Fun:Conservapedia, The Musical/The SiteBan

(To the tune of "Tradition" from Fiddler on the Roof)

[TK]:

A fiddler with the site. Sounds crazy, no? But here in our little bastion of goodness and morality called Conservapedia, you might say that every one of us is a fiddler with the site, trying to find some way to protect it from Godless vandals and atheist parodists. It isn't easy. You may ask: why do we fiddle with the site so much if the vandals keep coming? Well, we do it because Conservapedia is our home. And how do we stop them? That, I can tell you in two words: WE SITEBAN!

[ALL]

We siteban, we siteban! We siteban!

We siteban, we siteban! We siteban!

[TK]

Because of our sitebans, we've kept away vandals for many, many years. Here on Conservapedia, we use sitebans for everything. To punish parodists...to silence questions...to amuse ourselves! For instance, we always ban those who don't agree with school prayer and the idea that Hollywood causes breast cancer. This shows our constant devotion to Andy.

[TK & ANDY]

Who, day and night, must dazzle us with insights,

Share his homeschool wisdom, combat lib'rul lies?

And who has the right, as master of the site,

To have the final word at home?

The Schlafly, the Schlafly! We siteban!

The Schlafly, the Schlafly! We siteban!

[TK & SYSOPS]

Who must know the way to run a wiki site,

A quiet site, a Christian site?

Who must ban the parodists who plague the site,

So Andy can rewrite the Holy Book?

The sysops, the sysops! We siteban!

The sysops, the sysops! We siteban!

[HOMESCHOOLERS]

I've never been to public school--it's full of liberal lies!

Instead I learn from Andy how to be trusworthy!

The homeschooled, the homeschooled! We siteban!

The homeschooled, the homeschooled! We siteban!

[EVERYONE ELSE]

And who comes on the site, and questions what they see?

Who points out all the errors, and really irks Andy?

[TK]

The vandals, the vandals! We siteban!

The vandals, the vandals! We siteban!

[TK]

And in the circle of our little wiki, we've always had our special types. For example: Ken, our authority on homosexuality and Hitler...Ed, Wikipedia's most famous Moonie...and, most important of all, our beloved Andy.

[UNSUSPECTING NEW POSTER]

Mr. Schlafly, is there such a thing as a pre-Christian joke?

[ANDY]

New poster, you're clueless. Your meaningless question denies the obvious truth that humor is a uniquely Christian concept, so let me guess: you're a spokesperson for the homosexual agenda. Furthermore, you deny that childbirth stops Shaken Baby Syndrome. See if you can fool people elsewhere, because you're not going to fool anyone here, just as Dawkins didn't fool anyone at Berkeley for two years and at Oxford for over two decades. Godspeed.

[TK] (feverishly hitting the "siteblock" button to ban the new poster)

Die die die die! Die die die die!

Die die die die, die die die die!

(Calming somewhat once the poster and half his country are thoroughly banned)

Then there are the parodists on our wiki. They make a much more deceitful circle. We ban them, and they don't bother us. And among ourselves, we get along perfectly.

Of course, there are those who say that Philip is a liberal, and those who say he's a conservative...but that is all behind us now.

(Leans over and whispers in Andy's ear)

He's a liberal.

(The entire site degenerates into screaming accusations of liberalism while TK merrily bans another hundred users or so. Eventually, those who are left get back to singing)

[ALL]

We siteban, we siteban! We siteban!

We siteban, we siteban! We siteban!

[TK]

Sitebans, sitebans...without sitebans, my life would be dull as a fiddler with the site!