Forum:I feel hopeless

Greetings, fellow RationalWikians. I know this isn't exactly the place, but I don't know where else I can turn to. My mother can't help me, my friends can't help me and the rest of my family either can't help me or they simply don't care. I doubt you know me, aside from FCP, although I don't think he has much of a reason to remember me. It's not really an issue, though, so ease up, buddy, and keep calm. ;)

I don't want to sound overly whiny and stuff like that. And most of all, I don't want to sound like a smartass. As of now, I don't really feel that bad - I have at least some control over myself. It's probably denial, though. Or cognitive dissonance, or whatever. But I gotta admit, it's probably one of the most awful moments of my life I've experienced so far. This isn't graceful - at all - I actually think that whatever I'm trying to accomplish here is quite pathetic. But I can't think of a reason why I shouldn't write all of this stuff. Psychiatrists want money for each visit - this site doesn't.

I am currently twenty, almost twenty-one and I live in Warsaw, Poland. I consider myself a confused, geeky-kinda-style guy (oh just say it, I'm a fucking basement dweller) who, although regarded as the "smart one" by my peers, considers himself as quite inadequate, even to the point of saying that my life is certainly destined to be a mess. I didn't pass two classes at the secondary and high school - I should have passed matura exams one year ago, but I'm passing them next year, and I have doubts I will make it through them. I won't have much trouble with any subject besides maths. I'm probably too lazy to get up and simply learn some of this shit in order to be confident I'll pass those exams. It's not like they're the most important thing ever. If anything, a person of my caliber - coming from an average lower-middle-class family - will have it harder once they get a fancy paper with a degree, because some fancy Polish websites say higher degrees mean higher salaries, and employers simply want to look for those with lesser degrees, so they will have to pay them less, blah blah blah. At this point I'm so confused I can't even distinguish between reality and crankpottery so much I don't even know what the fuck should I learn in order to be better prepared for life. Because right now when I'm reading it, it does sound like something conceived by a nutjob.

I've been employed only once - for one day - as a furniture carrier in an office bulding, 13 floors high. I made it through a whole day and wondered how the hell am I going to rise from my bed on the next day, let alone manage to do the same work for an entire day. I didn't have to. The employer called me and said I won't be needed anymore. I got my daily salary, though. A whole 60 złotys. Not bad. But obviously, if I'm going to work throughout my life at this rate, I'd be better off simply killing myself.

I feel like I'm being held in a hermetically closed jar, pausterized, without any exposure to the outside world. I don't want to blame anybody except myself (I really don't want to), although my (currently ex) girlfriend thought it was pretty obvious that it's my mom's fault, she thought she's being overprotective. I don't know, personally. It's not like she's holding me a prisoner. But neither we're putting any effort into making my life better. She wants to take all of the financial burden for herself. As much as I appreciate her efforts, I do think she's doing it slightly wrong. She could at least scold me or something. But she insists on me at least making it through matura before I start working. Oh, and I mentioned my ex-girlfriend. That's a different subject, but it's worth being mentioned briefly that she recently had an affair with our mutual online friend. And she showed him her tits at the end. She didn't even have the balls to admit it - I had to get so low and press her into admitting it. It really made me feel dirty. It's a long story, but to keep it short, I feel like I wasted a year on a person who didn't even exist - it was only my own image of her instead of her true self. And this guy couldn't even understand he hurt me, instead attempting to blame me for making her feel bad that she cheated on me (lol). I obviously broke with her, called that guy a fucking twat and threatened to knock out his teeth and... that's it. I can't really do anything about it. It hit me really hard, but I'm trying not to think about it.

To not sound so whiny, I'll focus on the good stuff for now: Obviously, I had a girlfriend for one year, which I considered quite an achievement until very recently, although I never really changed into a jock-kind of guy who judged people's worth based on their sexual life - if anything, it might have helped me in being less judgmental in that area. I was very happy with her and I hope that her cheating on me won't turn me into a mysogynistic manosphere-loving asshole. I still want to trust people and do something for them. Those feelings were extinguished by her, but I guess I'll get over it in a few weeks. I sometimes do get mad or sad about it, but I generally try not to think about it.

But that's not that relevant in the face of another accomplishment of mine. You'll probably think I'm making it up, but I swear by my balls I'm not: When I was 16-17, I weighed 150 kgs (330 lbs). On one day I was still a fatso who didn't really give a shit about it, and on the second day I just suddenly started dieting. Of course it's all about reducing the caloric intake and exercising (which I did, by accident), but back then I took the "less carbs and fats" approach. It worked well enough that I was losing 2 kgs (4lbs?) each week, and I lost 50 kgs (110 lbs) of weight and my record is weighing 98 kgs. I even maintained such a weight for some time, but as you may have guessed it by now, it all went backwards after some time, although it wasn't/isn't that dramatic - a mere 130 kgs (note the ironic tone) (296 lbs, I guess). After I broke with my ex-girlfriend (about a week ago?), I started dieting and exercising again - this time smarter than I used to be. So far I lost 6 kgs. It's probably water so far, though, so we'll wait for more decisive verdicts until, I don't know, one month passes?

So that's my recent (and currently ongoing) life in a nutshell. I guess you won't have much to say about it, I'll even be surprised if anyone manages to read it. But I needed to let off some steam, since I feel like I could use some help from a psychiatrician. The thing is, in most instances they want money, which I simply don't have. I tried looking for psychiatrists free of charge, but they're only for underaged people.

And last, but not the least: I gotta say one thing - I am not a very active user of this site, I know, and I focus mostly on scientific articles instead of authoritarian and political-critique side of this site, although I do realize that reality indeed has a leftist leaning. Whenever I see and understand a problem this site addresses, I just can't disagree with its' view. But there are some things (mostly economy and politics) which I just don't understand and couldn't care to understand - and this is what gives me a feeling of inadequacy (ie. makes me feel like a worthless piece of stupid shit) almost everyday, even at most trivial tasks such as finding a job or a hobby. I probably simply shouldn't get so worked about it and embrace the fact I can't understand everything, but it still subconsciously gets to me. Do I have too big expectations about myself?

Well, anyway, I'll appreciate whatever you have to say to me, be it simply words of encouragment or something very useful and possibly life-changing. Loc (talk) 05:05, 5 November 2015 (UTC)
 * Crap man, until you got to the part about having had a girlfriend I thought I was reading an alternate universe version of my life. Anyway, I'm not sure what to say, "things will get better" is a lie since I can't see the future (and I never liked hearing it from other people anyway). When feeling like I've been hollowed out it sometimes helps me to throw myself into an all-consuming project, leaving no time to think about anything. Listening to humans talking can help, on a podcast or an audiobook or a series of youtube videos. Sunlight is good too, (its a chemical thing, not woo) there are artificial sunlight lamps too (I don't remember if they're expensive). I can only really suggest things to help with the feelings but not with the situation. If professionals are too pricey there are free groups that get together and talk (at least in the US there are, idk about poland), the groups are kind of (s)hit and miss though.... I once went to a group where the organizers literally instructed me on how to wipe my own ass (I'm serious, literally wipe my own ass). Idk if any of that sounds useful to you, good luck. SolPyre (talk) 05:49, 5 November 2015 (UTC)
 * Therapy groups? Heh, I have similar experience with them, although they weren't giving such... detailed instructions. Although I gotta admit, I attended them while I was still a bratty teenager and pretty much everyone else was - so obviously, I don't have good experiences with them. Perhaps I should give them a try. Thanks. :D Loc (talk) 07:00, 5 November 2015 (UTC)

Somehow it actually helped
I don't know how, but writing here (or perhaps doing something else) kinda helped me. I feel more encouraged to actually go to job interviews. I guess it'll still take quite a long time to find a job, but at least I'll be doing something that will give me an actual chance, instead of just complaining. Cross your fingers. Of course, it's still an emotional rollercoaster, but I feel better, in general. At least I stopped contemplating suicide (have been doing that since at least half a year) and I'm really interested in seeing what will the future bring - interested enough to not give up so easily. Loc (talk) 23:27, 6 November 2015 (UTC)
 * This wiki - and not because of this topic, even - is one of the best places on the Internet I ever found. It's not perfect (obviously), but it's very close. Loc (talk) 23:28, 6 November 2015 (UTC)
 * Try applying for something you like. It doesn't have to be grand, it should just satisfy your basic needs. Once you have that, you will have a foundation from which you can build. Pbfreespace3 (talk) 00:44, 7 November 2015 (UTC)
 * This isn't the United States where you have a plenty of job opportunities and if you're lazy you can throw newspapers around for some pocket money. Any job that has a decent pay and doesn't outright exploit you will do here - you don't have a luxury in a career choice, but at least you can find a decent job which pays well for the amount of work you do. Most jobs that are "dream jobs" (ie. allow you to do what you'd like, work in an environment you like) here are about training/practice, and they either don't pay you anything at all for that (but you have some credentials afterwards), or they pay you so little for it it's impossible to survive solely by this. Of course, you can still be very successful and manage to get around something you like, but not before you study for several years - and I'm either really too stupid to do that, or I just need several solid kicks up my ass to get motivated, because right now I have severe self-worth issues and nobody who can do something about it really seems to give a shit - well, they may, but only after I manage to find a job and save some money to see a counselor or something.
 * I even considered working at Biedronka supermarkets where they pay you almost 700 złotys (about 175 bucks) per month for working 8 hours a day, 7 days a week - or from 7:30 AM until midnight (and you still have to wake up at nights sometimes to do something unexpected) for 1500-1700 złotys (about 377 dollars). Laughable and pathetic, I'm really wondering who the hell does work like that. In order to do something you'd like, you just gotta work for decent money, and then do something after hours. Obviously, by investing your own money, or going to the forementioned training jobs. I'm not complaining about this, though. I'll probably manage to save enough to at least get a gym membership or something. Still, it does sound offputting. But I guess I'll just have to grow up and embrace the fact the world isn't fair, but you still gotta manage to get by. Loc (talk) 03:56, 7 November 2015 (UTC)
 * The U.S. is hardly a dream world, as I can tell you from experience. I have clinical depression and I can't work. "Plenty of job opportunities" is hardly the case. Low-wage stuff like newspaper delivery is mostly done by illegal immigrants, often for below minimum wage. Today most decent-paying jobs require a four-year university degree, unless you luck out and can get in the door through personal connections, hence the enormous student debt crisis. Anyway Wikipedia says Poland has some kind of welfare system (there's a Polish article that probably has more detail but of course I can't read it), so if you haven't you ought to look into whether you qualify. You sound like you might have depression. You should probably see a psychiatrist or at least psychologist. I've got my appointment with my new psychiatrist coming up next week! --Ymir (talk) 20:14, 7 November 2015 (UTC)
 * Thanks, Ymir. I indeed suspect myself to be clinically depressed and I will definitely see someone about it, once I make some money. ;) I know there is some social help for those who are having a spree of bad luck, and I'm already using it (I apply, because my father died when I was 9 and I still go to school). I don't know if there's help for people finding trouble with employment, but truth is, it gets to my nerves, because there's a very vocal group of people who look down on such people as "social parasites". Well, I don't want to be a social parasite.
 * Is it normal that I kinda feel like an attention whore right now? I mean, this post kinda helped me move forward, some of you guys responded (which is very nice!), but I just can't shake that feeling. I'm probably worrying too much. Again. :D Loc (talk) 22:57, 7 November 2015 (UTC)