Fun:Conservapedia, The Musical/The Hymn of Stefan Molyneux

A POSH MAN appears in front of the scene and faces the audience. His prim and polished clothe stand out from the grunge of the rest of the scene.

POSH MAN: Hello, good evening, and welcome to the middle of the musical.

He exits stage left. A curtain drops in front of the whole scene, saying, "THE MIDDLE OF THE MUSICAL". The POSH MAN wheels in from stage left, sprawled vixen-like on a divan in a tight, little, black velvet mini dress with diamonds and pearls littering it all.

POSH MAN: Hello, and welcome to the middle of the musical, the moment where we take a break to invite you the audience to join us the choreographers in "Next Week's Play: Karaoke Edition". We're going to show you a scene from another play, and we'll put up lyrics from the top-.

He points upward and a stage-spanning banner unfurls, with

POSH MAN: (CONT'D) ''-so that you, the audience, can sing along. Now isn't that lovely? So, here we are with'' The Hymn of Stefan Molyneux.

The POSH MAN exits on his divan stage left. The curtain raises to show the MAIN of a Spanish galleon. Barrels of rum are spread all over the place, pirates are swinging this way and that on coarse ropes, brandishing the air with their swords and yelling curse words and lewd topics at each other like they were nothing. These guys are grotesque looking chums, aren't they? They've the perfectly tanned skin you'd never see on a landlubber, they're dressed in clothes that look like 18th-century aristocratic ballgown clothing designed by a tramp, and their faces are contorted with ferocity and anger.

PIRATES: Sixteen men on a live debate, yo ho ho and a bottle of wine.

STEFAN MOLYNEUX struts from a cabin doorway. He is wot a man would call "THE Pirate captain"; both of his hands are hooks, he has two peg legs, he has two patch-eyes, two wooden ears, an unkempt goatee, twelve parrots on his shoulders, a shiny silver sword three feet long, and the stance of the bravest, toughest, no-do-goodest man God ever created.

STEFAN MOLYNEUX: ''Avast, ye chicken-hearted fools. Ye art traversing the seven seas with Stefan Basil Blackbeard Peg-Leg Patch-Eye Hook Molyneux III, the nuisance of New Brunswick, the scourge of Shediac, the meanest, scurviest, ruthlessest, bloodthirstiest, blackheartedest pirate captain known to either man or the good Lord. (CHORTLES) Let's say we hoist the mainsail, batten down the hatches, man the aft, heel over to yonder warship starboard, lay a few broadsides again' her timber, and swing over on these 'ere lanyards with our cutlasses in our teeth, cut out the rivets and split wot we looted. Wot dost ye say to that?

The PIRATES clamor with excitement, gnashing their teeth, stomping, clapping, and cheering. The Captain looks on excitedly. A voice calls from inside the cabin.

VOICE: I don't like it.

The clamoring ceases and everyone, STEFAN included, gapes as HARRY BREWIS (hbomberguy) enters pathetically. He's quite a small'un, and a quite a fabulous looking small'un at that; a pink tuxedo with purple lapels, purple tights, clicky heels, a purple three-pointed hat, and a pink little feather, all knitted out of wool.

STEFAN MOLYNEUX: Thee dost not like it?

HARRY BREWIS: ''I don't like it and I don't want to do it. It's tacky, tacky, tacky. And don't look at me like that way!''

STEFAN MOLYNEUX: ''Ha! Well, if 't be true thee dost not like 't, wot doth thee wanteth?''

HARRY takes center stage as three gorgeous mermaids (NATALIE WYNN, CHELSEA MANNING, RILEY DENNIS) appear to harmonize with him.

HARRY BREWIS: I want a birthday bash. I want a birthday bash. (MERMAIDS: Birthday Bash.) I want to see America with socialism's cash.

(unfinished)