User:Captain Nemo/B

I'm the Lord's Anointed One!

Silvio Berlusconi is. Period.

He is known under many titles: the Knight, the Honorable, Mr. President, His Royal Shortness, "Daddy" (papi) by his teenager girlfriends. But most journalists, in Italy, generally refer to him just as "B". This may be due to abbreviation's sake, since 90% of Italy's daily news are about him, but it's also likely that pronouncing his true name would cause all sorts of disgraces, just like Voldemort's case.

As an hobby, he works as a media and financial magnate and national-level politician in the happy country formerly known as the Republic of Italy, but currently referred as the Republic of Bunga-Bunga. His government has certainly effectively improved Italy's economical situation and status in the world, expecially in regard to decreasing the stereotype that sees Italy as a banana republic ruled by corrupt and inefficient men.

Physical description
Homo berlusconis is a short, tiny-sized mammal of the Great Apes family. Its male and female versions are profundly sexually dimorphic: males of the species tend to be ugly-looking midgets, with little to no hair, an over-sized brain mainly focused on money, women and horrible jokes about Jews and homosexuals; females are, instead, devoid of such organ, replacing its functions with notable body roundnesses on the breast and buttocks.

While the male uses his intelligence and scheming ability to gain political and financial power and put off track its competitors in the struggle for survival, females use their reproductive power to mate with powerful males of other tribes.

Both sexes, though, are used wearing heels, with the male wearing higher ones.

Biography
Silvio Berlusconi was born on the cold, stormy night 29 September 1936 and soon laid in a manger. Little Silvio's birth was announced by a comet star and a rainbow in the sky. At the same time. Yes. You, unfaithful reader, are asking: "But you said it was night, how can a rainbow...?". He can do that. He can do pretty much everything he wants, to say the truth. This is one of the first lesson you need to learn before continuining with the biography: never question what you read. If you find it contradictory, absurd or even ridicule, that's because you are a communist.

Silvio's father was a carpenter an employee in a small bank in Milan, the Rasini Bank which, in later years, came to host the money from philantrophers such as Totò Riina and Bernardo Provenzano. Silvio's mother was a silent and well-educated housewife. In an interview, she stated: "Silvio was such a nice boy. He was very generous, lending money to other children at the kindergarten." What Mama Berlusconi didn't know was that Silvio, from the tender age of 3, had already hired two Sicilian goons to "recuperate credits" from insolvent children, taking their candies away and breaking their toys.

By elementary school, Silvio was sent to the Headmaster's office after having sneaked - thanks to his short stature - under the skirts of several teachers. Luckily, Italian schools were then gender-segregated, and Silvio could not further satisfy his anatomical interest until advanced age.

He succesfully graduated from high school, where he was known for selling Latin texts' translations (true fact), and then pursued a law university degree. He graduated from university with honors in 1961 with a thesis on advertisements' law. To pay for his studies, Berlusconi sang and played the bass onboard cruise ships, together with his financial-partner-to-be Fedele Confalonieri, and sold vacuum cleaners door-by-door.

Political technique
According to Alexander Stille, Berlusconi's political bad habits include elaborating a public image of himself as an idealized Italian everyman, absurd because of extreme wealth and self-indulgent personal life, and projecting his own wrongdoing onto others, such as by complaining that his enemies enjoy a "media monopoly." David Lane's book highlights, among other Berlusconiisms, acquiescence to organized crime, official corruption and a willingness to use the authority of the state to soften restrictions on corporate wrongdoing.