Essay:Defense of My Religion

It has come to my attention that many people think my religion is somehow inferior to others,or "weird and evil", so it has become necessary to take on the mantle of "Defender of the Faith".

shhh
First, some take issue with the fact that the Name of my religion must never be spoken. NEVER. Not even during fund-raisers. To speak It with a human voice would demean and debase it. If you speak the Name, you have revealed not only your ignorance, but your disrespect. Besides, that's not how It's pronounced.

Our Benefactor
For some reason, outsiders seem to find His name humorous. Giggling when we speak about Him is disrespectful, and, were you a believer, the highest form of heresy. The consequences of heresy are outlined very clearly in the Book, and there for all to read. For those of you who have difficulty reading Assyrian, I have translated the most relevant part:
 * b) Any such proposal under subsection (a) shall describe the anticipated effects on performance resulting from greater managerial or organizational flexibility, discretion, and authority, and shall quantify the expected improvements in performance resulting from any waiver. The expected improvements shall be compared to current actual performance, and to the projected level of performance that would be achieved independent of any waiver.

Liturgical Truth
The Liturgy, which includes, as is well known, the Book, the Commentaries (for the Orthodox, these include those written before and after the Book), and the Illustrations. The various other proposed canonical works have been proven scientifically to be hoaxes. Also, the only known exercise of the Clause of Extreme Unction and Penance was during the Facial Hair debacle in which the Illustrations were altered by a fringe group. You know who you are.

Anesthesia
Verbotten. I mean it.

Summary
I hope that this has cleared up the many misunderstandings that have recently been aired regarding my faith. I hope to add to this as becomes necessary. And as they say:
 * Nethqadash shmakh teytey malkuthakh Metol dilakhie malkutha wahayla wateshbukhta l'ahlam almin.

Next Year in Newark!