Vampire
| Can such things be? |
| The Twilight Zone |
Vampires are mythical undead creatures that want to suck your blood. Many people (primarily fifteen year-old girls) find vampires incredibly hawt. Some will go so far as to dress and almost act like them. Others (though apparently not everyone[1]) find the penetration aspect disconcerting. Very few vampires have been known to be whiny teenagers who sparkle in the sun.
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[edit] Origins and history
The modern concept of the cool vampire that women would actually want to have bite them probably stems originally from nineteenth century pulp novels like Varney the Vampire and Carmilla (the latter best known now for putting a lesbian twist on the genre).
Bram Stoker's Dracula, published in 1897, is the one most remembered nowadays, partly because of a highly successful stage adaptation and, later, Universal Pictures' famous 1931 film with Bela Lugosi.[2] Since the novel is in the public domain[3], it has since had numerous adaptations in film and television, ranging from the classy to the lurid to the comedic. The Castlevania video game series also has Dracula as the antagonist of several games.[4] A good number of modern adaptations tend to draw inspiration from two real-life figures that the character was allegedly based on: Vlad III the Impaler, a 15th century Wallachian duke who was famed for his campaigns against the Ottomans and his trademark execution method (both of which have made him something of a Romanian folk hero), and the "Blood Countess" Elizabeth Báthory, one of the most prolific serial killers in history, a Hungarian countess who murdered and bathed in the blood of hundreds of girls and young women to maintain her youth and beauty.[5]
For decades, Dracula was pretty much the vampire story. Even as late as the 1970s, the more "modern" vampire movies by the British studio Hammer Films were themselves new adaptations of the Count featuring many of Stoker's characters (or their descendants). While there did exist alternative takes on vampire mythology (such as Richard Matheson's I Am Legend, which also served as a precursor to the zombie story), most vampire stories looked chiefly to Stoker for inspiration. If somebody was talking about vampires, they were probably thinking of Dracula. That changed with the publication of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles series, starting with Interview with the Vampire in 1976. While vampires had had sex appeal well before then, Rice's books turned it up to erotic levels, while also answering the question of what happens when you put multiple bloodthirsty apex predators in the same room. The answer: a whole new genre known as "urban fantasy", in which vampires had entire societies separate from humanity, scheming against one another while treating humans like cattle. Love 'em or hate 'em, Rice's books sparked a new interest in vampire fiction in the '80s and '90s that reached across film, television, literature, and gaming.
Some might mention the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer here. To those who would dare do such a thing: shut your yapper.
Before Dracula, European vampires were something more akin to werewolves or zombies: the mythical undead danger in the forest. And rather icky.
Chinese vampires are an entirely different ball of wax, not unlike the difference between Asian and European dragons. They're also rather icky, perhaps even more than the traditional European folklore vampires.
[edit] In popular culture
In pop culture, from films such as Blade, Night Watch, and Hotel Transylvania to TV shows such as Being Human, Count Duckula, and Adventure Time, vampires being nice and not drinking blood is a common theme. Some will just feast on animal blood, some will "go on the wagon" (plus many other references to alcoholism), some will just eat shades of red, some will use an alternative. However, even a vegetarian vampire can't get blood from a turnip.
Vampires also tend to fight with other mythical creatures across various works of fiction. Almost without exception, the vampires are the cool ones at the top of the food chain, while werewolves are usually the butt of their jokes. Not even Discworld is able to escape this stereotype.
Vampires are also, disregarding any previous evidence, able to walk in sunlight. Previous to Starting in the 20th Century, the Holy Power of sunlight turned vampires into dust.[6] With advances in scientific knowledge, humanity found that vampires were weak to U.V. rays, causing the aforementioned dust transformation. Now, thanks to ingenuity and Stephenie Meyer,[7] all a vampire needs to keep from turning into ash is some bleached hair, sunscreen, and bad plot devices.
Garlic or crucifixes[8] may or may not drive vampires away. Another potential weapon in some circles is a sack of rice grains, as they allegedly cannot help but count how many are in the sack.
[edit] Religious interpretations
Early, as well as modern, interpretations of vampire lore suggest an allegory or parody of Christianity. If a character drinks the blood of a vampire, they will die but live forever after death. Sound familiar?
Despite (or possibly because of) this, many priests have denounced the stories of Dracula and, more recently, Edward Cullen, akinning vampire-fandom to idolatry. It is expected that many of those who speak out against such novels for this reason haven't read the books, otherwise they would praise the conservative message of the Twilight saga and criticize it for its horrible writing. Although some claim it's full of Mormon references, so they might not like that.
[edit] How to kill a vampire
Vampires are immortal are almost immortal but they need to suck the blood of the living in order to survive. Often they can be killed by sunlight. Almost always they can be killed by decapitation, by being burned to ashes, by a silver bullet (Lone Ranger, please take note!), or by an oak stave driven through the heart.[9] Not like real people, then.
[edit] Stupidity and woo
[edit] "Real" vampires
Some people actually think they're vampires, though what they define as a vampire varies, with one such laughable variation known as the "psychic vampire"[10] or "energy vampire".[11][12] The old joke is that these types of "vampires" are people who played too much Vampire: The Masquerade and read too much Anne Rice in the '90s. One hypothesis linked vampirism to the skin disease porphyria (whose symptoms include photosensitivity); this has since been discredited, but it still comes up from time to time.[13]
A group called the Temple of the Vampire[14] currently assists people in "awakening to their vampire nature", offering not only a free introductory audio series, but also memberships for the low, low price of $20 a month (or $200 a year). As one of the perks of being a real vampire, you get a discount on the Vampire Bible, which contains all the tenets of vampire society (which seem to begin with "com[ing] to a predator's perspective toward human beings" — very comforting); as a member, you pay $40 for it instead of $60.[15]
William Schnoebelen claims to have been a practicing vampire until he was turned by a bank clerk in 1980, lost all his magical powers, and converted to Mormonism instead. [16] He has since denounced the Mormons for their connection to the Freemasons and Satanism.
[edit] Vampire hunters
Other people really think that they are vampire hunters. Perhaps the best known are British weirdos Seán Manchester[17] and David Farrant, who claim to hunt and kill vampires for real. They are best known — in fact, solely known — for their involvement in the Highgate Vampire incident in the '70s, and subsequent rivalry over their competing accounts of the events. Indeed, a search for Manchester on Wikipedia gets a redirect to the Highgate Vampire article[18], while a search for Farrant will bring up an obscure New Zealand cricketer, with a note at the top saying "For other uses, see Highgate Vampire#Initial publicity."[19]
However, Manchester and Farrant are beaten in popularity by the fictional vampire hunters Abraham Van Helsing, one of the main characters of the aforementioned Dracula, and Buffy Summers, star of the cult TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
[edit] See also
- Goth
- Lycanthropy
- Otherkin
- Roman Catholic Church
- Incubus and succubus myths
- Zombies—the other, less intelligent, more decayed, and likely smellier form of undead.
- Ghosts-the only undead as clean as a sheet.
[edit] External links
- How to Stop Energy Vampires according to this blithering fool
- Be Wary of Energy Suckers: Understanding How a Psychic Attack Happens
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2011/03/its-finally-happened-a-sparkling-sex-toy-for-twilight-fans
- ↑ That, and the lashings of alluring vampire women, with their ivory skin, heaving bosoms, tightly-bound corsets, and... excuse me, I need a cold shower...
- ↑ Hell, you can read it right here.
- ↑ Here's a fuller list of adaptations if you're into that.
- ↑ And you thought modern alternative medicine practices could get messed-up.
- ↑ Bram Stoker's Dracula could go out in the daytime, but he had to bundle up and wear sunglasses, and daylight robbed him of his vampire powers.
- ↑ Who has a lot to answer for...
- ↑ "Vampires are afraid of crosses because vampires allergic to bullshit." —Richard Pryor
- ↑ http://lifeisreallybeautiful.com/amazing-wacky-things/wanna-buy-a-mummified-vampire-heart/
- ↑ Hesse, Monica. "A Vampire's Life? It's Really Draining." The Washington Post, 24 November 2008.
- ↑ "Energy Vampires" by Dr. Bruce Goldberg.
- ↑ Real Vampires
- ↑ Lane, Nick. "Born to the Purple: The Story of Porphyria." Scientific American, 16 December 2002 (recovered 19 October 2014).
- ↑ The Temple of the Vampire
- ↑ Or, you know, you can just read it for free here, without having to put up with the faux-gothic text.
- ↑ http://www.relfe.com/07/Bill_William_Schnoebelen.html
- ↑ Confirmed as weirdo in Ofcom broadcast bulletin 58, Apr 2006, pages 44-50
- ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Sean_Manchester&redirect=no
- ↑ wp:David Farrant