Ted Cruz
“”The chief of the wacko birds.
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| —John McCain[2] |
Ted Cruz is a Canadian-American Senator from Alberta[3] representing Texas, a gibbering Tea Party nut, and a fringe candidate for the 2016 Republican Party presidential nomination. He also looks (and behaves) uncomfortably like Joseph McCarthy.
Like other Republican congressmen from said state, he's an obnoxious wingnut on every social and economic issue. Unlike them, he has become a leading light in the absurdist wing of the GOP. (For Democrats, he's the gift that keeps on giving.) Prior to his election to the Senate, from 2003-2008 Cruz served as Solicitor General of Texas under Governor Rick Perry.
As a Senator, Tailgunner Ted came to prominence during the party's efforts to obstruct Obamacare by near-singlehandedly attempting to blow up the world economy. His 21-hour filibuster[4] on the matter failed, but was interesting for its wanderings into... well, readings from Doctor Seuss don't often happen in Congress,[5] while Darth Vader impersonations are not unheard of in the Senate.[6] Yet ironically, he and his family has registered for Obamacare.
The first time he really made the news, however, was by just asking questions about whether or not the Secretary of Defence was taking money from North Korea.[7]
On 21 March 2015, Ted Cruz surprised everyone by becoming the first person to announce that he was going to run for President. We'll queue up some fitting songs to describe his campaign for you. Perhaps even more surprisingly, in the issue of global warming, Cruz, a denialist, compares himself to Galileo and his opponents to Flat Earthers.
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[edit] Utter horror
In 2015, in a truly horrifying nightmare-turned-real for science, he was appointed the new Head of the Senate Subcommittee for Science, Space, and Competitiveness. To put that in perspective, this is the man who said that net neutrality was "Obamacare for the internet," proving he knew nothing of either. And he has been placed in charge of the Senate subcommittee that deals with both. Start hammering out those rock spears and weaving those fur rags, boys! We're going back to the Stone Age!
He has now been appointed to oversee NASA. You may weep now. [8] Better yet, be outraged because someone blatantly ignorant has the authority to tell actual scientists and engineers what to do.
[edit] On his place of birth
Cruz is an immigrant who is opposed to immigration reform.[9] Cruz was born in Alberta, Canada, the son of batshit pastor Rafael Cruz,[10][11] a Cuban exile (and former child-soldier for Fidel Castro, really), and Eleanor Elizabeth Darragh, an American citizen.
Due in part to bitterness over birthers' claims about Barack Obama, some people have made some hay about Cruz's birth in Canada. Those pushing this should let this snowback know that he'll never ever be a true 100% American
knock it off — unless you're a Canadian having fun.[12]
And even then this joke gets old fast. As the child of an American citizen, he would be a "natural-born citizen," and eligible for the Presidency.[13][14] It's everything else that is questionable.
[edit] See also
- Deep cover liberal - Increasingly pondered.
- Ron Johnson
- Sarah Palin
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ Ted Cruz: The
ManchurianManitobanAlbertan candidate. - ↑ Ted Cruz and his ‘wacko birds’ bring Republican civil war to a head, National Post
- ↑ Even Albertans are embarassed of him, and Alberta is known as "Canada's Texas".
- ↑ Technically not a filibuster, just a waste of everybody's time.
- ↑ Ted Cruz Reads ‘Green Eggs and Ham’ on Senate Floor - And That’s Not the Weird Part, Time
- ↑ Ted Cruz Impersonates Darth Vader in 'Obamacare' Remarks, ABC News
- ↑ Senator
McCarthyCruz has also taken on "The Reds" at Harvard Law School, unapologetically, The New Yorker, February, 2013. - ↑ http://www.theverge.com/2015/1/11/7528337/senator-ted-cruz-nasa-subcommittee
- ↑ Ted Cruz pushes for vote on Obama orders, Politico
- ↑ The Six Craziest Quotes From Ted Cruz’s Father, Rafael Cruz, The Daily Beast
- ↑ Ted Cruz’s Father Suggests Placing Atheists in ‘Camps’
- ↑ I am not Canadan!
- ↑ Is Ted Cruz, born in Canada, eligible to run for president?, PolitiFact
- ↑ Is Ted Cruz, born in Canada, eligible to run for president? (Updated)