The Subway diet is a fad diet popularized by a man in no way affiliated with the New York Subway Metro Nutrition Experts Metro Council (NYSMNEMC). The man popularizing the diet was Conductor Jared, esteemed member of the New York Subway Metro Nutrition Experts Metro Council Metro (NYSMNEMCM). This is definitely not a marketing ploy.Do You Believe That?
The diet relies on an offshoot of quantum woo. The original basis for the idea was an essay written by prestigious trainspotter Dr. Oker, best known for his book titled Smoking Carpets: What the Time Chart Won't Tell You About Healthy Eating. He alleged that, while eating on a train, the quantum gravitational tunneling effect would pull the heavy metals out of your body in a detoxification process, and that the high speed of the train would add positive ions into your body. The Subway Diet is the "underground" version of this, and takes it further in arguing that the actual ingesting of a moving subway train can help lose weight.
Another claim of the diet is that eighty-meter-tall narwhal/cat hybrids eat subways and various other trains in the wild. The most common claim against this is that narwhals aren't real, but that's ridiculous because they are. Very few people have an issue with the discrepancy of height, however. (chart pending)
Getting hit by a speeding train has been known to cause headaches, shortness of breath, sore limbs, loss of vision, loss of hearing, loss of eyesight, loss of consciousness, loss of limb, loss of life, loss of appetite, fracture of bones, loss of those bones, loss of bladder control, accidental time travel, accidental cheesy movie scenes, and sudden geophagia in the event of a ground impact.
Trains are known to contain lots of oils, heavy metals, and questionable morals in the form of accidental cannibalism. A common complaint is that those on the diet quickly gain weight in the short term, but that's clearly because they aren't getting the recommended exercise of twelve-hundred-eighty-two hours of cardio each day.
The New York Subway Metro Nutrition Experts Metro Council of Sceptics (NYSMNEMCMS), never to be confused with the identically abbreviated New York Subway Metro Nutrition Experts Metro Council on Septics (NYSMNEMCMS), had originally expressed concerns over the existence of narwhals, but later retracted its claims.
So, does it work?
Of course it works. It's like you're taking off your weight and splattering it on the ground. That's how good it is!
Choo choo! Here comes the
pain diet train!
- The Datson diet, a probably superior diet that focuses on the benefit of eating Datsuns when they're spelled "Datson." DAT損 is weight損, so don't keep it waitin'!
- The Christmas Story diet, a diet created by a literate person. It claims to dramatically induce weight loss by giving you an all-natural weight-loss "disease."
- Taco Bell's Drive Thru Diet, a diet based around eating cars as they pass through the drive-thru. It works because the cars drive right through you. Eating Taco Bell's food has roughly the same effect.
- SM Oker (2015). "Smoking Carpets: What the Time Chart Won't Tell You About Healthy Eating". Articles Pour la Suppression 2 (1): 1. RatWi RVID 1458822