Why can't I own a Canadian?

Why can't I own a Canadian? is the commonly used name for a satirical letter that went on to become an Internet meme and a source of confusing results from Google Suggest &mdash; the system employed by Google to suggest search strings based on what the user has already typed in to the search box.

The letter was written as a response to Dr. Laura Schlessinger, a radio personality who at that time practiced Orthodox Judaism, condemning homosexuality by citing, which says "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." The letter is a rather snarky response, drawing attention to Schlessinger's cherry picking from scripture (although not mentioning, which requires "virtuous women" to be seamstresses and clothing merchants, dress in purple, and make sure everyone else in their household is dressed in red.)

The exact origins and authorship of the letter, and whether it really was sent directly to Laura Schlessinger, are unknown. The name most frequently attached to it is James M. Kauffman, a special education scholar in Virginia who has since received a ton of funny hate mail.

The text of the letter
The original source for the letter is unclear, so what follows is a version retrieved from the Humanists of Utah website:

Use
Many have used this letter and the logic behind it to mock particularly extreme members of the religious right. In 2000, it appeared in an episode of The West Wing, where President Bartlet used excerpts of it to respond to a character named Jenna Jacobs. In 2004, the letter was once again circulated against George W. Bush in order to make fun of his views of same-sex marriage.