New Zealand

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I believe we were all glad to leave New Zealand. It is not a pleasant place ... the greater part of the English are the very refuse of society. Neither is the country itself attractive.
Charles Darwin[1]
If you wish to kill yourself but lack the courage to, I think a visit to Palmerston North will do the trick.
John Cleese on one of New Zealand's provincial towns[2]

New Zealand ("Australia's Canada") is a little country in the South Pacific Third World nation Home o' those darn liberals world superpower. It is best described by this equivalence relation: New Zealand is to Australia, as Canada is to America.[3] Some have described New Zealand as "like charmingly crap Britain in the 1950s." Others refer to it by its cleverdick nickname "Godzone," as in "God's Own Country," etc. New Zealand is a notably awesome place to live[4] and consistently outranks the United States by nearly every metric[5] despite (or perhaps on account of) being some orders of magnitude smaller.

The former Prime Minister was a woman who claims to be an agnostic, however as a liberal (therefore possibly commie) woman, she is more than likely an atheist who is bad at mathematics. She would like this site, especially all the Christianity articles. Now the power has shifted to the right and the National Party, led by John Key, holds parliament. Key is also an atheist (or "weak atheist" if you prefer), stating in a live interview, when asked if he believed in God, "I don't believe in life after death, so in the traditional sense of the world [sic] no, but I have no conclusive proof either way."[6] Although it should be noted that the "right-wing" in New Zealand are still considered "flaming liberals" in the United States.

The Lord of The Rings was filmed in New Zealand. It's also the home of bungee jumping.

There actually is an Old Zealand (or Zeeland as it's usually spelled these days) in the Netherlands, but New Zealand seems to be more popular. Neither one has any relation to Denmark's Zealand (Danish name Sjælland), or to Sealand, which is a tiny island in the North Sea that claims to be a real country, despite only having a population of 27.

Contents

[edit] History

New Zealand was the last major landmass on the planet to be settled by humans. Polynesian voyagers, probably from the vicinity of the Cook Island, arrived around the 14th century and became the people known as Maori, whereupon they set out causing mass extinctions like every other group of people to first arrive on a major landmass. A few of these people then left to settle some small outlying islands, reverted to hunting and gathering because the land couldn't support agriculture, and became the Moriori.

The first European to sight New Zealand was the Dutch explorer Abel Tasman, who charted some of the western coast in 1642, naming it Staten Land. After remaining undisturbed for 125 years, European contact became frequent following the voyages of the great navigator James Cook, who charted most of the coastline and made detailed description of the land and people between 1769 and 1779.

The latter years of the 18th century saw increased interest in New Zealand from whalers and sealers, some of whom became the first European settlers. Missionaries arrived in the early part of the 19th century, although progress in spreading Christianity was initially very slow.

European contact, and especially the import of firearms, led to wide ranging inter-tribal wars in the 1820s and 1830s, killing an estimated 10% of the population and leading to the conquest and near total genocide of the Moriori, who unlike the Maori, had not been blessed/cursed with European contact.

New Zealand became officially a British colony in 1840, with the signing of the Treaty of Waitangi by leading Maori chiefs. The following 30 years however saw a series of conflicts between the settlers and Maori tribes, and also saw the beginning of the alienation of a large part of Maori-owned land.

New Zealand saw rapid immigration, mainly from Britain and developed a predominantly agrarian economy, boosted by the development of refrigerated shipping in the 1880s.

As a loyal colony, and later self-governing dominion, New Zealand was an enthusiastic participant in 20th century conflicts. Small contingents served in South Africa during the Boer War. Over 100,000 New Zealanders served during the First World War, with over 16,000 being killed from a population little more than 1 million.

The Second World War saw over 200,000 New Zealanders serve, and the 11,000 deaths gave a casualty rate higher than any other Commonwealth country.

[edit] Pseudohistory

For a relatively small country with a relatively short history, New Zealand has amassed an entertaining range of pseudo-historical theories around Maori and pre-Maori settlement. Nineteenth century European theories about origins speculated on Indian or 'Aryan' origins for Maori. There was also emphasis on the theory that Maori settlers has displaced earlier inhabitants: such a theory provided some kind of intellectual justificaton for later European colonisation. As better information emerged in the later twentieth century about origins, more far-fetched theories have also emerged, including such fantasies as Egyptian or 'Celtic' settlement.

[edit] Politics

For many years New Zealand was regarded[who?] as a social laboratory, resulting in an extremely progressive governmental structure. New Zealand has no formal constitution, instead having a series of documents including a Bill of Rights (1990) and the Treaty of WaitangiWikipedia's W.svg (1840 - the original founding document signed by the British and by native Maori tribes who were, at the time, busy putting their new muskets to use in a series of bloody battles while the British settlers slowly chipped away at the Treaty - annexing large tracts of land), meaning that elected politicians who are (vaguely) accountable to the people decide on the laws.

New Zealand has a parliamentary system of governance with Mixed Member Proportional (MMP) voting taking place every three years. Voters have two votes, the first to determine the proportion of seats ultimately allocated to each party, the second vote determines which candidates win the geographical electorate seats auctioned off under First-Past-the-Post. Seats are potentially added by some mysterious sinister furniture-manufacturer to ensure approximate proportionality based on the party votes. While there are two largish parties, center-left LabourWikipedia's W.svg and center-right NationalWikipedia's W.svg, if any smaller party breaks the 5% threshold of votes they get a share of the seats in parliament (5% will get you around six of the ~120 seats in parliament) and potential influence over decision-making. Additionally, small parties may enter parliament by winning an electorate seat, which also removes the requirement of hurdling the 5% barrier to gain further seats. The New Zealand Parliament abolished its own upper house, the appointed "Legislative Council", in 1950.

The following "minor" parties control seats in the New Zealand parliament as of 2016:

  • the New Zealand Green Party, the largest minor party
  • the NZ First Party, which revolves around the personality cult of its slightly criminal leader Winston Peters, which is populist in approach (generally a bunch of rabble-rousers who just scream "enough of this sort of thing!") with a core constituency of people with grey hair
  • the Maori Party, which promotes its interpretation of the rights of the chthonic/indigenous Maori people
  • the ACT Party, far-right but traditionally libertarian
  • the United Future Party, headed by a political dinosaur, Peter Dunne, who wears some kind of dead animal on his head[7]

The latter two parties only have the one seat each and could effectively hold the government to ransom due to several lone-wolf coalition deals democratic proportionality.

New Zealand has few lobby groups, but they do include the so-called Sensible Sentencing TrustWikipedia's W.svg and Family First New Zealand, which has a smorgasbord of social conservative views that people rarely, if ever, listen to. New Zealand trade unions are also heavily involvedparticipate in the political process, the New Zealand Labour Party having elected a union leader as leader of the party in 2014[8] - presumably endeavoring to emulate those members of the Grand Old Party who fostered the career of one of the Great Leaders of the Western World.[9]

New Zealand holds the Guinnessworld record for keeping its Head of State at a safe distance. The Sovereign in right of New Zealand lives in semi-permanent exile on the other side of the globe in a small island called Britain (off the coast of Brittany).

[edit] Religion

38.6% of New Zealanders reported "no religion" in the 2013 census,[10] up from 34.7% in 2006.[11]

New Zealand's national religion is Rugby Union, and the national team, the All Blacks, used to have a curious ability to win every game in the four years in between world cups and then choke at the main event. The curse of the All Blacks was lifted in 2011 when they won the world cup in their own country, and then became the first nation to defend the title and the first to win it 3 times in the UK in 2015 further confirming their superiority over all other nations.

New Zealand is also home to Brian Tamaki, a televangelist who has founded Destiny Church, arguably New Zealand's first megachurch in the tradition of the United States model. In 2012 Tamaki announced plans to build his own community complete with schools, businesses and a university causing many to consider Destiny Church a cult.[12]

Graham Capill, founder of the Christian Heritage political party and currently serving time for the rape of a twelve-year-old girl, also hails from New Zealand, demonstrating that extreme religious hypocrisy is a worldwide phenomenon.

[edit] Seditious liberal activities

New Zealand also takes part in many seditious liberal activities such as the Kyoto Protocol, the UN, and peacekeeping efforts, and did not participate in the totally awesome bad-ass Iraq War. Additionally, although firearms are still legal with a license, New Zealand has strict gun control (by the standards of the United States, though far more lax than Australia or the UK) and almost non-existent gun crime (less than 0.002 gun crime-related deaths per 100,000 people).[13] Go figure, eh? Such rampant seditious activities would be expected to result in many citizens being jailed, and this would be a problem for New Zealand, which has the eighth highest incarceration rate in the OECD.[14] New Zealanders showed their practical bent by abolishing the crime of sedition in 2007 [15] which had the unfortunate side effect of returning many liberals to the community.

[edit] Nuclear free status

During the 1960s New Zealand saw a series of protests on the issue of nuclear weapons. During the late 1970s there was great opposition to visiting United States nuclear warships and French nuclear tests in the Pacific. In 1984, the opposition Labour Party won the election and signed nuclear-free legislation into law, which included a ban on nuclear weapons and visiting nuclear-powered ships were not allowed into New Zealand waters. The Americans tested New Zealand's resolve on this issue by requesting a visit by the USS Buchanan to which the New Zealand government refused. The States then broke off all visible military and intelligence ties with NZ.

[edit] Sacre bleu!

New Zealand's Rainbow Warrior Greenpeace ship had been active in protesting French nuclear tests in the Pacific, much to the consternation of the cheese-eating surrender monkeys. In 1987 two French secret service agents bombed and sunk the ship while it was moored in Auckland harbour, killing one man. The French agents were caught and sentenced to 10 years each. France then used its European influence to threaten New Zealand's trade in the area, and France boycotted New Zealand products. Not to be outdone, New Zealand boycotted French products, however both countries looked to mediation by the United Nations. The United Nations gave France a spanking and a $13 million fine.[16]

[edit] Current status

New Zealand's anti-nuke legislation still stands and has never been challenged by any successive governments since. Only recently, in the last 15 years, has the United States slowly been rebuilding shared intelligence with New Zealand.

[edit] Pro-nuke all along?

In a display of batshit craziness ultimate badassery, it is legal for any NZ high school to keep a pound of uranium and/or thorium for experiments. Seriously.[17]

[edit] The lost continent!

Southern Zealandia.

New Zealand is a volcanic creation in just the right place on the Pacific Ring of Fire to well up from a failed rift. Like Iceland but older. However, there is an entire submerged continental shelf it's on called Zealandia. No foolin.' Check that other wikiWikipedia's W.svg. New Zealand and New Caledonia are the bits that are visible above water, but it's a (sub)continent all right.

[edit] New Zealand cranks

  • Banana creationist Ray Comfort was born in New Zealand.
  • Ken Ring, a crank forecaster for weather and earthquakes by using lunar cycles.
  • Trevor Loudon, crank right-wing blogger.
  • Steffan Browning, Green Party MP, who thinks homeopathy might be effective against Ebola.
  • Russell Crowe, born in NZ, now lives in Australia. Not really a crank, more of an asshat.
  • Colin Craig, former leader of the NZ Conservative Party. You can probably guess what that means.

[edit] Notable New Zealanders

  • Sir Edmund Hilary - first man to conquer Everest
  • Peter Jackson - movie director
  • Helen Clark - number three at the UN
  • Lord Ernest Rutherford - discoverer of the atomic nucleus
  • Jonah Lomu - the first global superstar of Rugby Union. Lots of other rugby players.
  • Phar Lap - A really fast horse
  • Ace McWicked
  • Flight of the ConchordsWikipedia's W.svg
  • Ace's sister That chick who auctioned off her cherry to pay her schooling fees.
  • Nicole Kidman, has some connection with the place.
  • Maori
  • Lorde - singer-songwriter [18]

[edit] Entertainment

Hey there, sailor

Kidding though. Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch are world-class cities, not bad for a tiny isolated place.

New Zealanders also enjoy a paralytic fear that, at any moment, a huge disaster may happen. This is one of the few cases where such fears are well founded. New Zealand lies on the boundary of two highly active tectonic plates in the Pacific Ring of Fire and earthquakes are common. Wellington has been preparing for the much anticipated "big one" which consequently hit the completely unprepared Christchurch with many aftershocks from 2010 to 2011, causing the deaths of 182 people. Meanwhile, Auckland made the deadly mistake of being situated on top of about 5 or 6 56 volcanoes. Got to say, they're asking for trouble.

[edit] See also

[edit] References

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