User talk:MirrorIrorriM

13:33, 15 January 2019 (UTC)

you have a right to be happy
i wont ask for details of your specific situation, and there is probably little i the way of actionable useful advice i can offer, but if you 'accept things will never change' then they never will. or they will change but not in any way that would be desirable. putting up walls to protect oneself is not protecting you from pain. its easy for me or anyone to say to 'break down those walls' its easy for anyone to say 'make the changes you need to make, be who you want to be, be who you are' but its hard to do all of that. you do need to all of that, but i know its hard to do, even when you know its what should do. there are million reasons why you cant, why you won't, or you will but you are waiting for something, its never the right time. self doubt, fear, self loathing, shame, all of that stuff, will find excuses, will stop you even trying, will tell you its not worth it, will tell you you're not worth it. they are not walls to protect you, they are the prison of your own making.

the practical realities of your circumstances may well make things difficult for you, for your friends, for your family, that even the smallest change, the smallest of steps towards the you that you dream of being could have consequences that terrify you, losing friends or family, or more. but there steps that can be taken with no risk. steps that can allow you explore and search and be what you dream of with no danger. explore the possibilities, find if what you dream of is really what you want, find out how much of your dream you can make your reality. you have want you need at your finger tips. the internet can give you a window to worlds you can only dream right now, worlds you never dreamed of. people of all kinds in all places a google search away. and it is entirely anonymous. take on a role. paly a part. see it fits. scratch an itch. see what works for you. only online. no one need know. till you are ready. find new friends, build confidence, learn what you can share, with who and when, learn what parts of the dream you you can bring to the real world, and how.

my life can be a case study for this approach. before i came out at the age of 23, i was miserable. i did not live my life for me, i lived it trying fit in, desperate to fit in. i dressed the way i thought my friends would approve of. i listened to music my friends liked, tried to convince myself i was into the same things as my friends, tried to convince myself i liked girls, but i was convincing no one. i took all the shit they gave me, and if i complained, i was over reacting. i was the butt of jokes, and i took it because i was freak, ugly, never had any kind relationship because who would have me? i drank. i got stoned. perpetually. i kept thinking about men. i had a huge crush on my best friend. i disgusted myself. never did anything about. though if i got laid something would click and everything would be fine. fat chance - i was an unlovable freak. probably a queer too. so i got high. i got drunk. falling down drunk. not everyday, but binging. then one night shit faced, i went cottaging. motorway services on the edge town. everyone knew that poofs would look for trade there in the toilets. i went there. i pulled a guy. i went to his car. i sucked him off. i went home disgusted with myself. then i did it again. and again. disgusted myself. terrified i'd be found out. nearly was once. terrified id get nicked. if i continued i would have been eventually. i would have been found out. not just queer, but a toilet a trader. if i continued like that, i would not be here today.

what saved me was the internet. i didnt know any gay people. i didnt know where to go to meet people like me. but the internet was starting to get big. i paid for a new phone line at home so i could get dial up. i saw gay porn for the first time which was revelation in itself. i found a chat room. found people near by, but far enough away my friends would not find out before i was ready. i found i wasnt ugly. i wasnt a freak. i found people i wanted and they wanted me. i came out. and within 24 hrs all my friends stopped talking to me. best thing that ever happened to me. free from them i rediscovered what i liked, what i wanted, who i was and who i wanted to be. its an ongoing process, and i wont lie - is not been an easy one. all that time trying to be what i was not really did a number on me. i still feel a freak sometimes. still feel ugly sometimes. self doubt, self loathing, shame, fear - still feel all of that noise, its never truely gone away. but its manageable. it doesnt feel hopeless. im not quite who i want to be - who is really? - but im more comfortable with who i am.

dunno if any of this is of any help or if any of it is applicable to you. therapy of some kind is probably a good option. what ever you do, you need to something. you have a right to be happy. you deserve to be happy.

AMassiveGay (talk) 08:18, 20 February 2022 (UTC)
 * Thank you very much. I don't think I'm gay (I might be bi, I've always avoiding sexual activity like the plague so I'm not sure frankly).  So what my deal is is that I'm a masochist.  Most people just look at it like some kind of kink that is just about wanting to be spanked during sex, but for me it is much less about sex and more about general life outlook.  I don't want a relationship where I'm in charge or even an equal partner, what I want is something like the traditional patriarchal relationship but in the submissive role.  I also don't want some kinky relationship where there is some dominatrix uncaringly bullying me.  But openly stating that you want to be submissive and serve others opens you up to exploitation and people who just view you as an easy target.  People have tried to exploit me before so I just bottle it up and hide.  Honestly when it comes to sexuality, while I think I lean straight, I would take a male partner who understood me over a woman who doesn't.  Not that I'm spoiled for choice.  I know that being a masochist isn't really a persecuted group like homosexuality or being trans is, so I feel like I'm just being a whiny privileged yuppie; but I grew up in a fundamentalist southern baptist household.  I already had a very small social circle because I was homeschooled, and everyone I knew I met through church and had all my friends selected for me by my parents.  When I voiced how I felt it destabilized my relationships and I ended up being kicked out of my church (literally, they told me "don't come back"), I lost every friend who found out about it (which luckily wasn't all of them).  I ended up moving out from my parents, who were half convinced that "drugs ruined their son" even though I had never actually smoked or drank anything in my life (how could I?  they controlled all my interactions with people).  I've been dealing with the fallout from all of this for the past 6 years, and now that things are sort of coming back together I'm terrified of losing everything again, so I've just been hiding everything.  But I find myself being miserable and unable to even work at my job effectively because I feel so sad and lonely.
 * You mentioned a therapist, I actually have one to help me with depression/anxiety (although I'm pretty sure I have ADHD and would like something for that, but my psychiatrist and neurologist disagree on it, it's, as the kids say, "a whole thing"); but I feel like (while it helps keep me stable) it isn't really going anywhere. My therapist (who is also my neurologist) mostly focuses on trying to help me with a brain disorder that makes me go into a panic attack if I hear certain sounds (such as chewing, slurping on a drink, typing on a keyboard, creaking floor boards, basically any clicky sounds, or droning sounds like a washing machine or dishwasher).  Basically what would happen is that whenever I heard a sound such as people chewing or sipping on a coffee, my brain couldn't process the sound correctly and would just repeat it over and over, causing pain every time it did so.  This looping could go on for hours and without finding a distraction I would ultimately break down screaming in pain.  It was also strongly linked to memory, and remembering a sound from the past would cause it to start looping again, an effect which could persist for a few weeks (especially bad sounds from years ago I can still hear clearly if I think about them, such as a man sipping a coffee from a styrofoam cup behind me in college during a programming course.  I can still hear the sound of the coffee going through his mustache).  I hid that for years because I didn't want people to think I was crazy ("hearing things" is often brandied about as a sign of being schizophrenic, and I was terrified of being labeled as one), so I ended up just letting it escalate.  During my early childhood people thought I was just super unstable and irritable.  Before during the period where the sound was looping, I could find relief by playing music "louder" than the looping sounds, which often meant I would have to play music at the highest volume it could go and put my ears directly up to the speakers.  This worked pretty well and prevented countless panic attacks, but wouldn't always succeed and now I'm mostly deaf from having to do it so much.  During the panic attacks the only thing that really helped was hitting my head against things to try and cause intense enough pain to break out of the panic attack (my bedroom wall growing up was covered in holes from me smashing my head through in my panic looking for relief).  Even my counter in my apartment's bathroom is shattered from me driving my head through it, but luckily modern medical science found a way.  After years of treatment and neural feedback therapy I'm functionally cured at this point (although I do have occasional relapses).  The reason I bring this up is that I think all of this established throughout my formative years that I was incapable of self control, and the only relief from pain was pain.  Regardless of whether or not that's right, it's shaped who I am today and I seriously doubt it will ever change, and I'm not sure I want it to change even if I had the power to do so.
 * Trying to look online for a community of people who feel the way I do, I just get bombarded by weirdos who want someone to stomp on their dick. I feel like the number of people who genuinely feel the way I do is massively dwarfed by sexual fetishists and people who desire rejection (such as cuckolds and the like) which I don't at all.  Reading online about people who try to have a serious relationship as a male submissive, the attitude most people have about it is that masochism makes you a weak partner, and someone who can't demand respect from a partner is not worth people's time and will ultimately be abandoned and discarded.
 * I also hope this doesn't come across as insulting, like I'm insinuating that what I'm going through is worse than the discrimination that LGBT people have to go through, because at the end of the day I'm just a fat bearded white guy with moderately-rich parents who is sad that he doesn't have a girlfriend. I only was able to afford college because my parents paid for it, and my dad (who is the VP at a tech company) could basically support me even if I lost my job and everything else.  I'm not even 30 and I personally have over 160K in stocks and have no debt.  Me complaining feels like the most spoiled privileged brat shit ever, and I don't deserve the money I only have because I have a degree my parents paid for.  That's part of the reason I offer money to people on this forum who complain about being in hard financial situations, because I have more than I deserve or need.  But money doesn't buy happiness (although in my case it does buy medical care in a for-profit healthcare industry).  So I have this internal conflict, that I should be happy because I have everything (except a girlfriend) that a person in america is supposed to want, but I feel dead inside, devoid of any true compassion.  Rich yuppies are the worst fucking people ever btw.  They have no sympathy for anyone else, and their attitude is that any hard times or pain is deserved.  A shootout happened within 15 meters from me on my street from a drug deal gone bad and I had to take cover; I tell this to them and their attitude is "well what did you expect? poor people live there; buy a house on a nicer street".  I ask for help for my hearing problem and was just told to "man up and deal with it.  maybe intentionally expose yourself to it to get stronger?"; a solution which I know now would have caused permanent brain damage from neurological misfiring (if I didn't give it to myself with a concussion first).  So basically what I'm saying is I'm just a terrible person.  A rich kid who has the means to solve their problems but is too incompetent to do so and with the emotional literacy of a toddler.
 * I would write more (a terrifying prospect, I know), but I need to get to work. If you actually end up reading all of this, I will be amazed and touched, frankly.  MirrorIrorriM (talk) 14:37, 21 February 2022 (UTC)
 * It's entirely irrelevant if others are having 'a harder time'. You are not others and if you are having difficulties you are having difficulties. Don't be a shamed of that. AMassiveGay (talk) 15:49, 21 February 2022 (UTC)
 * The submissive thing isn't that unusual either. Not in the gay world at least. Don't be ashamed of that either. Just be aware there is a fine line with that and self harm. I can attest to that. AMassiveGay (talk) 15:52, 21 February 2022 (UTC)