2017 French presidential elections



After the disaster that occurred in 'Murica, France also has an election with a Trumpismo nationalist having a scary chance at becoming president. With the left ripped in pieces and nationalism rising, it does not look good. France, according to Trump, isn't France anymore, which makes the current title incorrect. The candidates of the major parties (The Republicans and the Socialist Party) don't poll well, which means this election could bring a radical change in french politics.

The first round sent Emmanuel Macron and Marine Le Pen into the runoff, where Macron demolished Le Pen with over 60 percent of the vote. Meet your new President, the former banker, France.

Dey took 'err jerbs!
Marine Le Pen and François Fillon want the migrants to get away from France. Manuel Valls doesn't like those goddamned gypsies, who aren't here to be French and should go back to their goddamned country &mdash; oops, they don't have one. The French people are getting to hate immigrants for many reasons, because they think that migrants steal their jobs, because of the recent terrorist attacks, because the immigrants have a different culture and supposedly "kill" France's culture, France's soul, and the migrants can't say "omelette au fromage" properly, blah, blah.

Unemployment
Probably the most important problem in France, unemployment rose very high during François Hollande's presidency. Candidates have different solutions, such as a lower corporate tax, lower minimum wage or higher minimum wage, longer work week or shorter work week, etc…

Hollande and his government has taken some measures against unemployment such as : the CICE, a tax credit, which people in the syndicate of employers MEDEF promised would create 1 million jobs, and the Pacte de Responsabilité et de solidarité, which lowers "labor costs". The CICE "probably" saved 50000 or 100000 jobs, which is very low considering it's cost. It is too soon to know whether the Pacte de Responsabilité had any influence on unemployment.

The debt
The debt now amounts to almost all of France's GDP, candidates have very serious ways to fix this problem, like lowering taxes, removing the wealth tax, and keep doing austerity policies.

Loi travail
One of the issues of this election is going to be the El Khomri law, which make it easier and shorter to fire people. Many candidates want to reject it.

The environment
Just kidding, nobody gives a damn (well, not the important candidates).

On the right
Things are going well for the right-wing, since Hollande's center-left presidency was a disaster, both economically and for security.

Front National
Impossible to mention French politics without the Front National, the far-right party of Marine Le Pen, a nationalist and socialist candidate. Heavily against Islamism, while at the same time hating the same things that Islamists hate.

They want to get rid of immigrants, get rid of the European Union, get rid of gay marriage and adoption. Le Pen wants to ban Muslim women's veils on the street (which wouldn't cause more radicalization, of course not!). Le Pen also compared the simple presence of Muslims in France to the country's Nazi occupation during World War II. She also wants to force stunning animals because muslims are cruel on animals ! She cares so much about animal rights ! She is for the death penalty, unlike her buddy. To be honest, she's very progressive compared to what her party was when her father was in charge. Marine Le Pen is polling higher and higher, but France thankfully has a second round between the two highest candidates in the elections.

She also proposed death penalty on drug dealers, and opposes legalization of cannabis, because how dare you sell and smoke what you want!

As for her economic plans, she proposes price controls, strategic planning to reindustrialize the country, urban planning, (re)nationalization of university, schools and of the mail service. Sounds a lot like old school to be honest.

The FN also wants that the ENA, a very reputed school, hire mostly patriots.

Marine Le Pen likes the idea of basic income as it would allow women to stay at home and take care of children.

Republicans, and Republican primary
The primary of the right-wing party, Les Républicains, was one in which the major candidates were the disastrous candidate Nicolas Sarkozy, the ancient Prime Minister Alain Juppé, and the ancient Prime Minister François Fillon. Sarkozy's defeat was obvious; he kept flip-flopping on gay marriage, said that nothing else should be done against climate change. Alain Juppé was announced in advance by polls and media as the winner of the primary. But it was François Fillon who won. Fillon is a fan of Thatcher; he wants to outlaw gay adoption to protect the kids, he wants to abolish the solidarity tax on wealth, and to fire state employees. He also wants to make teachers work as many hours as every other worker and the French media defends him on this, quoting studies that say teachers work more in other countries, except Finland. He also said that colonization was just to share french culture. He also voted against the abrogation of laws that only applied to homosexuals, and voted against the PACS, which is a civil union without marriage, for everyone including gays. He also voted against the decriminalization of homosexuality back when Mitterand tried to convince the UN that homosexuality was still permitted in France, although to be fair on the last one, everyone in his party did it and it had a lot to do with the fact that Mitterand was tyrannical and refused to listen towards anyone else. However, he still did not regret voting against it. Fillon seems to be unaware of bad health's role in poverty, since he wants to reduce payment of benign ilness.

He believes that there are too many foreigners in France, he is against the automatic acquisition of nationality for people born in France, which was introduced in the French Revolution but has since been watered down to be less than what the American 14th Amendment guarantees - Germany, coming from the opposite direction, is now actually almost as progressive on citizenship as France.

He wanted to work with Assad, until Aleppo was "liberated", and he realised that the idea of working with Assad was bad for his campaign meant allying with a war criminal.

He is considered to be an anti-establishment candidate, despite having been prime minister.

He claimed to be the reason why there is still Internet in France. We can thank him along Al Gore for creating the Internet and Bush for discovering Internets.

Debout la France !
Debout la France (France Arise) is a party founded by Dupont-Aignan. They are mostly considered right-wing, but that is actually hard to put on the political spectrum for their ideas that comes from both sides. They are in favor of participatory economics, which holds that workers should participate in decisions of the company, they are opposed to globalization and think many problems such as pollution or unemployement are caused by liberalism and globalization. They want wage equality between men and women. They also are for protection of animals, as the leader of the party, in the city where he is mayor, refused to accept a circus with wild animals, gave help to an association that helps stray cats, is for outlawing breeding of animals for fur, and created an office delegated to animal cause.

They also want to regulate immigration, want to expand France's culture to the world, oppose euthanasy, legalization of cannabis and homosexual adoption.

On the left
The French left is divided, the center-left tries to convince people that they really care about the poor, and the left and far-left are trying to be the French Bernie Sanders.

Parti Socialiste
The French socialist party has become a mess after Hollande, who did almost nothing during his presidency. Hollande has decided not to run for president, which everyone agrees was a great Christmas gift. But instead, something far worse came: Manuel Valls, the Prime Minister, who dislikes gypsies, forced laws without Senate approval using the 49.3 article of the Constitution that he now wants to remove, passed a law to reduce corporate taxes, and hated by the left, for being too right-wing. He also dislikes the burkini, and explained that Marianne (the woman in a famous french revolution painting) doesn't wear a veil, and she's free, that's the Republic, and those women who wear the veil aren't free! We wonder when will he wear a Phrygian cap. He also wants to rename the party, since he is a social democrat (or he claims to be, but he is mostly considered to be a social liberal). He also thinks that sociological explanations of terrorism are an excuse of terrorism. He also started to accuse his opponent Hamon of being ambiguous on islam, and supporters of Valls considered Hamon to be the useful idiot of islamo-leftism and of being the candidate of the Muslim Brotherhood. Marine Le Pen even said it feels like she reads herself when Valls talks about islam.

There is also Arnaud Montebourg, an entrepreneur who wants a sixth republic. Many left and far-left candidates want a sixth republic, they will maybe stop at a hundred. If the Fifth Republic isn't ended soon, it will outlast the Third Republic (1870-1940) and we can't let that happen. He also is against globalization, and wants to have more products "Made in Frane". He says that he will maybe nationalize some banks, give 80% of public markets to small companies for 8 years, suspend posted workers because it is social dumping.

The actual socialist candidate Jérémie Courbin Benoît Hamon wants basic income, a sixth republic also, legalized cannabis, he wants the people to have the right to demand referendums through petitions, and wants blank votes to be recognised. He hates the importance we give to growth and explains it is bad to abandon social policies for more growth. He also if for a constitutionalization of common goods, an idea which he says he took from Bernie's platform. He wants the use of these commons to be decided by citizens through an "environmental democracy". He likes to mock Macron, and hopes to be the Fillon of the left.

Then there is Peillon. Ignoring unemployment and debt, he is the defender of Hollande and want to go further in Holland's actions.

Probable result
Hamon is rising in the polls, and since both Valls, Peillon and Montebourg have started to collectively bash him, he has high chances to win. Since he proposed to contact Macron, Mélenchon and Jadot to prepare the ralliement of the left, he might make Mélenchon win.

Result
Benoît Hamon and Manuel Valls are qualified for the runoff. Benoit Hamon is the winner of the second round, and is therefore the candidate of the Socialist Party.

France Insoumise
There is also the candidate Jean-Luc Mélenchon, who is backed by the movement France Insoumise. He wants a shorter work week, which has reduced unemployment when tried, he wants a higher minimum wage, legalized cannabis, the company's shareholder vote to be modulated by the shareholder's investment time to avoid vultures, and many other left-wing policies. Unlike many, he considers that it's wrong to blame the poor for being poor, as it might persuade the poor that it's their fault and then, the psychological consequences would make it impossible for them to get out of poverty. He wants to get out of European treaties that stop France from making socialist policies. While commenting on US elections, he has shown that he doesn't like Hillary Clinton, but likes Bernie Sanders, and thinks Bernie would have won against Trump. He is for outlawing 'stock market redundancies'. He wants to protect what he calls "common goods", such as water, air, food, etc...

He also is for a sixth republic.

He isn't very popular, except on YouTube where he has more than 100,000 followers, and has even more than Hillary or Trump, making him the major french politician on YouTube. He is forced to use YouTube because the media give him a bad image.

Nouveau Parti Anticapitaliste
The Nouveau Parti Anticapitaliste (New Anticapitalist Party) is a far-left party, opposed to private property of major means of production, of trade and of communication, productivism. They are for ecosocialism, degrowth, feminism. They never get many votes, as their candidate Poutou got 1.15% of votes. They refuse any alliance with other left-wing parties, for reasons.

Their platform include the requisition of all banks to put them under control of workers, outlawing lay-off, and a minimum income for farmers.

Despite being close to communism, some moonbats consider them as social democrats.

Lutte Ouvrière
Very similar to the above, but even more sectarian and with a much more orthodox Marxist/Trotskyist outlook. Strangely enough, they are one of the most pro-science parties when it comes to hard science. They bitterly oppose the previous party on the issue of degrowth and productivism, as well as religion, being more aggressively secularist.

Macron


Emmanuel Macron, former economic advisor who "forgot" to pay taxes, He looks like a Goldman Sachs banker out of Central Casting. Oh wait, he is a former banker. He's also ruthlessly centrist. (Basically Bloomberg.)

He's been full-flown "law and order" for a while now—in some respects, even more so than Fillon without the racial/religious component.

François Bayrou
François Bayrou, the centrist, is probably going to run for the election, as he dislikes Fillon. He likes the European Union, he wants gay marriage to be called "union". He also wants education to be a priority. He also wants to develop social economy.

He is anti-capitalist and opposed to socialism.

Bayrou is like the Lib Dem candidate of France in that he sometimes creates media buzz but mostly just acts a spoiler taking votes from both the main conservative bloc and the Socialists.

Bayrou endorsed Macron, leading the mainstream media to anoint him as the unequivocal front-runner despite polls predicting a three way dead heat.

UPR
L'Union Populaire Républicaine is a party whose most important policy is to leave the European Union, that they consider as anti-democratic. They also are critical of the society of consommation, which they blame for the "seventh continent" of plastic, and they also believe consumerism is pushed by the European Union. Their platform guarantee of a level of pay and housing allowing security and dignity for every citizen and his family, nationalizing major privatized means of production, rebuild independant syndicalism, favor participation of workers in the economy.

They believe the European Union was a plan of the United States and consider the EU as a dictatorship, they are close to conspiracy theorists and their platform includes supporting alternative medecines.

Jean Lassalle
A former centrist ally of François Bayrou, has a more agrarian (and fringy) outlook.

Jacques Cheminade
Basically Lyndon LaRouche's pawn in this election, a third-time candidate. Mostly treated like a living joke by the media because of his platform (which involves space travel) and perennially low scores in every election he had taken part in.