Essay:My Religious Crisis

Throughout my life, I have always considered myself as part of the Catholic church. I was baptized in the pool, ate Jesus's skin, and sucked his blood like Dracula when I was in 2nd grade. Until I was in 6th grade, I went to RE to learn more about what some zombie did and how it related to people he had never met. It bored me to tears and it started to make me wonder if it was even worth it so I can marry someone in the church.

I kept going to RE until 7th grade when the church had provoked my mom more than it already has. On that night, they mandated that my mom would have to go with me in order to usher in a new "family" theme. They separated me from my mom so we can do child-friendly things, like playing P.E. games that followed with hour-long discussions on how it represented a saint's anecdote or an event in the bible. As to my mother, she did not see me do such things and had to hear a presentation about how she cannot drink, watch pornography or call herself a "Straight Ally". This was the new way they were going to teach RE, and it did not please my mother one bit. We head home early and never went back to that school ever again.

It has become much more apparent to me that Religion was just a product of humanity's fear of death. If YHWH really had created me from inside my father's balls with his love and perfection in his sight, then why was I diabetic? Why was I autistic? Why was I asexual? The question has been barely answered to me by other Christian schisms other than it was a "punishment" on my father's agnosticism ( not being put into play). But according to other religions, it's because I don't follow a view that would conflict with some Christian values. They all say these gods love me, but they also say they hate me at the same time. I also cannot label myself as an "atheist" because it is being dishonest to myself as I cannot confirm or deny a divine being's existence.

I could theoretically call myself a "Lapsed Catholic", but I've probably been excommunicated already because of my activity and conversations with atheists, agnostics, and followers of other faiths. I could say I'm agnostic, but I am too culturally adjusted to Christianity, thanking "God" when I do instead of saying "thank a divine being that may or may not exist". It's just dishonesty.

In a nutshell, I. Just. Don't. Fucking. Know. I definitely know that I'm not a pagan because I know all of the "gods appeasement" bullshit is bullshit, but monotheism is the thing that confuses me. I think maybe the best thing I'd call myself is a "Cultural Christian", but for now I'm a confused teenager.