User:Stabby the Misanthrope/An American Life

"This was inspired by Dumpling's personal essay 'I'm Only Human.' It's a fascinating, touching, and sincere work, written by a wonderful human being, and I highly recommend you read it." "This essay is going to be... different from hers. Obviously, we're not the same person, so the story will be different."

"You guys are so American," Gen, one of my brother's innumerable college friends, said.

"We are?" I said, taken aback.

He nodded. "You live in the suburbs, there's an American flag flying on your street, and you're barbecuing hot dogs."

I didn't give much credence to it, at the time. There was no way that could be true, because my family was too fucked up to be American. While simply trying live, we had all compromised ourselves too deeply, and screwed up our lives up so badly. Barbecuing hot dogs didn't even begin to describe us.

= Parents =

= Medication and condition =

The nature of doubt
Being Asperger's means always doubting.

It means always carrying this weight around in you mind, that nothing you do is "normal," and you're just faking your whole life. There is something wrong with you, and you will spend your whole life second-guessing everything you do, wondering if what you're feeling is how normal people are supposed to feel, wondering if this is how normal people think, how normal people move.

Doubt is exhausting, and it makes every social interaction tiresome and unbearable, because you just know everyone you meet is judging you for things you don't know you can be judged for, and knowing you will always fall short, that you will never pass for normal.

= Brothers =

Disillusionment
= Addiction =

Twice more, with feeling
= Failure =

= Parents, again =

Compromise (Jew yourself down)
= Politics and religion =