Bronze-level articleRonald Reagan

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Beware the evil universal healthcare, America!
Someday, it might be worthwhile to find out how images are created, and even more worthwhile to learn how false images come into being.
—The horse's mouth[1]

Saint Ronald Wilson Reagan, aka. Grandpa Caligula, Teflon Ron, or Ronnie Raygun (February 6, 1911 – June 5, 2004) was a god among men B-movie actor with a long career.

If you want to know how the United States transformed into an international laughingstock in the course of 30 years, here's a pretty good place to start.

Contents

[edit] Acting career

The Gipper promotes the good ol' fashioned American value of smoking. Oh, what's that in your lung?

His most famous roles include violating the "never play across from an animal" dictum in Bedtime for Bonzo, acting in Army promotional films during World War II, his part as "The Gipper" in some dumb football movie, and playing President of the United States for eight years in the 1980s.

He also played the President of the Screen Actor's Guild, during which time he orchestrated one of the guild's largest strikes (which resulted in actors receiving higher royalties and residuals[2]) and did a stint appearing as the Governor of the state of California (but who hasn't?). Oddly enough, despite being SAG president, he was a zealous union buster, who de-fanged American organized labour, cast them as lazy pinko thugs and sent them into a downward spiral that continues to this day, tearing apart wages as it went.[3] Apparently, the noble and hard-working actor needs a union, whereas the miner, factory worker and air traffic controller does not.

[edit] War hero?

Ronnie claimed more than once that he was present during the daring liberation of a Nazi concentration camp.[4] He was actually describing a Hollywood film.[5]

[edit] Assassination attempt

In 1981, John Hinckley shot Reagan in an ultimately unsuccessful attempt to impress Jodie Foster and Hinckley has spent his time since then in the booby hatch. Foster has not visited him, and has since come out as a lesbian. It's worth mentioning that this made Reagan the president who broke the Curse of Tippecanoe (which means Dubya probably owes him a life debt).

[edit] A sterling record of fiscal conservatism

Federal debt during the Reagan years: Small gummint at work

When it came to the federal budget, Reagan held the record for most spending by a conservative until Dubya came along. He ran up the debt to a height unseen since World War II, blowing an especially large load of dough on the SDI program. Reagan also founded the Church of Tax Cuts by accident. In the early '80s, he implemented his trickle-down scheme with a massive tax cut, much of which went to those poor ol' rich folk. However, he raised taxes later in his administration a number of times. The current Republican Party has erased that last part from memory... as well as all those record deficits.

Those in denial will try to paint Congress as the "profligate spenders" who wouldn't let St. Ronnie have his fiscally conservative way. Right on that "not having his way" part, he often wanted to spend more than Congress. Whoops.[6]
Not to mention the unprecedented bailout of the Savings and Loan industry, which was only eclipsed by the bailout following the 2008 banking crisis. Following deregulation of the S&Ls earlier in the decade, new S&Ls popped up like crazy and created a mini-housing bubble. In 1987, Reagan replaced the retiring Federal Reserve chairman Paul Volcker, one of the more sane and level-headed chairs in Fed history (whom the President relied on for stamping out inflation), with Alan Greenspan, now remembered as one of the biggest airheads in Fed history.[7]

Greenspan promptly swooped in to save failing thrifts with easy money in conjunction with Reagan's big bailout after a wave of S&L failures. This managed to prop up enough zombie institutions to create a ticking time bomb that Reagan pawned off on George H. W. Bush. The S&L industry exploded again under Bush after an oil shock and market crash. Ultimately, the S&L scandals led to over 1,000 indictments by the time it all blew over. Economist JK Galbraith said of it:

In its shortest form, the scandal has been the extensive looting of the savings and loan associations, the looting being effectively that of government-supplied money. The total take is not yet known; it will certainly be upward of $200 billion, maybe much more, or several thousand dollars for every tax-paying American family. The golden misadventures of General and President Ulysses S. Grant and the greatly celebrated Teapot Dome peculations of Harry F. Sinclair and Albert B. Fall, duly adjusted for changing currency values, are microscopic in comparison.[8]

[edit] Foreign policy switcheroo

Freedom and democracy will leave Marxism and Leninism on the ash heap of history.
—The little comment that led to the worst nuclear confrontation since the Cuban Missile Crisis.[9] Whoops.

Reagan is probably most remembered today for using his Reagan Smash to destroy the Soviet Union. Or so conservatives would have you believe.[10]

In reality, after his near-disastrous "evil empire" rhetoric and attempts to heat up a new arms race, Reagan actually worked closely with Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev... which many Republicans at the time blasted him for.[11] We don't negotiate with terr'ists commies. The Soviet Union was already collapsing under its own weight[wp] and the death of Leonid Brezhnev, coupled with the collapse in OPEC oil prices (that Reagan had little to no control over[12]), opened up the way for liberalization when transitional leaders[wp] like Andropov and Chernenko died in quick succession.[13] Gorbachev, who was something of a Hail Mary attempt to keep the USSR together, started a new era of reform through glasnost and perestroika. Reagan managed to find himself in the right place at the right time and take advantage of this situation. One speech about a wall and voila, instant hero of the galaxy.

There was also the whole Lebanon debacle, which Republicans accused him of cutting-and-running from.

[edit] Other tomfoolery

With 138 officials implicated, the Reagan administration went down as one of the most corrupt in history.[14] The stuff that never stuck to Teflon Ron include:

  • Iran-Contra
  • Rigging HUD loans, for which 16 members of the White House and the Department of Housing and Urban Development were convicted.
  • St. Ronnie's Chief of Staff and Press Secretary were fined and probated for illegal lobbying activities.
  • "Sewergate," which funneled EPA money into Republican campaigns. Twenty EPA higher-ups were removed from office.
  • Inslaw Affair in which the Department of Justice was accused of pirating software. Never investigated.

Reagan was a particular favorite trope of celebrated futurist author J.G. Ballard. A chapter in his 1969 modernist novel The Atrocity Exhibition was entitled Why I Want To Fuck Ronald Reagan, and saw Ballard successfully prosecuted for obscenity in a UK court. The chapter was written as a kind bizarre public relations study from some crackpot think tank, and Ballard once had copies of it distributed to delegates at a Republican conference, who did not seem to realize it was a piece of satire. Considering what would come next, Ballard may have been a bit too early.

One of his more long-lasting actions was to appoint leaders of a conservative lobbying firm called ALEC into his White House Task Force on Federalism; the ALEC goons developed and implemented state policies that led to lower taxes and less regulation on businesses. Now in the bed of the Republican apparatus, ALEC won support from major corporate and individual donors, who pushed through their policies on the state level. Such policies advocated by ALEC include voter disenfranchisement, for-profit schools, private prisons, payday loan companies, Stand Your Ground bills, and restricting union influence. [15]

[edit] The Angel of Death

Sick unfortunates.
—What you definitely want the "leader of the free world" to say during a global health crisis.[16]

Reagan arguably helped cause the deaths of hundreds of thousands of American citizens — if not tens of millions of people worldwide — by vehemently ignoring the growth of a new epidemic that occurred during his time in office: AIDS.[17] He allowed Nelson Mandela, for no reason other than irrational hatred of black people, to be targeted as a terrorist threat,[18] and when Congress passed an anti-apartheid bill, he vetoed it, if for no other reason than to please racist donors.[19] (They would override his veto with a supermajority, the only time in the 20th century a foreign policy veto was quashed.[20]) And it would not be the only time he would pander to them.[21]

He saw it perfectly acceptable to support a plethora of bloodthirsty, murdering dictators and terrorists, so long as they were fighting his childish vendetta against those evil commies.[22] This involved playing pals with Augusto Pinochet in Chile, Saddam Hussein in Iraq (against Iran... the irony, it burns), Hosni Mubarak in Egypt, Jonas Savimbi in Angola, Efraín Ríos Montt in Guatemala, and the junta in El Salvador.[23] And he also authorized billions in cash and weapons in Afghanistan which got picked up by a fellow known to be the son of a man named Laden.

His bloodlust led to the budget cutting of non-military programs, including Medicaid, food stamps, federal education programs, and the EPA. While he protected entitlement programs, such as Social Security and Medicare, his administration attempted to purge many people with disabilities from the Social Security disability rolls, which is effectively a cut as well.

Murder — it has many faces, and is most ugly when its face is power.

[edit] Ascent to God's side

Shortly after his presidency Reagan began a long and (as with any) ugly battle with Alzheimer's disease, and in the last years before dying in 2004 made very few public appearances. Upon his death, a weeklong period of worldwide mourning occurred. All non-essential activities were curtailed so The People could weep for their fallen idol. In addition, any taxes due on income earned (or unearned) during that period were waived. The processions as his open casket was brought around the countryside would often stretch for tens of miles as well-wishers offered St. Reagan one final "Godspeed."

He was canonized upon the instant of his death, by popular acclamation.

[edit] WWRD?

Most American conservatives have a massive hard on for Reagan and his policies. Since Reagan was the neoconservative savior, anything he did was infallible, and his supporters sought to mimic his every move (a similar attitude these people have towards this guy). As a result every high-ranking Republican politician will always claim that they are Reagan's successor,[24] and plead that he would either endorse or support their positions. It's gotten so bad that Republican strategists believe it's singlehandedly suffocating the party.[25]

There's only one minor flaw with this strategy: Reagan won the presidency four decades ago. Although he would agree with some issues that modern conservatives have taken a stance on (e.g. abortion or gay rights), the fact remains that the world in 1980 was not the same as it is today (like the Soviet Union not existing).[26] Nonetheless, this minor temporal detail has not stopped various Republicans from claiming the mantle of being the Second Coming of Reagan.[27]

Ironically, the one person who could claim the title of "heir to Reagan" is his son Ronald Prescott Reagan — a liberal and an atheist who had a radio show on Air America Radio.

[edit] Reagan and astrology

Reagan's wife Nancy was obsessed with astrology (apparently the administration's "most closely guarded secret"[28]), and this brand of woo played a large role in the Reagan White House, even affecting the scheduling of the Reykjavik summit between Reagan and Gorbachev.[29] Strangely enough, this doesn't seem to have affected his support from the fundie base one jot or tittle.

[edit] Reagan's policies today

Hilariously, if Ronald Reagan were to run today he would probably be considered a RINO given his willingness to raise the capital gains tax to 28%, refrain from waving an axe at Social Security, be prodded into funding Japanese reparations,[30] pull out of Lebanon rather than 'stay the course,' and engage in diplomacy with the Soviets. He also supported, of all things, limited gun control,[31] an end to the use of torture,[32] and gave amnesty to millions of undocumented immigrants.

[edit] Quotes from (and about) the Great Communicator

"Facts are stupid things."

"All great change in America begins at the dinner table."

"You can tell a lot about a fella's character by whether he picks out all of one color or just grabs a handful." — explaining why he liked to have a jar of jelly beans on hand for important meetings.

"The Sound of Music was on last night." — on why he went unprepared for the 1983 Williamsburg Economic Summit.

"Within the covers of the Bible are the answers for all the problems men face." — on his Bible knowledge.

“It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.” — on why he didn't leave the profession.

"America's future rests in a thousand dreams inside your hearts; it rests in the message of hope in songs so many young Americans admire: New Jersey's own Bruce Springsteen. And helping you make those dreams come true is what this job of mine is all about." — on getting suckered.[33]

"My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."[34]

"Don't be afraid to see what you see."

"What would this country be without this great land of ours?"

"You expect to see Jim Henson behind a curtain going, 'You moved him too far! Move his arms!'" — Robin Williams on Reagan's character tics.

"He told me à propos Keynes that it must not be forgotten that he was a homosexual." — The British Ambassador to the US, explaining how Ronnie made his economic decisions.[35]

"You don't bury someone for five days...I thought that maybe they were burying him with spoons." — Lewis Black on Reagan's funeral procession.

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

[edit] Footnotes

  1. Reagan and Reality, The New York Times
  2. What Reagan Did for Hollywood, The Atlantic
  3. US/Canada comparison of productivity and compensation
  4. Bush lied about his military service, and so did Reagan, Salon
  5. In fairness, confabulation is not uncommon...
  6. Graph source: Government Printing Office numbers
  7. Seeds of its own destruction, Financial Times
  8. The Ultimate Scandal, New York Review of Books
  9. "The more experience I had with Soviet leaders and other heads of state who knew them, the more I began to realize that many Soviet officials feared us not only as adversaries but as potential aggressors who might hurl nuclear weapons at them in a first strike...if that was the case, I was even more anxious to get a top Soviet leader in a room alone and try to convince him we had no designs on the Soviet Union and Russians had nothing to fear from us." Then what was the point of your whole damn Doctrine?
  10. Reagan sleepy...
  11. Newt Gingrich is a particularly good example. He called Reagan's summit with Gorbachev "the most dangerous summit for the West since Adolf Hitler met with Chamberlain in 1938 at Munich."
  12. Ronald Reagan's son says his father got the Saudis to pump more oil to undercut USSR, PolitiFact
  13. You would expect conservatives to mention this more often. But no, "the greatness of American military power" is apparently a better argument than "the command economy was woefully inefficient all along."
  14. See the Wikipedia article on Reagan administration scandals.
  15. http://www.politico.com/story/2015/03/white-house-elizabeth-warren-reach-out-to-state-governments-115782.html#ixzz3TY9Zelse
  16. The 45 Biggest Homophobes of Our 45 Years, The Advocate
  17. Reagan's AIDS Legacy: Silence equals death, San Francisco Chronicle
  18. US government considered Nelson Mandela a terrorist until 2008, NBC (The administration's typical "He was a Marxist!" excuse could be seen straight through for what it was, even for Brian Mulroney.)
  19. His lies on the nature of apartheid would also pave the way for modern-day political fact-checking.
  20. "(You) will be judged harshly by history." - Desmund Tutu
  21. See Coit v. Green and the Civil Rights Restoration Act veto.
  22. Our Man in Africa, Foreign Policy
  23. Reagan dramatically increased military aid to El Salvador as the country's regular security forces and officially sanctioned government death squads killed thousands annually. Reagan also circumvented a 1977 arms embargo to send material support to the government in Guatemala, which was committing atrocities similar to those in neighboring El Salvador. Famously immortalized in a U2 song.
  24. Tax Ronald Reagan!
  25. "Ronald Reagan is dead and they need to accept it."
  26. "On Foreign Policy, Conservatives Should Leave Ronald Reagan Behind", Outside the Beltway (And this is relatively kind.)
  27. For another good example of crap like this (pay careful attention to Mitt Romney).
  28. Joan Quigley, Astrologer to a First Lady, Is Dead at 87, The New York Times
  29. Good Heavens!, CNN, May 16, 1988.
  30. Civil Liberties Act of 1988, Densho Encyclopedia
  31. His own words
  32. Message to the Senate Transmitting the Convention Against Torture and Inhuman Treatment or Punishment, UC Santa Barbara
  33. The best-placed irony.
  34. His statement was later dubbed onto a rap record by Jerry Harrison and Bootsy Collins.
  35. Reagan and Keynes: The Love that Dare Not Speak its Name, The New Yorker
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