Masturbation

The most fun any one person can have whilst being totally alone. Masturbation, suspected to be from the Latin manus (hand) and stuprare (soil, make dirty), is the act of gratifying oneself sexually, often while alone. It can also apply, as in "mutual masturbation", to more than one person gratifying each other without resorting to direct genital-to-genital stimulation.

Masturbation is sometimes (often) also aided by sex toys and/or pornography. Especially pornography.

Cultural attitudes
Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love! Different societies, cultures, and religions have taken various positions on masturbation. In a nutshell, "Different strokes for different folks", you might say. A few are given below.

Some Christians oppose masturbation, and many don't; in fact, some may condone it as a means of controlling one's sex drive when needed. Biblical scriptures against masturbation tend to be pretty indirect due to its highly taboo status — in some cases (e.g., the sin of Onan), it's not completely clear what specific act is envisaged or, if it does refer to masturbation, whether it's condemning the act in and of itself or only because it, in the particular context being spoken of, meant disobeying God (by refusing Yahweh's command in to sire children with his late brother's widow).

Seventh Day Adventism
The founder of Seventh Day Adventism, Ellen G. White, had much to say on the subject of masturbation:

Now, if Ellen White didn’t masturbate, there must have been some other reason why she was so silly.

Seventh Day Adventist, co-inventor with his brother of corn flakes (from which they made money hand over fist), took a hard stand against masturbation. The chapters Solitary Vice and A Chapter for Boys in his 1879 book Plain Facts for Old and Young are impossible to summarise. The following extracts might stimulate you to read the whole book, full of similar insights and mental images. It arouses the reader and works towards a satisfying climax; it would appear doubtful that this was tossed off in a single session as the exciting rhythm of his writing, engorged with detail, is regular rather than jerky or edgy:

In British vernacular, we'd call him a total wanker. The question is if his intimates ever called him Jack.

Betty Dodson
Sex educator Betty Dodson, on the other hand, wrote Sex For One, an entire book on how to enjoy masturbation more. Most people who have studied the subject are more inclined to take her side.

Buddhism
In Theravadan Buddhism, for monks, masturbation is considered 'unskillful', a 'vice' or a form of 'attachment' that causes addiction to sexual cravings (from which suffering ultimately arises) — though, never mind the obvious fact that masturbation can likewise function as a way to still such cravings. For laypeople, it is still considered a vice but is still "okay" per se, as long as people do so according to the eightfold path, precepts, and other Buddhist teachings. Sexual attraction results from the delusion of cultures, which enculturate people into lusting after a pus-, blood-, and filth-laden vessel, whether male or female. This claim can be slightly supported in cross-cultural anthropology and sociology, and Feminism and its subfields have studied the subject with similar conclusions. The practice of Paṭikkūlamanasikāra, a 32 body part, vipassana meditation, is prescribed for overcoming such cravings. This practice, though never studied in a scientific setting, might have a slight effect on reducing sexual urges temporarily, although there may be other unknown consequences of this practice.

Japan
Not only are they aware of the differences between male and female masturbation, but they're also not shy to point them out. Male masturbation is called sendzuri, which translates as "1,000 strokes." Female masturbation, however, is mandzuri, which translates as "10,000 strokes." The current world record holder for prolonged masturbation is Japanese.

Victorian and Edwardian Britain
Two quotations from the nineteenth century suggest that masturbation was held to have damaging physical effects. Physician William Acton pulled the following out of his ass:

Forty years later, Grimsby trawler owner Charles Jeffs wrote in response to a Board of Trade report that remarked upon the high rate of deaths among apprentices in the fishing industry that:

Or maybe they just went blind and fell over the side. Or maybe it really was a dangerous job.

Robert Baden-Powell, the founder of the Boy Scout Movement, set out his interesting opinions in 1908:

This final paragraph could perhaps have been better worded.

Modern British popular culture
In 2006, Channel 4 television commissioned a documentary about the UK's first "Masturbate-A-Thon" as part of a series of programmes dubbed "Wank Week".

Rock & Roll

 * There is something almost Pavlovian about Chuck Berry and the bell in "My-Ding-A-Ling"
 * When I was little boy in grammar school,
 * I used to stop off in the vestibule,
 * But every time the bell would ring,
 * You'd catch me playing with my ding-a-ling.


 * In their 1969 song, "Rattlesnake Shake", proclaims:
 * I know this guy
 * His name is Mick
 * Now, he don't care when he ain't got no chick
 * He do the shake
 * The rattlesnake shake
 * Yes, he do the shake
 * And jerks away the blues
 * Now, jerk it


 * The Buzzcocks started the beat off in 1977 with:
 * Well you tried it just for once found it all right for kicks.
 * But now you found out that it's a habit that sticks,
 * and you're an orgasm addict.
 * You're an orgasm addict,
 * sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines.
 * Now your mother wants to know what all those stains on your jeans.


 * In Cyndi Lauper's anthem,  we discover:
 * Do I want to go out with a lion's roar
 * Huh, yea, I want to go south and get me some more
 * Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine
 * They say I better stop or I'll go blind
 * Ooh she bop, she bop


 * There is a long-held rumor that “Turning Japanese” by The Vapors is about masturbation. However, the song could just be an excuse to be racist and creepy with lyrics like:
 * I’ve got your picture, I’ve got your picture
 * I’d like a million of you all round my cell
 * I want a doctor to take your picture
 * So I can look at you from inside as well.


 * has multiple references to masturbation in "Longview":
 * When masturbation's lost its fun
 * You're fucking lonely
 * Bite my lip and close my eyes
 * Take me away to paradise
 * I'm so damn bored I'm going blind
 * And loneliness has to suffice
 * Bite my lip and close my eyes
 * I'm slipping away to paradise
 * Some say quit or I'll go blind
 * But it's just a myth


 * Never one to back off, Prince, in "Gotta Stop (Messin' About)", contributes:
 * I've been playin' with my toy so much I'm gonna go blind
 * Gotta stop, gotta gotta stop, messin' about

Other popular culture expressions

 * Portnoy's Complaint, (1969) a novel by Philip Roth which left liver almost uneatable by a large percentage of the reading population.

Effects
Let me tell you somethin': Bustin' makes me feel good. The effects of masturbation are numerous and result in things such as:

Positive

 * Pleasure, often to the point of mild euphoria and enjoyable involuntary muscular contractions.
 * Allowing people to reach an orgasm when they may not be able to achieve one from sexual intercourse.
 * Decreasing levels of prostate cancer in older men.
 * Boosting the immune system.
 * The release of dopamine and oxytocin, chemicals that "activate the reward circuits in your brain."
 * The reduction of stress and anxiety.
 * A reliable source of income for manufacturers of paper tissues.
 * Providing deposits for your local sperm bank.

Negative
These have yet to be verified using double-blind trials per the scientific method. (There are, however, said to be many eager college students prepared to be paid volunteers for such a long-term study for the benefit of humankind, at least as long as they are not part of the control group. )


 * Making you go blind. OK,
 * Ye being rubbed out struck down by the vengeful hand of God.
 * Homosexuality.🇱🇮
 * Dead kittens.
 * Por speleing.
 * Eternal damnation in the Lake of Fire.
 * Increased time spent in purgatory.
 * Complaints that you're monopolizing the bathroom.
 * Sore wrists and forearm muscles (definitely some anecdotal evidence available).
 * Sticky computer monitors and/or keyboards if jacking off to internet porn.
 * (where the tissue in parts of your knob harden, thus causing said erect knob to bend alarmingly — this affects only about 5% of men and isn't caused by masturbation per se, but wanking too often or being too rough with oneself can be a contributing factor if you have an underlying "genetic predisposition" to the disease).
 * A feeling of numbness after orgasm. This mental numbness is temporary and can last anywhere from mere seconds to an hour, depending on how intense the resulting orgasm is. This feeling may be related to the release of the hormone prolactin, which "serves to decrease arousal" after you splooge.
 * Addiction (at least according to Mormons and the folks at NoFap; unfortunately for them, the American Psychological Association disagrees).
 * Grossing out whoever is unfortunate enough to catch you in the act.
 * Grossing out whoever is unfortunate enough to catch you in the act.

Ultimately, the general consensus of the medical community is that masturbation is "natural and harmless".

Masturbation and the law

 * The Jewish Talmud states, "Whosoever emits semen in vain deserves death."
 * Pee Wee Herman was arrested for, ahem, "making it big" in the movies.
 * Texas Representative Michael Burgess incorrectly cited a study on fetus masturbation to try and ban abortions after the 20th week, believing that's when boys started. The actual study was on a 32-week-old female fetus.
 * Pseudo-Judaism crank "rabbi" Yaron Reuven says that masturbation is equal to murdering 300,000,000 people.

How to
absolutely pounding a zip lock bag of cut up hot dogs in the portle potty The internet was created for the express purpose of answering this question. Use your brain first, then your hands. However, if you're Spanish, you're taught how to do it as part of your school sex education, causing much outrage from the Roman Catholic Church and conservatives.

How not to
Autoerotic asphyxiation is really not a good idea; it can easily lead to death. A few of the better-known and/or more exotic cases of death-by-masturbation were summarized by Jim Goad.

Public masturbation is a big no-no in most parts of the world. Including Disneyland — you have been warned.

Don't be too rough with yourself, especially past your 30s, as it can cause permanent damage to your genitalia (see above re. Peyronie's Disease), which is bad for everyone.