Fun:On the Virtues of a Herb

Fellow naturopaths, homeopaths, and holistic healers:

It is great to be here. I see we have many new faces in the crowd. Alternative medicine is clearly expanding.

We are privileged people. We have been blessed with the knowledge of treatments used for thousands of years, passed on to us by the great healers of antiquity. To our credit, we have billions of cases of cured cancer, HIV/AIDS, and malaria, all thanks to gentle, natural, holistic medicine. And yet, we are constantly ridiculed. Every day, the press and various skeptical groups mock us, and persecute us for healing people without using toxic allopathic “treatments”. Pharmaceutical corporations have many people paid specifically to criticize our cures.

The government frequently bans gentle and effective remedies such as Hyman’s Homeopathic Tablets and ma huang, which are both harmless, for no other reason than that they pose a threat to the medical establishment’s profits.

But what can we do about it?

I have a proposal.

As you may know, most of the herbs we use are tried and true treatments used for millennia in various traditional medicine systems around the world. St. John’s Wort, willow bark are among them.

There is another one, which, because of government regulation and the hostility of the greedy medical industry, cannot be sold by naturopaths or herbal healers. It has been used for centuries in indigenous medicine. They used it successfully for many, many, things, such as cancer, smallpox, colds, intestinal parasites, wounds, and asthma, both internally and externally. When the Europeans came, they immediately recognized its wonderful benefits, going so far as to call it the “Holy Herb” and "God's Remedy". Obviously, it wouldn't have been used by so many people if it didn't work. The Europeans spread it throughout the Old and New Worlds to promote its healing properties. It was widely recognized as a cure for many illnesses. Some of the oldest centenarians who ever lived used this herbal remedy, and it helped them live longer. Jeanne Calment, the oldest person who ever lived, used it, and she lived to be 122, thanks to the plant's immunizing and anti-cancer properties. Jean Sibelius took it, and despite the fact that he was a notorious alcoholic, he lived to be 91. The herb is so powerful, it can counteract alcohol damage. His doctors told him he would die if he didn't stop taking it. Later in life he said that all the doctors who told him not to take it were dead. What a triumph of natural cures! The plant was Marcel Proust's favorite asthma remedy, and he felt relief after taking it.

The healing powers of this plant used to be common knowledge, and a very large number of the packages in which this herb was sold advertized the many things it could cure. But in the last century, the nascent drug industry recognized this threat and, with the help of the corrupt government, spread false information, propaganda, and tampered clinical trials to change the public’s image of it, and corrected the travesty of people selling natural cures. (How dare they be allowed to help sick people?) The government made herb sellers take down all packages stating the obvious fact that this natural remedy was a miraculous medicine. Not only that, but they forced them to say that it was harmful!

What is this wonderful herb?

Tobacco.

Now, hear me out.

What makes tobacco so different from the other herbs we use? We’ve all seen how cancer just goes away when treated with all-natural plants and homeopathy. And yet, allopathy releases biased trials that say they don’t work, though there are millions of people who attest to their efficacy. These are the same trials that say homeopathy, Reiki, iridology, echinacea, and acupuncture don't work. If we don't adopt tobacco, what's next? Are we going to get rid of therapeutic touch? Or live blood analysis? There's no telling what consequences accepting scientific studies can have for us and our cures. When so many people recognized tobacco's healing powers, prior to the allopathic revolution, why should it be subject to so many harsh regulations?

Now, many if not all of you probably have some doubts about what I am claiming here. I completely understand that. After all, the allopaths have almost completely managed to (if I may use the word) "brainwash" society into distrusting tobacco, and almost everybody now considers it common knowledge that it is a harmful drug. Naturopaths wanting, naturally, to help people, and being very wary of toxins, as any good wellness-conscious individual should be, they absorbed this advice wholeheartedly. But there's a flaw in this logic, which most people have somehow failed to notice: How can tobacco be harmful and full of toxins if it's natural?

To demonstrate that tobacco is not harmful, it is sufficient to look at the many long-lived smokers who lived to be over 100, and also at those who chain-smoked their entire lives, and were as healthy as oxen. Clearly, if tobacco were poison, examples such as these would be impossible. You cannot take poison day-in-day-out for decades and yet still be alive and kicking.

But perhaps you still don't believe me. Maybe you have your own stories about the detrimental effects of this herbal remedy. Much has been made of the allegedly harmful symptoms of tobacco smoking, such as the so-called "smoker's cough," and lung cancer. This is a typical example of the kind of propaganda with which allopaths have managed to infiltrate holistic healing. It is true that the smoker's cough does exist, but it is completely harmless. In fact, it is actually beneficial. When a person inhales the beneficient fumes of God's Remedy, the vital energy and synergetic compounds of the plant go into the lungs and permeate the entire body. This energy draws all the toxins present in the body towards the lungs, and causes a coughing reflex, which empties the poisons now contained in the lungs. The body is now toxin-free. Thus, the coughing caused by smoking is merely a sign that the body is detoxifying itself. In other words, it's a "detox symptom", to use the scientific jargon of current holistic medicine.

As for what is known as "cancer," this is yet again a failure of allopathy to mistake symptoms for causes. Smoking is not only a preventative, but it is also an alarm system. You see, people who do not believe in natural healing have toxins build up gradually in their bodies, over the course of several years. During this phase, symptoms are usually very mild and go away on their own; they are indeed very similar to the normal discomforts people normally get throughout their lives. This impression is dangerously misleading, as the symptoms are indicative of an underlying problem that is lethal. Eventually, the toxins reach a critical mass, and the person then dies of a sudden illness. For smokers, on the other hand, the process is slightly different. Rather than having mild symptoms, the smoker will develop a lump, which can easily detected through iridology or live blood analysis, but which people usually detect through the poisonous diagnostic techniques used in hospitals and clinics. What is this lump? It is a clump of synthetic chemicals resulting from years of exposure to electronics, artificial food additives, motor vehicle exhaust, and gluten.

How can this lump appear, if tobacco purifies the body? The answer is that some people are so inundated with toxic chemicals, that even tobacco is not sufficient to clear it all. In these cases, tobacco causes the toxins to pile up into an easily visible mass, so that it can be easily detected, and the underlying cause treated. What do I mean by underlying cause? I mean that "cancer" is not a disease, but a symptom of a disease: namely, toxin overload. Allopaths, in their usual misguided attempt to treat symptoms instead of illnesses, try to "cure" the clump of toxins by bombarding it with yet more toxins. In other words, they treat toxin overload with toxin overload! Yes, tobacco does cause the discomforts commonly attributed to cancer, but it does this only in order to alert the patient that something is terribly wrong, and only those patients who have toxin overload; the majority do not get these symptoms. Without this warning system, the patients would just wake up one day, dead, with no idea that they had ever been sick. With it, they know how to treat themselves, and therefore avoid an early demise. This does not mean, however, that tobacco smokers who do not manifest symptoms of illness are actually sick, and unaware of it. For one, I have debunked this already by emphasizing the naturalness of God's Remedy. In case this theory-grounded argument does not convince you (irrefutable though it may be), I will simply note that smokers who feel fine are simply not ill. There are two types of smokers: those who are toxin-free, and so feel perfectly fine, and those who have toxin overload, and so feel awful. There is no middle ground. (As an aside, it must be remembered that most smokers do not suffer from toxin overload and so do not experience any unpleasant symptoms. Still, there are some who take in so many artificial chemicals that even the detoxifying effects of tobacco are not sufficient; in these cases, the toxin overload and the accompanying symptoms can be easily and quickly cured with certain supplements. My health food store just so happens to sell those supplements; if any of you are interested, I'll be distributing business cards after the convention.)

From these observations, it is obvious what the rise in "lung cancer" is really caused by. Polluting chemicals. It is also "caused" by tobacco in the sense that tobacco makes the "cancers" more visible and widely diagnosed than they otherwise would be. It doesn't really cause them; without tobacco, the cases of toxin overload would simply be invisible and go by unnoticed.

Despite all this, I do admit that tobacco has caused more harm than good, though not because of any property inherent to the herb itself. Most cases of "cancer" are treated not as they should be, with a strict diet and dozens of supplements and vitamins, but with the invasive and fatal "treatment" modalities of allopathy. To change this situation, much work needs to be done in advocating our cause and showing allopaths and skeptics the error of their ways. When I think of how many millions of people have needlessly died because of the allopaths'...

[The speaker pauses, then wipes a tear from his eye.]

I'm sorry. It's a very emotional issue for me.

Anyway, the real killer is not tobacco, but the barbaric mutilation and murder that passes for "modern" medicine, and which is justified in the name of "science" and "evidence"-based medicine. The evidence in question, of course, being fabricated statistics. A more apt description would be "lie-based medicine"!

In conclusion, we must restore the holy herb to its rightful place, and fight the government for its deregulation. It’s an uphill battle, with vested interests against it, but if we put our minds to it, we can succeed!

Thank you.

[The crowd goes wild; loud, sustained applause]

Postscript
Note that by changing a few details here and there and replacing the word "tobacco" with something else, you can make this speech be about virtually any alternative remedy. Because of this article's versatility and fill-in-the-blank nature, an alternative title could be How To Bullshit Your Way Through Anything.