New York

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This little light of mine.

New York, dubbed the "Empire State,"[1] extends from the Atlantic coast of the United States at the mouth of the Hudson River[2] an infinite distance to the west and north.

It is home to the eponymous (and largest city in the USA) New Amsterdam York City, whereof it is said "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere." The rest of the state is called "upstate" New York; everywhere upstate refers to NYC/Long Island as "downstate". The "Southern Tier" of NY is actually north of anywhere within commuting distance of NYC, which confuses people. Contained in the "Southern Tier" is Elmira, which during the Civil War had the worst death camp the US has ever seen absolutely nothing happened there. The second largest city in the state is Buffalo, which is apparently the source of all wings in the US. Buffalo is also the home of the "Buffalo Dialect", which is the "Standard" accent for the US.

Upstate is a very, very strange place. Culturally, it's a combination of New England, Appalachia, and Canada. So... Vermont, which Upstate wishes it had joined when it had the chance. It has an Ivy League school in Ithaca (Cornell), which is technically in Appalachia. Also that means New York is the only state with two Ivy League schools; up yours, massholes!.

The capital, which lies up the aforementioned Hudson River[3], is named after Scotland. It is an abyss from which no tax dollars can escape.

NYC has undergone many transmutations over the decades. Like the human body, it can be said that you have an entirely new city every seven years. Of late, the city has become astronomically expensive as yuppies flood into the former meat packing districts and slums, while the rest move to someplace cheaper, like Brooklyn Queens the Bronx you know, I hear good things about Connecticut.

New York has a long history of crony politics. Though Tammany Hall[wp] no longer exists (the party made the mistake of snubbing Eleanor Roosevelt's son, Franklin Jr., in his bid for Attorney General, which was met with swift retaliation by the whole clan), the corruption and patronage in Albany remains pervasive. The Tammany example infects nearly every aspect of life in Manhattan; Film crews are gouged for the 'privilege' of shooting in Manhattan, rent steadily goes up, realtors give John Gotti a run for his money, contractors charge exorbitant fees, etc.

[edit] Abominations

Eating one's pizza with a fork and knife.

...Oh, and the Statue of Liberty is in New York. It is an abomination unto the LORD. The Bible says, Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. (Exodus 20:9)

Most of the larger cities in Upstate New York can be considered abominations as well. They really aren't all that great (Ithaca is clearly exempt). Still less corrupt than Florida.

[edit] New York in stuff

  • New York Cheesecake
  • New York pizza, in many ways the polar opposite of Chicago pizza
  • New York Mets, although that's the city, not the state
  • New York (again, the city) was the site of two out of four of the "9/11", a/k/a "11/9" terrorist jetliner crashes.
  • The New York Giants are going to beat the Beantown boys! Twice! People the world over still don't care.[4]
  • Mormonism, Spiritualism and Seventh-Day Adventism all started here.
  • FDR was governor, before becoming President.
  • As was his uncle-cousin Teddy Roosevelt.
  • Rudy Giuliani, ferret-hater in chief.
  • A fair share of wingnuts, as represented by Pamela Geller, Michael Savage, and Peter King. Most of these individuals reside in the suburbs of Long Island and Staten Island, or (before Hurricane Sandy hit) the hermetically-sealed compound Breezy Point.

[edit] Footnotes

  1. In New Yoooork, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing you can't do...
  2. Which, strangely enough, does not connect to Hudson Bay.
  3. With a paddle, it must be noted!
  4. This is true - the not caring bit at least. But what do they know? People the world over are also irrational and probably all Commies.
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