Richard M. Nixon

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If the right people had been in charge of Nixon's funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los Angeles. He was a swine of a man and a jabbering dupe of a president. Nixon was so crooked that he needed servants to help him screw his pants on every morning. Even his funeral was illegal. He was queer in the deepest way. His body should have been burned in a trash bin.
Hunter S. Thompson[1]

Richard Milhous "Tricky Dick" Nixon (January 9, 1913 – April 22, 1994) was an American criminal and President of the United States from 1969-1974. Nixon's vice-president was Spiro Agnew, until he resigned due to breakin' laws. Agnew was succeeded by Nixon's nominee, then-Representative Gerald Ford. Ford then succeeded Nixon as president when he resigned for breakin' laws. Then Ford simply pardoned Nixon for any and all crimes he may or may not have committed, to prevent Nixon from being punished for his criminal acts he may or may not have committed. It's all very straightforward constitutional logic, really. He is the only man to be twice elected to both the Vice Presidency and the Presidency, and the only President to resign the office.

Several years prior to his tenure as president, he served as Dwight D. Eisenhower's vice-president for eight years. Nixon ran twice for President: he lost to JFK largely because he refused to wear makeup[2] ("For fags") and looked like roadkill on national television, though the results were tight enough that ballot stuffing in Illinois played a role. He ran a second time against LBJ RFK McCarthy McGovern a last-minute replacement named Humphrey, and won, with the help of "moderate" Democrats who refused to call it quits in 'Nam.

Despite (or because of) being re-elected in one of the biggest landslides in American history, he did not disband his "Committee to Re-Elect the President" (CREEP), using them to carry out various skullduggeries against real and imagined enemies.[3] Many of these so-called "ratfuckers" were crazies themselves: burnouts like Howard Hunt and Egil Krogh spoke of controlled agents and seeing Soviets behind every tree.[4][5] Ironically, it wasn't until Nixon buried the hatchet with Red China and the Soviets that people started to see his paranoia for what it really was.

Interestingly enough, Nixon was a Quaker, thereby proving once and for all that Quakerism is a religion of peace.[citation NOT needed]

Contents

[edit] Politics

The President wants me to argue that he is as powerful a monarch as Louis XIV, only four years at a time, and is not subject to the processes of any court in the land except the court of impeachment.
—James D. St. Clair, Tricky Dick's own attorney, in United States v. Nixon. (Yes, this is how bad it was.)

Nixon was a typical mid-20th century American conservative, which is to say that he made appeals to conservative sentiments while using tools like enactment of wage and price controls to try to reduce inflation. He was also a rabid anti-communist. Oddly, given some of the achievements below, he would probably be considered a card-carrying pinko by the standards of the present-day Republican Party.

[edit] Chicanery

Nixon won in 1968 by threading the needle between the Rockefellers, Fords, and Reagans. That was the beginning of a streak for the GOP that resulted in 7/10 Presidential victories,[note 1] and the GOP finally taking over Congress for the first time in the 90s since before FDR. So, in a weird way, Douthat is right:[6] the GOP really could use a unifying figure like Nixon. And physical similarities don't count.

RMN formulated and perfected his so-called "Southern strategy," which used a barely-coded racism as a wedge issue to persuade naturally Democratic blue-collar voters in the Bible Belt to vote for the GOP. This strategy has continued to be a major force in US presidential elections, with a heavy dose of religious fundamentalist issues gradually added to the racism. Thanks, asshole.

[edit] Asia

Nixon's secret plan to end the war was first outlined in a 1967 Foreign Affairs magazine piece entitled "Asia After Vietnam."[7] Nixon proposed welcoming "China back into the world community" by seeking to make changes through dialogue[8] and stated that U.S. involvement in Vietnam was "proof that communism is not necessarily the wave of Asia's future."

During the 1968 Paris Peace talks, Nixon and Secretary of State Henry Kissinger assumed the roles of good-cop-bad-cop. Kissinger played the "reasonable" front man in the negotiations, trying to restrain Nixon back in Washington.[9] One night in a drunken stupor when Kissinger called to report a lack of progress, Nixon is reported to have said "we gotta nuke 'em, Henry."[10]

Nixon is responsible for the massive aerial bombardment of Cambodia that drove its peasantry into the waiting arms of the Khmer Rouge, launched the War on Drugs, cancelled the last Apollo lunar missions and scaled back the American space program. In the Russian Wheat Deal of 1972 he traded wheat for Jewish immigrants held hostage in the Soviet Union.[11]

[edit] Achievements

Does he look trustworthy at all?

Under Nixon, many groundbreaking steps were taken in the US:

  • A legendary card shark. Tricky Dick made a fortune playing poker during the war, which he used to buy a seat in the House of Representatives.
  • Signed OSHA (Occupational Safety and Health Administration) into law, and was the first to argue for what is now known as the Affordable Care Act.[12]
  • The EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) was also created.
  • Went to China — because only Nixon could go to China — where Mao Zedong was impressed by Kissinger's sexual exploits.
  • Eventually ended the Vietnam War, but only after prolonging it unnecessarily (see below).
  • Ended the last vestiges of the gold standard.
  • Called hippies "jobless bums."
  • Referred to the Peace Corps and State Dept. Foreign Service as "cookie pushers and faggots in striped pants."
  • Spent his spare time writing piano concertos.[13]
  • Developed a hilarious speaking style. Arooo!
  • Ended the last vestiges of Apartheid in the South.
  • Created Amtrak, though his intention was to shut it down as soon as possible because it was "inefficient" oops.

[edit] Underachievements

In the fall of 1972 President Nixon announced that the rate of increase of inflation was decreasing. This was the first time a sitting president used the third derivative to advance his case for reelection.
Hugo Rossi[wp]

Nixon is also famous for getting things horribly wrong:

  • Escalating Johnson's disastrous war in Vietnam to the point of carpet-bombing neighboring countries. (What's this doing on the Underachievements? It would have worked if only the goshdurned libruhls had been willing to fund it and maybe let him use a few nukes.)
    • Let's just mention Vietnam one more time: in 2013, it was revealed that LBJ knew Nixon deliberately sabotaged the Paris Peace talks, but abstained from telling anyone because a) he thought Hubert Humphrey (the Democratic nominee and his own VP) would be too "soft" on the war, and b) it would suggest to the public that the FBI and NSA were bugging ambassadors' phones.[14] Thanks to both of their efforts, Southeast Asia has a headcount millions less than what it should be today, and is still not free of communist influence.
  • Invading both Cambodia and Laos, despite both public disapproval and the strong resistance of military and diplomatic officials. These actions resulted in tens of thousands of immediate deaths, massive protests at home, and set the stage for future atrocities in Southeast Asia.
  • The "madman theory" (quoted below) which led Nixon, in October 1969, to mobilize the Air Force and threaten to nuke the Soviet Union unless they helped America end the Vietnam War.[15] It didn't work.
  • In cancelling the Apollo program, Nixon confined humans to the Earth and its orbital space. Aliens could not have imposed a quarantine on our species more effectively.
  • Creating his infamous "enemies list."[16]
  • Hiring and protecting too many not-too-bright thugs to work for his administration.
  • Twice tried appointing segregationist judges to the Supreme Court, Clement Haysworth and G. Harrold Carswell, both of whom were smacked down by the Senate. Both men were so racist and incompetent that even Republicans refused to vote for them.

On a side note, in 1969, he wanted to cut the funding for PBS in half, which would have resulted in several beloved TV shows not getting the funding they needed to continue. He was stopped by none other than Mr. Rogers himself, possibly the nicest man to ever live, when he attended the senate hearing about it, talked about his show, and even sang lyrics from one of his songs. Two years later, congress increased PBS funding to $22 million.

Nixon also made a lasting impact on the study of international relations by creating and perfecting the "madman theory" of diplomacy. The basic idea was to make the rest of the world think you are absolutely bonkers, so that they will always let you get your way (the idea being that a madman would be liable to do anything if his anger is aroused).[17] This drew quite heavily on existing literature (particularly the deterrence literature produced by Thomas Schelling), and in his case, it seemed to work really well.

Ronald Reagan perfected this strategy in later years, but it didn't work quite so well when the shrub tried the same thing. On the other hand, North Korea uses this tactic effectively all the time.

[edit] Personal affectations and grooming

I have come to believe that our natures are so predetermined that Nixon could do no other than be his uneasy self, committed to mischief, acting and talking like a sleepwalker in a surreal dream: "American troops have just entered Cambodia. This is not an invasion." More to the point, the fact that so few Americans ever noted the chasm between his words and deeds was always proof to me that he was, in a curious way, the quintessential American, indifferent to — when aware of — cause and effect, acting only to further his own career, which meant that he was sometimes capable of doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.
Gore Vidal eulogizes Nixon, Point to Point Navigation

Nixon was a sweaty, smelly, hard-drinking, vindictive, bitter, paranoid, foulmouthed anti-Semite[18] who suffered from heavy beard growth and a raging inferiority complex. At the very time that overt antisemitism was beginning to vanish from mainstream American culture, Richard Nixon was the most profoundly antisemitic president in U.S. history. In the Nixon tapes, he repeatedly accuses American Jews of placing "Jewish interests" before American ones, an almost verbatim reuse of one of 19th-century Europe's most pernicious anti-Semitic canards.

Nixon's obsession with the Evil Jew was just part of a profoundly paranoid personality that saw vast, byzantine conspiracies lurking everywhere. It is ironic (but predictable) that such a committed conspiracy theorist was responsible for some of the most outrageous conspiracies ever perpetrated in American politics. He combined his conspiracism with a rash, callous attitude towards war: At one point, Henry Kissinger had to talk him out of nuking North Vietnam.

That such a subtle monster was elected to the world's highest office speaks volumes about the self-image of Americans.

[edit] Nixon's apology

[edit] Awesome quotes

Spy microphones disguised as Chapstick tubes, uncovered in a White House safe. (Nope, nothing creepy about that.)

A little sampling that tells you just how insane Nixon was. Ladies and gentlemen, the former steward of the world's second-largest nuclear arsenal!

  • "I still think we ought to take the North Vietnamese dikes out now. Will that drown people? ... No, no, no, I'd rather use the nuclear bomb. Have you got that, Henry? ... The nuclear bomb, does that bother you?. I just want you to think big, Henry, for Christsakes. The only place where you and I disagree is with regard to the bombing. You’re so goddamned concerned about civilians, and I don’t give a drat. I don’t care."
  • "I call it the Madman Theory, Bob (Haldeman). I want the North Vietnamese to believe I've reached the point where I might do anything to stop the war. We'll just slip the word to them that, "for God's sake, you know Nixon is obsessed about communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry—and he has his hand on the nuclear button" and Ho Chi Minh himself will be in Paris in two days begging for peace."
  • "You won't have Dick Nixon to kick around any more."
  • "I am not a crook."
  • "[Expletive deleted]"
  • "When the President does it, it's not illegal."
  • "When the American people look at you they see what they want to be; when they look at me they see what they are."[19]
  • "Sock it to me?"[20]

[edit] Jews

  • "Fucking Jew-bastards everywhere!"
  • "The Jewish cabal is out to get me."
  • "You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana are Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists."[21]
  • "Many Jews in the Communist conspiracy. Chambers and Hiss were the only non-Jews. Many thought that Hiss was. He could have been a half. Every other one was a Jew--and it raised hell for us. But in this case, I hope to God he's not a Jew."[22]
  • "The Jews are irreligious, atheistic, immoral bunch of bastards."
  • "But, Bob, generally speaking, you can't trust the bastards. They turn on you. Am I wrong or right?[23]
  • "As long as I'm sitting in the chair, there's not going to be any Jew appointed to that court."
  • "Anybody who is Jewish cannot handle [the Middle East]. Even though Henry’s, I know, as fair as he can possibly be, he can’t help but be affected by it. You know, put yourself in his position. Good God! You know, his people were crucified over there. Jesus Christ! And five million of them, popped into bake ovens! What the hell does he feel about all this?"[24]
  • "They put the Jewish interest above America's interest and it's about goddamn time that the Jew in America realizes he's an American first and a Jew second."[25]
  • "Goddamn his Jewish soul!".[25]
  • "[Jews want] peace at any price except where support for Israel is concerned. The best Jews are actually the Israeli Jews."

[edit] Black people

  • "There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white. Or a rape.
  • "I have the greatest affection for them [Negroes] but I know they're not going to make it for 500 years. They aren't. You know it, too. The Mexicans are a different cup of tea. They have a heritage. At the present time they steal, they're dishonest, but they do have some concept of family life. They don't live like a bunch of dogs, which the Negroes do live like."
  • "Screw [the Department of] State! State's always on the side of the blacks. The hell with them!
  • "Blacks can’t run Jamaica. Nowhere, and they won’t be able to for a hundred years, and maybe not for a thousand.[25]

[edit] Gays

  • "The Bohemian Grove, which I attend from time to time — it is the most faggy goddamned thing you could ever imagine."
  • "I don't mind the homosexuality. I understand it. Nevertheless, goddamn, I don't think you glorify it on public television, homosexuality, even more than you glorify whores. We all know we have weaknesses. But, goddammit, what do you think that does to kids? You know what happened to the Greeks! Homosexuality destroyed them. Sure, Aristotle was a homo. We all know that. So was Socrates."
  • "You know what happened to the Romans? The last six Roman emperors were fags. Neither in a public way. You know what happened to the popes? They were layin' the nuns; that's been goin' on for years, centuries. But the Catholic Church went to hell three or four centuries ago. It was homosexual, and it had to be cleaned out. That's what's happened to Britain. It happened earlier to France. Let's look at the strong societies. The Russians. Goddamn, they root 'em out. They don't let 'em around at all [...] Homosexuality, dope, immorality, are the enemies of strong societies."
  • "Let me say something before we get off the gay thing. I don’t want my views misunderstood. I am the most tolerant person on that of anybody in this shop. They have a problem. They’re born that way. You know that. That’s all. I think they are. Anyway, my point is, though, when I say they’re born that way, the tendency is there. [But] my point is that Boy Scout leaders, YMCA leaders, and others bring them in that direction, and teachers. And if you look over the history of societies, you will find, of course, that some of the highly intelligent people . . . Oscar Wilde, Aristotle, et., etc., etc., were all homosexuals. Nero, of course, was, in a public way, in with a boy in Rome."[24]

[edit] Quotes about him

  • "The illegal we do at once; the unconstitutional takes a little longer." --Henry Kissinger,[26] parodying the Army Corps of Engineers motto
  • "Nixon is the weirdest man to have ever lived in the White House." --White House Chief of Staff H.R. Haldeman.[27]
  • "My God, if I had done everything Richard Nixon told me to do, I'd probably be in Leavenworth today!" --Gen. Alexander Haig[27]
  • "Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in." --Harry Truman
  • "He’s like a Spanish horse who runs faster than anyone for the first nine lengths and then turns around and runs backwards. You’ll see; he’ll do something wrong in the end. He always does." --Lyndon Johnson, 1969
  • "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." --James Reston[28]

[edit] See also

[edit] Nixon's merry band of shysters

[edit] Videos

[edit] Notes

  1. And the other three were hardly huge FDR or Johnson-style mandates for liberalism: Clinton won by pulling an Eisenhower in reverse and Carter got in, just barely, thanks to Watergate and the pardon.

[edit] Footnotes

  1. He Was a Crook, The Atlantic, 1 May 1994
  2. Matthews, Christopher, "JFK outfoxed Nixon", Washington Examiner (10/6/96 4pm).
  3. Mehren, Elizabeth, "'Insanity' in Nixon's White House", L.A. Times 2.18.03. Howard Dean: "I had not been trained as a criminal lawyer, to become counsel to the president. I realized later it was essential."
  4. TIME, 8.27.63. Hunt told Time that his break-in of Daniel Ellsberg's office was an attempt to find out whether Ellsberg "might be a controlled agent for the Sovs."
  5. Hersh, Seymour, "Kissinger and Nixon in the White House", The Atlantic (1982). Krogh: "We were going after an espionage ring, not just Daniel Ellsberg... We didn't know if there were spies all over this country at that point..."
  6. Douthat, [http://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/opinion/sunday/searching-for-richard-nixon.html "Searching for Richard Nixon", New York Times 11.22.15
  7. Asia After Viet Nam, Foreign Affairs, Richard M. Nixon, October 1967.
  8. Raymond L. Garthoff. Détente and Confrontation: American-Soviet Relations from Nixon to Reagan. Brookings Institution Press, January 1994, pp. 242-243. (Oddly, G. Gordon Liddy had once proposed blowing up the Brookings Institution.)
  9. Schwartz, William A., and Charles Derber, et al. The Nuclear Seduction: Why the Arms Race Doesn't Matter -- And What Does. Berkeley: University of California Press, 1990. Pg. 107. Quoted from H. R. Haldeman.
  10. Kissinger and Nixon in the White House, The Atlantic
  11. "...Jackson-Vanik amendment to the 1972 International Grain Agreement (IGA), or 'Russian Wheat Deal' negotiated by Richard Nixon and the Soviet Union which made for the first time by law a trade agreement contingent upon the fundamental human right of Soviet Jews to emigrate." [1]
  12. This is not a joke.
  13. Nixon and the Fifteen Democrats, everyone!
  14. The Lyndon Johnson tapes: Richard Nixon's 'treason', BBC
  15. Wikipedia entry on Operation Giant Lance
  16. List of White House 'Enemies', Facts on File
  17. Richard Nixon, The Real War, subchapter The "Hole Card", 1980.
  18. In Tapes, Nixon Rails About Jews and Blacks, The New York Times
  19. Nixon wandering the halls of the White House shitface drunk talking to the portraits of dead presidents the night before resignation. (Woodward and Bernstein, Final Days, p. 303)
  20. And so much more!
  21. http://web.archive.org/web/20060614124156/http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5079259/site/newsweek/
  22. Nixon, Haldeman, and Ronald Ziegler, 2:42-3:33 P.M. Oval Office Conversation #524-7; cassette #775 (17 June 1971)
  23. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/politics/daily/oct99/nixon6.htm
  24. 24.0 24.1 http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/2014/08/president-nixon-secret-white-house-tapes
  25. 25.0 25.1 25.2 http://www.thewire.com/politics/2013/08/some-new-comments-richard-nixon-subject-jews-and-blacks/68595/
  26. Transcript of secret meeting with Turkish Foreign Minister Mehli Esenbel, 3.10.75.
  27. 27.0 27.1 Doyle, William, Inside the Oval Office: The White House Tapes From FDR to Clinton (2002)
  28. Attributed by Joe Sharkey, The New York Times 3.12.2000
  29. Sullivan, Patricia, Obituary for Howard Hunt, WaPo 1.24.07.
  30. Transcripts from White House tapes, 4.7.71. Nixon: I think maybe Rumsfeld is not too long for this world. He's ready to jump ship. Haldeman: No, I don't think he's ready to jump ship. And I doubt if he ever would, just because it serves his interests more not to. But I sure don't think he's ever going to be a solid member of this ship. Unless it's floating high.
  31. Dean, John W., "Son of Nixon", Daily Beast 1.7.09.
  32. Stolberg, Sheryl Gray, "Rove Strategy Paper Found in Nixon Archive", NYT 7.14.07.
  33. Gorenfeld, John, Bad Moon Rising: How Reverend Moon Created the Washington Times, Seduced the Religious Right, and Built an American Kingdom, Polipoint Press, 2008. Exerpt.
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