Essay:How I see each President (TheUmbilicalCordGuy)

Here are my personal views on every President of the United States.

George Washington
The one that wore dentures made of other teeth. (Not wooden dentures contrary to popular belief.)

Pros

 * Set the standard for presidents serving two terms.
 * Won the Revolutionary War.
 * Signed the Jay Treaty.
 * Treated British POWs in the Revolutionary War humanely.

Cons

 * Was a slave owner.
 * Signed the Fugitive Slave Act of 1793.
 * Repeatedly destroyed the crops and villages of Native Americans in the Northwest Territory.

Pros

 * Supported socialized healthcare.

Cons

 * Signed the Alien and Sedition Acts.

Pros

 * Wrote the Declaration of Independence.
 * Prohibited the Transatlantic Slave Trade.
 * Supported separation of church and state.
 * Repealed the Alien and Sedition Acts.
 * Invented the swivel chair.

Cons

 * Didn't end slavery itself, and was still a slave owner.
 * Signed the Embargo Act of 1807.
 * Cracked down on journalists and political opponents who opposed the Embargo Act.

Pros

 * Authored the Constitution and Bill of Rights.

Cons

 * Was a slave owner.
 * Only applied the Constitution and Bill of Rights to white male landowners.
 * As Secretary of State, he denied several potential judges their commissions.

Pros

 * Monroe Doctrine to prevent European countries from further colonizing the Americas.

Cons

 * Was a slave owner.
 * Monroe Doctrine did not prohibit the United States from colonizing land in the Americas.

Pros

 * Proposed an interstate highway and canal system.
 * Support conservation of public lands.
 * Wanted to build astronomical observatories.

Cons

 * Continued removal of Native Americans.

Andrew Jackass
Racist, slave-owner, rapist, and genocidal maniac.

Pros

 * Prevented South Carolina from seceding.
 * Favored the abolition of the Electoral College.

Cons

 * Was a slave owner.
 * Raped his slaves.
 * Removed numerous Native American tribes from their homes.
 * Support of manifest destiny.
 * Opposition to public education.

Cons

 * Continued the removal of Native Americans.

Pros

 * Technically had one of the least corrupt administrations.

Cons

 * Was a slave owner.

Cons

 * Was a slave owner.

Cons

 * Was a slave owner.
 * Mexican-American War.

Cons

 * Was a slave owner.

Cons

 * Signed and enforced the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850.
 * Used the military to force Japan to trade with the United States.

Cons

 * Signed the Kansas-Nebraska Act.
 * Reopened slavery in Western territories.
 * Got numerous people killed in disputed territories.
 * Tried to annex Cuba.

Cons

 * Huge supporter of expanding slavery.
 * Endorsed Dred Scott v. Sandford.
 * Endorsed Southern secession.

Abraham Lincoln
One of the greatest we ever had.

Pros

 * Led the country to win the Civil War.
 * Emancipation Proclamation.
 * Signed Homestead Acts.
 * Supported the Thirteenth Amendment.

Cons

 * Suspension of habeas corpus.
 * Homestead Acts allowed the United States to further commit genocide against Native Americans.

Cons

 * Was a slave owner.
 * Rescinded many Reconstruction policies.
 * Opposition to the Fourteenth Amendment.

Pros

 * Reconstruction polcies.
 * Diversity in appointments.

Cons

 * Was a slave owner.

Cons

 * Ended Reconstruction altogether.

Pros

 * Signed the Pendelton Civil Service Act.

Cons

 * Signed the Chinese Exclusion Act.

Cons

 * Spanish-American War.
 * Prevented Filipino independence.

Theodore Roosevelt
The president who wrestled bears and kicked ass.

Pros

 * Created the National Park System.
 * Broke up monopolies.
 * Supported universal healthcare.
 * Allowed Japanese people to immigrate to the United States.
 * Signed the Pure Food and Drug Act.
 * Signed the Meat Inspection Act.
 * Rode from a mountain in New York to Washington D.C. by wagon to attend his inauguration on time.

Cons

 * Imperialist foreign policy.

Cons

 * Opposition to conservation.
 * Support of monopolies.

Pros

 * Introduced a progressive income tax.

Cons

 * Invasion and occupation of Haiti.
 * Invasion and occupation of the Dominican Republic.
 * Invasion and occupation of Cuba.
 * He was a massive racist who supported segregation.
 * Signed the Sedition Act of 1918.
 * Opposition to the Women's Suffrage movement.
 * First Red Scare.

Pros

 * Pardoned everyone accused or convicted of sedition.
 * Pardoned Eugene V. Debs.
 * Supported a bill to make lynching a Federal crime.

Cons

 * Appointed an extremely corrupt cabinet.
 * Teapot Dome scandal.

Pros

 * Granted citizenship to all Native Americans.

Cons

 * Had a laissez-faire fetish.

Pros

 * Authorized the Hoover Dam.

Cons

 * Indifference to the Great Depression.

Franklin D. Roosevelt
The best we ever had.

Pros

 * New Deal.
 * Signed the Fair Labor Standards Act, which did the following:
 * Established a national minimum wage.
 * Established a 40-hour work week for normal working hours.
 * Established overtime pay for labor time exceeding 40 hours.
 * Prohibited most child labor.
 * Established Social Security with the Social Security Act.
 * Was very pro-union, signed the National Labor Relations Act to protect the rights of workers to unionize, engage in collective bargaining and strike.
 * Signed Glass-Steagall legislation.
 * Tennessee Valley Authority.
 * Second Bill of Rights.
 * Entering WWII.
 * Fireside Chats.
 * Helped end Prohibition.

Cons

 * Sent Japanese-Americans into internment camps.
 * Refused to let Jewish refugees into the US.

Pros

 * Marshall Act.
 * Berlin Airlift.
 * Proposed single-payer universal healthcare.
 * Desegregation of the military and Federal government.

Cons

 * Created the NSA.
 * Created the CIA.
 * Sponsored French imperialism in Indochina.

Dwight D. Eisenhower
Supreme Allied Commander and five-star general.

Pros

 * Launched NASA.
 * Supported Brown v. Board of Education.
 * Appointed Earl Warren.
 * Cut military spending and opposed the military-industrial complex.
 * Stood up to Joseph McCarthy.
 * Helped end the Suez Crisis.
 * Ended U.S. involvement in the Korean War.

Cons

 * Banned gay people from working as Federal employees.
 * Planning the Bay of Pigs invasion.
 * Operation Wetback.
 * Overthrowing Iran's democratically elected leader.
 * Overthrowing Guatemala's democratically elected leader.
 * Shoehorning "under God" into the Pledge of Allegiance.
 * Sponsored French imperialism in Indochina.
 * Introduced the Interstate Highway System.

John F. Kennedy
Mind-blowing.

Pros

 * Negotiated an end to the Cuban Missile Crisis.
 * Rejected Operation Northwoods.
 * Supported civil rights.

Cons

 * Authorizing Bay of Pigs invasion.

Pros

 * Signed the 1964 Civil Rights Act.
 * Signed the 1965 Voting Rights Act.
 * Created Medicare.
 * Created Medicaid.
 * Signed the Freedom of Information Act.
 * Appointed Thurgood Marshall.
 * War on Poverty.
 * Rocked a nice skullet in his final years.

Cons

 * Ground troops in the Vietnam War.
 * Gulf of Tonkin resolution.
 * Constantly exposed himself to White House staff.

Richard Nixon
"ARROOOO!"

Pros

 * Created the EPA.
 * Created OSHA.
 * Détente policy.
 * Eventually ending the Vietnam War.
 * Promoted affirmative action.
 * Ending the gold standard.
 * Signed the Endangered Species Act.

Cons

 * Watergate.
 * Prolonging the Vietnam War, and sabotaging the original peace talks.
 * Carpet bombing other countries.
 * Invasion of Cambodia and Laos.
 * Launched the War on Drugs.
 * Helped install a military dictatorship in Chile.
 * Was an anti-Semite and a homophobe.
 * Cancelled the Apollo program.
 * Vetoed the Clean Water Act.

Gerald Ford
The president who tumbled off a plane.

Pros

 * Established special education.
 * Passed the Safe Drinking Water Act.
 * Amnesty for Vietnam War draft-dodgers.

Cons

 * Pardoned Nixon.

Jimmy Carter
A wee ol' humble peanut farmer.

Pros

 * Pardoned Vietnam War draft-dodgers.
 * Camp David Accords.
 * Affirmative Action.
 * Has a talent for building houses.
 * He farms a good peanut, too.

Cons

 * Does not favor access to abortion.

Ronald Reagan
Every Republican has creamed their jeans thinking of him.

Pros

 * Signed Martin Luther King Jr. Day into law.
 * Gave amnesty to over three million undocumented immigrants.
 * "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."

Cons

 * Reaganomics.
 * Ignoring the AIDS crisis.
 * Iran-Contra Scandal.
 * Blew up the National Debt with military spending.
 * Overthrew democratic governments in Latin America to install dictatorships.
 * Escalated the War on Drugs, causing an uptick in the prison population.
 * Facilitated union-busting.
 * "To see those, those monkeys from those African countries—damn them, they’re still uncomfortable wearing shoes!"

Cons

 * Appointed Clarence Thomas.

Bill Clinton
"It depends upon what the meaning of the word 'is' is."

Pros

 * Appointed Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
 * Signed the Violence Against Women Act.

Cons

 * Signed the Defense of Marriage Act.
 * Signed the Telecommunications Act.
 * Signed the 1994 Federal Assault Weapons Ban.
 * Signed the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act, which repealed Glass-Steagall legislation.
 * Signed the Commodity Future Modernization Act.
 * Supported Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
 * Ballooned the police state and the prison population with the Crime Bill.
 * Signed PRWORA, which gave massive cuts to welfare spending.
 * Contributed to the Great Recession.
 * Signed NAFTA and PNTR with China into law.
 * Bombed a pharmaceutical factory in Sudan.
 * Signed the Mickey Mouse Protection Act Copyright Term Extension Act.
 * Signed the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.

George W. Bush
Genuinely evil.

Pros

 * Started the PEPFAR program to combat the HIV/AIDS crisis in Africa.
 * The assortment ofBushisms made for a great source of entertainment.

Cons

 * Signed the USA PATRIOT Act.
 * Lied to the entire nation's face with the War in Iraq.
 * Pursued other imperialist goals in other countries.
 * Signed No Child Left Behind.
 * Created the DHS.
 * Blew up the national debt.
 * Gave tax breaks like cumshots to multinationals and fossil fuel companies.
 * Caused the 2006 housing bust.
 * Constantly supported a Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage.
 * Deregulated the banks.
 * Contributed to the Great Recession.
 * Was indifferent to Hurricane Katrina.
 * Ran multiple concentration camps for the wars, including Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib and the Salt Mine.
 * Continued the War on Drugs.
 * Mass deportation.
 * Global gag rule.
 * Banned stem cell research.
 * Support for torture.
 * Signed CAFTA-DR into law.
 * Signed the American Service-Members' Protection Act, which prevents the international prosecution and trial of American war criminals.
 * Did not kill Bin Laden.

Barack Obama
Alright, but still tacky on war and surveillance.

Pros

 * Signed the Affordable Care Act.
 * Pushed environmental protections.
 * Repealed DADT and DOMA.
 * Authorizing DACA.
 * Pardoned hundreds of nonviolent drug offenders.
 * Cuban Thaw.
 * Iran Deal.
 * Bin Laden raid.
 * Ended Bush's Iraq War.
 * Economic stimulus package.
 * Allowing states to legalize marijuana without Federal intervention.
 * Rejected the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipelines.
 * Pushed the Supreme Court to allow same-sex marriage.
 * Supported a ban on conversion therapy.
 * Only President so far to support nonbinary people.
 * Joined the Paris Agreement.

Cons

 * Reauthorized the Patriot Act and signed the USA FREEDOM Act (another Patriot Act reauthorization).
 * Did not prosecute the banks responsible for the Great Recession.
 * Failed to end the Afghanistan War.
 * Began wars in Syria and Libya.
 * Went back to war in Iraq.
 * Installed a far-right regime in Honduras.
 * Locked up Chelsea Manning.
 * Tried to prosecute Edward Snowden.
 * Did not reschedule marijuana.
 * Approved a shitty trade deal with Panama.
 * Supported the Trans-Pacific Partnership.
 * Mass deportartion.
 * Mass drone strikes.
 * Threatened to drone strike a boy band.

Donald Trump
The presidential equivalent of egging and toilet papering a house. He is the embodiment of every single negative stereotype of Americans: obese, lazy, loud-mouthed, bigoted, greedy, crass, selfish, etc.

Pros

 * Pulled out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership.
 * Gave up on invading Venezuela (albeit only because he got bored.)

Cons

 * The wall.
 * Family separation policy.
 * Running numerous concentration camps.
 * Tariffs.
 * Banned transgender people from serving in the military.
 * Tax breaks for the super-rich.
 * Blowing up the military budget.
 * Supports Saudi Arabia's war against Yemen.
 * Indifference to the assassination of Jamal Khashoggi.
 * Pulling out of the Paris Climate Agreement.
 * Relaxing regulations carbon emissions.
 * Climate change denier.
 * History of sex crimes.
 * Extensive business interests with dictatorships such as SA, Turkey, Russia, etc.
 * Mass deregulation.
 * Mass deportation.
 * Mass drone strikes.
 * Appointments of Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh.
 * Appointment of a shit pie Ajit Pai as FCC chairman.
 * Indifference to Hurricane Maria.
 * Lifted ban on neonicotinoid pesticides.
 * CHIP expiration.
 * Support for nuclear stockpiling.
 * Support for torture.
 * Is an anti-vaxxer.
 * Rigged the results of the 2017 Honduras election.
 * Signed FOSTA-SESTA into law.
 * Trying to start a war with Iran.
 * Bill Barr's responsibility for Chelsea Manning being put back into political imprisonment.
 * Prosecuting Julian Assange.
 * Supported the military coup in Bolivia against Evo Morales.
 * Pushed a complete embargo on Venezuela.
 * Thousands and thousands of lies as far as the eye can see.
 * Worst sense of fashion out of all presidents.