Fun:Upper-Class Twit of the Year

Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park. You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the 127th Upper-Class Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify for you:

Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene. Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp. Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. Now they're moving up to the starting line, there's a jolly good crowd here today. Now they're under starter's orders … and they're off!

1970

 * The Upper-Class Twit of the Year — Gervaise Brook-Hampster
 * Runner up — Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith
 * Third — Nigel Incubator-Jones

1990

 * The Upper-Class Twit of the Year — Michael Milken, inventor of the junk bond. Sometimes winners take a long time to reach the finish line. In the case of Milken, after four years of denial of guilt in connection with crimes committed in connection with his invention, the junk bond, he finally pleaded guilty in 1990 to securities fraud and tax evasion. The court ruled that his crimes were 'only' responsible for a $4 million or so loss to investors, a paltry sum by upper-class twit standards. First winner of the Ig Nobel Prize in Economics, Milken's gift to the world, the junk bond, led to the The Savings & Loan Crisis of the 1980s, The Dot Com Crash of 2000-2002, and The Financial Crisis of 2007-2009.
 * Runner up — Ivan Boesky, received a 3½ year sentence for the crime of insider trading, based on a plea deal for informing on Milken.

2001

 * The Upper-Class Twit of the Year — Kenneth Lay, CEO and founder of Enron, destroyed a $100 billion company built on fraud — "the smartest guy in the room"
 * Runner up — Jeffrey Skilling, COO and CEO of Enron — the second smartest guy in the room
 * Third — Andrew Fastow, CFO of Enron — the third smartest guy in the room

2006
2006 Lexus going 87 mph in 45 mph road. Upon hearing sirens, the vehicle slowed and started running strange patterns on highway. I stopped vehicle and asked Mr. Gibson why he was doing "donuts" on the Pacific Coast Highway. Gibson advised that he would never do "donuts" because the "Jews control all donut production in the world." He further advised that "Munchkins were invented by greedy Jews who wanted to turn a profit even on the donut holes.
 * The Upper-Class Twit of the Year — Mel Gibson: driving drunk while extremely beligerant and anti-semitic

Mr. Gibson then failed the field sobriety test in all respects: recited alphabet in German rather than in English as requested; repeatedly gave the Zeig [sic] Heil salute when attempting to touch nose; could not walk a straight line. (In fairness to Mr. Gibson, he increased the difficulty of the task by insisting on walking in goose step fashion while wearing jackboots.)…


 * Runner up — Lou Pearlman set the record for the world's longest-running Ponzi scheme: 20 years long and $300 million in debts at the time of the crash.

2008

 * The Upper-Class Twit of the Year — Robert Mugabe for his economic management in achieving the astounding inflation rate of 80,000,000,000% in Zimbabwe.
 * Runner up — Bernie Madoff crashed the world's largest Ponzi scheme ($60+ billion).

2009
When I was a kid… I'll tell you a quick story, I was fascinated by needles. I used to find my [physician] dad's needles in his desk. I would put in in oranges with the little holes on it, and one thing I noticed my sister's head had little pores in it too. And I still remember, I swear, watching her head from behind. I threw it [the needle] in there, and it didn't go in. The skull got in the way. I got no brain — I got nothing back.
 * The Upper-Class Twit of the Year — Mehmet Oz

2012

 * The Upper-Class Twit of the Year — Mayor Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

2020

 * The Upper-Class Twit of the Year — Ben Delo, charged with failing to implement anti-money laundering procedures in his crypto exchange BitMEX in 2020, was sentenced to a 30-month suspended sentenced and given a $10 million fine in 2022. Delo Giving Pledge of the "effective altruism" movement in 2019 — oopsie!

2021

 * The Upper-Class Twit of the Year — Marjorie Taylor Greene: weird conspiracy theory anti-semitism ("Jewish Space Lasers" )
 * Runners up — Three-way tie: Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk. Each individually shot themselves into outer space and came back to Earth for no other reason than big dickism.

2022
In The Madness of King George, there are several scenes where very learned doctors dedicate considerable time and effort to squinting at the contents of the king’s chamber pot. Watching the movie, you think, “Well, at least we are at a stage of civilization where we don’t have to do that! … But then Elon Musk buys Twitter, and — I can think of no better analogy for what has ensued.
 * The Upper-Class Twit of the Year — Mary Elizabeth Truss: a Supply-side "mini"-budget that tanked the UK economy in days and will take years to repair. Truss had been warned about dire consequences of the budget by economists and by evidence that it would not work. Britain should be thankful that it was not a "micro"-budget.
 * Runner up — Elon Reeve Musk: having servants open the door for him as he lugs a sink into Twitter HQ (thereby confusing the sink for a toilet), announcing that he will clean up Twitter by letting the neo-Nazis back in, thereby wasting the $44 billion he spent on the company. Self-proclaimed "Chief Twit"
 * Third — Sam Bankman-Fried for crashing the FTX cryptocurrency exchange overnight, valued at $32 billion. SBF allegedly a financial genius at one time ("I didn’t know what was going on" ), also allegedly tanked the company by self-dealing and highly risky leveraged purchases, creating what amounted to a Ponzi scheme. SBF had previously signed the Giving Pledge of the "effective altruism" movement — oopsie!

Perennial candidates

 * Mehmet Oz — TV quackfest
 * Donald Trump
 * Bill Gates
 * Joel Osteen
 * Pope Francis (not personally wealthy, but has access to a ridiculous amount of wealth through Catholic Church)