King Arthur

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Look, he really did exist, here's his grave

King Arthur was the supposed King of England Britannia during the Dark Ages - who may have been several persons of the same name or an amalgamation of various bits of history and legends.

Son of Uthur Pendragon,[1] married to Guineviere (or possibly three queens of the same name in succession), pulled the sword out of the stone, ran the Round Table (a version of which can be seen at Winchester, UK), around which an assortment of knights told tall tales; gave employment to Merlin the Wizard, got pissed off when his missus ran off with his best mate and died in a battle with Modred - who might have been his offspring by his evil half sister Morgan Le Fay. (The original text says that Arthur and Modred died in the battle - not that they were on opposite sides.) Supposedly sent to Avalon - now known as Glastonbury, the centre of much New Agery.

Another legend says that he didn't actually die but "sleeps" under a hill somewhere from whence he will return when Britain faces danger. However, so far, the UK has had to manage events like the Battle of Britain without his help.[2]

The lake woman watery tart getting the sword back
He had a sword named Excabil... Esclabi... Exclab... Ecksalib... well, he definitely had a sword anyhow.[3] He either found it stuck in a stone or was given it by a rather dodgy woman in a lake. (Possibly the solo precursor of today's synchronised swimmers) If it was the lake woman she rather meanly demanded its return when Arthur died. As put by Monty Python in The Holy Grail:

DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!

ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!

Arthur does not get any royalties from the vast number of books, films, TV series and other products based on his life. There is very little agreement on where he lived (Scotland, England, Wales, France...): according to one book was responsible for the founding of a large number of pubs.

[edit] See also

[edit] Footnotes

  1. Uther tricked the wife of his enemy Gorlois, Lady Igraine, and slept with her. Thus Arthur was a bastard.
  2. See the Wikipedia article on Drake’s Drum.
  3. The Welsh in their wisdom know the sword as the much easier to spell and pronounce Caledfwlch.
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