Draft:Cabinet of Donald Trump
- Alex Azar, former President of pharmaceutical company Eli Lily, as Secretary of Health and Human Services. Has spent most of his tenure trying to dismantle ObamaCare and trying to define transgender people out of existence. Azar is a joyful regulator.
- Andrew Puzder, CEO of CFK Restaurants and supporter of automation, as Secretary of Labor.
- Andrew Wheeler, former coal lobbyist who has worked more quietly, thus staying out of the limelight.
- Wheeler replaced Scott Pruitt — Former administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, who is a climate change denier. Furthermore, he dismissed the theory of evolution, lamented that "minority religions" are pushing Christianity aside, advocated for Constitutional amendments banning same-sex marriage and abortion, praised the Second Amendment as divinely granted and condemned federal judges as the "judicial monarchy". Pruitt resigned in mid-2018 after a series of scandals and controversies.
- Ben Carson — Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: To his credit (if nothing else), Carson at least admits to being a terrible pick for the job.
- Betsy DeVos, billionaire creationist sister to Erik Prince (the head of Blackwater), for Secretary of Education.
- James Bridenstine, former Congressional Representative, non-scientist and climate change denier, is now the head of NASA
- Jeff Sessions for United States Attorney General. He has seen some tension with the President recently, especially after recusing himself from the Russia probe. In November 2018, he resigned at the request of President.
- Matthew Whitaker, Sessions' former chief of staff, as acting Attorney General. Whitaker is a GOP loyalist and Trump supporter who worked for a company that was shut down and fined for scamming veterans. Whitaker is openly critical of the Trump-Russia investigation and asserted there was no evidence for collusion or Russian interference in 2016 U.S. Presidential elections. He believes that the Special Counsel has overstepped his mandate by investigating Trump's finances.
- James "Mad Dog" Mattis, a retired Marine general, as Secretary for Defense (I thought you knew more than the generals, Donnie?). One of the few people in the Administration with the relevant qualifications and expertise. Now gone.
- John F. Kelly, a retired general, as Secretary of Homeland Security, and Chief of Staff. Another rare case of a person being right for the job. Also gone.
- Kellyanne Conway, former Frank Luntz propagandist and Trump campaign manager, as Counselor to the President offering "alternative facts". Bound to the President for the rest of history, the truth will set her free.
- Reince Priebus, Chairman of the RNC, as White House Chief of Staff. He is gone.
- Rex Tillerson, the Exxon Mobile CEO, for Secretary of State (Confirmed as nominee). However, he is gone. Also a major Trump donor an advocate of "school choice".
- Rick Perry, Secretary of Energy. Didn’t this guy want to get rid of this department a few years ago? Oops.
- Steve Bannon (a.k.a., the Grim Reaper) was a US Navy officer in the 1970s, worked as an investment banker in the 1980s in the
Murders and ExecutionsMergers and Acquisitions Department of Goldman Sachs, CEO of Breitbart, and Trump campaign chief, as Chief Strategist to the President. He quit.
- Steven Mnuchin, a Goldman Sachs banker, film producer, and Trump campaign finance chief, as Secretary of the Treasury. Scumbag, but an understandable pick.
- Wilbur Ross, a Wall Street banker and Trump campaign donor, as Secretary of Commerce. As Secretary, he's been busy conducting insider trading by short-selling stocks based on his personal knowledge of forthcoming negative news stories. He even profited from a short sale based on his own corruption investigation.
- Boris Epshteyn — Trump's son Eric's friend from his alma mater, Georgetown University, briefly served as White House spokesman
- Christopher Hagan — confidential assistant at the Agriculture Department. Qualifications: cabana attendant.
- Dan Scavino — Trump's ex-golf caddie, now the White House director of social media
- David Matthews — confidential assistant at the Agriculture Department. Qualifications: developed scented candles, legal receptionist.
- Hope Hicks — ex-fashion model who worked for Ivanka, now the White House communications director, providing hope for hicks. She admitted to lying for her boss and has resigned.
- Kyle Yunaska — Eric's brother-in-law, now has a senior Energy Department job
- Linda McMahon — professional wrestling magnate and Trump's close friend, now Small Business Administration chief
- Lynne Patton — wedding planner for Eric, now senior official at the Department of Housing and Urban Development
- Nick Brusky — confidential assistant at the Agriculture Department. Qualifications: truck driver, no college degree.
- Sam Brownback — Ambassador of "Religious Freedom".
- Sam Clovis — ex-nominee for chief scientist at EPA. Qualifications: talk show host, non-economist economics professor. During the campaign, he supervised George Papadopoulos, who plead guilty in the FBI investigation of Russian hacking of the 2016 election.
- Sid Bowdidge — assistant to the secretary of energy for energy efficiency and renewable energy. Qualifications: manager of a Meineke Car Care branch.
- Steve Kopec — home improvement contractor who married into the Trump domestic staff, now a special assistant with the Environmental Protection Agency
- Taylor Weyeneth — 23-year old deputy chief of staff of the Office of National Drug Control Policy. Qualifications: lying on his résumé, stopped showing up to work at his previous job as a legal assistant, his "only professional experience after college and before becoming an appointee was working on the Trump campaign and transition."
- Victoria Barton — congressional relations for Regions II, V and VI, Department of Housing and Urban Development. Qualifications: office manager, bartender/bar manager.
- Pruitt tapes revealed: Evolution's a 'theory,' 'majority' religions under attack. Politico. March 2, 2018.
- Scott Pruitt Quits As Head of US Environment Agency. BBC News. July 6th, 2018.
- Ben Carson made it clear that he was too inexperienced for a Cabinet job. Now Trump says he's considering Carson for one by Evan Halper (Nov. 22, 2016, 9:59 a.m.) Los Angeles Times.
- Senate confirms Trump pick for NASA administrator over Democratic objections by Seung Min Kim & Christian Davenport (April 19, 2018 at 2:57 PM) The Washington Post.
- The Signal Sent by Picking Jeff Sessions for Attorney General: The United States's top law-enforcement official possesses sweeping discretionary power—and the Alabama senator’s record suggests how he'll use it by Garrett Epps (Nov 21, 2016) The Atlantic.
- Trump fires Attorney General Jeff Sessions. BBC News. November 7, 2018.
- New acting attorney general is a GOP loyalist from Iowa. Associated Press. November 7, 2018.
- Acting Attorney General Sat on Board of Company Accused of Bilking Customers. The New York Times. November 8, 2018.
- What the acting attorney general thinks of the Mueller probe. PBS NewsHour. November 8, 2018.
- Jeff Sessions Forced Out As Attorney General After Constant Criticism From Trump. NPR. November 7, 2018.
- Donald Trump's Cabinet Is Taking Shape. He is now Secretary of State. Here’s the Latest List. (Updated Feb. 14, 2017) The New York Times.
- Any connection between Tillerson and Russia is merely a coincidence. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6alHr_ZTdQI/
- Betsy DeVos, Trump’s Education Pick, Has Steered Money From Public Schools by Kate Zernike (Nov. 23, 2016) The New York Times
- The term used in Bret Easton Ellis' 1991 book American Psycho for this department ("I'm into, oh, murders and executions mostly."), p. 206. ISBN 0679735771.
- Another Goldman Sachs Alum Joins Donald Trump’s Campaign by Dan Primack (Updated: Aug 17, 2016 5:43 PM PDT) Fortune.
- Wilbur Ross says he shorted two more stocks during his time as Commerce secretary by Lori Ann LaRocco & Dan Mangan (Published 3:53 PM ET Mon, 2 July 2018 Updated 7:19 AM ET Tue, 3 July 2018) CNBC.
- Wilbur Ross Denies Insider Trade in Shorting Russia-Linked Firm by Bill Allison (June 19, 2018, 8:42 AM PDT; Updated on June 19, 2018, 4:01 PM PDT) Bloomberg.
- Commerce chief Wilbur Ross' financial holdings get new scrutiny in report that highlights short sale of Russian-linked shipping firm by Dan Mangan (Published 4:08 PM ET Mon, 18 June 2018 Updated 10:46 AM ET Tue, 19 June 2018) CNBC.
- Trump isn’t hiring enough friends and family by Dana Milbank (February 27, 2018 at 7:38 PM) The Washington Post.
- The other huge scandal Mueller brought to light this week by Dana Milbank (November 1, 2017 at 9:34 PM) The Washington Post.
- Rep. Stewart: Hope Hicks' white lies answer 'a setup' by intel Dems. CNN. March 2, 2018.
- Trump just hired a deep-state conspiracy theorist as his lawyer. Here’s what Joe diGenova has said. by Aaron Blake (March 19, 2018 at 2:55 PM) The Washington Post.
- Sam Clovis withdraws his nomination for USDA’s top scientist post after being linked to Russia probe by Juliet Eilperin & Philip Rucker (November 2, 2017 at 11:58 AM) The Washington Post.
- Trump's 24-year-old drug policy appointee was let go at law firm after he 'just didn't show' by Dalton Bennett (January 20, 2018) The Washington Post.