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Conservapedia:Machismo

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Machismo is a term used on Conservapedia to describe the level of masculinity, or "Manly-man-ness" in men. It is a desirable attribute for a good, Christian, conservative man to have; conversely, liberal and atheist men are defined by their lack of machismo. In rare cases, such as that of Margaret Thatcher and Sarah Palin, it is possible for a woman to have machismo.

The meaning of the word in the original Spanish is something like "Attitude and actions of those who look down on women."[1] It is derived from the Spanish word "macho" which is an adjective meaning male (with an implication of referring[2] to animals). The converse term for (literally) "female-ness" "hembrismo"[3] has less implications and is hardly ever used even in Spanish.

The link between machismo and scientific and/or religious belief was first postulated in the seminal[4] work, Does Richard Dawkins Have Machismo?[5] by Ken DeMyer. The publication of this essay led to the forces of atheism and Darwinism on the internet being comprehensively defeated.

Characteristics of Machismo[edit]

Men with high levels of machismo are likely to be good, conservative, Christian men. They don't cook or do housework, as that is what women are for. They enjoy watching football (American football, not the girly soccer kind of football), drink American beer (shudder) and eat bacon with all the fat left on. They attract the attention of lots of Hispanic ladies, and, for some reason, bulls. They are as swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon.[6] Most importantly, they do not believe in evolution and regard atheism as being as bad as, if not worse than, communism. And they are definitely, definitely not homosexual or in any way obsessed with homosexuality. Sometimes they go weeks without thinking about homosexuality, unless the media makes them.[7][8]

Etymological insight[edit]

Macho grande

The Spanish word macho can refer to a steely hardened helically ribbed tool, used for shaping the insides of a wide variety of holes. The mode of application is thrusting and turning with force enough to make a permanent change to the interior of the workpiece. In English, this tool is called a "tap," demonstrating a tenuous etymological connection to the colloquial utterance, "I'd tap that."

Symptoms of a lack of Machismo[edit]

A lack of machismo will usually manifest itself in one or more of the following symptoms:

  • Being liberal
  • Being a liberal wiki vandal [9]
  • Being an atheist
  • Being female
  • Being a pantywaist
  • Being homosexual
  • Driving a "fuel efficient" vehicle (especially a Prius)
  • Being anti-war
  • Being an illegal Mexican immigrant
  • Using Linux [10][11]
  • Speaking French
  • "Talking" through disputes
  • Lowering yourself to using "reason" in arguments
  • Eating Sushi
  • Drinking Coke Zero
  • Eating strawberry-flavored anything
  • Drinking flavored coffee
  • Liking cats
  • Enjoying creamy peanut butter [12]
  • Being divorced[13]

The Machismo Factor[edit]

Machismo is measured on a scientifically-backed five-part scale from 1 (low) to 5 (high). The scale is a base-10 logarithmic scale, much like the Richter Scale, so someone with Machismo Factor 5 is 10 times more manly than someone with Machismo Factor 4, and 100 times more macho than someone with Machismo Factor 3.

A man with Machismo Factor 5 is referred to as having "MA-CHEESE-MO."

Remedies for Low Machismo[edit]

A machismo of Factor 1 is a terminal condition; 100% of people with Machismo Factor 1 will die -- or, worse, transition to female (if not already female). For the remaining population, a low machismo level can be treated with a combination of the following courses of action:

  • Watch a good, conservative movie, such as the John Wayne Vietnam War classic, The Green Berets
  • Go to an All You Can Eat diner and eat everything If you're an atheist they will get you for atheism and obesity.
  • Trade in your Japanese or European automobile for a Ford F450. If asked by a tree hugger about its fuel efficiency, tell them that it is very quick under acceleration. [14]
  • If female, stop shaving your legs and take up an activity like weightlifting, bullfighting, or smoking cigars. Of course, while this may increase your masculinity, it'll also prove you're a hairy-legged feminazi.
  • Pretend to be a caveman. Take up survivalism. Amass huge quantities of police and rescue gear. Masturbate often to build your testosterone level Don't masturbate because Filthy smutty pr0n is needed to masturbate (Well if you're a guy we don't care, but if you're a woman you're a slut who will go to hell).
  • Crush your enemies by launching wiki projects linking them to homosexuality, atheism, mass murder, abortion, pseudoscience and whatever else comes up on your word-of-the-day calendar. Note that your role should only be to initiate these projects, writing the actual articles should be left to sissy parodists.
  • Take The M Factor training course from DeMyer himself, at the reasonable price of $1000 per hour.[15] Undetermined number of courses needed. Progression through M Factor course and to higher Machismo rating requires geometrically stepped higher payments. Course may have unintended side effects including, but not exclusive to: psychosis, delusion, hallucination, diarrhea, hair growth in unusual places, writing about homosexuality on the internet for 16 hours per day, short sightedness, loss of muscle definition. Please read the label and seek medical advice before taking course.
  • The "Patrick Star" method: [16]
    • First, puff out your chest.
    • Now say, "tax exemption."
    • Now you must acquire a taste for freeform jazz.

Quantifying Machismo[edit]

\mathrm{Machismo} = {\frac{\left(\mathrm{GentFr}+1\right) \cdot \mathrm{Edits} \cdot \mathrm{HotDogs} \cdot \mathrm{HitPic} \cdot \mathrm{Regards}} {\left(\mathrm{LadyFr} + 1\right) \cdot \left(1 - \mathrm{Chuck}\right)} }

where:

  • GentFr = number of gentleman friends with a machismo factor greater than 3
  • Edits = average number of separate edits needed to produce a coherent sentence
  • HotDogs = average number of Hot Dogs consumed per day
  • HitPic = number of Hitler pictures inserted into articles
  • Regards = number of occurences of the term "in/with regards to" per 1000 words posted
  • LadyFr = number of lady friends (including gentleman friends with a machismo factor less than three)
  • Chuck = 1 if you are Chuck Norris, 0 otherwise

Notable people, as measured by Machismo[edit]

Machismo factor 0[edit]

  • Trent Toulouse - Created a wiki specifically for people with a machismo level of 1 and therefore must have no machismo.[17]

Machismo factor 1[edit]

Machismo factor 2[edit]

  • Jon Stewart - liberal TV presenter, gains a point for being a baseball (good, American sport) fanatic
  • Bill Clinton - gets an extra point for being a Bubba, but really, how macho can "I feel your pain" ever be?

Machismo factor 3[edit]

Machismo factor 4[edit]

Machismo factor 5[edit]

  • John Wayne - giving all to the war effort, he bravely sacrificed the opportunity to become a glorious, bemedalled WWII hero in order to make movies about being a glorious, bemedalled WWII hero not named Marion
  • Ken DeMyer - discoverer of the link between machismo and political leanings
  • The Village People - good upstanding manly men encouraging the listener to join the YMCA and the Navy
  • Phyllis Schlafly - loses point for having been a woman - regains point for being Andrew Schlafly's mommy

Machismo factor NaN[edit]

  • Jesus - the original manly-man, before Jesus there was no machismo.
  • Andrew Schlafly - paragon of conservative Christian men the world over
  • Chuck Norris - a level technically impossible to all other men except the ones above.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Spanish definition
  2. Oh the sweet sweet irony
  3. from "hembra" - female, once again implied to refer to animals
  4. sem·i·nal (adj.) 1. of, relating to, or consisting of semen
  5. Does Richard Dawkins have machismo?
  6. Mulan - "I'll Make a Man out of You"
  7. "I rarely think about the issue of homosexuality. When I do, it is generally only because the media covers it."
  8. Unless, of course, they find themselves deprived of access to women (prison, same-sex boarding school, Catholic priesthood) -- in which case they're not really gay as long as they're penetrating another man and not the other way around.
  9. Liberal wiki vandals lack machismo
  10. For the IronyGoogle Cache
  11. Someone may beg to differimg.
  12. [2]
  13. Ken DeMyer speculates that "Perhaps, if Richard Dawkins understood women better plus had machismo, he would still be married to his first wife!". Perhaps Dawkins could have avoided this by spending the past three years obsessively editing homosexuality related articles at a wikiimg of his choosing?
  14. Muscle cars are efficient, Andrew L Schlafly, 2010
  15. M factor coaching
  16. As seen here.
  17. Though Wikipedia says it was PalMD, but obviously that's just liberal deceit.
  18. [1]img
  19. Retrieved from CP Mainpageright
  20. No, it wasn't Hillary.
  21. Here's PROOF of his mah-cheese-moe
  22. http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/gnxp/2010/08/1-in-200-men-direct-descendants-of-genghis-khan/#.VN-w7_nF-So
  23. http://www.history.com/news/history-lists/10-things-you-may-not-know-about-genghis-khan
  24. http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2003/02/0214_030214_genghis.html
  25. http://www.theguardian.com/uk/2003/mar/02/science.research