Fun:Conservapedia, The Musical

Or, "Andy get your largely defensive weapon of gun".

I'm a big fan of musical theater, and I enjoy a good laugh so I've been thinking, let's make a musical about CP, I need title and casting suggestions so get to it people. Songs that are either works in progress or not yet on the list of songs. HELP Write the parts that ain't set to tunes!

Capulets

 * ASchlafly (Castrato)- Christopher Walken Famous Quote: "This is my town, dammit. Get 'im, boys!"
 * Ed Poor (Bass)- Nathan Lane
 * Joaquin Martinez (Comic Tenor)- Cheech Marin
 * Conservative - Crispin Glover Philip Seymour Hoffman "I have sent you a very important email in regards to a certain place starting with G."
 * TK - Angus Scrimm "Shame on you, Philip! Shame!"
 * Karajou - James Gandolfini Joe Pesci "You're lying again, Grawert."
 * Deborah - Kristin Chenoweth
 * Fox - Mandy Patinkin
 * Bohdan - Jonathan Lipnicki "Don't mess with me, fool!"
 * BethanyS - Ruthie Henshall
 * SharonS - Drew Barrymore (the lisp!)
 * DeanS - Will Ferrell
 * DanH - Keanu Reeves "Whoa!"
 * RobSmith - Béla Lugosi Sterling Hayden - reprising his role in Dr. Strangelove
 * Jallen - Cate Blanchett
 * P. J. Rayment - Bill Bryson
 * CollegeRepublican - Kevin Costner - reprising his role of Alex in The Big Chill "..."
 * Special guest star Phyllis Schlafly - Carol Channing
 * Special guest star John Schlafly - Tim Curry or John Waters

etc.

Montagues

 * Ace McWicked - Bret McKenzie
 * AmesG (The Man with a Thousand Faces) - Gregory Peck
 * Auld Nick - Sean Connery
 * AutoFire - Himself, because frankly, I wouldn't want anyone else portraying me.
 * Barikada - Meat Loaf
 * Cracker - Alexei Sayle
 * ColinR -
 * Dick Turpis - Steve Buscemi (why not? I'm not going to be over-flattering here)
 * DLerner - Gerard Butler
 * Eira -
 * ENorman - Norio Wakamoto
 * Genghis Khant - Anthony Hopkins
 * Human - Rhys Ifans
 * JayJay4ever - Leonard Nimoy (as Mr. Spock)
 * Jellyfish (evil spy) - CGI mock-up. Or someone in a papier-mache costume depending on the budget.
 * Judge King - Martin Christopher
 * Kels - Peter Sellers
 * Lenski (voice only) - Don LaFontaine
 * Lily the Pink - Gwyneth Paltrow
 * LinusM - Christopher Lloyd
 * Lyra -
 * PalMD - Jeremy Irons, reprising his dual role in Dead Ringers - or should he play a pedophile for the Capulets?
 * PFoster. George Clooney. because frankly, the resemblance is uncanny.
 * Pinto's5150 - A random extra
 * Radioactive afikomen - Michael J. Fox
 * Sid (3050) -
 * Sir ChuckB - Sidney Poitier or Samuel L. Jackson
 * SuperJosh - Seth Rogen
 * SusanG - Liza Minelli ( Not the 2008 version: in Cabaret mode! please! ) or, failing that (budget's getting tight), Miss Whiplash from the (seminal) film of the same name.
 * Stile4aly - Greg Grunberg
 * Thunderkatz - Matt Damon
 * TMToulouse - Sacha Baron Cohen
 * Tom Moore - Harrison Ford
 * Let Them Eat Cake - Tom Hiddleston - ENOUGH!

Messengers

 * Bohdan
 * CPAdmin1/TimS (Christopher Lee?)

Musical Numbers
Please arrange the songs to match the Acts, m'kay?

Overture

 * 1) "Cons and Libs" ("Mums and Dads" - Blitz!) All cast members, wonderful opening dance number with Susan in nipple rings, bearing a whip, and John Schlafly dressed as Dr. Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Scene 1
The Schlafly home
 * 1) "How Lovely to be a Schlafly" ("How lovely to be a woman" - Bye Bye, Birdie) The Schlafly family
 * 2) "A Woman Ought To Know Her Place" (Phyllis's song) ("A Woman Ought To Know Her Place" - Seven Brides for Seven Brothers)
 * 3) "If You Were Gay (I Wouldn't Talk To You Anymore)" ("If You Were Gay" - Avenue Q) John leaves the family home
 * 4) "Children Won't Listen" (Stay With Me - Into the Woods) Andy laments the liberal influence of society.
 * 5) "I hate wiki in the springtime, I hate pedia in the fall" ("I Love Paris" - Can-Can) Andy is disillusioned with Wikipedia.

He laments liberal influence. And he opposes bias in Wikipedia. What's a guy to do? Start a homeschooled class!

Scene 2
Andy's homeschooling classroom.


 * 1) "Librul" ("Trouble" - The Music Man) Schlafly explains evile liberal public schools, and why we need homeschooled children, like his.
 * 2) "The March of the Homeschooled Children" ("The March of the Siamese Children" - The King & I) The homeschoolers arrive
 * 3) "Don't go near the sixties" ("Welcome to the 60's" - Hairspray) Class lessons begin.
 * 4) "Little Known Facts (The Creationist's Song)" ("Little Known Facts" - You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown) Andy explains creationism and evolution to a student
 * 5) "Trus In Me" (''"Trust In Me" - The Jungle Book Andy brainwashes and indoctrinates an innocent child
 * 6) "Oh, No Homos!" ("Oklahoma!" - Oklahoma!)

Scene 3
Scene opens on Conservapedia.
 * 1) "Wiki on a Cloud" ("Castle on a Cloud" - Les Miserables) Andy dreams up a Wikipedia in which everything is as it should be.
 * 2) "The newest established permanent floating crap load on the web" ("The Oldest established" - Guys and Dolls) Conservapedia is established.
 * 3) "Vandals and Parodies" (The Cabal Hymn) ("Stranger in Paradise" - Kismet) Outrageous dance of the arboreal octopus while TINC sings quietly in the background. The first seeds of dissent are sown.
 * 4) "Who Will Buy? (My Beautiful Articles)" (Who Will Buy - Oliver!) Andy tours the media criticizing Wikipedia and extolling the virtues of Conservapedia
 * 5) "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished" (No Good Deed - Wicked) Schlafly really doesn't like it when other people improve his articles. Especially by adding facts.
 * 6) "90-10/Banned" ("Blood Money/Damned" - Jesus Christ Superstar) The first 90/10 block is created

Enter the sysops. "Note: Intro songs to all the major personalities on Conservapedia go here."
 * 1) "The Sysops" ("March Of The Witch Hunters" - Wicked) All sysops together.
 * 2) "Climb every Mountain Dew" ("Climb every Mountain" - The Sound of Music) DanH
 * 3) "Three little sysops homeschooled are we" ("Three little maids from school are we" - The Mikado) BethanyS, SharonS & DeborahB.
 * 4) "New Ordeal for Christmas" ("New Deal for Christmas" - Annie) RobS
 * 5) "TerryH's Monologue" ("Tevye's Monologue - Fiddler on the Roof) TerryH
 * 6) "You've Got to Nick a Picture or Two" (Joaquin's Song) ("You've Got to Pick a Pocket or Two" - Oliver!)
 * 7) "Reverend Moon, to thee I cling" (Ed's Song) ("Fair moon, to thee I sing" - HMS Pinafore)
 * 8) "I am the pasty shadow of a naval petty-officer" (Karajou's lament) ("I am the very model of a modern Major-General" - The Pirates of Penzance) Karajou
 * 9) "KDBuffalo soldier" (''"Buffalo Soldier" - Bob Marley') Conservative appears
 * 10) "Master of the Blog" (Andy's song) ("Master Of The House" - Les Miserables) Scene ends with God-King Schlafly's theme

Scene 4
Enter the first RationalWikians.
 * 1) "Trolls on the Other Side" ("Friends on the Other Side" - The Princess and the Frog") An evil man (ColinR) seduces innocent CP Editors into coming onto his site.
 * 2) "Cabal of Reason" ("Angel of Music" - The Phantom of the Opera - sung by the RW1 chorus)

Act II
RationalWikians emerge. They are all banned. The War on Conservapedia begins.

Scene 1
Enter TK.
 * 1) "O! Why Am I Crazy and Bad?" ("Why Am I Moody and Sad?" - Ruddigore). TK asks the audience how he can be so crazy (for lyrics, see linked page)
 * 2) "When You're a Sysop" ("When You're a Jet" - West Side Story) TK
 * 3) There are Liberals in the Blog! (There are Giants in the Sky - Into the Woods). Karajou sounds the alarm and begins to identify all the "big, tall, terrible liberals in the blog."
 * 4) "We're Gonna Squash Those Trolls Right Outa Our Lair" ("I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair" - South Pacific) TK
 * 5) "Why Can't the Atheists?" ("Why Can't the English?" - My Fair Lady)
 * 6) "Whack the (blunt) knife" ('"[Mack the Knife]" - The Threepenny Opera)
 * 7) "F.B.I." ("Bali Ha'i" - South Pacific) The Ten
 * 8) "Strike off the Banned" ("Strike Up the Band" - An American in Paris) Jallen cleans the blog
 * 9) The obvious end to the second act: "Jesus Christ, Uber Alles!" ("Jesus Christ Superstar" - Jesus Christ Superstar)

Act III
The Trials of TK, and the continuing War on Conservapedia.
 * 1) "Don't cry for me RationalWiki" ("Don't cry for me Argentina" - Evita)
 * 2) "Another fruitcake on another wiki" ("Another suitcase in another hall" - Evita)
 * 3) "He's going to marry Phy-Fly" ("He's Going to marry Yum-Yum" - The Mikado) Kektklik announces his betrothal
 * 4) "Godspeed, My Nemesis" ("Goodnight, My Someone" - The Music Man) TK passes away unnoticed in a dim corner of the stage A fitting end to the third act.

Act IV
The slow, painful death of Conservapedia. The act ends with RationalWiki left triumphant All ideas are welcome but please stick to theater songs in your ideas
 * 1) Killer King (Killer Queen, Queen) The roguish, caddishly charming and handsome anti-hero Let Them Eat Cake makes his entrance to take care of business.
 * 2) "And The Pagehits Kept Rolling In" ("And The Money Kept Rolling In" - Evita) Ken's quest for Internet greatness.
 * 3) "Ballad of Tom Moore" ("Ballad of Czolgosz" - Assassins)
 * 4) "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime (The Smoker's Lament)" ("Brother, Can You Spare a Dime" - New Americana)
 * 5) "ASchlafly" ("Matchmaker" - Fiddler on the Roof) Jinxmchue struggles to become a sysop
 * 6) "Lenski" ("Memory" - Cats)
 * 7) I Still Believe (I Still Believe - Miss Saigon) A duet featuring DanH and PJR as they try and reconcile their earnestly held conservative beliefs with the continuing self-serving nature of Andrew Schlafly BSE JD.
 * Special monologue: "To Resign or Not To Resign (PJR's Soliloquy)" (Hamlet's Soliloquy - Hamlet)
 * 1) "So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye" ("So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye" - The Sound of Music) One by one the noble editors leave Conservapedia
 * 2) "You Can't Stop Deceit" ("You Can't Stop the Beat" - Hairspray) The members of RationalWiki bemoan the impossibility of putting an end to all Internet stupidity
 * 3) And the encore: "Always look on the Bright Side of Life" (The entire company - whaddya mean - it's been done?)

Song Pool
Move them into scenes as appropriate. Currently the list is too long
 * 1) "Hark the Red Telephone" (Human's theme)' ("Hanging on the Telephone" - Blondie, or "Answering Machine" - Replacements'')
 * 2) "The Rationalwiki song" ("There's a place for us") ("Somewhere" - West Side Story)
 * 3) "If ever I would block you" ("If ever I would leave you" - Camelot)
 * 4) "Who wants to be conservative?" (I don't) (DLerner's song) ("Who wants to be a millionaire" - High Society)
 * 5) "Gay, Demyer" ("Gary, Indiana" - The Music Man)
 * 6) "Please don't ask me (the MYOB song)" ("Please don't touch me" - Young Frankenstein)
 * 7) "Block a little, talk a little" ("Pick a little, talk a little" - The Music Man)
 * 8) "Gentlemen (at Another Website)" ("Willkommen" - Cabaret)
 * 9) "Fools, Vainglorious Fools" ("Food, Glorious Food" - Oliver!)
 * 10) Mormon River "Moony River" (in the light of recent circs) ("Moon River" - Breakfast at Tiffany's)
 * 11) "Hooray for Hollywood Values" ("Hooray For Hollywood" - That's Entertainment!) RationalWiki ensemble
 * 12) "Oh Great St. Ronnie, virtuous man" (TK's song)  ("Our Great Mikado, virtuous man" - The Mikado)
 * 13) "The Fleet's in Port Again" (P.O. Karajou's celebration) (O-Kay for Sound)
 * 14) "Never Mind the Why and Wherefore (The MYOB Song)" ("Never Mind the Why and Wherefore" - H.M.S. Pinafore")
 * 15) "No One Mourns The Liberals" ("No One Mourns The Wicked" - Wicked)
 * 16) "I've Really Got Potential (Helpjazz's Song)" ("The Lady's Got Potential" - Evita)
 * 17) "They Won't Learn The Lines I Want To Hear (Liberal Logic)" ("The Actress Hasn't Learned The Lines You'd Like To Hear" - Evita)
 * 18) "He Is A Diamond (Crocoite's Elegy)" ("She Is A Diamond" - Evita)
 * 19) "Consider Yourself (Kettleclickit's Song)" ("Consider Yourself" - Oliver!)
 * 20) "Where is Love? (Philip's Song)" ("Where is Love" - Oliver!)
 * 21) "It's a Fine Life (Ken's Song)" ("It's a Fine Life" - Oliver!)
 * 22) "Be Back Soon (DeanS)" ("Be Back Soon" - Oliver!)
 * 23) "Wonderful (Willful Blindness)" (Wonderful - Wicked)
 * 24) "Super Andy: atheistic people are atrocious" (Supercallifragelisticexpialidocious)
 * 25) "There is nothing like an Ames" (Karajou's theme) ("There is nothing like a dame" - South Pacific)
 * 26) "If I were a Poor man" ("If I were a rich Man" - Fiddler on the Roof) Ed Poor
 * 27) "How do you solve a problem like Obama?" ("How do you solve a problem like Maria?" - The Sound of Music) Sung by Schlafly; at the same time Moony Poor is singing:
 * 28) "I'm dreaming of a White President (Just like the Ron we had before)"
 * 29) "Just you wait (Richard Dawkins)" ("Just you wait (Henry Higgins)" - My Fair Lady)
 * 30) I've Got a Little List (I've Got a Little List - The Mikado) Andy extracts his revenge against liberals, professors, Wikipedia, and Hollywood-types by creating lists of all their attributes.
 * 31) "Defying Sanity" ("Defying Gravity" - Wicked)
 * 32) "The Google Dance" ("The Bottle Dance" - Fiddler on the Roof)
 * 33) More MPFC! "Wandalot" (Camelot - MPFC/Holy Grail - "it's just a model")
 * 34) Who am I?" (Samwell doing a samwell) - "Who am I?" Les Mis
 * 35) Sysop Song - ("Cop Song" - Urinetown: The Musical)
 * 36) Finland - (Finland - Monty Python)
 * 37) Mobocracy on the Wiki - (''"Anarchy in the UK" - Adrian Edmonson Lounge Jazz version) RationalWiki Saloon Bar Ensemble
 * 38) The Blocks of CP - ("The Guns of Brixton" - The Clash) Night of the Blunt Knives?
 * 39) "The Smell of Rebellion" (Matilda: The Musical by Tim Minchin) in which Karajou vows to root out rebellion from Conservapedia.
 * 40) The Hymn of Stefan Molyneux ("The Pirate Song" by Ray Stevens) A little something different for the middle of the musical. It's just too good for words.