Essay:HowTo:Be a Liberal/Rebuttal


 * 1) Raise taxes, rather than swim in debt from silly wars
 * 2) Blame Bush, even for things he didn't actually cause, like sunspots.
 * 3) Kill babies and eat them, with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
 * 4) Reverse discrimination with abortion, gay marriage and desegregation
 * 5) Legalize all kinds of disgusting behavior, like women showing their KNEES in public
 * 6) Lose wars, instead of bravely staying in a no-win situation for decades.
 * 7) Take away peoples' guns, grenades, and nuclear armaments.
 * 8) Let murderers run free (by "murderers," conservatives mean "black people")
 * 9) Let poor people be lazy, by ONLY working 10 hours a day.
 * 10) Love terrorists. Maybe if they got laid more often, they'd have less interest in blowing things up.
 * 11) Let Mexicans do whatever they want to do (like, breathe)
 * 12) You can still be a neocon and still call yourself a liberal
 * 13) Force children into failing schools
 * 14) Cure all problems with socialism. Even the common cold.
 * 15) Persecute Christians. (Yeah, I've seen no less than four of them thrown to the lions last week alone!)
 * 16) Let child molesters be coddled, like Rep. Foley.
 * 17) Give people drugs
 * 18) You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
 * 19) IF there is a church that is valid it has been pre-approved by the government.
 * 20) Be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand ... in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.
 * 21) Believe that the same public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
 * 22) Believe that everyone on the internet is a pervert BUT the school officials who want to do vaginal exams on your daughter without telling you have your best interest at heart.
 * 23) Believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.
 * 24) Believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
 * 25) Believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
 * 26) Believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.
 * 27) Believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
 * 28) Believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty, fey activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
 * 29) Believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
 * 30) Believe there was no art before federal funding.
 * 31) Believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.
 * 32) Believe that women are people too, not just baby-production units.
 * 33) Believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.
 * 34) Believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.
 * 35) Believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
 * 36) Believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
 * 37) Believe second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.
 * 38) Believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie O'Donnell is not really a man who is jealous of Tom Selleck.
 * 39) Believe conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.
 * 40) Believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.