Fun:American football

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Necker cube.svg Tired of laughing? RationalWiki has a slightly more serious article about American football.

Note: This article no longer describes "real" football, some wandal shifted its focus to American "football". For the emo band, see the other wikiWikipedia or your local record store.

Football is a manly sport for manly men playing manly games in manly ways with other manly men. Men who don't like football are panzies. Football is played by normal people who are too smart to play panzy-ball. Football lets you injure small people and get away with it. Especially if you're big.

Why it is crappy[edit]

Football is like rugby, only with body armor shoulder pads, helmets, press agents and a rest every 20 seconds. Pedicures are not uncommon.

More reasons it sucks[edit]

Despite being called "football," the ball actually comes into contact with the feet of the players very rarely, mostly being carried or thrown. The name comes from playing the game on foot as opposed to polo, which is played on horseback. A professional American football "team" actually consists of at least two different teams (defensive and offensive - very offensive), as well as enough specialist players to make up a third team. These teams are switched out constantly throughout the game, creating considerable confusion amongst spectators. The ceaseless traffic of players on and off the field of play means the game proceeds in extremely staccato bursts, with micro-moments of action interspersed with minutes of extreme boredom for all involved.[1][2] Commentators attempt to fill these minutes with obscure, heavily statistic-laden jabbering, while television fills them with expensive advertising.

While it sucks, here's something worse[edit]

The boredom of this game is in stark contrast to the overwhelming explosiveness of that other pastime, which has thrilling nil-nil scores and, if one is lucky, can even end in the incredible, cardiac-arrest-inducing excitement of a possession-oriented draw.

And then there's … cricket. Oh, DEITY … cricket. All the tedium of golf without the basic comprehensibility.

Even more stupid things about the game[edit]

Football players are referred to as "athletes," but very little athleticism is involved in the sport. Players stroll on the field, dressed in enough padding to ensure their survival in rare occasions where a tornado picks up the stadium, and transports it to Antarctica. This has happened only twice in the history of the sport. They then proceed to line up, and run two metres yards down the field where they collide cuddle messily with a member of the opposite team. The process is then repeated after a 5 minute break. After half a dozen repetitions, the ball is handed to the opposite team and play proceeds in the opposite direction.

If one player manages to carry the ball past a thick white line on the ground, he will then do a goofy dance and thank Jesus for making the other team's defense screw up giving him this great accomplishment.

Another reason it is stupid[edit]

Tactics play an important part in American football. Every team has a hundred or so coaches who are employed to come up with so-called "plays" which all amount to running two metres yards up the field and colliding messily with a member of the opposite team. These coaches, together with the thousand or so players on a team contribute considerably towards full employment in the United States, while helping the economy as each player who makes millions of dollars and puts ALL the money back into the economy. Many football players go bankrupt after their short careers are over.

See also[edit]

References, notes, and random snark[edit]

  1. American football mimics war in this manner.
  2. George Will (of all people) once said that football combines the two worst aspects of American culture: It's violence punctuated by committee meetings.