2008 U.S. presidential election



The 2008 U.S. Presidential Election took place on 4 November 2008. It was the first election since 1952 in which neither a sitting president nor sitting vice-president was errrr... standing, due to the fact that the president had completed two terms in office and the vice-president was the most hated man in America and had publicly announced that he was not interested in running for president.

Any white Christian male millionaire associated with the Democratic or Republican Party had a chance of winning. By early March 2008, the Republican nominee was rich white old Christian male Senator John McCain and by June the Democratic field had been reduced to a rich Christian black young male Senator, with a rich Christian white female Senator waiting in the wings. However, Barack Obama became the Democratic "presumptive" nominee on June 3, 2008. He then went on to win the election in a landslide, becoming the first person of color to assume the presidency.

Iraq
Long story short, Afghanistan is a stomach cancer operation, and Iraq is a nose job. Halfway through the procedure on the stomach, the patient told the surgeon to stop working, but keep the area irrigated, while he devoted his time and $12 billion a month working on the nose. The doctor kept making mistakes, and the nose kept getting more and more lopped off until it looked like one of those little noses in anime. Then the surgeon said he was going to quit in a few months, but the taxpayers could pick his replacement. An old white-haired surgeon said he liked the idea of just working on the nose, for a hundred years if that’s what it took. A young black doctor said the stomach cancer was about to metastasize and he promised to shift the whole operating team away from the nose job and just work on the stomach cancer. The nose fell off.

"Mental Recession"
McCain's reaction to the financial crisis is what sealed his fate: He first said that the fundamentals of the economy were strong. And then decided to "suspend his campaign" to come to Washington and help resolve the crisis. By all accounts, while he was in the room he did virtually nothing to contribute.

Joseph R. "Joe" Biden, Jr.
After plagiarism charges knocked him out of the 1988 campaign, he claimed in his book that it was a decision to concentrate on blocking the nomination of Robert Bork to the Supreme Court. One of the two beloved by policy wonks everywhere, he wouldn't stand a chance. Dropped out after Iowa; still got more votes in New Hampshire than Gravel.

He was chosen by Obama as his running mate in August.

Hillary R. Clinton
Critical of Bush tax cuts and supported Kyoto Protocol ratification, opposed arctic drilling but somewhat protectionist, wanted to improve health care, supporter of Israel and supported increased border control, would leave all options open on Iran and voted for war in Iraq which she does not regret. Regarded as the Antichrist by conservatives, whose media machines had been vilifying her nonstop since 1991, despite the fact that she was (except on health care) the most conservative Democrat running.

Suspended her campaign and threw her support behind Obama on June 7, 2008.

There was talk that she had been angling for the vice-presidential post but was eventually chosen as Secretary of State by the Obama Administration.

John R. "Breck Girl" Edwards
Former unsuccessful candidate for both president and vice president in 2004. Had an expensive haircut once, which apparently, renders him unfit for the Presidency in the eyes of some conservatives. Focused on what he calls the "Two Americas", that is, the rich one and the poor/working/middle class one, and the increasing divide between them. Got caught catching some tail on the side, too bad his wife was dying of cancer.

Dropped out after the Florida and South Carolina primaries.

Maurice "Mike" Gravel
Hey old timer, remember the 70s? This rabble-rouser was in the U.S. Senate for two terms but lost his seat in 1980 during the Reagan sweep. Pronounced "Gra-vell", not "Grav-l". Excellent Halo player, was ADAMANTLY opposed to the war in Iraq, and would bring the troops home immediately. That's not the main reason he was running though, which was to promote a constitutional amendment to allow national initiatives and referendums. Beloved by Dadaists for his surreal campaign YouTube videos (including one of him, without saying a word, throwing a large rock into a lake and watching the ripples.)

Dropped out in late March to join the Libertarian Party.

Barack Hussein Obama - nominee and winner
John F. Kennedy reincarnated, according to some. Of the three front-runners (see Clinton, H.R., and Edwards, Breck), he was the only one that did not start with national name recognition (But his name is quite short and easy to remember, so he quickly stopped being referred to as 'that black guy'.). The fact that his middle name is Hussein and his last name is similar to Osama has been enough for some narrow-minded individuals to automatically reject him, and a great many narrow-minded individuals to try to equate him with bin Laden.

Elected as the 44th U. S. President on November 4, 2008.

John Cox
Self-made millionaire and former chair of the Cook County, Illinois Republicans. Never elected to anything higher than school board. He ran (and lost) for Cook County Attorney, the U.S. House, and the U.S. Senate, so his next big move of course was to run for President. In New Hampshire he finished one vote behind joke candidate Vermin Supreme. It is unclear when, but he "suspended his campaign" sometime in December 2007 and then "suspended his campaign" again in early 2008.

Mike Huckabee
This candidate had RationalWiki's ironic endorsement for the Republican nomination!!!

A former Baptist minister, who regards the Bible as literal truth and does not believe in evolution all while going so far as to say we should change the Constitution to reflect his views of The Bible. Also doesn't believe bumblebees should be allowed to fly, or something like that. Interestingly, took a good deal of flak for his attempts as governor to mitigate the sentences resulting from Arkansas' ridiculously punitive laws. He once pardoned Keith Richards for a reckless driving charge that occurred about 20 years before he came to office. He won the Iowa caucus.

He dropped out following the Texas and Ohio primaries/caucuses March 4. Dang, RW lost its horse in the race!

Duncan Hunter
Profile: A Republican Representative from California since 1980, Hunter had the following views: anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, anti-federalism (wanted to amend the Constitution to outlaw both abortion and gay marriage, no matter what an individual state might want to do), pro-gun, anti-tax, anti-First Amendment, pro-Israel, anti-globalization, anti-"sui solis", and anti-China. According to The New Republic, he's the nicest wacko you ever met (which might be why he's tanking—if you're going to be crazy, you need real fire in your belly). Dropped out after South Carolina/Nevada primaries.

Alan Keyes
Seriously.

'''Dropped out in late March, the same day Mike Gravel did, to seek the Constitution Party nomination which he lost in a landslide, and tried to run as an independent. Seriously.'''

John S. McCain, III nominee
Profile: Former Vietnam POW. Senator since God was a teenager. Would have been older than Ronald Reagan was upon inauguration, if elected. Gave good guest on the Daily Show, and had a knockout performance on Saturday Night Live. Formerly considered a bi-partisan straight-talker, he had become more hawkish and cozier with loony evangelical leaders, thus resulting in the loss of his rights to certain hyphens. The press ignored his history of anger management issues because they liked the catering and schmoozing on his bus.

McCain clinched the nomination on March 4.

Ronald E. "Ron" Paul
Because two first names are better than one. Profile: Texas Rep. who wants to abolish abortion, the IRS, the income tax, and the Federal Reserve, reintroduce school prayer, slash most federal spending, reintroduce the gold standard, keep the gays from marrying, end the War on Drugs, and get the U.S. out of Iraq. Has a huge online following which constantly vote-stuffs post-debate polls much to the dismay of Fox News analysts. Could be a Dominionist, could be a Libertarian, it's not really clear. One thing's for sure: he is  WAY  out there.

Dr. Paul dropped out the race on 12 June 2008.

Mitt "Mittens" Romney
Profile: Now firmly pro-life. Pro death penalty. Mormon. Pro abstinence education. Anti same sex marriage. He ran for governor of Massachusetts by, um, "hiding" most of these positions, then spent half his gubernatorial term preparing for his Presidential bid by running against Massachusetts around the country. He saved the Salt Lake City Olympics from rampant corruption. He became a multimillionaire running Bain Capital. President Mitt just doesn't sound right. He won in Wyoming but nobody cared. Won in Michigan where his dad used to be governor - big surprise.

Note: the following Romney quote was corrected before publication to make it make more sense:

"All of us on this stage are Republican. But the question is, who will be able to build the house that Ronald Reagan built - who will be able to strengthen that house, because that's the house that's going to build the house that Clinton, Hillary wants to build."

Dropped out after Super Tuesday.

Joe the Plumber
An unlicensed plumber from Ohio who, using a pseudonym, raised the specter of taxes in the presence of Barry the Senator. He spent his fifteen minutes of fame traveling with Juan the Senator and has been seeking a return to the limelight ever since.

Libertarian Party candidates
The top three candidates (by fundraising) were:

Wayne Allyn Root
All about cutting taxes, cutting government spending, and opposing any form of universal health care. Claimed to support the separation of church and state, but supports school prayer.

Michael Jingozian
Supports an end to government corruption and two-party rule. His main concern was with politicians who put their own power (or their party) above that of the national interest. The only real policy plank available on his website was removing all special treatment for politicians.

Daniel Imperato
Florida businessman whose only qualification for the job appears to be that he was an expert at spamming internet news sites with his press releases. He was in favor of additional fees on drug companies to be spent on people's health (which is, technically, a tax). Moreover, he wanted to preserve Social Security (through some kind of weird charity that would then be the only charity that was tax-deductible).

Also in the running:

Steve Kubby
Medical marijuana activist.

Mary Ruwart
Author of Healing Our World, a favorite book among Libertarians trying to promote libertarian ideas within the New Age movement.

Instead, the nomination easily went to:

Bob Barr
Former Republican congressman from Georgia. After 9/11 he turned into a critic of Bush, the Iraq War, and the War on Terror, and joined the Libertarian Party. He announced he was running for their nomination a couple of weeks before he won it. He tried to have McCain and Obama removed from the Texas ballot.

Jared Ball
Unabashedly in favor of wealth redistribution on a large scale. (He basically advocated taking enough money from the wealthy to fix America's problems.) Also wanted to redeploy American troops abroad to New Orleans. Also wanted to repeal NAFTA, pissing off our southern neighbor.

Cynthia McKinney
Former Democratic Congresswoman from Georgia's 4th district, and confirmed crackpot. She believed in several conspiracies, including those surrounding the Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and Tupac Shakur assassinations. She has worked with a "9/11 Truth" group, which quite likely caused her to lose her Congressional seat. She once slugged a member of the US Capitol Police when he tried to stop her from going into a restricted area, because he could not see her badge which authorized her to be there. However, she also crafted articles of impeachment against Bush and Cheney. Won the nomination.

Kent Mesplay
Biomedical engineer and student of alternative medicine. Opposed the use of fossil fuels, and wishes to ban the enrichment of uranium. Supported universal health care and a real solution to the "immigration problem": investment in the Mexican economy, both with large-scale investments and micro-lending to bring the standard of living there up, while at the same time making it easier for immigrants to come to the US. Also wished to institute "Instant Runoff Voting," where people rank their choices, rather than just selecting one person.

Other party candidates
Stop the presses! Ralph Nader announced that he would be running for President again.

Just for laughs: Alan Keyes was going to run in November as an independent, after getting no attention at all in the Republican contest and then losing the Constitution Party nomination in a landslide. He was on the ballot in one state: Colorado

Unity '08 is was an attempt at launching a new centrist third party or fusion presidential ticket, possibly involving somebody like Michael Bloomberg or Joe Lieberman. As for Bloomberg, he was in perpetual denial that he plans to seek the 2008 presidency as an independent, yet kept making moves that say otherwise. Defunct - disbanded without ever agreeing on a candidate

Constitution Party -- Apparently the Constitution Party does not have primaries, but instead has a shadowy National Convention pick its candidates. However, a few lost causes ran including Don Grundmann, tax denialist and homophobe and Alan Keyes. On April 26, 2008 the party convention chose Chuck Baldwin, a Baptist preacher from Florida, who thought that 9/11 was an inside job.

Communist Party USA -- No running candidates; instead decided to endorse another party's candidate (as it did in 2004 when it endorsed John Kerry, which I'm sure he appreciated. You can bet that commies liked it even more). They seem desperate to shed all traces of their former Stalinism.

Speculation that the Reform Party would not be running a Presidential candidate, but would again endorse a minor-party candidate (as it did with Ralph Nader in 2004) turned out to be incorrect when they nominated somebody named Ted Weill as their 2008 nominee. Weill was only on the ballot in Alabama and Mississippi. No, nobody here has ever heard of Ted Weill, either. The Reform Party has split into about 9 hostile factions since 2000 which only goes to show the only thing they ever were was a disparate group held together by H. Ross Perot fandom that took to ripping each other to shreds as soon as Perot left the room.

The Natural Law Party apparently dissolved, and instead became a cult to Maharishi Yogi which is really what they always were anyhow.

Prohibition Party-- Nominated Gene Amondson, a landscape painter and minister. Likes to re-enact temperance sermons from the beginning of the 20th century. His only campaign plank was to criminalize alcohol.

Socialist Party USA -- Nominated Brian Moore in a convention. An interview on Fox News led many to believe that his beliefs, like the SPUSA platform, were all over the place. Also, he doesn't seem to know what the word "communism" means.

No Party At All has nominated Lee Mercer Jr., but that's not stopping him. Probably the greatest candidate for the Presidency this country ever saw, Lee's writing style is the very epitome of clear, cogent debate:  America needs The Man who will "Prove I have solved every crime in the world as it happens from zero to start to finish for every crime done in Business and Commerce Intelligence National and International", apparently.

The United Fascist Party ran Jackson K. Grimes, again, as the sole member of said party.