Newt Gingrich



He's a stupid man’s idea of what a smart person sounds like.

I'm willing to lead but I'm not willing to preside over people who are cannibals.

Newton Leroy "Newt" "Moon Base" Gingrich (originally pronounced "Gingri'k," now pronounced Ging-rich) is a well-known American Republican gas-bag and paragon of (dysfunctional) family values. When not on the lookout for the next former Mrs. Gingrich, he made himself busy leading the charge to impeach Bill Clinton for lying under oath about adulterous activities while concurrently having an affair with a Chevrolet Capitol Hill staffer, Callista Bisek. He is the first space cadet to run for President and the only amphibian to have ever served in Congress.

Despite having a doctorate in history and being a history professor at the University of West Georgia in the 1970s, he rode into power on the pseudohistorical concept of "American exceptionalism" from 1994 through 2020.

More than any other, Newt Gingrich is the man responsible for the current crop of extremists in the Republican Party and, by proxy, the general insanity of Congress today. Thanks to his tireless work, the House of Representatives is little more than an audience for the Speaker. (That's God's work, right there!) However, his skills as a combative back-bencher did not translate to the ability to ride herd on the GOP House members, and he was eventually ousted by his own party. Now, he's a rent boy for Fox News and heavy promoter of the Tea Party, the ideological successors to his reign of demagoguery as Speaker.

Gingrich is widely believed to have died some time in the mid-2000s, but thanks to the people at Industrial Light & Magic, he occasionally still makes appearances on FOX News. Someone also keeps writing articles in his name, and even tweeting, raising the same ethical questions as the continued appearance of Peter Cushing's Grand Moff Tarkin or the Twitter account of Herman Cain.

Accomplishments
Because it saves them time.


 * Helping to rally the Religious Right, along with Rove. Remember that the Republican party was not always the party of religious zealots.
 * Getting government OFF OUR BACKS Funneling "Big Government" money to his constituency in Cobb County, Georgia. Only Arlington, home of the Pentagon, and Brevard County, where the Kennedy Space Center is, received more federal subsidies.
 * Coining many Republican buzzwords, e.g. "Liberal Elites", "Secular Humanists."
 * Shutting down the government because he was told to go to the back of a plane.
 * Marrying his HS teacher, then dumping her because she was too old (!) to be First Lady.
 * Running a bunch of scam charities.
 * Writing 22 bad checks.
 * Authored DOMA.
 * Paying out $300,000 in fines for ethics violations.
 * Voting himself a secret pay raise.
 * Loosening a federal law which prohibited foreign-owned TV networks (again for a fat allowance ).
 * Praising Fannie Mae as a miracle of privatization. Newt denies he was lobbying on their behalf. See, look, he's on their books as a "historian." No historian in history has earned $25,000/hour.
 * Flirting with doxing, before that was a thing.
 * Trying to impeach two Presidents. What exactly was Obama's crime? (Presidenting While Black.)
 * Trying to impeach Clinton for the same thing he was doing, causing the opposition party to lose seats in the midterms (now that takes talent), and Gingrich to resign in disgrace. His flouting of 19th-century sexual mores left him with "political baggage" that was not easily overcome by his post-Speakership conversion to a Lutheran  Baptist Roman Catholic.
 * Threatening to arrest judges who rule against him.
 * Turning space exploration into a talk show punchline.
 * Crapping out a few direct-to-DVD movies about Islam.
 * Calling for a new House Un-American Activities Committee to go after Muslims and "Nazis."
 * Failing to get tenure at the third-rate Georgia university which employs him.
 * What has this guy been doing recently? Is it wholesome?

Contract On America
…Republicans won control of the House and the Senate, led by a pale rider named Newt Gingrich. And hell followed with him. It's not altruism! It's not altruism! I have an enormous personal ambition. I want to shift the entire planet. And I'm doing it... Oh, this is just the beginning of a 20-or-30-year movement. I'll get credit for it.

Newt Gingrich rose to the position of Speaker of the House after successfully building a movement that groomed up-and-coming Republican politicians, preparing them to run for the House of Representatives. In the 1994 midterm election, his Republicans gained control of the House, the Senate, most governorships, and most state legislatures, running on his ten-point "Contract On With America".

Gingrich immediately became one of the most influentially destructive politicians in modern American history. As Speaker, he set about dumbing down the intelligence of Congress. Gingrich fired the lawyers, economists, and investigators who work for committees rather than individual members by a third. He reduced the auditors, analysts, and subject-matter experts at the Government Accountability Office (GAO), the Congressional Research Service (CRS), and so on, by a third. He eliminated the Office of Technology Assessment (OTA) entirely. Much of the research, number-crunching, and legislative wording that used to be done by Capitol Hill staffers working for the government is now being done by outside experts, many of them former Hill staffers, working for lobbying firms, think tanks, consultancies, trade associations, and PR outfits. Instead of independent committees enacting research and objectivity, think tanks have been empowered to feed bullshit into Congressmen. In fact, conservative think tanks became the only outside group allowed to brief members and their staff at weekly lunches of the Republican Study Committee, the House conservatives' policy and messaging arm. This "brain drain" created a significant decline in Congress’s own ability to monitor and investigate the government. The number of hearings on policy development and oversight plummeted by nearly 50 percent in the House and 25% in Senate.

Lasting damage
By the time of the Tea Party movement, Congress cut its budget by another 20 percent, a far higher ratio than any other federal agency, leading to staff layoffs, hiring and salary freezes, and a general sense of disillusionment. Professional staffers (who knew what had worked in the past, what members’ preferences and personalities were like, and how to draft a bill that would pass) were laid off by Gingrich -- about 800 of them. In 1993, Congress employed nearly 2,150 professional committee staff; in 2011, there were just 1,316, according to the most recent data. The Government Accountability Office, Congressional Budget Office, Congressional Research Service, and now-defunct Office of Technology Assessment operated on a bipartisan basis, offering measured reports on topics suggested by House members themselves. Sometimes, these agencies act as helpful librarians. Sometimes they’re more like referees, carefully adjudicating among the competing quantitative claims of various members and outside groups—all of which Gingrich hated and set about to eradicate.

His adamant refusal to compromise and his desire to destroy everything in government that wasn't in his vision became the Republican Party's driving force, which has now reached its absolute extreme in the Tea Party movement. He explained that he wanted to cultivate a loathing for Congress itself while simultaneously restructuring it to eliminate anything that opposed his vision, like committee chairmen, contradictory facts from legislative support agencies, more moderate Republicans, and the minority party. Under his new rules, committee chairs were instead appointed by the Speaker, instead of seniority or a vote by committee members. Subcommittees also lost their ability to set their own agendas and schedules; that too mainly became the Speaker's prerogative. At the same time, Gingrich imposed six-year term limits and required chairs to be reappointed (by the Speaker) every two years. Finally, Gingrich protected, and in some cases bulked up, the staff leadership offices, which were given the task of writing significant pieces of legislation and handing them to the committees. All politicians were utterly fucked; whether or not they advanced in their careers, whether they were reappointed or on which committee they were appointed, would be determined by party leaders based on their subservience. Gingrich's House passed 124 pro-conservative measures in 1995, more than double the 53 that Tip O’Neill’s House passed in 1981.

Due to Gingrich, the Speakership often dictates to committees what it wants bills to look like or drafts them outright. Instead of learning deeply about a given subject, debating various policy options, engaging in the nitty-gritty of a topic for years and sometimes decades, committee members nowadays are often asked either to reverse-engineer a piece of legislation based on party leadership’s description of what kind of bill they’d like to see or to simply vote on a bill they did not write to begin with.

Comeback?
"Even when I see my name on a list of potential candidates, I think, you gotta be kidding me—Newt Gingrich?" said Gingrich, frowning and shaking his head in disbelief. "People are actually getting excited about the guy who engineered the 1995 government shutdown? I'm sorry, but that's just sad."

In May 2011, Gingrich officially announced his candidacy for President. He was off to a rocky start, first daring to criticize new GOP darling Paul Ryan's deficit reduction and catching massive flak from his party colleagues as a result. Next came the revelation that he had run up a tab of half a million dollars at luxury jeweler Tiffany's, which he didn't think he'd need to disclose. When reached for comment, Callista Gingrich said, "Dolce & Gabbana, Fendi and that Donna, Karan, he be sharin' all that money got me wearin'."

Newt then proceeded to take a two-week vacation to the Mediterranean while the other contenders were busy barnstorming and fundraising (this is before he blasted Romney for being rich and out of touch). Upon his return, he learned that most of his senior campaign staffers were fed up with his half-assed approach and decided to flee the sinking ship.

At a couple of points in the campaign (in November and December 2011 and for a moment after winning the South Carolina caucuses in January 2012), Gingrich was the frontrunner, rising above Mitt Romney in the polls in some intervals. Most of the time, though, he was at most the "not Romney" candidate. However, even this "lead" was short-lived. Gingrich lost the spot to Ron Paul, who even more quickly lost it to Rick Santorum. During his surge, front-runner Mitt Romney (or, "officially," a PAC supporting Mitt Romney) unleashed a near-devastating barrage of ads in Iowa targeting him. This was most likely the cause for Newt's poor showing in the Hawkeye State. Gingrich responded the only way he knows how: whining about how unfair everyone was to him. He won a decisive victory over Romney in the South Carolina presidential primaries.

The law and the Newt
Saving civilization is hard. You have to be fluid.

Stephen Colbert has pointed out that Newt Gingrich has broken the law came close to breaking the law but took advantage of a loophole so he could do what the law tries to prevent without also doing jail time. That Newt is really a slippery animal. Anyway, Newt told a supporter who is spending more money than Newt is allowed "to scrub ads attacking Mitt Romney for possible inaccuracies." Try and stick within the type of campaigning that the law wants, Newt. Compare:

To:

Or how about:

and:

Secular-Socialist Machine!
Newt's new prog-rock band favorite catchphrase is "secular-socialist machine," which comes from the subtitle of his book To Save America: Stopping Obama's Secular-Socialist Machine. According to Newt, Barack Obama is the most radical president in US history and is using Saul Alinsky tactics and Chicago politics to refashion the US into a dreaded "high-tax low-growth" European state. Apparently, "the secular-socialist machine represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union did."

Too Moderate?
Throughout his campaign, various hard right commentators went after Gingrich on the basis that he was too moderate, especially compared to the various conservative candidates running at the time. Glenn Beck called him a "big government progressive" and said members of the Tea Party who were supporting him despite being against Obama simply disliked the President because of the color of his skin. Ann Coulter wrote a series of columns criticizing Newt for his past holdings of "moderate positions" and failure to properly stop the policies of her arch-enemy, Bill Clinton.

Bye
Gingrich announced on April 25 that he would drop out of the race and support Mitt Romney, the "Massachusetts Moderate". His campaign was nearly dead, so he left it for a younger one.

They can be each other's fourth wives
Presideent Trtump was rermarkably stgroing in hius joint press event with Sen McConnell. His grasp of the issues is very deep and growing. Will Gingrich ever be relevant to the Trump administration? If nothing else, Gingrich checks off all the boxes for Trump's particular needs:

☑ A veneer of legitimacy from being an ex-Speaker ☑ Is a crazy person ☑ Has nothing to lose ☑ Great "impeachment insurance" ☑ Could serve as a bridge between Trump and movement conservatives  ☑ Very popular with racists and bigots in general ("We went after every rural southern prejudice we could think of." said a Gingrich congressional campaign official ☑ Speaks fondly of arresting political opponents for the "crime" of being a political opponent

On the other hand, Newt Gingrich would almost definitely undermine the hell out of Trump and whatever his plan is. Not because he wants to, but because he doesn't know how not to. Real Roman Senate-type shit.

It's almost as if he's a flip-flopping liar
In 2011, Gingrich accused Obama of "flip-flopping" on the Libyan uprising, but should have learned that throwing stones when living in a glass house isn't a good idea. He (finally) abandoned his Neoconservative views in '13, asking his fellow conservatives to "re-evaluate" their policy in the Middle East. He's terrified that his sugar daddy... err, wealthy Republican donors like Adelson wield too much power.

In 2016, Gingrich briefly rose from the dead to endorse Donald Trump — to Newt's immediate regret. Most everyone saw it from what it was: A sad audition to be Donald's VP. Especially funny was Newt's criticism of Trump's insensitive remarks to a judge.

Remember Orlando and all the hyperbole from Trump and the 'thanks for the congrats'? That Trump is dead. He's got a new campaign manager and everything. Meet Nu-Trump. Still the same old bombast. Still using nicknames, still a serial twitterer. Only now he uses a teleprompter more often. And he aims for the middle. He's even got a pet Gingrich to tell him what's up:

Just hours before that Facebook broadcast, Gingrich appeared on Fox & Friends and said,

Also, when a reporter asked Gingrich what to do about the homeless a few days after the police shot a homeless man in front of the White House (in 1994), Gingrich said: “Give the park police more ammo.”

Family life
Gingrich is an orphan; he suffered the incredible tragedy of losing his stepfather when he was only 53 and his mother when he was 60. Amazingly, he overcame the difficulties of not being able to collect Social Security before having his parents ripped away from him. The fates are indeed cruel.

Contrary to rumor, Newt did not divorce his first wife on her deathbed; in actuality, he tried to get her to sign off her right to alimony and child support while she was semi-conscious in the hospital, recovering from tumor surgery. Shortly after his second wife was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, he announced his intention to divorce her. He later had his first two marriages declared invalid by Catholic authorities so that he could marry his mistress of six years in the Catholic Church. Newt definitely did not want an open marriage; we have to believe that because he says so.

His current Stepford wife, Callista (winner of the reality show, America's Next Former Mrs. Gingrich), sings in the choir of Washington D.C.'s Shrine of the Immaculate Conception.

Fox News Shrink Keith Ablow claims Newt's infidelity and open marriage policy could make him a superior president. Rush Limbaugh said something similar, which is unsurprising given his own philandering. Other pundits have chimed in, with a fairly consistent and blatant misunderstanding of what an "open marriage" actually is.

Quotes
I think you can write a psychological profile of me that says I found a way to immerse my insecurities in a cause large enough to justify whatever I wanted it to.

Advocate of civilization, Definer of civilization, Teacher of the Rules of Civilization, Arouser of those who Fan Civilization, Organizer of the pro-civilization activists, Leader (Possibly) of the civilizing forces

Politics and war are remarkably similar situations.

People like me are what stand between us and Auschwitz. I see evil around me every day.

It doesn't matter what I do... People need to hear what I have to say. There's no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn't matter what I live.

I have two grandchildren: Maggie is 11; Robert is 9. I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.

A mere 40 years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. Now it is not only a sport [but] in the Olympics ... And there's a whole new world of opportunity opening up that didn't even exist 30 years ago or 40 years ago, and no bureaucrat would have invented it. And that's what freedom is all about.

I, frankly, would be really worried if somebody assured me that nothing in their faith would affect their judgments, because then I’d wonder, where’s your judgment — how can you have judgment if you have no faith? And how can I trust you with power if you don’t pray?

The literati sent out their minions to do their bidding. Washington cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world. The firefight started when the cowardly sensed weakness. They fired timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment’s cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim their distortions and falsehoods. Now they are left exposed by their bylines and handles. But surely they had killed him off. This is the way it always worked. A lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich, once again ready to lead those who won’t be intimated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges America faces.

As a political candidate, I'll go with how people feel and I'll let you go with the theoreticians.

If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for 30 days because they get infections. . . One the other hand, if combat means being on an aegis class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships, a female may be again dramatically better than a male, who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes.