Rhode Island

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This article is extremely biased due to having been written by a Masshole.

Rhode Island is the smallest state in the United States, founded in the 1630s by Roger Williams because of religious repression in the Bay Colony. It also has the longest official name of any U.S. state: Rhode Island and Providence Plantations; there may be some compensation at work here. Contrary to popular belief, Rhode Island is in fact not an island, though in Narragansett Bay there is an island which -- no, it's not actually called Rhode Island, but it was described in the early days of the colony as resembling the island of Rhodes.

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[edit] Demographics

It has the largest per capita proportion of Catholic residents and Italian-American residents in the United States, and despite being so close to Boston that it's essentially one giant outlying suburb, it has quite a distinct identity and culture. (For example, while people from Massachusetts live and breathe local politics, Rhode Islanders tend to avoid it due to being plagued with a long string of corrupt oddballs in public office.)

[edit] Geography type stuff

Rhode Island's capital is Providence, a small post-industrial port city at the head of Narragansett Bay, known primarily for (in no particular order):

  • Top-notch restaurants
  • Strip clubs
  • Scuzzy neighborhoods abutting a breathtakingly beautiful downtown
  • Grilled pizza
  • Strip clubs
  • Sweet bread (the Portuguese kind, not the cow brain kind)
  • Hipsters
  • Hipster strip clubs
  • Hipster pizza strips (those bakery ones without cheese)
  • Lemonade that is frozen and has chunks of rind in it
  • Serving caffeine in kids' lunches via coffee milk (like chocolate milk, but with coffee syrup)
  • Several highly esteemed educational institutions [1]
  • Mafiosi
  • Wes' Rib House
  • An incredibly corrupt, yet ever-popular, (ex-)mayor who instituted a fast-track "gun court" to fight violent crime.
  • Strip clubs.
  • Quahog clams, clam cakes, clam juice
  • James Woods
  • A dancing cop
  • A mobile diner that drives around Providence
  • The highest point in the state being a landfill

Other important municipalities in Rhode Island include:

  • Pawtucket, home of the Hasbro toy company and the Boston Red Sox' AAA farm team (pronounced PUHtucket, not PAWtucket Seth MacFarlane)
  • Woonsocket, home of CVS/Pharmacy and a large French Canadian population.
  • Warwick, home of the TF Green airport, the choice destination for Boston travelers who don't want to deal with Logan in Boston.
  • Newport, home of lots of really rich people with astonishingly beautiful houses, and host of annual music festivals.
  • Also, Quahog, a small town north of Providence that doesn't technically exist.

[edit] Local flavor

Residents of Little Rhody are known for several things -- unusual names for foods ("cabinet" for what non-New Englanders call a "milkshake" and what is properly known as a "frappe"), a delightful beverage called coffee milk (exactly what it says on the tin), unusual local sports (like duckpin bowling), and just generally being sort of like people from Massachusetts but not. Try the johnnycakes -- they're awesome.

The Rhode Island accent is unique for being equal parts Boston and New York, with a heavy dose of Chicago vowels.

Prostitution was legal in Rhode Island (the only other U.S. state where this is the case being Nevada); however operating a brothel, pimping and soliciting on the street or from a motor vehicle are illegal in Rhode Island so prostitutes had to find novel ways to drum up legal business. Technically, prostitution is only illegal if any portion of it occurs outdoors; in this connection, it is noteworthy that most strip clubs in Providence abut cheap motels. Also, that thing about "nothing really happens in the VIP room"? Tell that to a Rhodie -- you might get a couple of drinks out of it.

It is almost impossible to insult Rhodies qua Rhodies. Everything an outsider might use in such an attempt — the driving habits that terrify stray Bostonians, the accent that makes many Rhodies sound like legbreakers, the famously corrupt politics, the population density of strip clubs and hipsters — is something Rhodies take as a point of pride. This is a place where "Keep Olneyville Beautiful" is a slogan. You could, however, ask them if they're from Hartford.

[edit] Footnotes

  1. Brown University, Providence College, and the Rhode Island School of Design.
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