David Cameron

I would reassure those markets and investors that Britain's economy is fundamentally strong.

David William Donald "Call Me Dave" "Dodgy Dave" Cameron (born 1966), First of His Name Unificator of Ireland, Liberator of Scots, is the most hated man in Britain was leader of the UK Conservative Party and Prime Minister from 2010-2016 after humiliatingly losing the Brexit referendum. At 43, Cameron was the youngest person to become Prime Minister since 1812, when Lord Liverpool took up the post at age 42. He's the first premier in a century to be re-elected with a bigger share of the popular vote, and the first since Thatcher to be re-elected with a greater number of seats. He almost went down as the PM who won three referendums to... keep things exactly the same?

Initially presenting himself as the "heir to Blair" (right down to the hand movements) with the trappings of a Slick Willie, Cameron made it his work to surpass Thatcher as the most reviled name in modern British politics. At least Cheshire Cat and Milk Snatcher were leaders, with a clear vision of the future; Cameron's the sludge that comes out when you squeeze a broken government too hard. His only defining ideal is to do the opposite of what he says. ("Compassionate Conservatism", "Greenest Government Ever", "NHS safe in our hands", "Hug a Hoody", "I will resign in September," etc.)

On the other hand, Cameron kept the crazies within his party (mostly) in check. He legalised gay marriage. His "Big Society" was a fairy tale, but proposing to replace welfare with volunteer and charity work was slightly better than Theresa May proposing to replace it with sweet bugger-all. In fact, he was one of the leading centrist figures in the Conservative Party and was sometimes referred to as center-right liberal or liberal conservative. As the wise man said, "He was the future, once."

Personal life
Cameron is married, with a son and daughter. His oldest son died in February 2009 from a combination of cerebral palsy and epilepsy. In spite of this, his lackluster parenting skills are a minor running gag among the press. In 2012, he accidentally left his daughter at the pub where they had been dining, only realizing after they'd returned home. There was also his wife's unplanned pregnancy in the run-up to the election; he swears he doesn't understand it either.

Cameron is an avowed member of the Church of England. He attends Church but states that his religious beliefs do not affect his politics. Cameron has also stated that his religious beliefs were challenged by the death of his disabled son, Ivan Reginald Ian, but went on to say that in many ways the experience had strengthened his beliefs.

Call Me Dave
Cameron tells his friends that he has one more ‘big job’ in him, but it is difficult to see what that might be. Aside from a spell at Carlton Communications, he has scant corporate experience...A year ago, the top job at Nato would have seemed a good fit for a British elder statesman...but seems unlikely that European Nato members will accept as secretary-general the man who triggered the break-up of the EU. This leaves Cameron with a book to write, and according to members of his circle, it is heavy going.

Apart from working for John Major as a researcher, until 2001 Cameron had held only one job in his life: as a media consultant for a defunct TV station. Knowing that your father made his fortune from helping high earners avoid tax, and knowing that you're just one telephone call away from such an arrangement yourself, it can be hard to get motivated.

He's very much an upper-class twat. He attended a private school rather than state schools, stacked his shadow cabinet with private school graduates (Oliver Letwin edits out his entire youth to say he "worked in business and government"), and he's even descended from an illegitimate child of King William IV, who incidentally loved his illegitimate children. Gove and Cameron even used to geek-out over Game of Thrones together. (Hard to see them doing that now, especially since his former classmates knifed him in the back, and he's done his level best to return the favour.) His role in government was to sell austerity on behalf of a cabinet of inherited millionaires who do not need those services.

Cameron's from a background where getting it a bit wrong doesn't really have any consequences. This feeds through into his professional role: he's not used to the idea of an apparently small gamble having disastrous consequences down the line.

Leader of the Opposition
When he first arrived on the scene, Cameron was a fresh faced eco-warrior who claimed to be soft on drugs. After winning the party leadership in December 2005, he "stepped up his modernization drive", moving away from the old Tory platform of standing up for big business, scrapping (subsidized) private healthcare, and generally part ways with Thatcherite program. He vowed to make people "feel good about being Conservatives again" and "switch on a whole new generation", which he started by banning lavish parties, pools, spending, and consumption among his MPs.

He put emphasis on his party's previously-vague environmental policy: by cycling to work while a car carrying his papers follows him. His quest to "stand up to big business" began by opposing a law that would make businesses more socially and environmentally accountable. Nevertheless, he seems to have maintained the climate change targets set by Blair.

Still, he quickly drew arched brows for his supposed leftism. He supported diversity, offered to grant more autonomy to Scotland/Wales, seemed open to giving self-rule to England, and passed gay marriage in Coalition with the Liberal Democrats (despite vehement protest by the majority of his party). However, he was previously supportive of Section 28, and did not want to see the "promotion of homosexuality" in schools.

Another knock in favor of Cameron is that, in his fourth year as Prime Minister, he passed the Succession to the Crown Act of 2013, which came into effect on March 2015. This means the Royal Family of the United Kingdom finally has absolute primogeniture; the eldest child is the heir, regardless of gender. This also meant that a) anyone who marries a Roman Catholic is no longer disqualified from the line of succession, and b) removed the requirement of those outside the first six persons in line to the throne to seek the Sovereign's approval to marry.

2010 Election
The good people of Britain were not impressed. While all media outlets predicted Cameron would take the Conservatives to a comfortable majority, the voters apparently thought he wasn't sincere in his modernization, or felt he was too bland, and delivered hung parliament in May 2010. He pulled a Dewey by assuming that he was guaranteed victory so long as he didn't say anything stupid, which instead just convinced the voting public that he had no real policies. "I agree with Nick" certainly wrecked his chances too.

So, hung parliament? Too volatile for any party to experience in Britain, so he recruited Clegg as Deputy Prime Minister and moved into a coalition government with the Lib-Dems.

Prime Minister
The Labour Party is now a threat to our national security, our economic security and your family's security.

Anchored by George Osborne, Cameron unveiled an austerity program: hike taxes on the middle and lower classes, slash spending on social programs, and cut taxes on the rich while withering away public services so they can be volunteer-run. His "Big Society" targets lower-class women, minorities, students, immigrants, and people with disabilities (despite having lost a child to illness himself). Many are kicking themselves for allowing "business as usual" under a Tory government yet again. Under his premiership, the United Kingdom has one of the highest rates of income inequality in the western world, with just as sluggish economic growth.

Big Society
Due to the deficit "inherited" from the previous government, the Cameron government has been forced to cut all hope. Hope will be contracted to the private sector with the tender process to start early in the next parliament. In the mean time, concerned citizens are advised to purchase hope on an individual basis from suitable local dealers.

No free lunch
Taking a page from Bill Clinton, Cameron is now trying to end welfare as we know it. He cut 5 billion pounds in pensions and disability benefits, which have led to 60 deaths that would've been preventable had he not, you know, cut the damn things. These incidents where preventable illnesses killed people is now known as "never events" – as in, they never should have happened. His workfare program also strips the working poor of their benefits whenever their employers just decide to do so.

Thanks to Osborne, we now have the dreaded "Bedroom Tax", or Welfare Reform Act 2012, which reduces the benefits paid to claimants if they are deemed to have too much living space in the property they are renting while completely ignoring that these people are often unable to find smaller accommodation (typically due to the Tories' earlier right to buy policy all but dissolving the remaining social housing stock). Stay at home mothers are stripped of their benefits for their "lifestyle" choices (i.e. not being working mothers), as well. His hard-on for Zero Hour Contracts also lead to, in effect, state-sponsored slave labour. It's gotten so bad, Food Banks are surging in both number and usage because people don't have the money to get their own food. At this point, it's surprising that he's not actually setting fire to beggars. (They get that out of their system whilst they're at Oxford.)

Taxes
Anyone who believes Cameron would deal with tax avoidance rationally should consider his own father, with whom he was very close, having vast sums of money in offshore tax havens, far more consequential than Labour's last "reshuffle" or whatever nonsense tends to occupy the minds of Cameron supporters. He almost certainly knew the details of father's offshore tax havens, and he did the minimum he could possibly get away with to close tax loopholes. According to Vince Cable, he was successfully lobbied by tax havens, and blocked an attempt by the EU to crack down on tax avoidance.

On top of that, his tax returns show that he makes a sizeable income as a landlord, despite having been repeatedly accused of policies favourable to landlords. Now he's complaining that it's "unfair" to remove the vale of secrecy surrounding British tax havens. There's way too many of his chums who'll go ape if they start talking about that particular den of law-breaking and secrecy. It's funny how he isn't he even pretending to represent normal people anymore. All those working-class Tories look like idiots now.

Education
Is it as horrid as the U.S.? No, but it is as close to a privatization as we've seen to date in the United Kingdom.

The introduction of Universal Credit, which replaced Employment and Support Allowance, denied benefits to disabled citizens and required them to look for work; work they could not do because of their disability. Between 2011 and 2014, 90 people a month died after being declared "fit to work" and having their benefits removed. The Education Act of 2011 abolished the General Teaching Council for England, the Training and Development Agency for Schools, the Qualification and Curriculum Development Agency, the Young People's Learning Agency for England, and the School Support Staff Negotiating Body, and transferred all of their powers to the Secretary of State; centralizing authority to an ideological branch who is not interested in free and fair education. It restricts the ability for students to report on allegations made against teachers, allows the school staff to commit Stop and Frisk on their fellow staffers and students, even if they are under the age of criminal responsibility (which is 10 years old in the UK).

Teachers are also given the power to examine data files on electronic devices and delete them if they "believe" there is good reason to do so. All new teachers in England are to be required to serve an induction period conducted by the Secretary of State. New schools may not be built until approved by the Secretary of State. The number of different categories of governors that must be elected or appointed to a school's governing body was reduced, while Section 39 makes provision for the procedure to dissolve the governing body of a single school within a wider federation of schools should the school wish to leave the federation in order to convert to academy status. The Secretary of State even has the authority to close any school that has failed to comply with performance standards, removes the requirement of the Local Government Ombudsman to consider complaints about a school from parents and pupils, as well as strengthening the Secretary of State's power to intervene when they are of the opinion that a governing body is acting or intends to act in an unreasonable manner. Schools are no longer allowed to "promote the economic and social well being of an area". What most people remember most is the raising of tuition fees on students attending higher education.

Hater of Houses
He sold off thousands of houses over to the private sector, as well, and in the 2015 campaign, promised to extend the "right to buy" (previously instituted under the Thatcher government, and allowing tenants of council-owned social housing to buy their home at a knock-down price) to homes owned by housing associations - which means that not only will a new government under Cameron sell off the rest of what is a damn-near skeletal social housing supply, they will also sell off houses that the government does not actually own, given that housing associations are independent NGOs. To own a house, the private sector will charge extortionate fees to change stuff as simple as a light bulb. This is called social housing, and it is horrid.

Anti-transparency
Cameron did remove the Identity cards under Tony Blair, but kept the anti-terrorism program intact, allowing the government to hound whistleblowers over the government's alliance with the American surveillance program.

David Miranda, an outspoken dissident against the intelligence apparatus of his country, cataloged encrypted files, including an external hard drive containing 58,000 highly classified UK intelligence documents, "in order to assist the journalistic activity of Glenn Greenwald". This included personal information that would allow staff to be identified, including those deployed overseas. Miranda was promptly detained and questioned by the Cameron government, who confiscated Miranda's computer and other electronic devices that attempted to blow the whistle on the extent of the British surveillance program.

Doctors are the new miners
Sounds like a typical Tory toff, you say. What sets him apart from the others? Taking a page from the Americans and privatizing the National Health Service—something even Thatcher did not dare to do.

Under the Health and Social Care Act 2012, Cameron removed the Secretary of State for Health's responsibility over the health of citizens, which the post had carried since the creation of the NHS in 1948, thereby depriving the NHS of a direct system leadership. A new executive agency for the Department of Health, called Public Health England, was established to oversee healthcare instead. Cameron abolished NHS primary care trusts (PCTs) and Strategic Health Authorities (SHAs), and transferred between £60 billion and £80 billion of "commissioning", or health care funds, from the abolished PCTs to several hundred "clinical commissioning groups", most of which are avenues owned and run by – who else? – private insurance. Yes, Cameron is trying to turn the revered British healthcare system into a two-tier, public-private duel that strips the public of its funding in exchange for empowering the private sector. Keep taking out enough bricks and eventually the wall will come down, and there's a whole bunch of friends waiting to rebuild it for a cost.

Oh, he's also privatized cancer treatment, end of life services, plasma suppliers, urgent care, prison health, mental health services, ambulance services, and maternity care. Oh, and he cut funding to heart and stroke care.

This lie that the British Medical Association is some sort of Leninist sect rather than a group of lily-white and (until recently) conservative professionals is not a very convincing one. If you ever needed proof the Conservative Party is so far up its own arse it can see the back of its teeth, this is it.

James Bondage
If you take away spanking and fisting and calling someone a "filthy little crumpet", what else is left for you to do? Shake hands before delivering an efficient and dignified blowjob?

At least he isn't a social conservative, right? The government became a laughingstock all over the world for trying to force web hosts to "filter out" porn on their services. The fact that Fifty Shades had just wrapped filming was merely a coincidence.🇱🇮

Instead of a straight up porn filter, we now have a BDSM filter. Among the things now listed as "life-threatening", and therefore explicitly banned, are penetration by any object "associated with violence" (resulting in the bizarre implication that it is impossible to use one's hands to commit violence), physical or verbal abuse (even with consent), role-playing, physical restraint, and so on. The acts themselves are not banned, but the recording of these acts, and thus, the publishing and viewing of these acts on the internet, has been deemed unlawful. Many of these practices involved female enjoyment, by the way. It gets the Conservative backbenchers cheering!

In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo terrorist attacks, Cameron has proposed a ban on "end-to-end encryption", which would disproportionately target social messaging medium. Services like WhatsApp, iMessage, Telegram, Cyberdust and more would be forced to change their services to ensure they could function in the UK. The law's doubtlessly broad wording could include any encrypted service that the government finds annoying. Any person who communicates using encryption or sends encrypted files would be required to provide government officials access to cryptographically-protected information. Those refusing to hand over their password could face up to two years in prison.

Taking a hand at stand-up, is he?
In 2013, he pushed to attack Syria during its civil war. Parliament voted no, largely on the back of Ed Miliband, of all people. Cameron was the first prime minister in over 100 years to lose a foreign policy vote in the House of Commons. He clearly saw the hate that Blair generates, and then reminded himself that he hates competition.

2015 General Election
The EU referendum campaign was "Project Fear" v2.0. Version 1.0 was the 2015 General Election. The Conservatives ran on fears over the national debt. Towards the end they really struck gold when they suggested to English voters that a Miliband/Sturgeon pact would lead to money flowing north of the border. (Hard to remember that now we have Corbyn in the driver's seat but there were questions about whether Ed Miliband was a strong and competent leader or whether they would "bankrupt the country" again). This highly negative campaign delivered the last thing anyone expected: an outright victory. Even if Labour swept all of Scotland, Cameron would've retained his majority. No wonder Cameron and Osborne, who were fronting the campaign, tried the same trick again in 2016.

Not one to take chances, though, Cameron resorted to voter suppression tactics—straight out of the GOP playbook. All told, over seven million people remained unregistered, mainly young and poor. And they don't vote Tory.

Off the chain
For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens: as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone. This government will conclusively turn the page on this failed approach.

With the gloves now off, and aided by a highly-partisan press, he painted Labour as being in cahoots with the Scottish separatist movement (despite Labour promises to the contrary). By further driving a wedge between Scotland and England, he cemented the position of the Scottish nationalists at the moment, which might have dire consequences down the road.

Oliver Letwin, the chief architect of Cameron's policies and chair of the Cabinet Office (basically the British version of the White House Chief of Staff), told Margaret Thatcher to block relief for black communities after the Tottenham riots, claiming the violence was caused by "bad moral attitudes" and that the funding would only be spent on "disco and the drug trade". (Fucking Thatcher. Of all the planets to crash land onto, why ours?):


 * He tried to ban the House of Lords from overturning legislation passed in the House of Commons. He later changed that to "severely curtailed." Good job on upholding democracy!
 * In an attempt to tackle so-called extremism, Prime Minister David Cameron unveiled a set of anti-terror laws that force citizens to "send their tweets and Facebook posts to the police for approval", and has advocated that Britain scrap the Human Rights Act in order to deport Muslims foreign criminals. As the Grauniad puts it, "promising to stop thousands of foreign criminals walking the streets of Britain because they can't be deported raises complicated issues of sending people back to countries where they are in danger of facing torture or inhumane or degrading treatment". But then they would, wouldn't they?
 * And now, Cameron is instituting a program that monitors and tracks your Facebook, Twitter, and blogosphere whenever you mention the government, so they know exactly who says what (whether pro-government or anti-government). His Home Secretary, Theresa May, is looking to ban WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger and Snapchat under the "Snoopers Charter," which means social media sites and apps will be shut down if they refuse to remove encryption. This is the single most intrusive and draconian surveillance law ever constructed by a Western country. It's all part and parcel of Cameron's threat to ban any sites that refuse to comply. He wants to leverage them into allowing backdoor access to the government.
 * Cameron's government, again through Theresa May, will ban foreign students from working while studying, and force them to leave after graduation; thereby deporting anyone who doesn't contort to the "preferred" class of society that Cameron supports.
 * Taking a page from Barack Obama, on September 2015, Cameron revealed that he sanctioned an extrajudicial drone attack that killed Reyaad Khan and Ruhul Amin on August 21, in Raqqah, Syria (de facto controlled by ISIL at the time). A third person, yet unnamed, was also killed in the strike. He alleged that Khan and Amin were supporting DAESH; Defense Minister Michael Fallon even said "It is extremely clear that, where there was a vital national interest at stake, we wouldn’t hesitate to take action rather than seek prior permission, to take action and then come and explain to parliament afterwards and that’s exactly what happened yesterday."
 * He sent people to spy on Jeremy Corbyn, the frontrunner in Labour's leadership election in 2015.

Death of a Salesman
You know, I've spent ten years detoxifying this party. It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of cunts.

The UK's first referendum was in 1974. There wasn't a referendum on NI or Scottish independence until Cameron got in. (NI got one to join Ireland but it was boycotted, so it hardly counts.) Cameron gave the UK 2 referendums and Scotland 1. It wasn't an exercise in democracy when Sarkozy offered a series of referendums (on immigration) a couple weeks before the election, in a desperate bid to head off the Front National. But this is the way with Tories: In an election year, they like to get in close and shank their opponents in the liver. Works well on easy prey like the bewildered Labour and Lib-Dem wildebeest. But now they've got themselves in a python deathgrip.

He's taken two stupid and unnecessary gambles. The first was the Scottish referendum, which he won, but by less than expected, and only after he backpedaled hard on his comments. A few hours after the referendum, he comes out and announced the half-arsed EVEL (English Votes for English Laws) to massage the English Tories and kick that can down the road. The second one was Brexit. In a fit of panic over UKIP's triumph at the polls, he comes out and announces a EU referendum (shoving it onto the next parliament so he won't have to deal with it). If you have the majority, you don't risk it on a 50-50 vote that can only be bad for you.

His actual feelings on the issue are not clear (Boris Johnson and his esteemed Daily Express both assure us he's a separatist at heart), but he found himself backpedaling ferociously as a substantial portion of the British people made it abundantly clear that they actually wanted to leave the EU; in weeks leading up to the vote, he desperately urged reporters, television cameras and (occasionally) crowds to vote Remain. Brexit took 52% of the vote to Remain's 48%. It's not that the pollsters were so off, it's that everyone assumed the "shy Tories" would break for stay. Cameron didn't realize just how bad fear and unrest had gotten in the UK. The referendum is not legally binding (unless parliament voted to repeal the decision to join in the first place), but if he hadn't have done, the Conservatives would have lost even more votes to UKIP.

He spent 11 years dragging the Tory party kicking and screaming into the modern age, but his legacy is going to be Chamberlain-tier. Perhaps he wanted to be remembered as the bloke who broke two unions (We had a good 200-year run!) instead of pig fucker extraordinaire.

Poison chalice
As I leave today I hope people will see a stronger country.

And where is he now? Slithered off at the first opportunity. He left no clear successor: Osbourne's left blowing in the wind like a discarded crisp packet. Never before have you seen a more depressed victor (in Britain, we mean) than BoJo at that press conference. He was in a position to take control at the next GE by neutering UKIP (offering himself as a viable alternative). If he runs now, but fails to negotiate a golden parachute from Europe, then he's dead. UKIP is pushing hard for a quick exit. Even if it goes through, and the UK pulls out, then prepare to be slimed by the mess of Scotland, Ireland, and a recession.

This is even funnier when you remember that Boris and Gove signed a letter begging Cameron to stay on—like they knew the shit was about to hit the fan. Teflon Tony's gonna be nothing next to Nonstick Dave.

Greensill & the End of Dave?
Bored with trying to write a book in his 50,000 pound garden shed without dwelling on a career built upon failure, including walking away from the shitstorm of the Brexit referendum, Dave offered his advisory services to the Government (which were ignored) and so fell in with yet another dodgy Australian (not Murdoch this time) promoting what the UK Serious Fraud Office now (May 2021) suspect might have been an elaborate Ponzi scheme underwriting supply chain payments with apparently unrealistic rates of return. With the shit starting to hit the fan as Greensill's capital liquidity was drying up in Autumn 2020, dodgy Dave began e-mailing all of his previous mates in Government in order to obtain a Bank of England bail-out - as they say in the UK, capitalism is only for the little people, socialism is for the rich, where the Bank of England/Government (delete as applicable) is expected to bail them out whenever they bugger-up their businesses (quite frequently to be honest given their lack of both brains and qualifications). Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi - known as 'dishy' (but only to the right-wing press, presumably because he married into one of the richest families in India) - appears to have ignored the monsoon (pun) of e-mails such that Dave's share options worth tens of millions look like going the way of the UK economy after Brexit.

Quizzed by a Parliamentary Select Committee in May 2021 on his appointment to Greensill and his lobbying activities on their behalf (in spite of saying that he was going to legislate against such lobbying when PM but never got round to it), he bemoaned the lack of job opportunities for relatively young ex-Prime Ministers (hopefully, something he will be sharing with Boris shortly) but was surprisingly coy regarding quite how many hundreds of thousands his annual Greensill pay was worth. Well Dave, looks like its back to the luxury garden shed and having another go at finishing Chapter 1.

As with fellow ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair, his name is now toxic in the UK, remembered only for the sheer damage he wrought to the country and held up as exactly what not to do as a leader. As the man himself once said (about Blair), he was the future, once.

Pig fucker
There is an amusing story that while a student Cameron stuck his penis into a dead pig's mouth as part of an initiation ceremony for an Oxford University student dining club, the Piers Gaveston Society. This attracted a lot of media interest and a lot of people dearly wanted it to be true: it seemed to fit in with claims about the debauchery of another of Cameron's student society memberships, the notorious dining and drinking group the. However, there is a sad lack of evidence for the pig incident ever having taken place.

The story first appeared in Call Me Dave, a strongly negative biography of Cameron by Michael Ashcroft and Isabel Oakeshott, published in 2015 shortly after Cameron left office. Ashcroft was formerly a deputy chairman of the Conservative Party but quit following the 2010 election over Ashcroft's differences with Cameron, Ashcroft's criticisms of Cameron's campaign, Ashcroft's failure to get a cabinet post from Cameron, and increasing criticism by others of Ashcroft's life in tax exile in Belize. Isabel Oakeshott was a long-time Ashcroft collaborator and a Sunday Times journalist whose previous claim to fame was betraying Vicky Pryce who gave Oakeshott the story of Lib Dem Chris Huhne lying about a traffic offence; rather than protecting her source, Oakeshott's actions led to Pryce being sentenced to eight months in jail. Oakeshott claimed that the pig story came from an MP who she believed was telling the truth but she later conceded that her source might be "slightly deranged"; she defended this on the basis that a biography doesn't have to have the same standards of evidence as a newspaper, suggesting her book's fact-checking policy was more on a par with "Barbie Princess magazine".