Types of people who go to Hell

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Balloons.svg The following contains an admixture of parody. This notice-box has been stuck here to prevent readers from suffering the sort of confusion to which Poe's Law refers.
So, why were rational thinkers left off? Aren't lesbians homosexuals too or did you just want to be doubly sure? And why are sports fans on there? Did God say, "Thou shalt not watch the Super Bowl"? And how exactly does one 'monger' a whore? Y'know what, let's just say the sign is messed up and leave it at that.
The same list after the Gospel is factored in.

Contents

[edit] What happens in Hell

Nobody can really make up their mind what happens in hell. Some say that their extremely benevolent and kind God condemns you to eternal torture; others say that it is absence from the presence of God; while yet others say that sod all happens in Hell due to its not actually existing.

[edit] Types Of People Who Go To Hell

Again, nobody can make their minds up. Most fundamentalists say that hell is reserved for amoral people. They can narrow this down into a few specific types of people:

  • Liberals (yes! they're the worst!)
  • Computer Hackers (Mark Shasha)
  • Democrats
  • Republicans RINOs
  • Drunkards
  • Murderers (unless they're republicans)
  • Rapists (unless rapist and victim are married)
  • Fornicators (unless they're fundamentalist ministers)
  • Adulterers (ditto)
  • Porn-lovers (unless they're fundamentalist ministers)
  • Masturbators (unless they're fundamentalist ministers)
  • Hypocrites (unless they're fundamentalist ministers)
  • Homosexuals (unless they're fundamentalist ministers)
  • Liars (unless they're fundamentalist ministers)
  • Thieves (unless they're fundamentalist ministers)
  • Perjurers (unless... ok, you get the point)
An angel throwing out the trash.
Detail from a Jack Chick tract.[1]
  • Sports Fans
  • Blasphemers
  • Money-lovers (unless they're fundamentalist ministers)
  • Pagans
  • Muslims
  • Critics of Israel
  • Jews
  • (This list entry removed due to a legal dispute by the Church of Scientology)
  • (This list entry removed due to a legal dispute by the Church of Latter Day Saints)
  • Prostitutes
  • Witches
  • Gamblers
  • Nazis (unless they're American Conservative fundamentalists)
  • Whoremongers
  • Child molesters
  • Pot smokers
  • Lesbians
  • Furries
  • Bronies
  • Psychics
  • People who have abortions
    • People who provide abortions
    • People who don't vote against abortions
    • Fetuses that were aborted
    • Fetuses that were miscarried (spontaneously aborted)
    • People who assist others to obtain or perform abortions
    • People who mention abortion as an option in counselling pregnant women, whether or not the women brought the subject up
    • People who think, abstractly, about having, performing, or assisting others to have or perform abortions
    • People who work, in any capacity, in connection with any clinic that performs abortions, whether or not they themselves are medical personnel, whether or not abortions make up more than 0.1% of a clinic's client services (no, the weekend janitor doesn't get off any lighter than the abortion-performing doctor)
  • Dead people
  • Atheists and other Heathen scum
  • Agnostics
  • The French
  • People who live in a country other than America
  • Evolution-believers
  • Transsexuals and anyone who likes them, loves them, or even just grants them the minimal human dignity of a safe place to pee
  • Non-Christians, like Gandhi
  • According to that nice sensible Jack Chick, you can go to hell for masturbation, - Well Jack Chick is old and can probably resist temptation. If he masturbated when young he has probably repented and asked God to forgive him.- Chick seems to think you get damned for drinking tea and taking an aspirin (although he didn't state in which order you have to do them to be eternally damned).
  • Christians that don't take their Bible literally enough.
  • Christians that go to a different church than they do God does.
  • 4channers/EDiots
  • You
  • Your brother
  • Your 2nd cousin
  • Your pet dog
  • Your 2nd cousin's pet dog
  • Your 2nd cousin's pet dog's groomer, her girlfriend, and her other girlfriend, and their pet dog
  • Goats
  • RationalWiki users like Anonymous User
  • Fundalist ministers
  • In short, anyone they disagree with

[edit] Who goes to hell part two

  • Anyone named in Jennie C. Riley's Harper Valley P.T.A. , the Beatles Lucy's in the in the Sky with Diamonds, or John Fred and his Playboy Band's Judy's in Disguise with Glasses
  • Anyone who refuses to kiss Hank's Arse

[edit] Who goes to hell part three

I forget what he did, but it's not as much fun as it looks.
Can you guess which one is the barrator?
This might be fun for a while, but after like a million years or so it gets really uncomfortable.

According to Dante (with special thanks to Gustave Doré's illustrations) the layers of Hell are (heading downwards) populated by : [1]

  • the lustful - you can do a lot worse. Also, the punishment sounds kind of cool. Lust ftw!
  • gluttons
  • the avaricious and prodigal
  • the irascible and the sullen
  • heretics
  • minotaurs, centaurs and harpies
  • suicides
  • blasphemers - most of us here
  • homosexuals
  • usurers
  • the deceitful
  • seducers
  • paramours and flatters
  • simoniacs - if you are not sure, look it up, but it ain't pretty and it is pretty much Republicans Democrats from here on down.
  • sorcerers
  • fortune tellers
  • barrators
  • hypocrites
  • thieves
  • evil counselors
  • schismatics
  • sowers of discord
  • forgers
    and in the last (lowest) circle we find
  • traitors
  • child molesters
  • people who talk in the theater

[edit] Who WON'T go to hell

Since its been pretty well established that just about everyone, their brother, their 2nd cousin, and their pet dog is destined to burn for all eternity (or freeze for all eternity, or... whatever the fundamentalists decide what happens in hell.) We thought it'd just be easier to list who isn't destined to an eternity of... whatever.

[edit] Footnotes

  1. Doré, Gustave, The Doré Illustrations for Dante's Divine Comedy. Dover Publications, NY, 1976
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