Ted Nugent

"The Nuge" is a splooge. Now, I refer to the famous proclamation Mr. Nugent made last month, when he said that if Obama is re-elected, it would be such an unthinkable catastrophe that he, Ted, would "either be dead or in jail". Or as I call it, a win-win!

Ted Nugent is an American chickenhawk, rock musician and raving lunatic with a fondness for wailing lead guitar, and an insatiable appetite for "underage poontang"   , firearms, killing things, and dodging the draft. Now all washed up — due to the death of the record industry and not at all to do with the fact that his music has steadily become more formulaic, derivative, and unlistenable with each passing year since the 1970s. Originally from Detroit, Michigan, in the 2000s, Nugent often mused about running for Governor of Michigan, only to decide that he's not running after all. In true stopped clock fashion, he has converted his Michigan home into a wildlife preserve and is adamant about hunting being a method of procuring food as opposed to just shooting things. In 2005, Nugent moved his primary residency to Texas (close to the home of George W. Bush). By 2018, Nugent was so wrapped up in Donald Trump style tribal politics, he was calling the state he was born in a "California shithole" and a state that didn't "even qualify as America anymore", simply because Michigan voters elected Democrats to state office. In February of 2013, World Net Daily proudly announced that the man who said "real Americans are working hard, playing hard, white motherfucking shit kickers who are independent" and that African-American rappers appearing on MTV are "big uneducated greasy black mongrels" will be gracing their website once a week with his special brand of wisdom. Ted Nugent openly said he believes some non-whites are subhuman.

Home town
Ted Nugent is from that American success story, Detroit, Michigan. There is no truth to the claim Nugent single-handedly turned Detroit into its present wasteland. There's even less truth to the claim that lazy freeloaders on welfare are solely responsible for it, a claim Ted Nugent backs wholeheartedly.

Music career
In the beginning, Nugent truly was very talented, having created the riff to the song "Journey to the Center of the Mind" by his first band, the Amboy Dukes, when he was merely 19. In addition, his huge and Rock and Roll Hall of Fame-worthy solo hits such as "Stranglehold", "Cat Scratch Fever" and "Wango Tango" rightly deserve their place in the pantheon of great rock and roll songs that changed music forever. However, even in the 1970s, his absolute batshit craziness was on display in certain songs such as his paranoid gun nut screed "Stormtroopin'" and his vile pedophilia ode "Jailbait". The hits dried up for him in the 1980s, largely because he stopped looking for newer and more inventive riffs, and was clearly recycling his past glories (plus he tried to sound too much like Bon Jovi). His only respite from this dry spell was when he became part of the supergroup Damn Yankees, though this is likely largely due to the songwriting and vocals of Tommy Shaw of Styx and Jack Blades of Night Ranger.

Politics
He's far right ... except when he's EXTREMELY MODERATE! He also appeared on InfoWars to discuss gun control after the Texas High School Shooting.

Racism
It's no surprise that the man who referred to Trayvon Martin as a "wannabe gangster" and "Skittles hoodie boy", called Barack Obama a "subhuman mongrel", and even expressed admiration for apartheid in South Africa during his 1990 "Jap Whack" tour, would harbor racist sentiments. Of course, Nugent denies this, claiming things like "I'm Rosa Parks with a Gibson" and using his love of black musicians to state that he's no racist. He also frequently plays covers of songs like Big Joe Williams' "Baby Please Don't Go," Jimi Hendrix's "Red House", Bo Diddley's "Bo Diddley" (of course), and Isaac Hayes' "Soul Man" in concert, along with his usual repertoire. Nugent also claims to support Native American land rights, and claims that he hunts the way Plains tribes did with the buffalo, even using this imagery in some of his albums. Then again, several tribal casinos cancelled some of his concerts, and he has received much attention on the Internet for blaming gun control on a Jewish conspiracy.

Something Corporal Klinger never tried to get out of the Army
According to a legend which at first seemed to be true Nugent avoided the draft during the Vietnam War by getting a psychological deferment. He showed up at the draft board looking and acting like he was homeless and schizophrenic. He also claimed to have urinated and defecated in the pants he wore to his draft board physical. However, in 2006, he claimed he had made the story up because every rocker in the 1970s was making up their own stories about "draft dodging."

Naturally, he is now one of the most vocal proponents of what is popularly known as the Global War on Terror.

Onstage ranting
On 8/24/07, Rolling Stone reported "Decked out in full-on camouflage hunting gear, Nugent wielded two machine guns while raging, "Obama, he's a piece of shit. I told him to suck on my machine gun. Hey Hillary," he continued. "You might want to ride one of these into the sunset, you worthless bitch."

He then got incredibly offended when the Secret Service investigated him. Making threats against presidential candidates is totally protected speech a felony!

The 2013 "Black Power" tour only showed that his rants got even more unhinged, and that he'd always launch these rants before he performed "Stormtroopin'."

Bitten in the ass
Nugent was a COVID denialist until he was sickened by the disease. Before the virus put a stranglehold on Nugent, Nugent frequently made social media posts during the COVID-19 pandemic stating that he would refuse to wear face masks, social distance, or get the "toxic vaccine". Predictably, this led to Nugent contracting the disease, which he announced on April 19, 2021. Of course, when announcing the positive test, he used racial slurs, cast doubt on the COVID-19 vaccine, and praised fellow bullshit artist Mike Lindell.