels don't rise in the same time period. Thermal vents around the mount are host to many chemosynthetic microbial organism colonies which were clearly put their[sic] by God and not from some form of abiogenesis.

Hawaii in Hawaiian, or, Hawaiians on Hawaii[edit]

Ua mau (mau), Ke ea o ka, 'Āina i ka pono!

(awaiting a fluent editor) (Literal translation: "The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness." Spoken translation: "Run, haole, run")

Hawaiian words[edit]

  • ALOHA - "Hello", "Good-bye", and "Don't forget to go home" (when used in reference to a haole -see below)
  • BRUDDA - dude, man, homie; slim, young (when used in reference with AAVE)
  • DA KINE - Hawaiian for I-don't-know-what-to-call-it-because-I'm-too-busy-hating-haoles
  • HAOLE (pronounced "How-Lee")- when used sarcastically, it is the Hawaiian version of the "N-word" for white people
  • MELE KALIKIMAKA - Merry Christmas. Er, Happy Holidays
  • PAU - finished; done
  • POI - Hawaiian for bland oatmeal
  • PUKA - a small hole or pocket
  • UF (pronounced "oof") - to have sex
  • WIKI-WIKI - "Quick" or "Hurry up"

Politics[edit]

Bernie Sanders famously carried Hawaii. But examined more closely, Hawaii's entrenched "blue" politics can be a bit misleading. The local Democratic party is firmly left-of-center on most issues, and representatives on the state and federal level must have a close relationships with local hegemonies (finance, tourism, insurance, entertainment, agriculture, and so on),. There is also the large military presence. These relationships are somewhat typical of flyover states in the US. Support for the Democrats, particularly among older voters, is based primarily on inherited racial and labor union loyalty as well as a legacy relationship with the ever-popular Sen. Inouye (Democrat, '63-'12). However, this may be changing with a general leftward shift away from "liberalism", which is also the reason many in the state view Tulsi Gabbard as a Machiavellian opportunist.

Hawaii in modern culture[edit]

  • Most notably in this context, "wiki" comes from "wiki wiki", Hawaiian for "quickly".
  • Hawaii Five-O had awesome surf-style theme music, and atrociously wooden "acting".
  • Magnum, P.I. is the greatest TV show of all time.

Notable Hawaiians[edit]

  • Don Ho
  • Mauna Loa (not a person, it's a damn volcano!)
  • Mauna Kea (not her sister, it's another damn volcano!)
  • Hale akala (not the auntie, it's yet another damn volcano!)
  • Stitch (naturalized)
  • Lilo Pelekai
  • Barack Hussein Obamaor so they would have you believe
  • Daniel Akaka- the first native Hawaiian senator
  • Keanu Reeves is of Native Hawaiian descent on his father's side (the name "Keanu" means "the cool breeze"), but was born in Lebanon and raised in Canada.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Stupid things said by Dan Quayle
  2. [1]
  3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDdkeymlbu0
  4. http://hvo.wr.usgs.gov/kilauea/
  5. It is a favored film location for many jungle/island/Vietnam-era movies, as it is in the United States and many part of the island are owned by private families who trade usage rights for upkeep (trail maintenance, fences, picnic tables, etc.) instead of cash.