Pennsylvania

From RationalWiki
Jump to: navigation, search
Where's the damn bell?

Pennsylvania was one of the original thirteen colonies that formed the United States. It was founded by William Penn, who wanted a place where Quakers and other denominations could worship freely without persecution, as being a Quaker was illegal in England at the time. The state capital is Harrisburg, and it borders on a bunch of other states, as many do.[1]

Contents

[edit] Early legislation

Its first Colonial Legislative Act, the Great Law of Pennsylvania, December 7, 1682, mandated: "That no person ... who shall confess and acknowledge one Almighty God to be the Creator, Upholder and Ruler of the World ... shall in any case be molested or prejudiced for his, or her Conscientious persuasion or practice." The Continental Congress met in Philadelphia, the largest city in Pennsylvania, and at the time, the largest city in any of the colonies. The Declaration of Independence was signed there in 1776.

[edit] Politics

Pennsylvania is known as "Pittsburgh in the west, Philadelphia in the east, and Alabama in between". Hence the election of Senator Rick "Santorum" Santorum. However, this statement is misleading. In reality, everything within a 60 mile radius of Philadelphia in the southeast is part of of the Bos-Wash[2] corridor and filled with liberal minority heathen nanny state types, while the remainder of the state is just like West Virginia, or in other words, a vast playground full of choo-choo trains, coal mines, steel mills, towns with more taverns than churches, towns with more churches than houses, huntin', fishin', rock climbin', and the Pittsburgh Stillers. Hence the election of Senator Bob Casey who resoundingly defeated Mr. Rick "Man On Dog" Santorum.

Many Pennsylvanians call the state "PA" (no relation to MA).

[edit] Liquor laws

  1. Walk into Sheetz
  2. Look into cooler
  3. Look confused after failed search
  4. You: "Hey, you sell beer here"?
  5. Clerk: "Welcome to Pennsylvania, where ya from?"

'Nuff said.

See also: Prohibition. Actually, you can buy beer in PA, but only at a special "beverage warehouse". Or in a bar - lots of those.

[edit] More laws

It is illegal to sing in a bathtub or sleep outside on top of a refrigerator in Pennsylvania. Damn liberals.

[edit] Tourist attractions

  • Steamtown National Historic Site in Scranton
  • Horseshoe Curve near Altoona
  • Railroaders Memorial Museum in Altoona
  • Railroad Museum of Pennsylvania in Strasburg
  • Lackawanna #190 coal mine tour in Scranton
  • Pioneer Tunnel and Steam Train in Ashland
  • Centralia (two miles west of Ashland and kinda smoky, population 1000 in 1980, population 9 today)
  • Gallitzin Tunnel and Railroad Museum in Gallitzin, whence can also be found a mysterious building named "Atheist Station"
  • Allegheny Portage Railroad National Historic Site near Gallitzin
  • #9 Coal Mine and Museum in Lansford
  • Miniature Railroad & Village at the Carnegie Science Center in Pittsburgh
  • are we noticing a common theme here?
  • Breezewood, the obligatory stopover point (You! Slow Down!), where you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villianry.[3]
  • And some boring old stuff in Philadelphia having something to do with a bell and Independence Hall or something
  • If you really want to overdose on Civil War stuff, there's always Gettysburg
  • If you have a thing for large rodents, Punxsutawney is noted on a certain other wiki for having a groundhog as its most famous resident.

[edit] Really weird tourist attractions

Pennsylvania is also the location of a particularly disgusting heathen festival of debauchery and wanton revelry known as Anthrocon.

Also, don't miss the 30000 pounds of mashed bananas on the road into Scranton.[4]

For a good example of a "WTF?"-variety human interest story, consider the rather odd mock terrorism raid that a eastern PA Pentecostal church staged which resulted in all sorts of fun legal stuff for the church and the youth pastor who was the main instigator of the incident. And all for the sake of showing "what some missionaries deal with because of their faith", no less.[5][6]

[edit] Really weird pronunciations

Reading is pronounced "Redding". Lancaster is "LANKister". Schuylkill County is "Skookul County". Pittsburgh is often "PICKSburgh". Wilkes-Barre is pronounced "Wilkesberry" or "Wilk's Bar" or about a dozen other ways, even by the locals, and may even be pronounced three or four different ways by the same person in the same conversation. Dubois is "Do Boys". Latrobe is "Lay-trobe". The Juniata River is often mispronounced "Juanita" by tourists, which is Spanish for "I'm not from around here."

There are varying accents in Pennsylvania due to the wide variety of environments. The middle of the state is mostly country and rural areas and talk as such. The cities on the borders (Pittsburgh and Philadelphia) often use urban dialect and in Philly's case gave the people of New Jersey their accents.

Yes, Philadelphia's light rail is called SEPTA. No septic reference implied.

[edit] Philly

Philadelphia is Pennsylvania's biggest city, that was once the most important city in the United States; it was even the capital for a bit. Now, it's just known for the following:

  • Cheesesteaks (however, those cheesesteaks are damned tasty.)
  • The slums where Rocky Balboa used to live
  • Liberty BellA bell with a big crack
  • Being the adopted home of Benjamin Franklin
  • Sports fans who will boo everything and everybody, including little girls that sing the national anthem and Santa Claus
  • Some guy who runs around the local baseball stadium while wearing a green shag carpet suit.

Today, it's mostly remembered as a crime-ridden place to avoid. This is ironic, since Philadelphia is also known as the "city of brotherly love."[7](Although, they will boo Santa Claus.) These days, though, the charm of the decaying crime-ridden Philly is being replaced with hipsters. Insatiable, insatiable hipsters as they spread their tentacles from Northern Liberties to...everywhere.

[edit] See also

[edit] Footnotes

  1. Ohio, Maryland, New York, New Jersey, Delaware, and West Virginia, in this case.
  2. In full, Boston-New York City-Philadelphia-Baltimore-Washington D.C.
  3. Seriously, this is the Mos Eisley Space Port of the interstate highway system. For some reason I-70 ends without ever actually intersecting with I-76 so you have to drive through the town to get from one to the other. The town is a collection of truck stops, greasy spoons, fast food joints, cheap motels, tacky gift shops, some Trust Jesus graffiti, and a fireworks stand to the south. Nobody appears to actually live there. The infamy is such that the term "breezewood" has passed into general usage to refer to any such place that only exists because of a gap between two interstate highways. For added fun, turn on the CB when in Breezewood and you will never fail to hear something to amuse or scare even the most jaded personality.
  4. Chapin, H. F. (1974) "30000 Pounds of Bananas", Verities and Balderdash.
  5. Pastor Indicted for False Imprisonment, Kidnapping.Dispatches from the Culture Wars
  6. Charges filed against pastor in mock terrorism raid at Lower Swatara church, pennlive.com
  7. This is derived from the origin of the city's name. In Ancient Greek, philos refers to love or friendship, and adelphos means brother.
Personal tools
Namespaces

Variants
Actions
Navigation
Community
Tools
support