Essay:A story about Vampires

It was a long night comprised of death certificates, estate taxes, and coffee pots at the morgue. When all his work was done, Dave walked into the bathroom before noticing something was wrong. "Why's the toilet seat up?", he mumbled for a bit before deciding he was seeing things. After doing his business, he walked back into his office to find a filled pot of coffee on the file cabinet. Dave slowly walked toward the cabinet, shaking with fear. By the time he reached the cabinet, he stared at the pot, then into a sliver of purple carefully hidden behind the cabinet. Dave took the pot, grabbed the cabinet and pushed it away, revealing a world with a purple sky with yellow ground. "I think 4 pots is too much." he whispered to himself. "Hey Deacon!!! You heard that right!?" "Do you ever shut up?! I heard it but that's no reason to start screaming!!" Dave turned and ran towards the crevice, but a vampire dressed in a tuxedo grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him backward. "Hey Deacon!!! It's a human!!!" Another vampire dressed in a suit approached and growled, "I have eyes!! I can see that!!". He glanced at Dave, then turned to the other vampire, "Take him to Sean" and kicked Dave in the head, making him gently drop the pot onto the ground. Deacon stared down at the pot, and then picked it up.

Dave was tossed into the vampires throne room, Deacon following behind with the pot. Sean stared down at Dave and then screamed, "SO YOOOOOOOOURRRRRRRE THE HUMAN WHO WANTS TO KILLLLLLLLLLL US NOW ARRRRRRRREN'T YOUUUUUUU?!?!?!?!?" before descending into a fit of coughing. "No, i'd just like to know why there's an interdimmensional portal or some other crap like that behind my file cabinet.". "Execute him now!". Dave began thinking up a plan, and he found it. "Can I have my pot back?" Deacon handed it over to him. "I have holy water in here!", Dave shouted, "Now tell me everything!". Sean stood up, "Did a priest bless it?". "Even better than that! A saint blessed it!". "Which one?". Dave hesitated for a second, but he had his response, "Saint Reagan blessed it! And the pot! And the coffeemaker!". Sean walked toward him, pulling a sword out of its sheath. Dave then removed the top of the pot, and flung coffee at Sean. Unlike regular holy water, this caused Sean to ingite, then scream like a dying goat, then shrivel up before freezing. Dave walked to the throne and sat on it. "Well, i'm your new king I guess." Dave said surprisingly calm, "Now I have a job for you. Go to Houen and eat Lucas Birch or something like that." One vampire approached the throne and shouted, "Why should we do anything you say?". "I have more coffee.". After that, all the vampires ran off in separate directions, all arguing about where Houen was. When Dave returned to the morgue, he superglued and ductaped the file cabinet to the wall before heading home. When his assistant Aaron arrived, late at usual, one question filled his mind. "Since when were there two file cabinets in here?".