Essay:Friend Implant

A few of you may have noticed my prolonged absence from RationalWiki and I feel that I owe you an explanation, though it seems unlikely that anyone cares. The reason I have not been making many (if any) contributions lately, is that I have been recovering from a rare and controversial operation known as a friend implant. I was able to receive this operation only due to a personal request from my "homeslice" Governor Sarah Palin, who I was able to win over using a combination of manly charm and pitiful whining. The operation was administered as treatment for a devastating and untreatable mental condition called "Failure's Syndrome." This condition renders me incapable of forming or maintaining friendships, except with imaginary friends who have IQ's of 60 or less.  "Fred" was successfully implanted, but near the middle of the recovery period my doctor came to me with some bad news. Apparently, certain influential groups had voiced the concern that implanting friends of the same gender could be used to perpetrate homosexual relationships. In light of this revelation, I was forced to return to the operating table for Fred to get a sex change. Sara, as she is now called, and I hit it off instantly. One thing led to another, and Sara and I began an extramarital affair. Since Sara's husband (her former identity of Fred) never seemed to be around, the affair went quite smoothly until Sara contracted HIV. At first I was implicated as having given this disease to Sara, until my lawyer cleverly pointed out that Sara and I are of opposite genders, and HIV can only be transmitted through homosexual relations. Although I did not mention it at the time, Sara's husband had actually contracted HIV before his untimely demise. Sara, unfortunately, has now been hospitalized with a rare strain of bird flu, which is known only to be transmitted by having a demon-possessed canary shoved up one's rectum, which I can assure the reader was completely unrelated to the extramarital affair.