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Rudolph Giuliani

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The kitten swallow 9/11.

Rudolph "Rudy" Giuliani[1] is a former Republican Mayor of New York City, one-time World Hero, and one of the more hopeless candidates in the 2008 Presidential election. Before 9/11, he was best-known for dressing up in drag locking John Gotti up and throwing away the key.

Like a bad case of groin rash, he resurfaces every 4 years to pontificate about America-haters.[2]

Mayorship[edit]

Essentially a fiscal conservative, but socially liberal on issues such as abortion and gay rights. (Giuliani started as a Democrat, and has been a Republican only since the 1980s.) Under his stewardship, the gentrification of New York City began in earnest. Giuliani told his officers to ramp up use of force against vagrants, street vendors, and streetwalkers, even arresting them for jaywalking.

He wasn't well liked and, after a string of sex scandals and the unprovoked shooting of Amadou Diallo — in which NYPD officers unloaded 41 bullets on an immigrant outside his home (all four officers walked) — he knew he would never be remembered as one of the great Mayors.

September 11th happened. Rudy was a media darling for a while,[3] and his book became a best-seller. Then he decided to run for President and remind everyone why they disliked him. Regrettably, his campaign was hijacked by the American Taliban, morphing him into a kind of proto-Palin. Since then, he's stopped talking sense altogether, endorsing all manner of far-right fundie nutcases.

Office-seeking[edit]

There are only three things he says in a sentence: A noun, a verb, and 9/11.
—Joe Biden

You kind of feel bad for him, because cancer took away a senate seat that should've been his. And the sad thing is, he could've been President if the election were held in the days after the WTC attacks. The proffered seat denied was what darkened Rudy's soul, and convinced him to milk 9/11 as the basis of his career.

It wasn't just the cancer that made him drop out of the senate race. He also had an affair with Judy Rankin and then publicly put his wife through the wringer in the divorce process.

Why he should never be president[edit]

Freedom is not a concept in which people can do anything they want, be anything they can be. Freedom is about authority. Freedom is about the willingness of every single human being to cede to lawful authority a great deal of discretion about what you do.[4][5]

This may be contrasted with Benjamin Franklin's famous quote:

"They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."[6]

During the 2008 campaign, Rudy wanted to use "Rudie Can't Fail" by The Clash as his theme song. A rudie is a "rude boy", Jamaican and British slang for young Jamaicans who are stereotyped as irresponsible hoodlums. "Rudie Can't Fail" is a punk-reggae song celebrating said irresponsible living.

Strategy[edit]

His strategy for the election was to do nothing until Florida voted. And crowing about how he single-highhandedly saved the world on 9/11. (Continuously.) Unfortunately, that didn't work at all.[7] In fact, it ended up with Giuliani becoming one of the first candidates to drop from the race, which he did on January 30, 2008. Moral: Don't ignore Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada, Wyoming, and South Carolina, even if they are the "flyovers."

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here[edit]

After dropping out, Giuliani endorsed McCain, possibly to try and angle for the VP slot (which didn't happen). Later, in a feeble attempt to try for both President and Vice-President, Giuliani and another also-ran decided to make trouble at the Democratic National Convention:[8] They established an on-site "war room" to grab media attention and spew nonsense about the Obama campaign. Just like their respective campaigns, this was a laughable failure.

That which is not alive cannot die[edit]

So when [Trump] first announced it, he said, "Muslim ban." He called me up. He said, "Put a commission together. Show me the right way to do it legally."
—Giuliani[9]

Giuliani never gives up, evidenced by the fact that it was possible to contribute to his 2008 primary bid some time after the election.[10] It remains possible as of 2010 As of May 12, 2011, it seems that his primary bid website is finally offline, in the sense of "the server's still there but empty of content." As of 2015, it is no longer a website.

Ghoulinani's name came up in speculations about Trump's pick for Attorney General, or even Secretary of State. They have Rudy on tape talking about having tricks up their sleeve and laughing maniacally, two days before the FBI letter blew Hillary Clinton's campaign out of the water.[11] In addition, Rudy has Putin connections.[12] Trump didn't appreciate Rudy almost blowing their cover and gave him the axe. "It didn't work out," said Rudy, wistfully looking at a phone which never rings.[13]

Well, at least he's not keeping Rudy on in a "cybersecurity" job — excuse me? [whispers] ...what? [whispers] Oh for fuck's sake.[14]

See also[edit]

Videos[edit]

External links[edit]

References[edit]

United States 2008 presidential election articles on RationalWiki
Topics: Debate:Religious beliefs and public office - Mission accomplished - Same-sex marriage - United States Electoral College - Values Voter Debate 2007

Parties: Constitution Party - Democratic Party - Green Party - Libertarian Party - Republican Party
Candidates: Baldwin (Con) - Brownback (R) - Clinton (D) - Giuliani (R) - Huckabee (R) - Keyes (R) - McCain (R) - McKinney (Green) - Obama (D) - Paul (R) - Romney (R) Running mates: Biden (D) - Palin (R)
Winner: Barack Obama