Essay:Why All Alaskans Are Mentally Ill

It is a well-known fact (by me) that all Alaskans suffer from severe mental illness. Thankfully, the good Lord has made known to me the reasons for this.

Geography
Maine is the part of the U.S. furthest from the equator (except for Alaska). This makes all the difference. Large sheets of ice called "glashers" or something like that, and mountains and stuff keep all the people apart so that they get lonely.

Physical
This isolation leads to loneliness, Onanism...

Genetic
...and inbreeding.

Sunlight, what's that?
They suffer from chronic seasonal affective disorder.

Dessert
And they have a lame, old-fashioned dessert named after them, which does not contain goat.

Anecdotal evidence
Valerie Plame is from Alaska, and she clearly has a persecution complex, thus essentially proving the hypothesis.

But the Technology!
At least one of them understands the Internet!