Fun:2016 U.S. Presidential Election

Drill, baby, drill! You built that! Lock her up!



This year's RNC had "avocado" mentioned more times than it said conservative. That's the Republican Party of 2016 for you. We've opened a Pandora's box with this in America.

So much for the invisible hand
Guess the Repubs haven't been watching the news about China's stock plummeting. At what point does the Chamber of Commerce just say "fuck it" and endorse Hillary?

Red October Surprises
The media is focusing on the important issues, like Clinton's emails or Trump's penis size, but the real October surprise may come from overseas.

Scary furriners
If Pat Buchanan's been suffering from impotence, Donald Trump is certainly curing it. Roaming browns, HIDE YO WIVES, HIDE YO KIDS

Scary furriners with guns
Hillary doesn't want to abolish the 2nd Amendment, but Trump wants to abolish the 1st, 4th, 5th, 8th, and 14th.

Government destroys everything it touches, except ICE, which is perfect
Traditionally, the GOP has avoided addressing those who employ illegal immigrants and gone after the employees. Usually it's just LIE berals who argue going after the employers.

Democratic Party
Hilldog has gotten this far thanks to her last name being the same as Bill's, the money machine developed during Bill's presidency, and strong ties to the *crash of thunder*  ESTABLISHMENT  *horse whinnies*

Bush v. Gore Redux
We hope you learned life's most important lesson: Never give your money to a hippie. Unless it's for drugs.

Cheeto-fingered misogynists
Mickey Mouse would win 20 states as the Republican nominee.

The Bottom
On July 15th, Trump was forced to reluctantly share his spotlight with Retired Buzz Lightyear the Governor of Indiana, Mike "Burn the Gay Away" Pence. He is the most conservative vice-presidential candidate in the last forty years. Pence is also boring and invisible which is just how Trump prefers it.

The RNC started with a Rickroll, and ended with the Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want" (literally following a speech promising the moon and the stars). Was Ted Cruz in control of the music?

Libertarian Party
Gary's the closest quasi-libertarian candidate to poll over 10%, so that's a breath of fresh air to a drowning man.

Stay dank, my friends
Johnson doesn't believe in gun background checks, but he's open to discussion about it, which opponents took to mean he's soft on guns. Liberals want to melt down every gun in America! (Remember, we're dealing with Libertarians. You don't want to go down that rabbit hole.)

BernieHos
"Hmmm, hmmm…yeah, yeah…hmmm, hmmm…Nader…Nader…Nader…Nader…" (apologies to Dylan Moran).

$hill $tein is owned by the Big Crystal lobby
To save some people the trip to Google: Yes, Darryl Cherney was a Green Party candidate running against Jill Stein. ''You Jillbots never give up, do you? Last I checked, the party doesn't vote until August!'' #seeyouinhouston

Running toward the wrong goal
It's becoming increasingly apparent that Trump is unwilling to switch up his tactics. The three weeks between when Don was the presumptive winner and Clinton/Bernie were still battling it out were supposed to be his honeymoon time to unify the opposition. Instead of doing what Clinton did, which is line up endorsement after endorsement, he spent it insulting people in his party that were on the fence. The FBI delivered him an 83-page manifesto on Hillary's negligence, so Trump tweets: "The system is rigged! DAE General Petraeus? SAD!" What would normally be bad weeks for Clinton end up being bad weeks for Trump.

As far as campaigns go, Donald Trump practically re-writes the book on how to run for President. He gives future candidates handy rules to follow. Rules like:


 * 1) Don't insult war heroes
 * 2) Don't mock people with disabilities
 * 3) Don't call a giant demographic group criminals and rapists
 * 4) Don't threaten to shoot people
 * 5) Don't talk about fucking your daughter
 * 6) Don't re-tweet a Neo-Nazi
 * 7) Don't voice admiration for Saddam Hussein, Muammar Gaddafi, Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, etc.

Hillary's natural inclination is to come out throwing power. The Foreman-esque approach didn't work well against the moves-like-Ali Obama, and she played it safe against a scrappy upstart like Sanders. Trump, however, is not Obama. He's more of swarmer like Joe Frazier, throwing a bunch of punches and overwhelming his opponents with bullshit. The answer is hard punches, administered repeatedly, and that is right up Clinton's alley.

When compared to Obama vs. Romney, we're seeing little difference. It means the Democrats are lining up behind Clinton and Republicans are lining behind Trump, and the narrative is being shown to be wrong, yet again. Nearer the Convention, Hillary Clinton will tell a reporter she prefers bacon chips over salted. This will be the biggest scandal since Hillary caused both 9/11s while Bush was busy keeping us safe. The GOP spin doctors will take over Trump's campaign, and he will be sold on Angry Gentleman AM™ as ''the best thing that ever happened to America since the war of independence or white sliced bread. We'll take your calls after these ads for motorized wheelchairs, herbal boner pills, gold scams and help for tax cheats.''

Videos

 * "He will never give up. And most importantly, he will never let you down." - No word on if he will run around and desert you, make you cry, or say goodbye. Seems he might have told a lie, though.
 * The Filibuster God.