Fun:Andrew Schlafly



''""
 * - Conservapedia's top homeschooling prodigy on Conservapedia homeschooling courses''

''""
 * - Actual quote from Conservapedia's homeschool teacher, Andrew Schlafly''

"Schafly looks like a poor-quality action figure of Stephen Colbert."
 * - Some Evil Liberal Mocker at Cracked.com.

 Sir Andrew Layton Schlafly, Esquire, (/æsflaɪ/; allegedly born April 27, 1961) is a complete and utter lunatic. He is an aspiring blogger, conservative conspiracy theorist, master of reading and writing, querulant legal expert, and the owner of the highly educational online encyclopedia Conservapedia, which is actually a sad excuse for a parody of conservatives. He is currently undefeated in any debate due to his skillful use of the Schlafly Reversal, the Schlafly Stretch, Schlafly Statistics, and the fact that he can just ban anyone who disagrees with him from his site.

Childhood
Allegedly born in Alton, Missouri, on 27 April 1961 CE, it was perhaps Andy's misfortune to be born to a remarkable but utterly misguided woman at the peak of her powers. By the time he was eighteen, his mother Phyllis had written nine ill-argued and reactionary tomes, helped bring the Equal Rights Amendment to its knees, been a full-time working three-time anti-feminist candidate for Congress, become a twice-weekly syndicated newspaper columnist, and recently enrolled as a full-time law student at Washington University in St. Louis, all while proclaiming and fighting for the "real rights of women" which is to be a homemaker, at home, doing nothing more. Although he faithfully absorbed her values and unreason, he inherited none of her vigor or charisma. The young Andrew was homeschooled until the age of 7. (It has been conjectured that Andy may be suffering from rejoicing in a version of the Œdipus complex, this is unlikely as the words "complex" and "Schlafly" do not sit well together.) There is some evidence to suggest that he later attended Saint Louis Priory School, a private Catholic boys' school, graduating in 1978. His father, lawyer Fred Schlafly, may have encouraged his children to follow him to law school.

Schlafly allegedly gets degree


He has no clear accomplishments that are not the likely result of him being a trust-fund momma's-boy who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Some of the examples border on the absurd, and others far overshoot it. He claims to have graduated from Princeton in 1981 with a bachelor's degree in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science. Strangely, he has never provided proof of this degree, and his chances of having received one are less than 100 to 1, as less than 1% of the population of the country has a degree in electrical engineering. Remarkably, he could think well enough to earn degrees from respected universities without compromising their reputations. He worked as a device physicist for Intel until 1983, which may explain a lot about Intel, and then moved on to Johns Hopkins University, MD, where he joined the Microelectronics Group of its Applied Physics Laboratory. Based off his utter incompetence at physics, he probably fabricated all of this.

In 1989, he was mistaken for Rick Moranis, star of the film Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. This was the predecessor for his upcoming career in shrinking teenagers' brains.

Mr. Schlafly goes to Washington
Schlafly attempted to run for Congress in 1992. In a masterstroke of political timing, Andy decided to spend $84,725 of his own money on his campaign for a seat in the House of Representatives (VA 11), in the same year that Bill Clinton would sweep into the White House on a wave of popular discontent with the Republican incumbent, George H. W. Bush. No fewer than 9 Schlaflys blew their god-fearing dollars on this abortive campaign, though most of them to the tune of a decidedly less crazy $1000 each. Only 11% of voters in the Republican primary shared the vision of "Andy Schlafly for Congress" and he finished in a dismal 5th place behind the winning George Mason University law professor, Henry Butler.

Incidentally, a blog was erected in 2008, proclaiming that Andrew Schlafly was running as a candidate in the 2008 U.S. Presidential Election. Such characters as RobS and Conservative also make appearances on the blog. Sadly, it was nothing but parody.

A drawer full of smoking monkeys
Schlafly received his J.D. from Harvard Law School in 1991 and claims to have been awarded a magnum of loud cum for his efforts. He also claims to have taught a course in administrative law as an adjunct professor at Seton Hall Law School. Given the insight and intellectual rigor of his lectures on Conservapedia, his failure to advance further can only be attributed to his growing sense of disgust at the moral vacuum at the heart of liberal academia.

Striding purposefully out of this den of relativistic iniquity, he was admitted to the New York State Bar Association in 1993. There is evidence to suggest that he worked as an associate at Wachtell, Lipton, Rosen & Katz, a New York law firm, before moving into private practice. He was later appointed general counsel to the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons (AAPS), a motley collection of "conservative" quacks, cranks and god-botherers, not to be confused with the infinitely more credible American Medical Association (AMA). Andy had clearly found his niche and, in between filing amicus curiae briefs on behalf of assorted wingnut causes, even found the time to pen such charming documents as [http://www.abortiontruths.net/abortionattorney.html ''Had an abortion? Call an attorney!''] Classy stuff.

Into the rabbit hole
Andy's conversion to young Earth creationism happened at around the age of 40 (circa 2000 CE). It is not known what caused him to renounce the bountiful fruits of the Enlightenment, but he describes the process as having taken "several years" and as being "based [on] a thorough open-minded application of logic and science". Readers will doubtless be heartened to hear that he found his faith greatly strengthened as a result of this self-inflicted intellectual lobotomy.

Around this time, he also began delivering online lectures for his mother's Eagle Forum "University" (REGISTER TODAY! It's Free). Not content with warping the impressionable homesckooled minds therein, he waded further out into the godless intertubes and formed a successful comedy double act with his mad elder brother Roger on the talk.origins Usenet group. Dubbed "Rogandy," their surreal creationist stylings provoked mirth and disbelief in almost equal measure.

A stroll through Andy's Usenet profile reveals a man adrift from reality and impervious to reason and argument. He made 3280 posts from May 1999 to August 2001, with talk.origins (1168) bearing the brunt of his attention. Gems abound within, including this June 2000 post to k12.chat.teacher where he tries to draw a link between "behavior-modifying prescription drug[s]" and US school shootings. Regular readers of Conservapedia will know that the blame has now been firmly placed at the door of the "atheistic" nature of the institutions themselves. Also worthy of mention is this wonderfully succinct evaluation of the Schlafly debate experience: "'...arguing with Andy is like playing chess with a small child who doesn't know the rules.'"

Godspeeding now with extreme prejudice, he emerged from the intertubes and began teaching real life classes of homeschooled Jesus-Jugend in 2002. He claims over 250 kills to his credit



Possible death
Much like Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez, Andy Schlafly has not been seen in public for quite some time. It is not impossible, therefore, that he is in fact dead, and that someone else is editing Conservapedia under his name. Or maybe it is being done by a bot that passed the Turing test. Prove us wrong.

Activities on Conservapedia
Andy utilizes a Word of the Day calendar to find new ways to embarrass himself. His favorite obsessions include deceit, liberal mockery, chivalry and the Parthian shot. More recently, in early 2012, he became obsessed with what he called the "hearsay society". He banged on with that for weeks on end, in order to avoid answering questions from soon-to-be-blocked "editors".

He is also clairvoyant, and can tell to within two percentage points the likelihood that someone who disagrees with him on another matter is against school prayer or in favour of abortion. This clairvoyance is ironic as he often promotes users who openly parody his edits before they then kick him in the teeth.

In April 2008, Schlafly announced his desire to purge the Bible of its liberal bias. On Christmas Day 2008, he launched a project to "retranslate" the Bible from existing English translations into slightly different English. It seems that, now that he has a couple of years' experience at running God's Wiki, all he wants to do is help out by reverting the "liberal vandalism" in the Bible itself.

Andy and "information"
"We have certain principles that we adhere to, and we are up-front about them. Beyond that we welcome the facts." Andrew Schlafly, Esq.

Frustrated in his attempts to insert his religious and political viewpoints into innocent articles at Wikipedia, on or about 2005, Mr. Schlafly decided to start an "encyclopedia" of his own, one that would conform to his strong biases in every way. So, along with a few dozen of his monkeys chained to typewriters homskollar protégés, he founded his heavily moderated blog, Conservapedia, in November 2006. It contains about as much useful scientific information as a typical Southern Baptist Convention Revival & Dunkathon.

It also affords him the luxury of being able to define terms into existence, and, when challenged on their legitimacy, insist that others do his research for him, or not complain. His grasp of how information works is exemplified by statements such as: "Well, yes, you are literally correct, but figuratively that [information] reinforces the thesis."

Deceit


Deceit is Schlafly's favorite word. To him it is synonymous with liberal (Or in a grammatically correct way, "what liberals do"). Apparently, real conservatives are incapable of any kind of dishonesty, whereas liberals raised in the moral vacuum of public schools resort to deceitful means with depraved abandon.

Cries of "Deceit" are also his main weapon. If you're in the pits of Conservapedia and Schlafly—or any of the Schlaflettes—scream "Deceit!" at you, that would equal the screaming of "Heretic!" or "Jew!" in 15th century Spain in front of Torquemada. You don't stand a chance with maniacs.

Basically, Schlafly makes up crazy lies all the time as a short cut to winning debates. He will usually block whomever is likely to call him on these lies as a matter of convenience, i.e. it allows him the polite fiction that this deceit is true and valid thus shoring up his fragile ego. His fellow groomers Ed Poor and Karajou have also picked up on this technique: "it's easy and fun!"

Along with deceit, Andy has equated liberality with closed-mindedness, imploring people who disagree with him (the vast majority of the Earth's population) to "open their minds", for when they do they will surely agree with him. The humour of this is increased exponentially by the fact that Andy, who utterly refuses to accept anything except those portions of Biblical literalism that support his bizarre approach to reality, is perhaps one of the most closed-minded people on the planet.

What's really funny is that Andy himself has done the deceitz, back when he had a "job".

From footnote #82 of the above link: In a declaration submitted in this proceeding, Schlafly claims that, at the time AT&T suspended AudioText’s service and demanded a security deposit, he was concerned about the risk of “closely held companies” such as AudioText “running up a large bill and then switching carriers,” leaving AT&T “with a substantial uncollectible.” AT&T Ex. 88, Schlafly Decl., at ¶ 14. Schlafly asserts that this “non-payment risk” existed regardless of whether AudioText’s traffic was legitimate, id. at ¶ 18, or whether AudioText itself, or one of its downstream customers, was engaged in “stimulating false traffic over the network through the use of autodialers.” Id. at ¶ 19. This after-the-fact explanation is not corroborated by the contemporaneous record and, in any event, does not support the conclusion that AT&T had reason to believe that its “Customer [AudioText] [was] using LDMTS in violation of Section 2.2.4.B.” of the tariff, that is, “with the intent to avoid the payment” of “[AT&T’s] tariffed charges” at the time AT&T suspended AudioText’s service. AT&T Ex. 58 § 2.9.6; AT&T Ex. 51 § 2.2.4.B. (emphasis added). The scenarios that Schlafly describes, where a closely held corporate customer of AT&T runs up a large bill through legitimate activity, or through the “false stimulation” of traffic by a downstream customer, do not involve situations in which the AT&T customer uses AT&T’s service “with the intent to avoid the payment” of AT&T’s tariffed charges in violation of section 2.2.4.B. of the tariff.

Further accusation of deceit
I noticed that you say that one of your favorite articles on your website is the one on “Deceit.” That article begins as follows: “Deceit is the deliberate distortion or denial of the truth with an intent to trick or fool another. Christianity and Judaism teach that deceit is wrong. For example, the Old Testament says, ‘Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.’” You really should think more carefully about what that commandment means before you go around bearing false witness against others.

Andy's confusing approach to the law
Andrew Schlafly is a Harvard educated lawyer; however he seems in many respects to have an extremely loose grasp on basic legal concepts. Examples of his legal analysis include:


 * His claim that people who vandalize his website (Conservapedia) could be sentenced to up to 10 years in jail under 18 USC § 1030. (see Conservapedia:FBI Incident). His definition of what "vandalism" to his precious wiki can include basically anything, but mostly if the action goes against his waffle-thin mindset.
 * Allowing Conservapedia editors to add every random image they find under fair use, whether or not the use actually qualifies as a fair use.
 * Delighting in repeating over and over that Richard Dawkins acquired his position as professor at Oxford University through wrongful means, an accusation that either Dawkins, Oxford University, or both, engaged in criminal behavior.
 * Andy and Conservapedia have a notoriously difficult time understanding slander, libel, and other forms of defamation, and how they work in the actual law.



Difficulty with grammur & speling
Mr. Schlafly has tremendous difficulties with the English language, and struggles to write correctly formed sentences using correctly spelled words. A humble clerk with writing problems like his would risk getting the sack for incompetence. In an unfortunate choice of battlefronts, he has made grammar and spelling an essential foundation of his debate against liberals. Some examples of his own postings reveal the thin ice his arguments are based upon: Aug 10th, 2007 You don't see how sometime can estimate when the truth when someone else conceals it???? Don't ever become a cop, then, or a judge, or a juror, or a teacher, etc. Godspeed

I looked at your contributions today, and found a serious of insertions of the form Citation needed or more obnoxious banners.

July 21, 2007 I don't pages that link to cp:Deletedpage does show up in random page searches. Do you think they do?

July 13, 2007 (Should have been statutes) Criminal States Governing the Internet

February 26, 2008 (A real gem - while arguing about grammar and word usage) You're "sources" for that ungrammatical claim...

April 4, 2008 Childbirth prevents against breast cancer.

May 11, 2008 Conservapedia has long observed that girls are injured in sports at much higher rates than boys, and how liberals denial or downplay it.

May 23, 2008 (This one is priceless) See if you can learn out to spell "superior".

June 20, 2008 I have to run an errand but want to you everyone know, as I've said before, that it's only productive to discuss something with somebody who has an open mind.

July 1, 2008 Unlike Wikipedia, we respect person's own talk pages.

October 10, 2008 What time is now from where you edit?

January 9, 2010 "Muscle cars" is an provocative addition, and I'll another comment to it to explain why I think it's justified. But further comments are welcome on this!

January 28, 2010 The Writing and SAT Verbal Skills course begins. Feel free to participate join many other students who are already participating.

May 26, 2011 Personally, I don't any value -- conservative or otherwise -- in the Simpsons.

Many other examples of his appalling spelling and slipshod grammar exist throughout his blog, and he delights in creating new ones every day.

Three of his favorite terms have earned their own articles: "Godspeed", "you're clueless!" and "insight".

Note: in none of the above instances was the mistake identified and corrected by Mr Schlafly even though the wiki format renders this simple, indeed many (most) still exist.

Faith
Only faith in the Christian God counts. Nothing else is worthy to be called faith.

"I'm sure we all know people of low IQs, and they don't think and act like Forrest Gump. For starters, often they have strong religious faith. As I recall from the first half, Gump's perspective was without any genuine expression of faith."

Mental strength
In a spectacular display of irony, Andy fails his own test: "'Can you view yourself objectively, admit when you are wrong, and change towards what is advantageous?'" In his opinion, being able to do this is a sign of mental strength.

The cocoa edit
Before he went to bed, for a while Andy developed a sweet-toothed habit of "editing" (i.e. wikifying a single word or phrase) a random article while sipping his cocoa.


 * Sep-12-2008 - Bela Gold
 * Sep-14-2008 - Sherman Anti Trust Act
 * Sep-15-2008 - Seismicity
 * Sep-16-2008 - Dinesh D'Souza
 * Sep-17-2008 - PAX television network
 * Sep-18-2008 - Galactic disk
 * Sep-23-2008 - Chord (music)
 * Sep-24-2008 - USS Kearsarge
 * Sep-25-2008 - Geneva Bible
 * Sep-27-2008 - Ave Maria University
 * Sep-28-2008 - Schnauzer
 * Sep-29-2008 - Shibboleth
 * Sep-30-2008 - Policy formulation
 * Oct-01-2008 - Accretion
 * Oct-02-2008 - Eye-glasses
 * Oct-04-2008 - Fields v. Shelter Mut. Ins. Co.
 * Oct-05-2008 - Franchise Tax Bd. v. Alcan Aluminium
 * Oct-06-2008 - Weather Underground
 * Oct-07-2008 - Winslow Homer
 * Nov-12-2008 - Ice Age
 * Nov-27-2008 - Cesar Chavez
 * Aug-02-2009 - A new mystery! "a start; improvements on this revelation are welcome" Of course they are…

The Sunday sermon
Frequently Andy will return from church on Sunday inspired to write some mindless drivel.


 * Jun-30-2008 - Faith (reverting back to traditional form, sorry if some good edits lost with the reversion of liberal claptrap)
 * Aug-11-2008 - Essay:Greatest Mysteries of American History (a day late)
 * Aug-17-2008 - Barack Obama's Muslim name
 * Aug-31-2008 - Essay:Best Concepts to Teach Teenagers
 * Sep-07-2008 - Essay:Greatest Mysteries of American History (what did cause the possession-like symptoms of the Salem girls?)
 * Sep-14-2008 - Mystery:Why Do People Doubt?
 * Sep-21-2008 - Essay:Proposed Homeschool Constitution
 * Sep-28-2008 - Filioque
 * Nov-03-2008 - Scarcity Worship
 * Jan-04-2009 - Essay:Passages Most Likely to Convert
 * May-30-2010 - Open source conservative

Pwnage

 * In August 2007, a law student trumped Andy's knowledge of law, when Andy tried to baselessly assert that RationalWiki had committed copyright violations. Pwned.
 * For the latter half of 2007, this article was a Google sponsored link from the search phrase, "Andy Schlafly."
 * On 27 March 2008, information provided by RationalWiki assisted Princeton For Choice in defeating and embarrassing Schlafly at a "debate," where he tried to link abortion and breast cancer.
 * On May 2010, Andy went to the New Jersey Supreme Court to argue on behalf of the Tea Party, which tried to recall Senator Bob Menendez. The judges had a field day while poor Andy fumbled like a freshman pulling at a panty girdle. The whole story is here.

Conservative Bible Project

 * On October 6, 2009, Andy went on Alan Colmes' radio show to "defend" his "Conservative Bible Project".
 * On October 7, 2009, he pulled a similar stunt on the Dave Ross Show.

Self parody
On December 10, 2009, conservative blogger E. D. Kain posted his reaction to watching Colbert interview Schlafly about the Conservative Bible Project. "Schlafly really is the ultimate self-parodic conservative, and I’m not just saying that because he has one of the most annoying laughs in the history of television."

Andy Schlafly and Sean Hannity were dancing on its grave sputtering nonsense about Jesus and the free market, giving anti-capitalist progressives all the ammunition they’d ever need to spout their own brand of crazy-passionate-yet-uninformed.

The most amazingly annoying laugh in the history of television
The sound in this video has NOT been edited in any way!

Want to see the whole interview? The official video can be found here.

Publications Hate-filled rants

 * American Medical Association's Secret Pact with the Federal Government by Andrew Schlafly, Esq.


 * http://www.abortionbreastcancer.com/press_releases/050328/index.htm
 * http://hometown.aol.com/dfjoseph/breastcancerlawsuits.html (Internet Archive Wayback Machine record)
 * http://www.jpands.org/vol10no1/aschlafly.pdf

NOTE: This tiny list of publications does not reflect Andy's stated expertise on … well … everything. Maybe some of his acolytes can cut and paste some more content to fluff this section up

Argumentation style
It has been theorized (by one user in particular) that Andy picked up his argumentation or debate style largely from this website. Andy will also use various phrases and ideas to sum up his arguments such as comparing something to a smoker living to 100, stating that 2+2=4, that school prayer would solve everything, that only logic is needed instead of actual proof or that autumn leaves disprove evolution.

Direct access to truth
Andy's conviction that he is always right is summed up best in this Ozy and Millie strip from Sunday, August 27, 2000:



People who think Andy smaht
His mommy, who was afraid of unleashing his wrath if she told the truth.

Possible connections with Satan
Andy may be a liberal atheist Muslim Satanist, as evidenced by this picture of Conservapedia's logo with enhanced contrast:

Honors
Schlafly was honored by having the old imperial measure of kookery, the Schlafly, named after him. The Schlafly is equal to approximately 2.63 Hovinds.

Andy won Fundies Say the Darndest Things' "2009 Fundie of the Year" award, with an overwhelming 94.8% of the vote.

Also, a random commenter once noted: "Andrew Schlafly is quite possibly the stupidest person I've ever exchanged words with on the Internet, and believe me, that is saying something."

("Delusions of Grammar" would also have been appropriate.)

Gallery of deceitful liberal mockery
These contributions are examples of the well-known tendency of liberals to rely on deceit and mockery when they can't argue their biased points successfully.

'''Please also enjoy our fine selection of Assfly songs and poetry, and anagrams. There's more pretty pictures Here. Now with added deceit!'''

"Is there anything good inside of you? If there is, I really wanna know. Is there anything good inside of you? If there is I really wanna know. Is there anything good inside of you? If there is I really wanna know, Andy."

Andy &mdash; from the Mothers of Invention album, One Size Fits All

Did you know?

 * God has promised Andy that he can break open one of the Seven Seals come Judgement Day. The details are yet to be firmed up with the Lamb, but Andy has his fingers crossed for the sixth and fondly imagines himself tearing it wide open with a fearsome cry of "Godspeed!". He has been known to spill his seed during these daydreams, but God assures him that it's OK if he's only fantasizing about smiting, and hasn't touched his pee-pee in a bad way.


 * Jesus recently told Andy that the Adulteress Story was true. Andy explained how, in that case, Jesus had definitely let the side down a little that day. Jesus could find no flaw in Andy's logic.


 * Andy is a big fan of The Clash, but he's not a lover of Goth music of any kind. He's also quite partial to a bit of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.


 * Andy has a real laugh that exceeds his monotone "Ha ha ha". The "Ha ha ha" originated when his "clients" would crack poorly attempted jokes.


 * Andy sounds like Bert from Sesame Street.


 * Andy asserts that "judges laugh at hearsay (and so do we)"


 * This article is now the top-ranked trusworthy Schlafly article on the internet!


 * That Andy is the reincarnation of the Titan, ΕΠΙΜΗΘΕΥΣ (Epimetheus, literally "AFTERTHOUGHT").


 * In the Mutants & Masterminds role-playing game, Andy is a Power Level 12 supervillain. His main power is: Godspeed 12 (Extras: Area[Burst], Insidious, Vampiric; Flaws:  Homosexual; Range[Touch]; Power Feats: Dimensional[Hell])


 * While (probably) not a member of the KKK or such, Andy's subtle racism is made quite clear by his refusal to recognize that a black person can make any accomplishments without affirmative action. Except perhaps Clarence Thomas. (See cp:Barack Obama)


 * Who knew that Andy was running for President?!


 * Andy belongs to a "sacred bloodline" stretching back to the "Lost Tribes of Israel". We're not even making this shit up! (Scroll to near bottom and engage tinfoil hat.)


 * Andy believes that faith is a uniquely Christian concept. (The comment is under section 3.) Members of other religions who believe they have faith are wrong, as is every major dictionary ever published.


 * Andy believes that [[Terri Schiavo] should have been considered for canonization].


 * "Fun, but kind of sad when one realizes the state of mind some live with." Aschlafly self-reflecting


 * Once got a little drunk, with sexy results.[No detail please]


 * Andy tried to start his acting career by auditioning in Revenge of the Nerds. However, he was not cast as he insisted that he should play one of the jocks.


 * He has also dusted off his old tin-foil hat since Barack Obama's "mind control" powers came to light. (The comment is at the bottom of the introduction)


 * Andy thinks [[black holes] are a liberal conspiracy], possibly to get people to read their Bible less.


 * Andy is a regular reader of the Windy City Times, which is "celebrating 25+ years of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender news."

Known aliases

 * Teh Assfly - the correct pronunciation of his user account at Conservapedia, "Aschlafly". "Teh" is a nod to Schlafly's difficulties with grammar and spelling; "Assfly" doesn't need further explanation. Sometimes corrupted to "Teh Arsefly".
 * Dr. Babyshakes
 * Andypandy
 * The Andyman &mdash; so-called because, just like the Candyman, Andy shall appear to you in person if you look into a mirror and assert that public schools don't discourage vandalism eleventy million times.
 * Miguel Sanchez
 * Eternal King, Autocrat, Tireless Benefactor, Supreme Judge and Lawmaker of all the Andylands
 * The Leader
 * The Founder (as put by Ed Poor)
 * The Owner
 * Führer

See also, Conservapedia style!*

 * Racism
 * Holocaust denial
 * Sodomite
 * Anti-Semitism
 * Nepotism


 * * "See Also's may or may not have anything at all to do with the article subject" - TK, Conservapedia sysop