Sarah Palin

I used to think Michael Palin was the funniest Palin on Earth. What fascinates me is: people watching her on television - can they not see that she's basically learned certain speeches? She does them very well, she's got a very good memory, but it's like a nice-looking parrot. Sarah Failin' Palin is the former Republican Governor of Alaska, a beauty queen, reality-TV star, and prime example of how well abstinence-only education works. She was the youngest Governor in Alaskan history, the first to be born after Alaskan statehood, and has damaged the state's public image more than any other person in recent memory. In 2016, she was offered an opportunity to become a Swamp Monster in Trump's cabinet, most likely as Secretary of the Inferior.

On August 29th, 2008 presidential candidate John McCain selected her to be his running-mate (the Geezer and Gidget ticket), despite the fact that she didn't really know what a Vice President does. She supports teaching creationism alongside evolution in biology classrooms, and came prepackaged with scandal.

Palin is widely and appropriately ridiculed by 2/3rds of American society, who accurately point out that she's a fool and that her opinion on any issue is the last one anyone should ask for. However, there's a certain subset of conservatives who shun all media outlets and honestly believe Palin was sandbagged by mainstream media for being conservative, and no other reason. Among those types of voters, Palin's lack of credentials can only be an endorsement. She was instrumental in electing Sen. Ted Cruz in Texas, gave the kiss of life to Rand Paul's moribund Presidential campaign, and, more recently, has allied with Donald Trump.

Was it a good idea?
Aim low. Aim so low that you never get disappointed. She had an 89% approval rating in Alaska before being tagged for VP. She was literally the most popular governor in America. She likely could have served two terms, and maybe switched to be a senator when she was done. She was beloved in Alaska but ridiculed by most of the country, meaning that she went too far. Palin did draw substantial criticism from staunch conservatives in Alaska for her perceived populist economic policies, including significantly raising taxes on oil production, subsidizing a new gas pipeline with public money, and advocating $1,200 energy supplements. (In point of fact, it was the largest operating budget in Alaskan history.) Bill Moyers even invited her onto his PBS show to talk progressive politics. It remained to be seen how this would affect her standing with conservatives in the long run, but she did have a future.

And less than 2 years of experience as governor.

As Barack Obama chose Joe Biden for his vice-presidential running mate due to his experience in foreign policy and the economy, and his attack-dog credentials, Senator McCain presumably chose Governor Palin in order to bring youth to the campaign. But this was apparently her only benefit. It worked for about a week when all she did was wave and give prepared speeches. Then they let her answer questions. If you're going to pick someone who is utterly unqualified, you should at least have a plan to protect her from the sharks. Some McCain insiders, however, blamed Sarah for digging in her heels and resisting attempts at vetting her. Before long, she had usurped her own campaign manager, Steve Schmidt.

Some would say that her gender was a benefit to McCain in order to pander to Hillary Clinton supporters, but her anti-abortion stance didn't impress most of them, especially the female voters. Also, her touted "environmentalist" status was severely undercut by her support of oil-drilling in the Alaskan wilderness. And while Obama had only a few years of political experience under his belt, Palin had only been in state government for twenty months, making her even less experienced than he, and causing the Republicans to lose their biggest advantage. If a hypothetical President McCain had died in office (he would have been the oldest ever elected) she would have had to take over as president.

In a mea culpa, Schmidt told Chris Matthews that he's sorry about this whole Palin thing — turns out she's a complete "freak show" and has ushered in a slow, painful death for his once-esteemed and respected political party.

At large
In July 2009, Palin announced her decision to resign from the governorship of Alaska, in order to take up community organizing (irony!) to ready herself for a run for the Presidency in 2012 and begin a career as a Facebook blogger. (That "How's all that hopey-changey stuff working out for ya?" line is an all-time classic ). She later decided she wouldn't run, eliciting anguished moans from the political-comedy community.

Palin still has a strong following in the Tea Party movement. It was actually Sarah Palin who accredited the Tea Party's existence to Obama which was, like most things that come out of Sarah Palin's mouth, mindless drivel.

Her initial endorsement of Trump was a doozy; he dragged her out once during the primaries, and she rambled so much that they never let her out again.

Palin and the "new" feminism
The candidate sauntered to the lectern with the assurance of a sleepwalker — and immediately launched into a symphony of snorting and sneering remarks, taking time out in between the superior invective to present herself as just a humble gal with a beefcake husband and a brood of healthy, combat-ready spawn who just happened to be the innocent targets of a communist and probably also homosexual media conspiracy...It was like watching Gidget address the Reichstag. If, during the election, one had read only GOP-supporting blogs, one might have thought that female voters were flocking to Palin, as a woman who does away with the old feminist views, showing what can be achieved without affirmative action. These people were wrong: the political rally "Alaska Women Reject Palin" was larger than the pro-Palin homecoming rally the week before. Also no one could possibly support anyone who would charge a rape victim for the processing of the "crime scene" analysis known as the "rape kit." That was the policy in Wasilla when Palin was mayor and she did nothing to change the policy.

It also remains inconceivable to some True FeministsTM that a "feminist" can hold the position that women are legally, morally, ethically, intellectually equal to men while still saying that if raped, they must have the rapist's child. That's hardly an equality; hell, it's an oxymoron.

By bringing Trig Palin into the world, chromosome problems and all (a prenatal exam determined Trig had Down syndrome), Sarah's life speaks directly to women who have been told they must decide between having children and having success. What she says is if you are successful and reasonably rich, you can demand that others make their "choices" in the way that you insist are the only "choice."

After the election there was talk that Palin might be under consideration for important posts in the Republican Party in the future. If this happens, American voters should be well aware of what she wants to do.

The (failed) return
In 2022, Palin decided to step out of irrelevance and get back into the national spotlight. She announced her intention to run to represent Alaska in the House, and earned Trump’s approval. She tried to run in the special election for Alaska's at-large congressional district to replace the late which ended up proving that a majority of Alaskans would rather elect  than have Sarah Palin representing them. Still, she tried again in the 2022 midterm elections but was completely crushed by Peltola again by an even larger margin.

Political

 * Governor of the nation's forty-seventh most populous state for under two years, quitting right as the Great Recession hit (which would have resulted in unpopular tax increases and/or spending cuts).
 * Two-term mayor of a town that:


 * Is about the size of some of the nation's largest high schools.
 * Has the largest number of meth labs in the state.
 * Alaskan voters had the good sense not to designate their capital in 1994.


 * In December 2016, she was rumored to be a possible choice to head the Department of Veterans Affairs by strange orange plutocrat/President-elect Donald Trump.

Foreign policy

 * Squinting at Russia across the Bering Strait.
 * A trip to Canada.
 * A stop-over in Éire Ireland that place with the green beer.
 * A one-year-old passport.
 * Spent over $40,000 on clothes from donated GOP money.

Athletic

 * Captain of Wasilla High School state champion basketball team
 * Kills moose (squirrel mysteriously omitted from reportage)
 * Will pay you to kill wolves from the air

Medical
Trying to stay relevant in the post-Trump kookosphere world, Palin proclaimed in 2021 regarding the COVID vaccine, "It’ll be over my dead body that I’ll have to get a shot. I will not do that. I won’t do it, and they better not touch my kids either."

Intellectual

 * Ignores books and whitepapers on important topics, in favor of text messages from her "Prayer Warriors"

Other

 * Reads every newspaper

Controversies

 * Though she herself is not a member of the (yes, that's a thing), her husband has been, and she did provide a recorded welcoming to an AIP convention.


 * Though she holds no affiliation with "union thugs", her husband is a member of the United Steelworkers union. Get with the program, Todd!


 * In what has become known as "Troopergate," she came under investigation in Alaska for abusing her power to get her ex-brother-in-law fired. In keeping with then Bush-Administration policy, Gov. Palin and those connected with her refused to cooperate with the investigation and declined to respond to subpoenas, while the Alaska Attorney General refused to enforce said subpoenas. Additionally, Republicans tried to have the investigation stopped on the grounds that it was a politically motivated attack on Palin, in spite of the fact that the investigation started before McCain had selected her for his running mate. In October, Palin was found to have abused her power as Governor by the investigation, although the state legislators have no power to take formal action against her.


 * The Los Angeles Times interviewed a man who said of Palin: "She told me she felt the world would end and she would see Jesus in her lifetime."


 * In the not-so-much-ado-about-nothing, category, Ms. Palin inquired about the process for removing books from the town library.

It was among the juicier post-election recriminations: Fox News Channel quoted an unnamed McCain campaign figure as saying that Sarah Palin did not know that Africa was a continent.
 * Also in this category was the media getting punk'd by a bogus "leak" from a non-existent McCain staffer and think tank fellow. On Nov. 12, 2008, the New York Times reported:

Who would say such a thing? On Monday the answer popped up on a blog and popped out of the mouth of David Shuster, an MSNBC anchor. “Turns out it was Martin Eisenstadt, a McCain policy adviser, who has come forward today to identify himself as the source of the leaks,” Mr. Shuster said.

Trouble is, Martin Eisenstadt doesn’t exist. His blog does, but it’s a put-on. The think tank where he is a senior fellow — the Harding Institute for Freedom and Democracy — is just a Web site. The TV clips of him on YouTube are fakes.


 * Her unmarried 17-year-old daughter was pregnant, seemingly only to add more problems to her already stressful VP campaign. But it all added to the spin fun. It says a lot about the Republican media machine that a failed VP candidate and governor with an alleged domestic abuser son and a twice-pregnant-out-of-wedlock daughter can be a paragon of conservative values.


 * Despite complaining on the campaign trail that her family struggles to pay the bills, as well as claiming to be "an everyday, working-class American," it was reported during the campaign that the Palins are worth at least $1.2 million, and own a plane, a half million dollar lakefront home, and two holiday get-aways.


 * She thinks Dino the Dinosaur really did live with early man, 6,000 years ago, right after the earth was made - in, yes, six days.


 * She believes that the worst thing that Dick Cheney has ever done is shoot a friend of his during the infamous hunting accident, but to Cheney's credit, Palin totally thinks his friend had it coming for getting in the way of the gun.


 * "Sarah Palin's rejection of an invitation to speak at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in February 2010 is arousing widespread criticism." Allegedly she charges $100,000 per appearance, and won't turn up unless she's paid her thirty pieces of silver.


 * Palin did not report the construction of two new cabins on property she partially owns to the local government, and failed to report these new structures for tax purposes. "Palin's attorney, Thomas Van Flein, claims it is not the responsibility of property owners to report structures they build on the land. Dunivan, however, said owners are required by state law to report any omissions or errors in their tax assessments."


 * During the Tea Party convention in February 2010, Palin required all questions for the Q&A with the audience after her talk to be pre-screened and pre-selected.


 * On 12 January 2011, Palin issued a Facebook “blood libel” video statement, denying her Giffords-in-the-crosshairs attacks could be at fault in the shooting of congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, while claiming she (Sarah) was the real victim. Yes, she denied that she engaged in cannibalism. Let's just end it there. Here's the thing: "Blood libel" is a conspiracy theory that Jewish folks have kidnapped some unnamed Christian children and eaten them/drunk their blood. Blood libels, always a lie, were used to justify violence against a town's entire Jewish community via pogroms. Oh, and Gabby Giffords is herself Jewish, so...

Star of David necklace
Sadly, Sarah Palin's Jewish problem doesn't end with the "blood libel" remarks. American Jews are by now somewhat used to (but no less displeased with) being fetishised by American Christian Rightists, but Sarah Palin has taken it all the way to cultural appropriation and beyond. There have been many sightings of her flat out wearing the Star of David publicly. The problem is, Sarah Palin isn't Jewish. She has expressed no desire to convert to Judaism, she doesn't participate in the Jewish community, and she has not revealed any Jewish heritage. It's just effed up, Sarah, and it would be really nice if you quit this crap.

Conspiracies
Like most high-profile politicians, Sarah Palin isn't free from the occasional conspiracy theory. For example, as the flipside to the Birtherism movement, the Trig Palin birtherism or Trig Truther movement alleges that Trig Palin is actually the son of Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, and Sarah Palin had claimed him as her own to save face for her then-unwed teenage daughter as well as solidify her anti-abortion position. Led by blogger Andrew Sullivan and revived in a genuine academic paper blog post dressed up like an academic paper by an NKU professor, the movement hinges on the fact that Sarah Palin didn't look pregnant in her photos leading up to the birth of Trig, including several showing her with a "really flat stomach."

This is fairly readily dismissed; not every woman swells like a balloon to the point of uncoverability when pregnant, even as late as seven months, and it can be difficult to discern three-dimensions from a two-dimensional photograph (which can be further complicated when you've got reasons to believe something meaningful is there). On top of that, like most conspiratorial cover-ups, a cover-up of that level would require cooperation between a large number of parties from both sides of the political aisle, including journalists and people who would gladly see her reputation crumble, stretching from before her rise to fame. Consider how readily critics and satirists railed against Palin during her peak years for less -- is it reasonable to believe they would readily ignore something so controversial? To quote journalist Justin Elliott, who had confirmed her pregnancy prior to Trig's birth:

Another complicating factor involves Bristol Palin herself. Just eight months after Trig's birth, Bristol gave birth to her son, Tripp Johnston, on December 2008. Not only does this put the claim that the cover-up was for Bristol to save face into question as she was still unwed, but it also places very strong doubt on the timeline proposed by the truthers. Despite the shortened window, there is no indication that she had her child prematurely or in some other manner that necessitated cutting the pregnancy short.

by Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin: I can give you examples of things that John McCain has done, that has shown his foresight, his pragmatism, and his leadership abilities. And that is what America needs today."

Katie Couric: I'm just going to ask you one more time - not to belabor the point. Specific examples in his 26 years of pushing for more regulation?

Sarah Palin: I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to ya!


















 * "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where – where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border."
















 * (Jim Hightower published a book in 2008 titled Swim against the Current: Even a Dead Fish Can Go With the Flow.)











Palin's double-entendres, perhaps








about Sarah Palin




















Irony meter
Not unlike so many things in and around the world of fundamentalist Christianity, Ms. Palin launched attacks against Obama that rather push the limits of Irony Tolerance.TM


 * On October 5, she began whining about Obama's relationship with his "pal," ex-domestic terrorist Bill Ayers. She neglected to tell the audience that Obama was 8 when Ayers was attacking this country, and that the "palling around" amounted to sitting on a committee together.  In making this attack she forgot that she, herself, every night (or thereabouts) is quite literally in bed with someone who, as late as 2001, believed it was critical for Alaska to secede from the Union.


 * On October 6, she began attacks about Mr. Obama's preacher, the Rev. Wright, and his political stances, while forgetting that she has a rather reckless, opinionated, witch-hunting, anti-Semitic preacher, Rev. Muthee, in her own church in Wasilla, whom she has credited with helping her to win her governor's post thanks to his laying-on-of-hands and prayers to protect her from "all forms of witchcraft."

Awards

 * [[Image:Sarah palin dodo sm.jpg|thumb|right|The award, complete with citation]]In September 2008, Sarah Palin was awarded the "Rubber Dodo Award" by the center for Biological Diversity.

Nicknames
• 3

Sarahgrams
• 3

and so many more...

Songs

 * "Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun"
 * "I am Palin, Hear Me Roar"

Parody

 * Tina Fey's (uncanny) impersonation of Palin won her an Emmy in 2009.
 * Hustler produced a series of adult films titled Who's Nailin' Paylin?, featuring legendary porn actress Lisa Ann portraying a character named "Serra Paylin." (Don't watch it, we beg of you.)
 * Iron Sky (2012) showed what the world would be like if she was president

Some wingnuts who got the Sarah Palin Stamp of ApprovalTM
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 * Sharron Angle
 * Michele Bachmann
 * Mary Fallin
 * Christine O'Donnell
 * Rand Paul
 * Allen West
 * Donald Trump